Out of the Ashes

Seasons of Life/Change

2012-01-21T05:50:00.002-05:00

Well, in the last few weeks since my last post, a lot has changed.

I have entered into yet another new season of life and to be honest, ready or not, here it comes.

Let me explain.

Since writing beginning this blog, it seems I have bobbed and weaved from one taumatic event to the other. In fact, this blog was born in the midst of trauma, drama, and all that stuff. It seems that all those are my constant companions. But, as I look back on it all, I have to say that the things I have gone through, painful as they may have been, have made me a much better human being...

With all that said, I had a difficult time through the holidays. It was the first time I have celebrated Christmas without my parents. The grief hurt so bad I felt as though I was going to die.

I survived.

Following Christmas, I spent time with Bob in Williamsburg, VA. It was my Christmas present he said. He paid for everything. I fought with him over meals...and things like that...but for the most part, it was his show. Then one morning he came out of his room with a gift bag. (Yet more gifts!) It contained a really nice candle...and a note that he wanted to take me to the Kennedy Center for some show.

More expenditures.

Coupled with all of this....we had some very painful discussions. At least to me they were painful. He wanted to know if there were any men in his congregation that caught my eye....and I said no. He also showed me pictures of the guys who he has dated...but for some reason or another "the chemistry was not right."

He asked me what kind of man I was looking for. I told him that I had some high standards...but first and foremost, the person had to be a man of faith.

"What's your type?" I asked.

"Can't you tell by the guys I showed you pictures of?" he responded.

"Well, Bob, to be honest, the only commonality I see is that they are all men!"

They were all over the map....I couldn't tell. Honestly...and I tried.

We returned home on New Year's Eve.

So I have continued to spend time with him....and share meals with him....and talk with him on the phone....but I just don't know where the journey is leading....and to be honest, I am quite tired of it all. I feel I need to make some spiritual adjustments...and make some more changes before I am ever ready for a boyfriend, partner, husband or whatever.

My son the Marine, left for Afghanistan on January 19. However, on the date of that last entry, he drove with me to pick up his sister at the airport. He dropped a bomb. He has succeeded in getting a girl pregnant. She is due in July. I will soon get to list GRANDFATHER in my list of accomplishments. He wound up marrying the girl on January 12. She is a lovely sweet young girl....one year older than him. So I now have a new DAUGHTER-IN-LAW.

Then, on my trip to Camp Lejeune to see my son off, I had to stop by Lovey's house to give her a ride. I even got to spend the night in her home...with my daughter Jessica. As we were preparing to leave...and I went into the room to pic up my daughter's things, I noticed a man's picture.....a very large picture sitting on Lovey's nightstand. "Nice picture I said. Who's the guy?"

In an embarrassed little look, and in an almost little-girl like response, "That's Larry. He's my friend."

Over the course of the next 5 hours, I learned that Larry is more than a "friend"...but he is more like "suitor". Marriage has been discussed. At some points Lovey was her same sweet snippy self. During that long conversation, I did learn some new things about my former beloved.

1. I am glad she is not in my life in any real capacity.
2. I am glad she has her a boyfriend.
3. She continually rewrites history to keep her conscience clear.

That last point was demonstrated by the fact that she totally disavowed any knowledge of writing any hateful emails telling me that she would no longer have anything to do with me....and that I should only contact her about the eventual passing of my folks. I reminded her of how she had outted me to everyone in her life....which she says she never did.

Driving down the road to Camp Lejeune in my car she basically told me all of my many faults and failures as a husband....and how "Larry" was so much better. Oh she said these things so very subtly...but the message was clear. But for the first time, it didn't hurt. I felt like Teflon. Clearly the woman lives in a fantasy land of the world of her choosing.

Everything is everyone else's fault.

But in actuality, I am happy to be alive....to have survived it all....and now I am excited about the arrival of my first grandchild in the summer.

Lovey is history. No longer painful history.

Just history.

Then There is Bob...

2011-12-21T16:19:00.002-05:00

The Christmas season is soon upon me and I am just not in the spirit. I had some special Chrstimas Cards created and personalized. I've been working on getting them signed and sealed. But I have so many....and I'm not complaining. It's neat to have so many that are so interested in my life...but...it's still work!

Work continues to be filled with the drama that only an office can provide. Lots of ungrateful people...who don't seem to understand what a blessing it is at this time of the year especially, to have a job and a steady paycheck.

My kids are gathering from Christmas. They are at my house....and I am going to savor every moment with them that I can. My daughter from Nashville arrives tonight. My military son arrived yesterday afternoon. I'm taking off tomorrow to spend time with the daughter who arrives tonight. Somewhere in here I hope to get my Christmas shopping complete.

With the loss of my parents, it feels basically like I am wondering in a fog. When I look at the Christmas imagery....and hear the carols...I feel numb. It means nothing. I have no Christmas cheer.

And then there is Bob...

Still driving this bus......still headed in God knows what direction....

Our trip is coming next week. I look forward to being with him and seeing him totally in a relaxed situation. I am praying that somewhere sometime during this trip I get a glimmer of where the bus is headed.

He called me on the telephone this passed Saturday....kept me on the phone for over an hour. (We've not been able to communicate very much because of the season. He is swamped totally and being pulled in 50 different directions -- all at once!)

So we chatted about everything. And then he brought up the resort...

We have a one bedroom unit he says.... "I hope you don't mind, but it actually sleeps 4! There's a couch that lets out to a full size bed. I'm used to sleeping there," he said. "You'll have some privacy, " he added.

Hmmm, I thought. We're both grown men....and I'm not going to jump his bones... I'm not worried about the privacy issue.... I would have no problems with him sleeping in the same bed...I can behave. He doesn't have to sleep on one of those fold out beds!

So, in some respects...it bums me out that he feels he has to do that. On the other hand, something has made him think about these issues.

I just wonder what he's thinking...

Remembering December 12, 1981

2011-12-13T00:11:00.002-05:00

Thirty years ago today, my life changed!

I got married to Lovey.

It is quite a milestone and I felt I should recognize it. I mean, even with all the difficulty I experienced with her....and the separation and divorce from hell.... well, I still survived and I feel like I am a better person because of it. Also, were it not for the 30 minute ceremony, 30 years ago, I would not have had the three wonderful children that I now do. So, I have spent the majority of my day thanking the Lord -- yes, I am a man of faith -- for that monumental event and the fact that here I am...still standing after EVERYTHING: the fussing....the fighting.....the grieving......the greediness.....the gay thing......and all the other "stuff."

I am here....alive and well.

And, I think I am healed from the hurt caused by the breakup 6.5 years ago. So much so that I sent Lovey a card....it had the cast from the old movie, THE WIZARD OF OZ on it. It was blank on the inside and I wrote: "We certainly aren't in Kansas anymore...(are we?). I still remember..."

I followed that up with flowers....with a card that said..."I still remember..." with my name on it.

Lovey wrote me back a very simple and short email message. Thanking me for the flowers and that they arrived okay. She also said that it was a very happy day 30 years ago...thanks for remembering her. See you at Christmas.

Mom O'Lovey told my daughter...who then told me that she (my daughter) cannot understand why I would waste money on her mother like that. Mom O'Lovey thought it was a very kind thing to do.

I did it because Lovey is the mother of my three children....and there would not have been any of those had it not been for December 12, 1981.

Going forward, I have to admit, based on that failed relationship...I think I know how to be a better mate to whoever the lucky man is that will be my boyfriend....partner....husband....lover....whatever.

I am a different man.

Things Are Looking Up...I Think...

2011-12-11T00:31:00.003-05:00

Today was quite a busy day for me. I slept in a bit and then got up and dressed and attended my gay Bible Study group. It was time for the monthly brunch and this time, in view of the season, celebrated Christmas. I was asked to pick up one of our members at the subway station, which I gladly did. He was a friendly guy and we chit chatted on our way back to the gathering site. When he arrived....and because he was relatively new, introductions were made.....and then he turned to our host and said:

"David, not only did I receive a blessing of having someone pick me up.....but you sent a hot man to do it!"

Well, this was the first time I have been labeled as "hot." Nonetheless I am sure that I blushed....but thanked him for the complement.

Following the meeting, another of the group came up and said, "Frank, I have to tell you...you seem to be looking much better these days. I know that you have been under quite a lot of stress....but you're looking great....even younger!"

I'm sure I blushed again.... Then another of the group told me how good I looked and gave me a big hug and gave me a big full kiss on the lips....with his lips parted slightly. THAT hasn't happened before in this group!

I left that meeting with a slight spring in my step...

When I reached home, I rested a brief time and then I went to a party that I had been invited to. It was made up of a lot of my friends...some of whom I had not seen in a while. One of them, a beautiful guy who has been with his partner for 16 years...and recently got married....came over and sat down next to me...very closely. He gave me a very big hug and said, "Where were you 16 years ago?"

I giggled and said..."Well, I was right here.....in the closet....and married with 3 small children." He the mumbled something about wishing he could have changed that.....and I switched the topic. We chatted and chatted for a good long while....and he walked me out to my car as he went to his. He then gave me a big hug....and a warm kiss.....and then he said....if anything happens to my marriage.....you're on the short list."

Inside, I could hear the robot from Lost In Space saying "DANGER....DANGER.....WILL ROBINSON!!!!" I'm glad that he and his husband live a ways away....and I don't see them very often. This could be problematic.

I've not known what to think about all this.

Clearly I have made progress.....and it is showing.......and guys I have known have seen a change in me.

But I'm unsettled by all the attention.....probably because I feel in limbo with Bob. He's not made his intentions known....I am respectful of him.....as I am with all these men.....especially the married one. I'm not and will never be a homewrecker.

It's kind of nice to garner the attention of the unattached guys....

Hmmmmm

What Exactly Makes a Man Gay?

2011-12-08T18:21:00.002-05:00

When I started this blog long ago, I promised to be me -- totally unvarnished, not air brushed -- warts and all. So this is going to be a discussion involving this.

I have been going through quite the dry spell lately when it comes to sexual play. It seems that I have lost interest in it since Dad passed away...and I have just felt a little on the "blah" side. Also, at 53, it's kind of easy to fall into a rut of believing that you are old....fat.....ugly....and undesireable, especially when one stacks me against all the pretty young things out there in the gay metropolis. I mean, actually, I don't look like I just stepped off the set of a hot porn movie!

Late last week, a friend of mine invited me to his house for a full-fledged sex party. (I know you're shocked.) He thought it would perk me up and give me that "spark" again.

So after several days of thought, I decided I would go. But, in the state of mind I was in, I had to work myself up to go.....and tell myself that it would be okay if I were rejected. I ordered myself to not take anything personally.

I showed up at my friend's house at the appointed time. There were about 30 beautiful men there of every size, shape, and age. I kind of hung back....because at these things, it is very easy to be shy....and I was painfully so. However, I have to say that I was very pleasantly surprised by all the attention I received. By the end of the party, I was walking on air. It was a great experience for me....and I felt desireable. The guys I played with made it clear that floated their boats! WOW!

While experiencing the party I observed one older man in particular. He was relatively attractive -- not my cup of tea -- but he had an interested entourage hovering around him being attentive. Several of them made the moves on this guy....and would move in to kiss him and he would stop them and say, "Hey bud, I'm not into that! I'm straight."

I was amazed at his comment.

I watched him out of the corner of my eye for at least two hours. Here he was...naked....surrounded by 30-40 other naked men. I saw him willingly enjoy m2m pleasures....everything that two men or more can do together. I even witnessed him licking spleans right and left. Performing fellatio. Giving and receiving anal stuff. Rimming anyone and everyone who would let him.

But if any guy approached his mouth, "Hey bud, I'm not into that! I'm straight."

I was totally amazed.

For me, kissing is the ultimate turnon in gay sex. I like being passionate and intimate with who I am with. Kissing another man is wonderful and makes my heart pound.

Is it the kissing that determines I am gay?

Obviously in his mind it did. It couldn't be anything else because he did all that gladly!

It is What it is!

2011-12-06T16:32:00.003-05:00

This past Sunday I decided to sleep later than normal. I got to my church mid-way through the service. It was good to see everyone and to be around my friends. I even got to have lunch with one of my special guy friends and we got to catch up with what has been happening in our lives during the past few months.

The weekend was fairly uneventful. Heard from Bob several times via text. I invited him out to dinner on Sunday night. He then decided to come over to my house for the rest of the evening. He and I went on a brisk walk through my surrounding neighborhood. We then got to my place and settled in by watching some stuff I have on DVD. He stayed until well past midnight.

Monday I was quite busy -- it was my off day. He and I had no communication. Then, this morning, he contacted me by text and we talked some.

Deep down I feel like this is all a lost cause, but then...I hear from him....and he has all kinds of apologies for his silences and then will pick right up where we left off.

Clearly I am important to him on some level. It's just hard sometimes to figure out just what that level really is. So, I still try to relax and not get worked up by it all. Or to worry.

It is what it is!

He communicates frequently....and I'd like to think he does this more often than with the run-of-the-mill friend. He does seek me out to spend time with me. That indeed says something. He is a busy pastor with a large church...yet he carves out time to be with me. I am honored.

So, I try and relish that and to savor every moment I am with him.

To Church or Not!

2011-12-04T09:34:00.003-05:00

Last Sunday I drove out to Bob's church. It was a good day and of course I enjoy watching him in his element. I kind of even like the feeling of stealthiness I feel when I am there. No one there knows that I am in any way affiliated with the pastor. This way I can be an impartial observer to things I wouldn't if folks knew that I have developed quite the friendship with him.

He, too, has said he likes this. I'm not too sure at how he looks at this friendship we have....but he does acknowledge the fact that he enjoys the fact that no one knows my connection to him. (On whatever level.)

So my mind kind of fast forwards a bit. If things were to really happen....and the pastor and I do become BFs or even 'partners', I think I would prefer to keep things on the downlow...at least for a while.

Bob seems to be very private. He has dated some very interesting folks along the way -- none affiliated with his churches...except one. This was the one I believe to have been the love of his life that ended rather tragically after only a very few years...Bob still talks about him in profound ways.

I guess if and when the time comes that Bob and I are a "couple"...I can cross the bridge when I get to it.

But for me....I would just be happy to be in his life....but not affiliated with his professional life.

Perhaps this was one of the mistakes I made early on with Lovey.

Sunday Morning -- Early

2011-12-04T09:25:00.003-05:00

It has been a very quiet weekend thus far. I've been doing the usual cleaning....and taking things slowly. I've also had the opportunity of spending some time alone.

To think.

To pray.

To meditate.

Yes, I am a man of faith. Had it not been for my faith I dare say that I would not have been able to withstand the degree of loss I have experienced during the past 14 months or so. BUT...as I survey my life -- the good and the bad, I can't help but breathe a prayer of thanksgiving. I have certainly been blessed with a good life. I have built a wonderful circle of friends who love me; I continue to maintain close family relationships with my WV relatives and beyond. I even maintain a warm and close relationship with Mom O'Lovey.

Yesterday I dropped in to watch her being talked to by a fast-talking roofer. She needs a new roof and has been shopping around. Afterwards, she thanked me for being there for moral support....and to make sure that she was not being "hoodwinked"... She wasn't. She then asked if I would join their family for Christmas Day dinner. Of course, Lovey will be there...all my kids will be there....my niece and nephew and their two children will be there. My other nephew will be there. So, unless Bob decides to spend that day with me...I may go.

Following this discussion.....Mom O'Lovey comes up to me and puts her arm around me to say how very much she loves me and how glad she is that I am still in her family!Time certainly makes changes. Obviously I have healed from those awful days of the divorce. Yes, I am thankful.

About Bob...

2011-12-02T16:18:00.003-05:00

The saga of Bob continues and I have to say that I am enjoying him so very much. Definitely this man is special. He warms my heart in quite profound ways.

I still do not have a clue as to where this is all headed.

But gosh...***SIGH***

I think in an earlier post I said that Bob came to my house for Thanksgiving. We had a special time. Then, this week I got a card in the mail thanking me for all the fun he had while here. I put it in my pile of cards to keep.

We have continued our texts....and phone calls......good nights.....good mornings....

Then we did something we haven't done before. We actually moved into different territory. He texted me and said that he was in town for some meeting or other...and asked if I cared to join him for lunch.

Is the Pope Catholic?

I jumped at the chance....and soon found myself sitting across the table from him as he filled me in on his day....his week.....and his church service that weekend. We did as we always do....we laughed and talked....and the time flew by.

Then he grew serious.

He had something he wanted to tell me.

It's something that only he and a couple of people know....and for the past little while it has been weighing on his mind.

I put down my fork...looked at him not knowing what to expect.

I won't violate his trust even here. It was way too personal....and yes I can understand why it was traumatic and all that. But I sat silently and hung on every word. When he finally finished...I suppose it was God who gave me the right things to say to comfort....to help....and yes, to even minister to this man.

It struck a chord obviously.....because he hung on every part of my response.....and then he fell apart and began sobbing.

Again, I didn't say anything...I allowed his tears to flow...

And in that moment, I wanted so badly to jump up and go to his side of the table to wrap my arms around him and to hold him. I wanted to kiss his forehead....and to brush his cheeks....and to say that "I'm here and it's going to be fine."

But I didn't.

This is in keeping with my earlier statements to him that I could love him from a distance and that I would not make any demands upon him...or become clingy.....or stalk him.....

Based on our earlier conversations, I want any relationship to develop based on his comfortableness. I want him to make the first move...or to tell me that he has arrived at some conclusions...

And then I can tell him of my feelings on that day.....and of what I wanted to do....and how badly I wanted to express my compassion....and yes, my love for him.

We left and he walked me to my car. There we embraced....and I felt his cheek next to mine....

WHEW!

Also in the New York Times!

2011-11-28T15:57:00.002-05:00

This was another interesting piece that appeared in the New York Times. I saw the film J. Edgar and found it to be an interesting tale about a very complicated individual. It sensitized me to the life Hoover led...and that some now say included the fact that he, too, was gay. I also saw what a purely evil man he was. As I visit his grave at Congressional Cemetery from now on, it will give me pause.

Opinion
J. Edgar Hoover, ‘Sex Deviates’ and My
Godfather
In 1956, the tabloid magazine Confidential published a lurid exposé on Arthur H. Vandenberg Jr., the writer's godfather.
By DUDLEY CLENDINEN
Published: November 25, 2011

A new film on J. Edgar Hoover is a reminder that his persecution of gay people destroyed thousands of lives and careers.

JUST before Christmas in 1952, J. Edgar Hoover, the director of the F.B.I., let President Dwight D. Eisenhower know that the man Eisenhower had appointed as secretary to the president, his friend and chief of staff, my godfather, Arthur H. Vandenberg Jr., was a homosexual. It was part of a pattern of persecution that would destroy thousands of lives and careers. Earlier that year, the American Psychiatric Association’s manual had classified homosexuality as a kind of madness, and Republican senators had charged that homosexuality in the Truman administration was a national security threat. Hoover — the subject of Clint
Eastwood’s new film — was determined to stave off such threats.

A public Puritan with a compulsively bureaucratic and controlling personality, he built an intricate system of files on people of influence — personal and confidential, official and unofficial, and all full of dirt. The most damning were the voluminous “Sex Deviate” files on famous actors, syndicated columnists, senators, governors, business moguls and princes of the Roman Catholic Church, just to name a few.

There was one on Adlai E. Stevenson, the Democratic nominee for president, because some college basketball players being investigated by the F.B.I. for game-fixing claimed that Stevenson, one of “the two best-known homosexuals in the state,” was nicknamed “Adeline.” There was even a file on Eisenhower himself, recording rumors of an affair with Kay Summersby, his driver in Britain during the war.

One was devoted to my godfather because, while he had years of experience in politics and foreign affairs and working for his father, Arthur H. Vandenberg Sr. — a Republican senator from Michigan with a mistress and a file of his own — he also drank, and he wasn’t discreet. Apparently, the file held reports of some incidents with two enlisted men at Camp Lee, Va., in 1942, before he served with and became friends with my father. Worse, at the time Eisenhower appointed him to the White House, he was sharing an apartment in Washington with another man. This was not uncommon. But the other man had been arrested on some morals charge. That was enough for Ike, whom Hoover later described, to an aide to Richard M. Nixon, as “astounded.”

Arthur wasn’t a fighter. He folded. He checked into a hospital, complaining of stomach problems, and resigned the appointment for “health reasons” three months after Eisenhower’s inauguration. He was a pale, fleshy, thin-haired man — sort of like Hoover, actually. And he was a bachelor. Like Hoover. He had never had a girlfriend, or seriously dated women. Like Hoover, Arthur seemed to spend all his free time with men. Hoover, after all, had lived with his mother until she died in 1938, and by then, he was practically inseparable from the natty, lean, quiet Clyde Tolson, whom he had hired in 1928 and promoted meteorically, making him associate director, the No. 2 position in the F.B.I., in 1947.

J.Edgar and Clyde had separate offices and separate houses, but they had lunch together, dinner together, rode to work in Hoover’s car together, attended private dinners and receptions in Washington together, went to the horse races together, and vacationed in the same hotel suites together. By Hoover’s standards, if they hadn’t been the director and associate director of the F.B.I., they would have been in its Sex Deviate files together, because there sure was a lot of talk about them. Hoover sent agents to squash the talk and threaten the talkers wherever it occurred.

But at least they had each other. Eastwood’s film imagines a violent kiss between them, but my guess, as someone who loves men, is that they were never lovers. They weren’t built for it. They were too prim, too rigid, too Victorian. The only way Hoover could be comfortable in such a public relationship, I think, was because he knew it wasn’t sexual in private, whether he desired it to be or not. Hoover was too aware of the power of a secret. How could he permit anyone — even Clyde — to have something on him?

As far as I know, Arthur Jr. never had a full relationship, either. What he had was an F.B.I. file. He left Washington, moved to Coconut Grove, Fla., bought a house, drove a convertible, made extensive foreign policy visits to the Middle and Far East and Asia, and became a popular lecturer on American foreign policy at the University of Miami.

And Eisenhower had stayed in touch, including Arthur at a White House stag dinner, having him in again to talk about his conversations with foreign leaders and suggesting to Secretary of State John Foster Dulles that they ought to find a place for him. Arthur seemed on the verge of resurrection. That ended in late 1956, when Confidential, a smut and scandal tabloid probably fed by the F.B.I., published a lurid exposé about him.

Arthur resigned from the university, and disconnected his phone. The couple of times my parents saw him in that period, he seemed unfocused, drinking too much, and restless to be out of their company. In 1964, when President Lyndon B. Johnson’s close friend and aide, Walter Jenkins, was arrested for performing oral sex in a men’s room, L.B.J. reminded reporters that the Republican, Eisenhower, had had a problem, too, and his name was Arthur Vandenberg.

It must have seemed as if it would never end. But then, on Jan. 18, 1968, Arthur died at the age of 60. My father was then editor of The Tampa Tribune, and friends at The Miami Herald told him that Arthur had killed himself. But there was no such public report, and when, years later, I asked an investigative reporter friend of mine in Miami to look for the coroner’s report or death certificate, he could find nothing. I had a feeling growing up — and later, as I realized I was gay, and came to terms with it in my 40s — that something must have happened to my godfather. He had disappeared from my childhood. The only memory I have is of him driving away, in a convertible. I was just 8 when Hoover outed him. I didn’t know what had broken the relationship. It wasn’t until the early ’90s, when I asked if my parents thought he had been gay, that they told me of his death, and of one night, in a Spanish restaurant in Tampa, when they were shocked to see Arthur emerge from behind the curtain of a private dining nook with a tipsy young airman. In all those years, they had never spoken of it, even to each other.

Two weeks after Arthur resigned in 1953, Eisenhower issued Executive Order 10450, which mandated the firing of any federal employees guilty of “sexual perversion.” But apparently, he felt badly about Arthur. The Kameny Papers Project, an archival project named for Franklin E. Kameny, a major gay rights leader who died in October, has found a series of personal notes and letters from Ike and Mamie to Arthur, regretting that he wasn’t with them. “I feel very distressed about your health,” the president wrote in one. “I feel in some respects guilty.”

When Hoover died in May 1972, his personal secretary shredded a mass of his private files. In December 1973, the board of the American Psychiatric Association voted to rescind its 1952 decision to classify homosexuality as insanity.

They had been wrong, the directors of the association said. It had been a mistake.

Dudley Clendinen is a former national correspondent and editorial writer for The New York Times, and author of “A Place Called Canterbury.”

In the Pit With the New York Times

2011-11-28T15:30:00.003-05:00

Oy!

This weekend -- a bit dicey given the fact that this is the first major holiday I've had to celebrate without either of my parents -- fell into a bottomless pit when I read an article that appeared in THE NEW YORK TIMES on November 24. It hit kind of close to home....closer than I like for these things to fall....

I run it here for your perusal. How does it make you feel?

Keeping Marital Secrets Closeted
By JANE ISAY
Published: November 24, 2011

THIS summer, soon after gay marriage became legal in New York, my sons held a wedding for my former husband and his partner of over 30 years. The grandchildren were flower girl and ring bearers. The wedding thrust me back to the time when we faced a terrible choice and decided to stay married for the children. That’s what motivated my then husband and me to carry on our incomplete marriage for its last nine years, and that’s how we explained our actions after the divorce. It was a convenient truth, and also a self-serving one.

The year was 1980. I was waiting for my husband of 15 years to return from the last party of a psychiatry convention. I could hear voices from down the hall, happy men enjoying their time together. When he came in, his face was grave. He sat down on the bed and said, “I have something I need to tell you.” He took a deep breath. “I’m homosexual.” At that moment I saw my future collapse before my eyes. I got the chills and ran to take a hot bath. It gave me time to think and warmed me, but not for long. We spent the night talking and lamenting. On the plane home, we held each other and sobbed and planned. By the time we landed, we had decided to keep his sexual orientation a secret and stay married for the sake of the children.

Of course we both wanted to protect our sons, who were 10 and 14. Divorce was not uncommon then, but the circumstances surrounding our relationship were controversial and would have created a scandal in our small university town, so staying married for the children helped us both feel better about ourselves and our lies. We thought they didn’t notice any change, and we were mistaken. Secrets have a way of seeping into the atmosphere. Kids are natural observers. They watch parents like hawks, and they know when something is wrong, even if they don’t know what. I desperately wanted the charade to work at home — we were doing this for the children. So covering for my husband on his two nights a week out, and his two vacations a year became second nature — he was a busy man with many meetings.

I paid a price for my silence with my closest friends, because a secret of this magnitude builds barriers. I just couldn’t bear to show them the spot I was in. And I was leery of advice. When I felt so alone, I could always remind myself what a good person I was being, sacrificing for the children.

The other reasons for staying married were not so charming. If I had thought, I’m staying for the money, I might have questioned the lies I told my sons about where their father was on the nights he spent with his future husband. Or if he had thought, I’m staying to promote my career as a psychoanalyst, he might have felt a little heavy on the ambition scale. Or if we both had realized that we were just too scared to face the world alone, I might have given up some of the pretending, and he might have realized the gravity of his original secret.

But never mind. We had an explanation that made people admire us when we finally went public. Other truths might have evoked pity or suspicion: what’s the matter with her radar? How could she accept a half a marriage instead of a whole one? Who is she, really? To say we stayed married for the children put an end to uncomfortable questions.

If I had faced the other reasons to stay in the marriage, the burden of our lies would probably have been harder to bear. But the burden on our sons might also have been lightened. It’s not so great for kids to be told they are the cause of their parents’ behavior, especially when that’s only part of the story. When they finally learned the truth, our sons were more disturbed by our deception than by the facts. Our reasons didn’t seem to matter anymore. Truth trumps lies every time.

The phrase “we stayed married for the children” is like a silk duvet on a complicated and imperfect marriage bed. Nobody really wants to turn back the covers, the unhappy spouses least of all.

The author of “Walking on Eggshells,” who is working on a book about family secrets.

*******************

Reading this article forced me to revisit my not-so-happy place of a few years ago. You see, back then I felt like it was all my fault and I believed that I had caused all my wife's problems and unhappiness. A few wives jumped on the bandwagon and made it seem like my disclosure to my wife had been one grand scheme of deception to, in my wife's vernacular, "make her life hell." I soon noticed that many wives in this situation turn the tables and make the disclosure become all about them. Although I will dare the fates to say that yes, they are involved...and to some degree collateral damage, but this is not all about them.

Now, before everyone circles the wagons, and hurls arrows at me please remember that I am speaking from my own experience and the experiences I have observed in some of my more close friends' lives.

The struggling gay guy did not set out and rub his hands together one day and say...."Gee, let's see what poor woman we can hoodwink into marrying us so that one day in the future I can, after having lots of mindless gay sex, come home to say, 'Honey, I think I'm queer!' Golly gee...I sure am sorry that it's gonna upset your apple cart and plans for a long and blissful life together."

No, I did not feel that way in the least. I did not use my wife in anyway to conceal the truth. I genuinely thought I could change...or that all that needed to happen was for someone to mash the magic reset button to launch me onto the road of wanton straightness.

I was mistaken and fell for what I had been told by my clergyman. That God hated fags....and that in order for Him to not hate me, I must marry and cast all this aside.

He never told me the mechanics of how that was supposed to work. Better yet, how I was supposed to deal with the biological urges the ebbed and flowed with my raging hormones on a daily basis.

I loved men.

Plain and simple.

I needed to be with one.

I still do.

But the way that gay life is constructed, I am finding that a lot of men have very unrealistic expectations of what that looks like. Generally speaking, it's about 6'2", young, blond, buff, and hung. It even helps to have just stepped off the set of a male porn movie.

In the real world, it does not work like that.

Gosh...I wish my guy would show up.....FINALLY.

What Is It?

2011-11-25T17:47:00.002-05:00

Meanwhile, there is another man in the wings...

I actually think he could be "the one." I mean, I have some real deep feelings for him. He is the one guy that makes me think "marriage" again.

But there are some problems.

His name is Bob.

But that's not one of the problems.

First, he is a pastor of a very large affirming church here in the area. He is single and he is out....and everyone is cool with that.

I met him at a Gay Pride Event in 2010. I liked him as a friend...and we've talked a bit...and emailed....and all that. After about a year, I felt this little tug at my heart strings. So, rather than pine away like have done in the past, I decided to man up and just tell him how I felt. To my dismay, he thanked me but he just doesn't date people in his church.

I pointed out that I'm not in his church....and have no plans of joining his church....that I only came to visit a couple of times to hear him....and support him. He grew wistful...then alluded to how he met the love of his life at church....and since that relationship ended....that's probably why he has not found the caliber of relationship he's looking for because he's looked outside his faith.

HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

But I took the hint....told him that I could love him from a distance....and that was that. I felt stupid...and told myself..."Well, that we certainly did a good job at wrecking that friendship."

Since that time a few interesting things have happened:

We have gone from having dinner every other month, to monthly, to weekly, to now several nights per week...we talk about everything under the sun....He used to email perhaps once a week....then that moved to texting once every few days to once per day......now it is several times per day. We exchange texts all during the day. The last thing at night he tells me good night or to rest well or to have pleasant dreams.

We have gone from shaking hands....to shaking hands with a hug to outright fullbody bearhugs with a slight hold. When we part after dinner it has gone from a simple goodbye to a handshake and goodbye to a handshake with a hug cheek to cheek...to hug and a kiss on the cheek that keeps migrating to my mouth.

We have a special place we go to along the river to sit and talk....and to pray together.

He came to my house for Thanksgiving....and brought me a small gift. He satayed for over 8 hours....and made himself totally at ease. We've planned a getaway following Christmas. He's given me various stuff...including a book of poetry that he likes.

Finally, the most interesting thing is whenever I am at his church...we are always very discreet....no one knows about our friendship. I gave him a rainbow stole and journal for his birthday....and he goes on and on about that.....and at very special events...he has the stole on! At the conclusion of the service, the church has a theme song they like to close with. It's one that encourages holding the hand of your neighbor....before dismissal. Well, two times now, when the music for that theme song starts, he comes down of the stage and seeks me out. He will then hold my hand...giving it several squeezes before breaking free and offering a closing prayer.

So, even though I am not sure what the destination is....I am certainly enjoying the journey with him.

But nothing physical.....nothing talked about.......our friendship has not been labeled. I am not forcing that issue. It just feels so good to be in his presence.

So we shall see.

I don't know what to call this that I have with him.

A Little Romance?

2011-11-25T17:43:00.003-05:00

In traveling back and forth to WV I met someone.

He's about my age....he's cute....he's an only child. Never married...partnered several times.

He gave me flowers.

The first time I have been given flowers.

He gave me sunflowers....my mom and daughter's favorites.

The second time he gave me roses in a deeply crimson vase.

It felt good to have someone make a fuss over me.

But for all that good feeling....it just didn't seem right. After all he lives back there....and I live here.

He is jobless....and strikes me as somewhat of a low achiever.

I found myself feeling exceedingly drained when he was around me for a great period of time.

So it seems to have faded.

Like the fall leaves....

Thanksgiving

2011-11-25T17:20:00.002-05:00

Hello everyone!

You have not been forgotten...I have just been incredibly busy trying to work on getting things settled on my parents' estate. Mother's probate finally closed....and the way dad had his affairs in order, I was not required to go through the probate stuff.

Still it has been so busy...I just can't begin to tell you about everything.

First and foremost, I have been working on the house -- my house. It is 111 years old...and appears to have been a Sears Craftsman house. Always before I just sort of took the place for granted...but now as I have had to plunder and pillage....and look at it with a critical eye, I must say it is a cute building.

So, I am in the process of making it a lot cuter.

This is because I have made some serious decisions. I plan to rent the place so that it gives me a new revenue stream. So to increase the curb appeal, I have had new windows installed (it immediately killed all the drafts)....and I am currently in the process of having new siding installed. This will change the color of the place....from basic WHITE aluminum 50yo siding, to pale yellow vinyl. It has a new green roof...and the yellow just sets it off.

While I was there, there was an electrical fire...which leads me to believe that the electrical system needs to be revamped or updated or something. I've painted the inside...and put in new rugs.....and updated the kitchen.

It turns out that Daddy had 5 weapons. I sold all of them this last trip. I am certainly not a fan of firearms. Supposedly there are handguns somewhere in the arsenal too that I have yet to come across.

I ventured into one of the two attics. Amazing stuff there. Went into the crawl space below the place....and there are all my old toys....still intact. Unbelievable.

Another attic....at the very top of the house is one that I have not yet gotten to climb into. Primarily because it looks like the opening is super tiny....and I'm a rather big man. I think the old 1960s era Christmas Decorations are there.

While cleaning Daddy's closet (home of the weapons), I came across 5 leisure suits.....in pristine condition. The last time Dad wore them, he had them drycleaned...and so there they were, in the back of his closet...in plastic....just waiting to be discovered by "me."

Also found my highschool yearbooks.....and my highschool jacket. While there, I met up with about 20 of my old classmates....and they loved the stuff I found....and they posed in the jacket for our Facebook page!

For all the positives....the one abiding negative is that my parents are gone. In the words of someone famous...."they belong to the ages"...and I miss them. It hurts like hell....and there is nothing I can do to change that.

On my last day there, I went to the cemetery to pay my respects...and to decorate the gravesite for Christmas. If you have a loved one that has left, do yourself a favor...and take it from me: do not go to the cemetery on an early, gray, rainy, foggy morning. It plays with your mind.

I got there and cleaned the monument off and got rid of the fall decorations. I had picked up some nifty decorates at Wal-mart.... and proceeded to decorate -- me....with my little baseball hat and jacket -- the one lone person in this cold desolate cemetery in the middle of no where. I had nothing with me but my memories of how things used to be.....and the sound of the downpour I was enveloped in. I hurried and made my adjustments....put in fake poinsettias into the flower vases....with the fake holly and the fake berries. On each bench over the niche where my parents are, I fastened fake festive holiday packages...that shimmered red and gold in the drizzle.

I stood back to admire my work....

I stood there.

I did not move.

For the longest time...

My eyes flooded over.

I stared...in the cold pouring rain.

Every fiber of my being was doused with the cold autumn rain.

Finally I moved.

I got in my car. Cold to the bone.

I drove back to my house in WV -- a good 30 minutes away.

It took me even longer to drive to my home in Alexandria, VA.

I made it there at 2am.

On the First Anniversary of My Mother's Final Goodbye

2011-10-12T06:07:00.002-05:00

Yesterday I reached a milestone.

One year ago yesterday at approximately 1:15 pm, I watched my mother draw her last breath. It has been a very long and painful year. But in some ways I have learned a lot and, yes, at the age of 53, I guess I can say I have grown up.

This weekend I traveled back to WV to check on things...and to face down my fear of being there for this "anniversary." Some of my friends in Huntington were very attentive...and one in particular dragged me to Pt. Pleasant and to Parkersburg to visit Blennerhassett Island. I thought that would be quite fitting, given the fact that Mom had a tremendous fascination with Blennerhassett and would have loved the opportunity to go there.

I was feeling kind of smug. I also visited the cemetery. It was the first time I went and didn't melt down from grief. The person that went with me and I actually chatted and laughed as I told him some of the funny things that my mother has shared with me....and the other memories I have and of some of her quips. I also told him about my dad's last visit to the cemetery before he grew ill this summer. He got to see the stone...and he pronounced that it was good....then he went to a neighboring monument....sat on it and lit up a cigarette.

I felt so proud of myself. I was able to get through all that without tears....without my heart breaking. I thought that my grief counseling was doing the trick.

Then today happened.

I packed up the car....took a few last looks around at the house....and the things.....set the alarm system and got into my car....and drove.....and drove....to get back here at a decent hour.

I made it to Covington, VA, before I needed a break and some food. I stopped at a KFC....ate....and I could feel it coming...

I got flashes of what it was like to be in that room at St. Mary's Hospital in Huntington....seeing Mom.....and seeing her leave.

I went to the parking lot....climbed in my car...and just sat there....

The grief nearly swamped me. I cried....and I cried.....and the pain was just so intense. It felt like I had just lost her all over again.

A Fall Update

2011-10-09T20:01:00.001-05:00

As I write this, I am sitting at Mom's desk, in her beloved addition known as "The Family Room" where she spent many of her last days. Of course, she wasn't able to do much with the computer....but in times past, she did. So, I'm writing this after having spent the weekend here trying to do some stuff.

There is so much to do. But I have accomplished much. For instance, I have been going throught he clothes closets in the upstairs bedrooms. I found Daddy's collection of leisure suits....all neatly pressed and in their dry clean plastic since the very time over thirty years ago he last wore them; my high school letter jacket...that needs cleaning, but I can still wear it; boxes lovingly packed with my toys; an owl bank that I was given at 5 years of age; tons of junk; and, 5 weapons.

Yes, you read correctly: 5 weapons -- rifles to be exact.

What am I going to do with 5 rifles....5 VERY OLD rifles. One was my grandfather Vance's. One was my great grandfather Moore's. The other three just belonged to Daddy. I have not yet located the pistols. So, I should have quite the collection by the time this is all over.

I am beginning to deal better with my parents' loss. Today I went to the cemetery and paid my respects and this time did not shed ANY tears. But I remembered some great times...and I found myself smiling as I brushed away the grass clippings from their monument.

In its way, it was cathartic for me. I was able to put some things into perspective. But...it is so strange to be sitting here....and writing this.....and not having them running around doing something or watching CNN.

The gay issue is still very much alive in my heart. Gosh how I wish I had one person here with me now.....someone to snuggle with....or to, as I have said many times, to bury my head into his chest....and to be held. But, for whatever reason...it is not happening...and I am just dealing with what I have to deal with on a day-to-day basis.

It's Sunday night.....after a full day....and a very full weekend.....of various activities.

Now it's time for me to settle down....and to ponder....to pray....and see what happens next.

Keeping the Train in Motion

2011-08-23T08:00:00.002-05:00

As dawn breaks over the DC metro area, your gay pal Frank is busy at work trying to determine the best course of action to take in order to get estate issues settled for his parents...and moving down the track of his life.

So, Friday of this week, I am headed back to my parents' home....which is now my house....to continue the renovations that were begun in July. I plan to spend all of next week there...cleaning and getting rid of paper....and just unusable junk, which, for whatever reason, my parents did not feel the need to throw away. I also have to dig into the clothes closets to see what is there and get clothing to Goodwill or Salvation Army.

Then, I need to tackle the attics (there are two of them).... One I investigated was chocked full of "stuff." The other attic which is on the extreme top of the house I have never been in. So, I have no clue what's up "there."

There's the outbuilding....that is again filled to capacity with "stuff." Finally, in the large crawl space under our house is where my parents stored all the toys I ever played with. So, I cannot wait to see those things.

Then there is Mom's china and glassware collection, photographs, furniture, a victrola or two, old recordings, tapes, video cassettes, etc.

So, I have my work cut-out for me. AND, it's just going to be me. I know tht I can't get it all done, but I am going to take my time....and possibly mourn...alone. Then, beginning next Thursday, I have an impressive group of friends from my MCC church here coming to be with me to help paint....do yard work.....box up....etc. They are traveling EIGHT HOURS one way to be with me. I can't begin to tell you how much this means to me.

They will be spending the entire Labor Day Weekend with me....

The house is going to have new siding and windows installed. I've already redone a couple of rooms...painted...recarpeted....etc.

So the train has left the station and is slowly moving forward.

I am also thankful for the community of friends that have been introduced into my life over the last 5 years. They are quick to say how much they love me...and what a blessing I am to their lives. (I'm amazed by this.)

My main fan club is a posse of about 15 lesbians. They are firmly entrenched in my corner. A couple of them have said privately that if they were straight....and I was straight.....we'd be married. So, for a gay guy....this is indeed a high honor to have two lesbians say this about you.

But, **sigh**, I am not straight....and I have the longing for a special man in my life. There, too, however, I am blessed because in my sphere there are a few men who fit that bill. They are also of the romantic relationship quality...but the current relationships I have with each does not include romance....although at times I wish it did.

So as this train continues to chug down the track and pick up steam...there is so many goals I have.....so many dreams I have....and then there are the wishes....

Where Do I Go From Here?

2011-08-17T08:18:00.003-05:00

When one is an only child, one contemplates the death of parents almost from day one. I was always afraid of being left as an orphan...a helpless, lonely orphan. In my childhood, I always had a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach when my parents would go on trips...or we would be in the car together. My mind would always picture them not coming back....or us having an automobile accident where I would be the only survivor.

It was scary.

As I have grown into adulthood, I had backup plans in place. I thought I would have my wife standing nearby to help me through the bad times. When one parent died... I thought I would have the support of the other parent until they died.

I thought my dad would always be the first to leave, and that Mom would live to a very, very old age and perhaps live with me.

But then 2005 happened....my wife became my ex. Mother was the first diagnosed with cancer. She died first and in the process of her dying, Dad, too was stricken with cancer. His mental state was not the best and he started suffering from dementia. He had to move in with me and was unable to care for himself...or his finances....or his house. He was like an orphan...and I was the parent. I cared for him until the very end.

Then he died...and now I am left as an adult, helpless and lonely orphan.

Oh, I did have the support of my children....and yes, the ex-wife did show some compassion.

But I have had to make a lot of heavy decisions...ALONE.

The gay thing has also been at work in a bizarre sort of way.

So here I am, trying to sort out the little things: what am I going to do with my parents' belongings, the house, the antiques, the china collection, the furniture, the coin collection -- all the stuff that my parents held precious and priceless.

I am surrounded by countless friends who mean the world to me. They call me to find out how I am doing. They support me through the good and bad times.

God has been faithful.

A group of my church friends are traveling to my WV house on Labor Day to help me.

I can't believe it.

I am learning to accept care....and love....and help...with out that old WV pride intervening.

I am also learning what it means to be a good friend. Gosh, I hope I have been as good to others as they are being to me at this time in my life. I will definitely pay all this forward.

CRASH!

2011-08-17T08:13:00.003-05:00

Well, I have returned from the beach....all rested and refreshed. The only problem is that the time literally whizzed by. But I had a super good time. I really needed the vacation a lot more than I ever suspected. The years working with my terminally ill parents had certainly taken its toll. Now I am working to settle the estate stuff...and get my house in WV emptied so that I can have it rented over the fall.

Returned home and fired up my shiny new IMAC desktop....and it crashed. I don't believe that there is anything sadder than a sick MAC. Normally they work flawlessly...but something made this one die prematurely....so I wound up wiping out the hard drive and reinstalling the operating system and all the software. Things seem to be working a lot better now...but I still have not resurrected my email or ITunes....all my picture libraries are safe and sound....THANK GOD. Keep your fingers crossed.

The Beach

2011-08-04T22:43:00.003-05:00

As I write this, it is late at night. I am locked away in my condo on the 17th Floor Condo at the beach. From my balcony, I can watch the Atlantic Ocean as its waves crash to the shore. It is incredibly soothing to be able to just sit and to be.

A few weeks ago, as I was contemplating my life of losses during the past 12 months, I decided that for my own wellbeing, I needed to get away ALONE....to process all the stuff I have been dealing with. I needed a place where I could just sit and cry if need be.

So, the only place that I felt I could really be "at home" was the beach I went to as a child with my parents. We came here first nearly 50 years ago. I've found the places we used to go. It is just so amazing now to sit and see it alone.

As I have rested and done the things I have wanted to do...I have used the time to meditate.....to my thoughts in order....and to rest. I didn't know how much I needed this time away...until I got here. So with a few more days left, I am going to begin drafting a manuscript of my thoughts on the gay thing....of loss.....of change....of new beginnings.....and use this blog as the base for it.

It may never see the light of day at a publisher....but it can't ever be published at all if it doesn't get written. So as a way to process my grief, I am going to begin the process.....take my time....and see what happens.

Keep your fingers crossed as I embark on this new labor.

I will be writing here more regularly too.

Stay tuned.

Here's a family picture taken in 1965 at a statue here in a botanical garden......and what the same statue looks like nearly 50 years later......yesterday....

Nothing pretty....

2011-07-25T21:50:00.002-05:00

This evening has been a mess...for me.

I have had both parents on my mind....and all I seem to be able to do is fight back the tears. I am a mess....a blubbering mess.

This is all new territory for me. I thought going through the separation and divorce were bad....but it is nothing compared to this dull ache that I feel in the center of my chest because of the tremendous loss of those two people who gave me life. I feel so very alone...and there is not one thing that can be done about it to lessen this pain. In the words of one of my counsellors....there is no way to get around it, but to charge right on through the middle of it....meet it head on...and go from there.

So, as I sit and process my feelings....I'm not feeling too victorious...or particularly spiritual... about what I'm feeling. I wish that I could sit here and say..."Ah...I have given it all to the Lord!" Or that "Jesus has made me feel better!"

I can't say any of that.

I wish I could be a spiritual giant. I wish I could laugh and smile again. I wish I could feel that song in my heart...and joy in each footstep.

But....I .... can't.

I want my mom and dad back. I want to be able to scoop them up in my arms and tell them how much I love them....and how much they mean to me...

But I can't.

And it hurts...so bad.

When I started this blog five years ago....I said that it would be unvarnished....not airbrushed....not done in any way to make me look good. Not edited to take out the bad parts. But you'd have the real me.

And here I am -- warts and tears and sobs and all...

Nothing pretty for sure.

I need some sleep....

Monday

2011-07-25T10:07:00.002-05:00

It's Monday once again. I can't believe just how quickly summer is passing -- and I must say this is not the kind of summer I had thought I would have.

The death of both my parents in such a short period of time -- and the impending death of my beloved cocker spaniel -- have taken a tremendous toll on me. Some days when I awaken, I feel as though I am in a fog. The tremendous feelings of sadness....and aloneness......and of overwhelming loss all weigh in and to be honest I feel like the walls of my life are moving in on me -- ready to squeeze what life I have left -- out of me.

Then there are those feelings of feeling truly like an orphan. Truth be told...I am one...albeit and adult one.

All this has put my life on hold as I navigate the sea of grief....

Last week I had one ray of sunshine. It came in the form of another gay man. He contacted me on one of those silly dating sites....and...he and I shared some really good emails. He sent pictures....I sent pictures.

You know the drill.

By the end of the week, he was texting me....and saying how much he was thinking about me.....and how much he enjoyed our telephone conversations and email exchanges.

So, at his insistance, we scheduled a meeting -- last Friday.

Suffice it to say that it turned out to be one of those typical gay meetings that results in all the ground you think you gained last week is now lost this week.

Once again it hurt.

Once again I felt used.

Once again I felt silly for even thinking anything positive would come out of one of those dating sites.

So, here I sit on this beautiful summer day. Tempted to feel sorry for myself in every facet of my life. Date number 4,297 fell through. He has now gone off to his next conquest probably. I'm an orphan. I'm grieving the loss of the two people who have known me the best and the longest.

It sucks.

It's bad.

I've made this comment before about my love life. I look around and see some gay couples who are happily partnered. I look at them and wonder to myself: "Wow. I wonder how they found each other? I would never have put the two of them together!"

Then a portion of me turns resentful....and I think, "What's wrong with me then? If they can do it, why not me?"

The answer never comes.

I grow wistful.

Misty-eyed.

Feeling like this is how my life is going to be....until the day I die.

It's just gonna be me and only me.

Bummer.

Things Are Tough

2011-07-01T20:16:00.003-05:00

Each day brings me one day closer to the big event: Dad's memorial service.

I am having a hard time dealing with all this. The odd thing about it is that I was a whole lot closer to my mother growing up and during my adulthood....but these last 8 months have certainly drawn Dad and me very close...almost inseparable. With all that said, I found dealing with mother's death in some ways a lot easier than this one.

I don't know how to explain this. Perhaps it's the fact that I was with Dad 24/7 for 8 full months. I saw his good days...and his bad days....I was fiercely protective of him. I wanted him to know how much he was loved....and that he was safe. I believe I succeeded in that. At times I wonder if Mom knew how much I cared for her too.

She knew everything there was to know about me...including the gay thing. But...we had both agreed to not tell Dad about it. He had suffered so many "mini-strokes" and stayed in such a rattled state....it probably would have caused him some unneeded angst.

Although it felt as though my world had ended in October when Mom passed.....I immediately switched from her death....to immediate caregiver for Dad.

I think I didn't have appropriate time to grieve.

So, now I'm playing catchup.

The silliest things do it.

Driving down the road......and seeing a place that Dad and I visited in DC not long ago. Hearing music he loved. Looking at the video footage I am putting in the multimedia memorail for his service. Remembering the old days and how I wish that my mom and dad were still around.

Being an only child sucks.

Being an only gay child sucks even more....

Being a single and an only gay child sucks the most....

And not in a good way.

Why do I have to walk this season of my life alone? Oh I have three wonderful grown children that I am very close too. I have tons of friends. But why am I alone in this world without a companion.....without a special man.

I honestly think this is how it is going to be.....

ALONE.

Tears and Memories

2011-06-25T12:20:00.002-05:00

It was not a good day yesterday.....and I had a hellish night because I woke up at 2:30 this morning and remained awake until about 5:00.

I just could not get my parents off my mind....and to be very honest....I overwhelmed myself with thinking about all the things I have to do. It felt like I was in a mud hole and stuck.....with my wheels spinning madly to try and get me on the move again.

Today I'm going to have a little fun...to get my mind off things.

We'll see.

Beginning Again...

2011-06-24T08:19:00.002-05:00

Much has happened since my last post here. Again I apologize for the length of time between posts.

As you have read this blog you have known that in addition to my being a formerly married man who struggled with being gay, I am also an only child who has been dealing with significant elder care issues for my parents. Mom was diagnosed with colon cancer beginning in 2006. We thought we had beat that, but in the late summer of 2008, we learned that she had lung cancer that had metastasized into her bones...her hip....and her skull.

Aggressive radiation, chemo, and a total hip replacement contributed to her remission which lasted 15 months. In May 2010, the cancer returned with a vengeance...finally taking her life on October 11, 2010.

She smoked.....heavily....for years....and never stopped...even during her battles with cancer.

Dad was diagnosed with lung cancer in November 2009. He underwent aggressive radiation and chemo....as well as "cyber-knife" procedures...

Following Mom's death, it became quickly apparent that Dad was not able to live by himself or take care of himself. So, I dragged him -- kicking and screaming -- to live at my home in the DC metro area.

Daddy adjusted to living with me fairly quickly. It was good getting to have him here and we had a ball. I exposed him to a lot of different types of food....people of different backgrounds....and I even brought in some gay folks into the mix.

He thrived!

Sadly though, following a family reunion back in WV at the beginning of this month, he took a turn for the worst. His lung cancer spread to the other lung causing it to collapse. He went to the local hospice house and died on June 13.

I am devestated...

I have lost both my parents within 8 months of each other. I am an only child.

Now I have so many decisions to make.... Daddy's service is July 9. He was cremated at his request. The obituary is written. I had a professional picture of him taken just two weeks before his death.

But I am taking heart in the fact that with all this gloom, doom, death, dying...I was actually able to have good quality time with Daddy. In his words, "We were finally able to say things to each other that we should have said years ago..."

He was my buddy.

I have no regrets.

I kept him safe...he knew he was loved...and now he is gone.

I suppose what I am facing is the double whammy of grief over losing both parents in such a short timeframe. I don't think I actually got to mourn my mom's passing, because I was so wrapped up in Dad's move, healthcare, and all the related decisions.

Now it is all cascading around me...

All I can do is wade through it....

and begin again...

In the Wee Hours

2011-05-17T00:07:00.002-05:00

I went to bed quite early last night, only to have been awakened by my dad's snoring...and now I can't seem to get back to sleep. So very much on my mind these days. It just doesn't seem to take a whole lot to upset my sleeping patterns.

Work continues. There is so much to work with there. Then I have the photo shoot coming up at the end of the week. THEN...I am worried about my dad. This is further exacerbated by the fact that I have a cousin who is also suffering from lung cancer back home....and he is in intensive care. I think his time is coming...and he is in the same hospital as mom was in....and he's suffering from the same final symptoms that mom did.

Will things ever get back to normal for me....and will I ever face a time where everyone is NOT dying from cancer?

I am at a loss...

The night goes on...

Another Week

2011-05-16T05:15:00.004-05:00

So here I am at the start of another week. I'm exhausted. The past few nights I have not slept all that well. Dad has been restless....he's coughed....he's wheezed.....he's gotten up and down through the night -- all of which have awakened me and interrupted whatever sleep cycle I was in.

This week is going to be kind of interesting. I have been commissioned to be the principle photographer for an gay christian conference here in DC. I will be busy Thursday afternoon, all day Friday and all day Saturday. Thankfully, next Monday I will be off to catch up.

It's gonna be quite busy...but I hope I will get some really good photographs. I have a straight photographer buddy assisting....so it will be interesting watching him react to things. I took him to Gay Pride last year and he had a ball....even though he was approached by the Radical Faeries to have his crotch blessed. See the articles attached with the label to this post.

Heard from a long lost "friend" last night through the Silverdaddies Web site. This friend and I had gotten fairly close last summer. The last I saw of him was in mid September, just before I headed home to take care of my folks and the loss of my mom.

He was actually someone I had had high hopes for. He was attractive...gentle....and a man of faith....all of which I find quite attractive....but then he literally dropped off the planet.

Here's the email that came to me last night out of the blue. What would you think if this had come to you?

Hi Frank,
I hope this finds you well and accepting of my apologies for just cutting you off recently... I really can't say why at the time I felt the way I did, but you have been in my thoughts lately and when I saw you online I wanted to say hello with the possibility of a friendship renewed...

I know you have a lot going on and have no reason to reply, but you deserved the apology just the same..

Take good care and may God bless...

Recently? Did he say recently? Is 8 months without any word considered recent? Frankly, I don't know what to think and responded with a simple, "What happened?"

No response.

People can be so strange.....especially gay men.

Thoughts on Mother's Day 2011

2011-05-10T04:52:00.001-05:00

I am having a month of milestones -- a number of them firsts, and it has been harder than I ever thought it would. I had expected Mother's Day and my mom's birthday to provide one-two punches...but was surprised at just how hard my 53rd Birthday was on May 1.

You see, my mom and I had this little tradition that we have done every year since I have been an adult living away from home. Every year, without fail, she would call me up at the time I arrived all those years ago and as soon as I would answer the phone (at 6:52am), all bleary eyed.....there she was with her gleeful voice on the other end of the phone saying 'HAPPY BIRTHDAY HAPPY BIRTHDAY HAPPY BIRTHDAY'! Some years she would end that with her rendition of HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!

And each year, the funny thing was that I would forget she was gonna do that...

Each year when the phone would ring on my day....at that ungodly hour....I'd mutter to myself...."Who on earth is calling me at this hour of the morning....don't they know that we're asleep?"

And then...on the end of that line...was that unmistakeable voice excitedly saying HAPPY BIRTHDAY...HAPPY BIRTHDAY....HAPPY BIRTHDAY....then that song. My frustration would just melt and we both would crack up....because she had "gotten me" yet another time!

Year after year....it would happen.

Until this year.

May 1st arrived....and no calls happened until later on in the morning....when I heard from my children....and assorted friends.

Oh, I got up and went to church. Took care of my dad..... Jessica took me to a late lunch.... Then another group of friends to us to dinner that night at Tyson's Corner.

But my mom, the person I have known the longest in my life was the one in my thoughts.

This was the first Mother's Day without her. In my quiet alone moments....there she was in my thoughts....and the tears have fallen.

Grief is hard. But Mother's Day was not as bad as my birthday...

Yesterday was her 77th Birthday!

I thought of her all day long.

Frank is Playing Catch Up!

2011-04-29T15:08:00.003-05:00

Dear Readers:

I apologize for being gone for so very long, but things have just been kind of busy.

As I alluded to in my super short note earlier in the week, I appear to be going through a relatively "good patch." BUT there have been some bumps along the way.

Since I haven't gone back to read my blog to see what I have told you, I may be repeating myself as I write this post. Please forgive me if I have.

Back in September and October while I was in WV with my dying mother....and my ailing father, one of the people who work for me kept in very close contact with me. She called me basically every other day....just to see how I was....and to see if there was something she might be able to do to lift my spirits. I appreciated everything she did....and upon my return...she was even more attentive.

This lady has worked for me about 20 years. (That's the one thing I find very interesting: when people come to work for me....they never leave! LOL)

I came back to work on October 26.

I was buried and worked very hard to dig out. Then, on the Sunday before Thanksgiving, which was November 21, she had a seizure that surprised us all. In fact, the symptoms made it appear that it was a stroke....but in the end...after all the examining and prodding and scanning, we found that she had a large cancerous brain tumor, cancer in her lungs....and cancer on her liver.

Immediately, doctors went to work to remove the tumor in her brain and have her undergo aggressive radiation. As you may know, radiation does a number on a person...and in her case, it nearly wiped her out. Her body chemistry went haywire...and she never regained strength to have the chemo. Over time, the cancer returned to her brain and began to spread. Her cancer spread to her kidneys....and she finally died peacefully on March 27.

Her sons, 30 and 33, then turned to me for guidance. I spent a lot of time trying to help them as best as I could: she had not taken advantage of some of the perks with our life insurance company......she had no will......her children weren't on any of her bank accounts.....and on top of everything....no one had explained to them about probate....and the fact that someone needed to file 2010 taxes on her behalf as well as preparing 2011 taxes.

It was sad.....it was a bit scary.....and very stressful.

For the funeral, I was asked to speak a Eulogy....AND serve as a pallbearer.

It was a very long day.

But as bad as this experience was....I learned somethign profound: you just never know what an impact you can have on someone else's life.

I certainly did not know it.

I can't really begin to say how many people from her family came up to me to say:

"So, you're Frank.....you just don't know what all she had to say about you. I feel like I know you," etc....etc.

I cried...and cried for my loss of her.....and how she worked so hard to make me laugh during my trials and tribulations.

While she was in the hospital and rehab center...I did the very same thing. I spent much time trying to make her laugh.....or to grin. It usually worked until we reached the beginning of the end.

It has been a month already....and I still cannot believe she is no more!

So no matter how I bitch at the thought of being alone.....and having no one to love me......I look at the one that left here.....
I really know better.

So, I can't help but think how blessed I am to have friends from every corner of the planet. These are folks who have said they love me.....and are supportive in so many different ways. My problems are so small. I have a brand new appreciation for my faith.

Yes the gay formerly married guy is thankful for all his blessings.

Oh, and by the way, there are some new men in my life......not sure how they will play out....but they are there.

I just need to have some direction on how to proceed.

A Good Patch

2011-04-26T06:03:00.002-05:00

Frank is going through a good patch right at the moment. No major catastrophes as of this writing. Dad is still hanging on...and seems in relatively good spirits.

I'm doing okay....

Will write more shortly....I apologize for the big gap....

Lots to tell.

Don't go away!

"YOU SHALL NOT LIE WITH A MAN AS WITH A WOMAN" -- A New Interpretation of Leviticus

2011-03-10T20:22:00.001-05:00

"You shall not lie with a man as with a woman"........ a new interpretation.

When a woman asks questions about her appearance..... like the classic "Does this make my ass look fat?" ...... it is okay to lie to her. In fact, it is polite, civilized, expected, the all-around right thing to do.

However, it is not okay to lie with a man this way. NO excuses. You have to tell him the truth. He's a man; he can take it.

That's it. That's all. Nothing to do with homosexuality.

Gay Bitchiness 101

2011-03-07T18:22:00.002-05:00

It seems that gay guys can be more bitchy than women who are in the midst of their period!

I mean no harm in this ladies...but you know?

Let me explain.

A few years ago I played with a much older guy who was going through a divorce. He lived in a very exclusive area....lived alone in this humongous house....BIG pool. We had fun. We met through mutual friends...and he told me his story....and I told him my story. Nothing to write home about. The playtime was good. No problems. We had dinner together...hung out....and did normal stuff.

BUT...

Then my mother and dad's illness took center stage and I soon did not have the time to devote to my "hobbies"...and the guy. He kept trying to get me to join him at these wild sex parties he knew of....told me that I would be perfect in their basement....

But that was a bit too racy for me. I declined.

We lost contact.

That is, until TODAY.

We belong to this internet chat group....and we were talking about age disparity. He interjects how he knows me....how I'm scary....I'm way too intense...and that we only had sex one time...and it was okay....blah....blah and that I was looking for a commitment and how he didn't know me......

I was stunned.

So, even though he flamed me in front of the 12,000+ members of the group....I wrote him privately:

"You are confusing me with someone else. We have been together more than once. Not one time did we discuss commitment and boy, am I far from intense. Further, if I was all that "scary" it did not stop you from attempting more involvment.

I refuse to go deeper into this. But the reaso it ended, I though was due to the illnesses and subsequent death of my mother.

Sorry if you find that scary!

As for "I just don't go for the heavy relationship centered discussions too early in a relationship -- too needy and too loaded with ideas of commitment when I don't even know him and am only concerned about sex at the moment counting on later to work on the relationship if there is a mutual interes."

We never went there in our discussions. I fear this comment says more about you than I care to know. Our fun together was just that. I was not ready for a relationship.

So sorry that you forgot.

Kissing and telling is bad form, especially in a venue such as this."

ICK! Things like this make me kind of glad I am single....and alone....and able to just hang out with friends.

This kind of thing makes me feel even more estranged from the whole gay male dating scene....even though there are times when I crave companionship deeply.

My Neighbor

2011-03-07T06:47:00.002-05:00

Cheri is an interesting woman that lives across my street. She has been known to hang out considerably with the neighborhood gossip that lives next to her. She has taken it upon herself to mow her neighbor's lawns....replace brickwork...remove plants and replace them with what she likes best.

She also worked in my agency until she retired a few years ago...rather abruptly.

In my case...she ruined my lawn contract by removing boxwoods that were awaiting removal by my lawn company, who were awaiting new plants to install. She liked hastas better...and installed them.

I was livid.

But that was last summer.

Several weeks ago I guess it all became too much for her.

She committed suicide by swallowing a handful of pills.

Her cat sitter found her in the kitchen.

Only a few notes were left....about where the financial paperwork was....where the car title was.....where the deed was...... Her closet was empty...except for one dress and one pair of shoes. Post-it notes with red arrows pointed in the direction of where important things were.

She instructed:

* no funeral
* no obituary
* she was to be cremated
* her ashes were to be placed in the plainest of containers
* her ashes were to be scattered over some body of water.
* her furnishings and contents of her home were to be sold by a professional estate liquidator

Her one son was devestated. No reasons why.

That was that.

I am haunted by this. I look at her darkened home....and see her car where she left it. It's a bit creepy.

I wonder if I could have been a better neighbor instead of having my little attitude about what she did to my lawn contract!

I saw her on the morning of the day she died.

I was up early....because of having to let my dog out in the pre-dawn hours of the morning.

Every light was on in Cheri's house. I saw her moving by her windows in her bedroom.

"Odd," I thought. "She must be getting ready for a trip."

If I had only known...

An Emotion-Filled Weekend

2011-03-07T06:29:00.002-05:00

This new life of mine seems to be taking its toll.

I have not been able to sleep real well...and I've been a bit edgy this weekend. On top of that, I happened to come across some pictures of my mom....and of my dad...in better days gone by and I lost it. In private, I have spent a lot of time crying...and it just hasn't seemed to want to stop. Added to this, my daughter (the one who lives here with me) has been going through some of her own issues...and things have been tense between the two of us for several weeks. Friday night they came to a head...and, well, it added to my feelings of angst....inadequacy....failulre....etc. The usual, garden-variety things, that this gay guy faces almost daily.

Here are some of the other things I've been dealing with:

* My dad's ongoing health. The good news is his life expectancy has been increased to about 5 years....from the two months he was initially given when I came online to be his roommate.

* I came out to some coworkers. They were shocked. I did so because one of them has been accused of not being sensitive to sexual orientation issues. I intervened...and disclosed that I had never seen any evidence of this and I'm GAY!

* While I was at it, I came out to my god son. He took it well too.

* One of my most senior people that works for me was diagnosed with brain cancer in November. She had the tumor removed....and there was aggressive radiation done as followup. Scans afterward revealed two new lesions. She also has it in her lung and on her liver. Chemo is out of the question right now because she is so week....and the cancer seems to be spreading. Got word on Friday that she is being moved to a rehab hospital to gain her strength....and she is going to retire as of March 31.

* I have been trying to keep all the balls in the air at the office and doing her work...my work....and staying on top of all the other folks that work for me.

* I thought I was having a budding romance with someone I really had feeligns for....but...as usual....that has evaporated.

* My sugar levels have dropped considerably. I have lost 17 pounds and two pants sizes. We are now working on my A1C levels. The doctor explained that on this "exam" I got an A,but my average is an F....so I need to take my health more seriously....and I have been in the past few weeks.

* Trying to stay active in church....but I'm losing interest....I'm sad...maybe even depressed a bit.

* My dog appears to be suffering from DOGGIE ALZHEIMERS. I kid you not. He paces....in the middle of the night for no reason. He loses control of his bodily functions..... He's afraid of our kitchen floor for no reason....and is petrified of the regrigerator. All these things are new symptoms that seem to have happened all at once.

So, here I sit...at my laptop. I've een wide awake since 3:30 am. I signed onto my work account and got a lot of work done. My daughter just left for work.... Yesterday and today seem much better by the way. We shared a morning cup of coffee and talked about a whole host of issues.

I have had some very dear friends invite me out to dinner this weekend. Those were good. In one case, my daughter and my dad joined us. Another friend had me over for a home cooked meal. I have dinner plans tonight with another friend to catch up.

So, I guess all is not as bleak as it appeared first on Friday.

Don't worry about me...I will pull myself up by my bootstraps like I always do.

Dad is snoring....and all is right in his world.

Right now, that's what matters to me most.

Thoughts on a Late Winter Day

2011-03-02T07:07:00.003-05:00

Dawn is just breaking over the metro area. A late winter wind is pushing debris around my backyard and making a tattle-tale moaning sound through the screens of my french doors that lead to my deck.

Dad is sleeping.

I am awaiting the arrival of his caregiver. Then I can go off to work.

Why do I feel like such a failure?

I really do feel like one.

Let's review the track record shall we:

I am not the Ward Cleever that I had wanted to be. I am 52 years old....gay...and alone. I made a poor selection of wives....I tried taking care of everyone else, but me.....and here I am. Taking care of my elderly dad...afraid he's going to run out of money.....afraid that I'm going to screw up his finances......worried that I'm going to be like him one day....afraid of the second hand smoke I spent my first 20 years breathing.....afraid of being alone for the rest of my life......afraid of dying alone.

I am working to get my finances in order. I'm still paying for the legal bills....and mess from that icky divorce. I only wish I had been more diligent of the what-ifs when I was a whole lot younger.

But, I'm just a mess this morning.

This cold, windy, late winter morning.

Whining to God

2011-02-07T09:53:00.002-05:00

Yesterday, (Sunday), I whined at God.

Like a spoiled, self-centered child...I whined.

I felt sorry for myself. "Why me?" I silently wailed to myself. "Why do am I in the situation I currently am in? Why does my dad have to die? Why did my mom have to die? Why do any of us have to die? What am I gonna do? Am I making the right decisions...I am just so unhappy....so unsure...."

I went to the early service at a church that's not far from my house. I have become friendly with the pastor...and he has taken an interest in my situation. His sermon was entitled, "The Happiness Manifesto." In that message he talked about his partner, who he lost from AIDS in 1996. When he wondered what he was going to do when the partner died, God gently reminded him of what "we" are going to do.

Near the end of the service, the congregation sang the old hymn, "God Will Take Care of You."

I hadn't really paid attention to that old song. But yesterday I did. It hit me...I am just trying to put everything on me. I am trying to fix everything...instead of allowing God to do His thing...with me....TOGETHER.

Following that service, I had a gentle nudge to go to my own morning service. It took about a half-hour to drive there.

The ensemble at church sang the old Bill Withers song, "LEAN ON ME"....followed by a sermon on "Handle With Care." After the sermon, one of our female members came up to receive the offering. However, before she did that, she felt the Holy Spirit nudge her to sing a chorus of a song...."God Will Take Care of You."

So it felt as though in response to my whining, God hit me up the side of the head with a 2X4 to say, He would take care of me. I need to trust Him during this dark hour...and let him do His thing.

Message received.

Loud & Clear!

Watching Daddy Sleep

2011-01-24T08:03:00.004-05:00

It's Monday.

My caregiver can't be here today. Something about a green card issue.

So, even though she was prepared to have a substitute fill in for her, I told her that I would take leave and stay with him.

It's a thankless task....being with my dad during this time of illness. In the end, when all is said and done, I will have the comfort of knowing that I spent every available moment with him and trying to keep him comfortable.

As I watch him sleep...which is what he does mostly these days....I remember so much from my childhood. Dad was always a bit quirky....a control freak. He would give me a task to do...but then wind up having to do it himself because he wanted it done "right". These repeated actions really did a number on me....and left me with the feeling that I couldn't do anything. In fact, I still suffer the residual effects of all this even today.

But watching dad sleep now, makes me wonder what made him the way he was. Did his dad treat him the same way?

Daddy coughs and peers over the side of his hospital bed....making sure I'm here. His hearing aids are out....and he can't hear a thing. We make eye contact. He gives a feeble smile and then turns on his side. All is well in his world.

He complained earlier about the fact that all he wants to do is sleep now. I respond by saying, "I know." I tuck the comforter around him. The hospice people say that this is going to happen...he will sleep and sleep and sleep and slowly fade away...unless some imbalance in his body, caused by the cancer, will take him sooner.

They tell me that I shouldn't be surprised when the end comes.

But I know that when the end comes....all bets are off. I probably will be a wreck....and then I can go about the business of mourning.

For both of my parents...

Tired and Turned Off With the Whole Gay Thing

2011-01-22T10:39:00.002-05:00

I actually have some time to myself!

It has been way too long.

Most of the time since mother died, I have been surrounded by family members monitoring my every mood. The daughter who lives with me has commandeered my MAC...and my dad, who now lives with me, requires constant monitoring.

It feels like my life is foggy...and I spend the majority of it on autopilot: going to work....coming home.....becoming caregiver.....watching Dad's every move.....listening for him to try and get out of his hospital bed...he thinks he can get up whenever and walk wherever. He simply doesn't get it that he is no longer an independent middle-aged man. He is now a very thin....very stooped.....shell of what he once was.

And he falls.

Constantly...

You can turn away for two seconds....and bam...a thud.

It is unreal.

I never thought I would be in this position with him. Between my two parents, I had always assumed he would be the first to go. But it was my mom.

And it hurt....like hell. It still does.

But, for all the frustration....and concern.....and fatigue....and worry.....and overall caregiving....I would not take a million dollars for this time I am having with my dad.

You see, as I grew up...I knew he loved me...but we just didn't take the time to get to know one another. He had his responsibilities and in the 50s and 60s, Dads were not generally "that" close to their kids. They worked....they came home....they were in charge of the discipline..... I call it the Ward Cleaver approach.

So, in the three months that my daddy has spent with me thus far, it has been a time of growing very close to him....and listening to him. He enjoys his one-on-one time with me....and he told a guest the other night that "I've been having a good time with my son. We've gotten to say a whole lot of things we should have said a long time ago."

So, I suppose this is my time to catch up....bridge chasms....and prepare for closure with him.

BUT...

I have not discussed the gay thing with him.

That is waaaaaaaaaaaaaay off the charts in terms of trying to fill him in on all of this. The stuggles....the sadness....the gloom....the loneliness.....the agony....the ecstasy.....all parts of being gay.

And, as he deteriorates...it doesn't matter.

The one thing that does matter is that I have him now for what little time is left....and he has me.

I digress.

Sorry.

At this writing, Dad is still sleeping. He spends so much more time sleeping in a day. He only averages about 4 hours of waking time. HIs eating has slown greatly. The hospice people say that this is all to be expected. They also say that I should expect his departure at any time....and to not be surprised that when I walk out of his room and return, he could be gone....or I could wake up one morning and he be gone.

Suffice it all to say that I have a few moments to myself. My daughter is working her 2nd job today....and my dad is still sleeping. I'm in the mood to write.

And so here I am.

I am exhausted. I suppose I should talk to my grief counselor about all that is going through my head at the moment. I just don't have time to focus on me right now. The counselor calls me religiously....to check in on me....and she has said repeatedly just how difficult grieving a significant loss is...but that I am extra special because I'm gearing up for another loss...."soon."

I suppose I will deal with all that when the time comes.

I've lost interest in friends......I've lost interest in church.......I've even lost interest in the whole gay thing. Even sex!

Some of the budding relationships I thought were percolating nicely prior to October 11, all appear to have fizzled. Each of those available gay men have said one of the following: "I'm giving you space with your family." Even though I told him that I would really like to get out of the house for a meal or something. "Let's get together the next time you're in town," only for him to be totally unavailable each time I am in his town. Then to add insult to injury, he writes on Facebook that he is still pining for his first love...the one who dumped him....said very hurtful things to him.....and is an alcoholic and a total mess.

The other two men that I have been hopeful for have just dropped off the face of the earth and I never hear from them.

So, I am ready to turn in my "GAY" membership card.

I am turned off.

I am disillusioned.

AND...on top of all that..I found one of those reality shows on the LOGO network that only reinforces my disillusionment with the gay community at large.

It's called "The A-List"....a group of gay men in their 20s, 30s, and 40s....who are all into this big social whirl in NYC. They know this celebrity or that celebrity....they have this penthouse....or perform in that play....and they are into looks, wealth....and things! Why, even one of them, who might be actually likeable if he would drop all the pretense......and the bitchiness.....has a really good claim to fame as to why he is on the A-list....it's because he knows Lindsey Lohan!

God help us all.

So, here is Frank....who struggled for so long to rise out of the ashes.....definitely not on that A-list and who doesn't want to be.

I am sitting here....actually glad that I am alone....in the quiet of the morning. I can hear Dad snoring in the next room.... My writing this morning is nothing more than a stream of consciousness.....

Cold and Blue

2011-01-12T09:35:00.002-05:00

Had a near miss with my daddy this weekend. Friday when I got home from the office, he was simply lifeless.

He could not walk.

He did not want to eat.

He did not want to drink.

He had a fever of 101.8.

I was a bit frightened by his sudden deterioration.

So, I spent the entire weekend looking for supositories to calm his nausea. I also had to find tylenol supositories. I finally found them at an all night CVS in Springfield VA at 3:00 Saturday morning.

And, guess who was elected to insert the supositories? Well, it certainly was not my dad.

My daughter remarked at how calm and cool I was in handling all this.

I told her that it was all just a front...and that inside I was a wreck.

Following all this, we were barraged by a parade of nurses from Hospice. Yesterday the doctor at Hospice made a house call. She diagnosed dad as suffering from bacterial pneumonia. She also said that his overall condition has deteriorated....considerably since she first visited him in November.

All told....I need to brace myself for his passing.

I am stressed.....and saddened by all this.

Why did I have to lose my parents like this?

A New Year Has Begun...

2011-01-02T22:14:00.002-05:00

I cannot believe that 2010 is finally over. It was what I consider to be a very hellish year. I'm glad that 2011 can begin. I suppose I am looking for the new year to be my NEW BEGINNING.

Where do I begin to catch you up on all the things that have been going on in my life? First, my dad has officially moved in with me. It presents all new stresses and anxiety for me. My daughter, who also lives with me, is showing a side of herself that I'm not really pleased with. She is like Lovey Jr. This is perhaps due to the fact that Lovey seems to exert so much influence over her. I don't like it. But, Lovey is the mother...and I can't keep her away from her mom.

Lovey Jr. even talked this evening about buying a house and moving out. That was a surprise....and I was swallowed up with pride...and not feeling like such a good dad. You know, I spent a lot of time trying to make my house pleasing for her to live in, and apparently it isn't good enough.

Oh well.

We eeked through the Christmas holiday. On the morning of Christmas Eve, I felt really bad for myself. I found myself second guessing decisions I was forced to make for my mom while she was in the hospital...and to be honest I was haunted by them. Did I cause mom to die? Did I kill her? My daughter from Nashville sensed the anguish I was feeling and she told me to stop having a pity party. She said, "Dad, I was there with you as you made those decisions....and you made all the right ones. Why don't you focus on the blessings you have this holiday season....namely, two of your kids, your dad....and all the stuff you have."

It helped me a lot.

Then I also had a ton of guests in for Christmas. I had the assistant pastor of where Lovey Jr. goes to church. Lovey's mom and sister came by. A photographer friend came by....and then finally, LOVEY herself showed up.

It was old home week.

I just don't know what to think about it all.

The photographer then showed up on New Year's Day with a framed and matted print of a picture he took of me with my Dad. I have hung it in my dining room. It's wonderful to see.

New Years has been quiet. I didn't feel like throwing my holiday hooptido. Perhaps next year.

Spiritually I feel adrift....I don't want to go to church...I don't even want to be with friends....I am just very down.

I miss mom...it just still hurts. The pain is excruciating.

On top of all that, I have had a few nibbles on the dating front....but the men did as they normally do....they flake off.

That was a downer.

So, as you can see. I am still here...but still adrift....and down. No raises at my job thanks to President Obama.

Let the frustration....gloom and doom begin!

New Places

2010-11-22T07:06:00.002-05:00

Well, I have definitely arrived at a new place on my journey. Mom is gone...and now I am the primary caregive for my dad who will be 78 on January 13.

Nothing has prepared me for this role.

I find myself tearing up at the stupidest times. For instance, I was at a restaurant just now getting a quick breakfast, and wouldn't you know, they were playing Christmas carols. It's the first Christmas carols of the 2010 season. I felt this cloak of coldness and sadness envelop me like I have never experienced. Gosh, even as I write this I find myself having to brush away tears.

Dealing with all of my dad's care issues, I've not had the time to fully focus on the grieving process for mom. Coupled with the fact that I don't have that much time with dad left....I'm bobbing and weaving through life....and feeling a bit wiped out by it all.

In the midst of all this, Lovey's Aunt died tragically on November 6. Her memorial service is today. She suffered from Alzheimers but never forgot who I was. She always told me I was good looking and loved hugging me because I felt so good. She fell down a flight of stairs a Mom O'Lovey's and it really did a tremendous damage to her body. The Alzheimers made her immune to the pain...and she was just a southern lady until the very end.

So, I feel like I am living a nightmare.....two close relatives....dead in as many weeks.

I feel as though the tide of grief is gonna sweep me away...

Reflections on My LIfe

2010-10-20T19:00:00.002-05:00

Ok...I'm in a dark place this evening. And all of you who read this blog with any regularity know why.

So, as I sit here in my parents' home, I'm feeling VERY alone. The loss of the warmth of my mother's presence has just left this place with such a hollowness that is hard to describe.

As I have thought about all that is going on...and about the stuff that needs to be done....I wonder why this is happening now. Over the past 5 years, as I have emerged from one crisis...I find myself totally enveloped by the mist of yet another one.

Three weeks ago, I was sitting on mom and dad's front porche on a hot early fall day. Mom was feeling well...and a bit wistful.

"It's coming," she said bluntly.

We both knew what she meant.

"And it is a lot closer than either of us know."

"Are you frightened?" I asked.

"Not really," she answered quietly. "It's a new adventure. The only thing I realize is that I have never done this before and I don't know what to expect. When I have been frightened by the unknown, after whatever it was that I was afraid of was over, I looked back and realized the fears were silly! I think this is going to be the same."

"How do you feel?" I asked.

"I feel like I am divorcing my body," she answered. "It's hard to explain."

She knew and she was calm.

I looked over at her and said, "Mom...you know I have been through a whole lot of drama over the past few years right?"

"You sure have." She smiled.

"Well, when you arrive at your final destination, is there anyway you could put in a good word for me up there and ask them if they could lighten up on me some?"

"You got it," she said. "I will look in on you and see what I can do to make your life easier."

She squeezed my hand.

I squeezed back.

"I love you," I told her.

"You too!"

She smiled again.

Grief - 2

2010-10-20T18:36:00.003-05:00

A friend sent me this today. I have received such comfort from my friends during this time. I'm amazed by their love....their care...and their compassion.

The Dash
by Linda Ellis

I read of a man who stood to speak
At the funeral of a friend
He referred to the dates on her tombstone
From the beginning to the end

He noted that first came the date of her birth
And spoke the following date with tears,
But he said what mattered most of all
Was the dash between those years

For that dash represents all the time
That she spent alive on earth.
And now only those who loved her
Know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not how much we own;
The cars, the house, the cash,
What matters is how we live and love
And how we spend our dash.

So think about this long and hard.
Are there things you’d like to change?
For you never know how much time is left,
That can still be rearranged.

If we could just slow down enough
To consider what’s true and real
And always try to understand
The way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger,
And show appreciation more
And love the people in our lives
Like we’ve never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect,
And more often wear a smile
Remembering that this special dash
Might only last a little while.

So, when your eulogy is being read
With your life’s actions to rehash
Would you be proud of the things they say
About how you spent your dash?

This is BAD

2010-10-20T04:43:00.002-05:00

Perhaps this is a good thing.

I am 52 years old.

I have had plenty of drama for two lifetimes. I went through a very bad divorce...and it almost sunk me.

BUT...

Nothing ever prepared me for what I feel during this time.

Saw a grief counsellor yesterday. She says that I amd doing and behaving normally....she says that it just feels abnormal not to have mom around anymore.

This is so true.

One thing for certain...during this time of trying to be there for my dad, I also have to be there for me too. I need to take very good care of Frank during this...

A friend sent me this poem by Henry Van Dyke. In a strange way, I find tremendous comfort from it.

By Henry Van Dyke

"I am standing at the seashore. A Ship at my side spreads her white sails to the morning breeze and starts for the blue ocean. I stand and watch her until she hangs like a speck of white cloud, just where the sea and the sky come to mingle with each other. And just at that moment, when someone at my side says,

"There she is gone!";

there are other eyes watching her comig, and other voices ready to take up the glad shout:

"There she comes!"

And that is dying."

GRIEF

2010-10-17T22:50:00.002-05:00

It's now the early hours of Monday. Later on today, my mother will have been gone from me for 7 full days.

My daughters have returned home.....Lovey has returned to her churches. I am still in Huntington, WV with my dad and my son.

I have been so focused on the planning of the memorial service and the cremation....and my kids....and my dad....that I have neglected myself. This is really nothing new. I have basically done this all my adult life.

BUT...

As I was taking a much needed breather to join some church friends at a bowling event tonight here....it began to settle upon me. The pain began to envelop me like high tide.

I miss my mom.

Terribly.

And, there is nothing I can do about it!

October 16, 2010

2010-10-16T22:44:00.002-05:00

Monday, October 11, 2010 was the day I have been dreading for many, many years.

You see, my mother, passed away peacefully after her long battle with cancer while she was in the hospital. I was honored to be with her when she slipped away...and today was the memorial service.

All of my children were here with me....and so was Lovey!

Five people from my church in Northern Virginia traveled all the way here for the service. I totally broke down and wept when I saw them! Three other people from my gay friendly church were also in attendance.

As mother was beginning the dying process...God gave me a special wink. A lesbian chaplain from the hopsital chaplaincy came in to pray for me and my family and my mother. It served as a grand affirmation of me.

As things slow down now, I am going to begin grieving for my mom....alone. It hurts....bad.

Today's service was special. Here is my EULOGY that I delivered.

I hope it is a blessing to you:

I have so many rich and warm memories of Mom. She was, perhaps, my closest and dearest friend. As I have reflected upon our relationship, I have come to realize that there is nothing about me that she did not know about…or have an opportunity to comment on. You didn’t mess with Mom. She didn’t mess with you. She was never afraid to speak her mind. Her philosophy was simply if you don’t want my opinion, don’t ask.

Some of my earliest memories revolve around my being an only child. As I grew from being a toddler and got to first grade, I remember being afraid that my parents would die and leave me as an orphan.

I guess this is a natural thing for kids to worry about.

Dad used to have a mournful bluegrass recording about such a topic entitled, “Someone Will Love Me in Heaven” by Don Reno and Red Smiley. He would play that song over and over again…and I would listen to it to only become horrified at the concept.

When I became a dad, I remember very clearly that one particular time when I suffered migraines, my twin daughters who were about four years old, came in to try and take care of my. They literally slapped cold and wet washcloths on my forehead in an effort to make the pain go away. When I grew silent…Jessica turned to Laura and said, “I think he’s going to die.” Laura said, “Oh no…now who is going to drive us around when we need to go somewhere.”

I have always been fearful of losing my parents. As a result, over the years I have become fiercely protective. My love has grown for them. We lived as the three musketeers….all for one and one for all. Still, always in the back of my mind, I have been concerned about the season in my life where I would lose my parents.

And here we are.

I stand before you today having a lost a dear friend – my mother.

But she wasn’t just my friend. A lot of you knew her and have your own stories to tell. One of my aunts wrote the following on my FACEBOOK wall:

“Two little girls growing up as close as sisters. We shared first grade thru adulthood. We had the joy of walking many roads together; over mountains to gather hickory nuts, sitting on a log in the middle of flooded Kiahs Creek with Mary, singing "aint gonna study war no more"...sneaking off to the outhouse to smoke a stolen cigarette together, having many sleepovers, telling each other what we thought about things, what kind and color house we would live in; married to brothers, loving each others children, calling each other and trying to remember all the parts of a nursery rhyme, trying to figure out what “crarn” meant. In our last conversation last week, we told each other to keep on trying and many times saying that we loved each other. I will live my days in hope of being with you again. Your buddy, Lois."

I have a vast library of stories Mom has shared with me.

She’s told me about the many times she got into trouble with her mother. One being when she gathered a group of her friends together when she was a child and she stood on a woodpile…and began preaching, “Upon this woodpile I build my church…” As she and her congregation began really getting into it, she remembered her mother coming to get her and spanking her….and marching her back into her house and saying “you little devil….”

But her dad always got a charge out of watching his baby girl have fun…even though it may appeared that she was making light of church or spiritual things.

They had a great relationship. Mom was driving his stick shift car at age 12 – driving all over the community’s hills and loose gravel. In one case, she helped a 16 year old boy drive a big truck up a steep hill with lots of loose gravel…all to the chagrin of the 16 year old boy.

Her dad seemed like a funloving parent with a tremendous sense of humor. Perhaps she got her sense of humor from him.

It never left her.

For example, she and I attended a funeral of a loved one many years ago. The particular loved one had grossly inflated their academic and other accomplishments such that mom grabbed at me and whispered to me, “June Bug….I think we are at the wrong funeral…..I have to look in that casket again to make sure it’s who we think it is in that pretty box!”

We subtly snickered….and agreed that we would never tell the survivors that their relative had made up a lot of the accomplishments in their obituary.

When mom was diagnosed with the worst kind of cancer one can have…she met the challenge head-on. She went to the beauty shop. She told me, “Son, if my hair is going to fall out because of chemotherapy, then it is going to hit the floor in style!” And it did. During those times she would be dressed to the nines….her hair perfectly done…..and her nails done…. She was determined to give “Mr. Chemo” a run for his money.

We spoke many times a day In the midst of the aggressive chemotherapy treatment she underwent. It left her greatly weakened….she called one cold wintry day to tell me that she was just not able to go to her chemotherapy. “I just can’t summon the strength,” she said. I told her to rest….and try to relax…that I’m sure one day would not set her back. She agreed.

BUT…that afternoon, she called me all proud of herself. You see, in this day of caller id, she had received an obscene telephone call that day right after she had spoken with me. It made her so mad that she got the extra dose of adrenaline flowing through her body that gave her the strength to do her chemotherapy. Oh, and in the process, she let the obscene phone caller have a piece of her mind!

Mom was quite the fighter. She fought cancer with everything she could. And in her normal style, for a time, she won. She went into total remission for a year and three months. Then it returned this past May. During the summer we planned and she began her treatments…but this time, the cancer came back with a vengeance. For a time she had strength and was able to do a multitude of things….but by the time I arrived in late September I could see the toll it was taking.

Mom began having new pain in new places….and the doctor told us the cancer was on the move. More scans and x-rays. The doctor told me privately that she had six months or less. The cancer was indeed spreading. He recommended that we contact Hospice.

I was devastated.

Hospice did become involved…and mom admitted herself into the program. Somewhere deep inside her, she knew what was happening. She told me that she never wanted to know how much time she had left.

But she said to me at the beginning of October, “I’m not afraid to die.” I asked her why not. She said that she looked upon this as a new adventure…and that the only fear that comes from this is the fact that we have never done anything like this before. So there is a little fear of the unknown. She also told us what she wanted in terms of her funeral….she was pretty emphatic about being cremated.

“It’s coming,” she said. “I feel it…and it won’t be much longer.”

That weekend her heart went out of rhythm and we were told to go to the emergency room. Mom fought Hospice and us, but we were finally able to get her to the emergency room. After a few days of monitoring, they were able to shock her back into rhythm.

It didn’t last.

By this past Sunday, she was not feeling good…but her sense of humor remained intact. On Monday, she was obviously miserable. Her condition warranted a transfer to a private room.

She was restless….and in a moment where it was just her and I in her room, I said, “Mom, can you hear me?” She squeezed my arm and nodded her head. I continued, “Mom, you are very sick. I never thought I would say this to you…but I feel I must: If you need to go, go ahead. Dad will be okay….and we will take really good care of him. Just don’t ever forget how much you are loved here. Do you understand?” She nodded.

Within a half-hour, she had calmed. And, another hour or so after that, she passed peacefully.

Oh, it has broken all our hearts. We loved her.

But we know that she is at peace and finally pain free awaiting each of us.

Not just her family…..but she is awaiting each of her friends as well.

I’ve prepared a multimedia presentation in honor of my mother. I pray that it is a blessing to you.

The first song is “There You’ll Be” by Faith Hill. The second song is “Coming Home” by my daughter.
THANK YOU!

UPDATE

2010-10-06T08:27:00.003-05:00

I have been in WV almost three weeks now. As I write this, both parents are in hospice care. Mother went for palliative radiation treatments on her shoulder, skull, and neck. The brain scan one week ago revealed that the cancer has spread around her skull....it is a C3 and C5 in neck....in fact it has eroded some of the that....she has two masses in her neck....that are contributing to the pain. Yesterday she was barely able to walk after her treatment...and we saw her normal oncologist. Her heart was out of rythmn. He sent her to the hospital...where she is today. While her heartbeat was originally at 162....this morning it is still over 100 beats per minute. They are concerned that she will start sending out blood clots.

Dad is still asleep.

He collapsed twice at the hospital yesterday.

Deep inside me I am going crazy....

It is so hard watching this happen to my parents.

My Hands Are Full!

2010-09-21T00:10:00.002-05:00

What a week!

First and foremost: my parents aren't doing very well with their respective cancers. They are soooooooooooooooo frail. It is scary. Mother's cancer has returned...but she is now showing some suspicious symptoms in her head, shoulder and elbow. I pray that these are only strained muscles from the way she sleeps....and I pray the knot on her head is from bumping her head on the car door.

It is so very scary when you're going through this cancer journey with your folks. My heart is breaking inside and I don't dare share it with them where they can see how it is affecting me.

Yesterday, mom was so down. She looked at mean in a very pitiful manner and said, "Bub, I just don't see any light at the end of this tunnel."

I wanted to cry.

Still she is giving it her best shot.

I am spending at least this week with them. Depending on the diagnosis she receives on Thursday, I may spend next week here too. I am working to convince them to come to my house if she is required to do chemo. Right now it is just radiation. But we're gonna see.

And now there is some good news....

In the midst of doom and gloom....and here in the heart of Huntington, WV, Frank may have just found someone special! Yup....when God closes a door, He knows just when to open a window.

I went to church at the local gay affirming church on Sunday....and this guy just appeared.....he says that something spoke to his heart about me....and I had the same thing. He's one year older....and has two adult kids. We spent some time together last night.....and tonight.....and we're possibly gonna spend some time together tomorrow night.

I'm a little shocked by all this....but we'll see.

Mom is tickled.....Dad is oblivious....

I'm amazed....and hopeful.

My Daughter, The TV Star!

2010-09-13T16:29:00.003-05:00

As I recover from the wonders of my weekend retreat experience, I thought I would share this commercial that stars my daughter! It's for a school in Tennessee. She got this job on a pure lark...and now she may use this as a springboard into acting.

Who knew?

The retreat was awesome in so many ways.

More later.

Friday Morning

2010-09-10T08:38:00.004-05:00

I am home today trying to get ready for a church retreat that is being held at a wonderful place not far from Charlottesville, VA. It is literally in the middle of no where. It will give me some time to ponder....to center myself....to try and figure out what my next move is going to be in the chess game of life. Who knows? Perhaps I will be able to further crawl out of this valley I have been in all week.

It has been a very busy week at the office. I have gotten lots done. It just never ends.

I've also been having a good time posting old family pictures to my FACEBOOK page. As a result, I've been hearing from a lot of my cousins and other relatives that I have not heard from or even seen in a number of years. In fact, one of them left me a message and asked me to call him last night.

Well, I did...and it was heartwarming to reconnect with him after all these years. I felt like a million bucks in being able to talk to him. He lives in Ohio...and was asking me about all the stuff I knew about our relatives. (I was a bit taken aback by what little he knew.)

So, this season of my life appears to be about building bridges and reaching out.

Life is so filled with uncertainty. I'm amazed at how naive I was in thinking how steady my life was....with the job...the wife....the kids....the house....the trappings of a successful and "happy" life. That all changed in a flash...and here I sit....at age 52...alone.. Who would have ever thought I would be in this place at this age.

I'm sort of at an ebb right now. I'm not "blue" or depressed, but then I am not ecstatic either. The desire of a significant relationship is still there.......I don't think there are any serious prospects out there for me right now.....even with all the men who have been listed previously who make cameo appearances in my life from time-to-time. Hopefully this retreat will help me.

The song below is one that I just found. It has been out since June....and although the subject matter is a bit "dark" the video is amazing. The melody is catchy, yet haunting... The video is not nearly as dark as it could be.... A couple of the lyrics have stuck with me: "The sharp knife of a short life..." and "Funny when you're dead how people start listening..."

I posted this elsewhere, and was asked by a friend to tell her what I thought it meant.

I think it means to treat people well all the time....not wait until they are at death's doorstep and that young people do not have a monopoly on life. Life can end in a flash....young or old. Listen to what people say now...don't get all misty after they're gone.

I know this has been a scattered post...but it's kind of like me emotionally these days....

All over the map.

A Rainbow in the Valley

2010-09-08T09:22:00.003-05:00

I've been in sort of a funk since Sunday. This is no secret...since I have written about it this week.

Sometimes as a gay man, the loneliness is at times unbearable. However, in the midst of all this...I heard from gentle Doug today. He called to say that he was thinking about me and he wanted me to know how much he missed me.

Even though he is married.....and it can't go anywhere....it was still nice to hear.

Especially today.

Friendship, Sex and Longing

2010-09-08T06:33:00.003-05:00

On one of the online groups I'm a member of, a thread has emerged that is of particular interest to me. It's simply entitled, "Friendship, Sex and Longing." The group is composed of men who are married to women and are out to their wives. Each person's situation is different....they have negotiated their own paths to marital fulfillment.

On person in particular wrote:

"To finally have friends who understand what this is all about is huge. After spending years alone in my thoughts, same sex thoughts that no one must know, to have a good friend who I can share it all with has been so healthy for me.

A large part of my wife's acceptance of my having bi/gay friends has been the benefit of the "me too" and "I understand part". When I come back from a night or weekend away with my friend my wife sees the inner peace and self acceptance that I gain and it spills over to my being a better more fun husband. It is a transformation that our wives need to see with their own eyes to believe."

This post stirred memories in my own life....during my marriage. I had met another married man...in similar situation to me....and we hit it off immediately. We were together for 8+ years. When I divorced...he couldn't take it...and just backed out of my life.

During our time together, his wife noted on many occasions "how good we were for each other."

The issue was finally on the back burner.

Our times together made us better husbands.

I know this is hard to understand for some of you...but it worked.

For a season.

This post triggered memories....and so I sat and wrote this. It's not the typical fare I offer up here...but it was worth remembering.

Moving Merrily Along...

2010-09-07T21:33:00.004-05:00

Who knew?

I was moving at such a rapid pace...and kind of expectant as to what was going to happen in my life next. After all, I have six gentlemen who have entered an orbit around me. They definitely were not there before. It kind of made me feel a bit giddy. BUT...I'm not able to share all this with any folks other than you all out there in cyberspace.

There is this great temptation to go after the first man who gives me any attention whatsoever. This is not a good thing. In following this trajectory, I see nothing but disaster.

I have begun to take better care of Frank....mentally and emotionally. This was shown in my recent dealings with SEX GOD. He called looking for action...and I'm feeling a bit used. I don't like feeling that way. Sure a fantastic romp in the hay is fun to do...but in the long run...what is left after the romping is done.

I told him what I was looking for. I told him that I was not into control queens. I want someone who is not afraid to let his affections show up in normal living. This poor guy is afraid that someone is going to find out that he and I have been "romping". I'm tired of the cloak and daggerish relaitonship we have...

I am not...and refuse to be....anyone's dirty little secret.

So between that......the fact that I spent time with K on Sunday.....and the fact that he and his wife and her companion all drink and drink and drink.... Well, even though I am attracted to him emotionally and physically....and if his wife dumps him tomorrow....I don't think he is the one for me....and thus will begin putting some distance between him and me.

Andy is still calling me. We talked on the phone for almost an hour yesterday. So he must really be liking me.

Dan is preoccupied with Scott.... I saw him briefly today....and he was behaving differently. Not ready to handle additional drama in my life right now. I have waaaay too much now.

Doable has not been around or communicated with me since he said I was doable.

And...dear Doug... Well, I've heard from him. But that can't go anywhere either.

So, I am starting back at square one.

The Not So Good Weekend

2010-09-07T15:01:00.002-05:00

I did not really enjoy my Labor Day Weekend at all.

Oh, I got lots done. Did a ton of laundry. Did some ironing. Cleaned the kitchen and all that stuff. BUT...I was alone.

I actually thought I had gotten past it all. I thought I had grown beyond the feelings of loneliness and I was really looking forward to spending some down time with myself while my daughter went off to middle Tennessee for the weekend to spend with her sister.

I was wrong.

I was down.

The memorial service did not help me much. Sadly, a great deal of my feelings hinged on that service. The old fundamentalist christian way...and teaching....started me down a path of wondering if I am really on the correct one...or just being deceived.

You see, I take my spirituality very seriously. I love my God...and do my best to keep Him at the forefront of every decision....and every thought.

But even though I have achieved a certain amount of wholeness in being queer....and I like the man I have become as a result of these past 5 years or so, it doesn't take very much to stir up a whiff of doubt....and then I begin to travel down the path of beating myself up.

So that's where I was this weekend.

Tonight I meet with my gay men's Bible group. I always enjoy being with my friends. Perhaps that will perk me up a bit.

Being Gay in a Sea of Straights

2010-09-05T22:42:00.004-05:00

I am currently in the middle of my Labor Day Weekend -- my very quiet Labor Day Weekend -- a time of reflecting on the past, the present and the future.

I am being honest here. This is being written from the deepest parts of me.

Leading up to this weekend has been a full week. I've heard from my friend Doug a number of times. I had some quality time with the "Sex God". Andy has called and written me messages. I've even gotten messages from "K."

I knew that the memorial service for pastor that was murdered would be happening this morning (Sunday). (See my entry from August 30.) So I thought it would be good for me to go and to touch bases with the widow and his remaining son. (His eldest son is the one who killed him....so very tragic.)

I tried to get one of the men currently in my world to go with me. They each had a thousand reasons for not going. So I took that as an indication that maybe God wanted me to go alone....for some unknown reason. I did...and when I got to that place...which was over an hour away from where I live, I was confronted with the stark reality of just how much my life has changed. AND...in typical fashion, I began to seriously question if my life, in the face of all the leaps forward I thought I had taken, is really in fact, better.

I watched all the folks at the service. They were each wrapped up in their grief....and they truly glorified and deified the pastor. I knew him many years ago...and found him to be gentle and loving....but highly aloof. I worked around it all because I felt as if he were dealing with his own demons...whatever they were.

I also barely knew the son that murdered him. He was totally out of the regular social whirl of the family and spent the majority of his existence during the time of their pastorate at my church, living away from the family. He was rarely mentioned...and it seemed as though there was an aura of mystery surrounding him.

AND...the subject seemed closed for discussion.

I never pried.

So, I remembered all that as I watched the youngest son -- Paul-- the one that my girls had had a crush on -- the one that suffers from Type I diabetes -- take center stage as the leader of this congregation. He spoke eloquently of his father....and he sang. Oh how this young man sang...I am sure his father would have been so very proud.

I looked around me...and the people here were not of my normal social sphere. They were the kind of people that people like me fear. They are the Bible thumpers.....the ones who say "The Bible say so..." I couldn't help but think....if they only knew that I am a gay man. That I was sitting in their midst. I would have been shunned.

As I continued to look....I noticed that there were some very attractive men there. Generally, each was accompanied by women who did not seem to match their calibre. The women were generally of the hefty size....people that I would find quite unattractive. (Not just because I am not attracted to women in the first place....but I dare say that these women would not be found on the cover of any magazines....)

And so I sat there....

Remembering how I sat in numerous congregations such as this having these same similar thoughts....for many, many years.

My wall was firmly in place.

It was a dose of my former reality....and I felt as thought I were going to explode. In fact, this experience played out on my stomach. It ached....and I felt under stress.

After a few moments, I composed myself....and got into the service. Occasionally I would make eye contact with one of the men in the congregation. It was that knowing look.... It's all in the eyes....how they lock in on you....and you just know.

I was not alone.

Yet, they would never confess what happened. No one would ever know what thoughts crossed their minds then in a fleeting way.

Following the service, I made my way down front to view the displays of photographs...some old...some very recent. I remembered this pastor fondly. I saw his wife....and she saw me....and came rushing to me. She remembered me....and let me know how much my presence meant to her. "Take care of Paul...." she said. "Go let him know that you are here."

I walked over to him....and he was delighted to see me. This beautiful, young 29 year old man through himself at me. We embraced for a good little while.....as I told him that I would be here for him if he needed me.

He gave me a piece of paper that gave directions to a reception following church....at another church north of where we were. He wanted me to come there because of his mom and because of him.

I agreed....and soon found myself in a full social situation with these people.

The people who must not know that I am gay.

So I chit chatted....and talked....and heard their world views....as small minded as they seemed. I learned that the congregation has decided that Paul was going to become their new pastor. He is 29 years old...and has never darkened the door of a seminary. But then, that's how it's done there....in my former life. He came to me twice during the reception to again say how much my presence meant to his family. And to him. I gave him my card with all my contact information. I told him that if he needed anywhere to relax....to see a movie...or share a meal....give me a shout.

I meant every word of it. His best friend is now gone. He's a little boy lost.

It was then time to return to my home.

My visit to my other life was concluded....and I headed home.

Emotionally drained.

Labor Day Weekend

2010-09-03T07:23:00.002-05:00

I am going to be all alone this weekend.

As I write this, I have no plans: no picnic, no dates, no trips.

Nothing.

My daughter is headed to visit her sister in Nashville. So I will have my house to myself.

I think what I am going to concentrate on doing is cleaning the place....and getting rid of all the filth that has accumulated. I also have so much junk in my bedroom, I am unable to move around safely. I might even decide to try and rearrange a bit. We'll see how much energy I have after I return from taking my daughter to the airport up in Baltimore in the morning to catch her 7am flight.

Stay tuned.

And Finally Some Really Great News...

2010-09-03T07:18:00.002-05:00

I am so very thankful for some good news for a change.

As you know, both of my parents have been battling lung cancer. Mom has been dealing with lung cancer, bone cancer, and colon cancer. For her, it has been in remission for over a year...but she has had a reoccurrence in her lung. She is undergoing radiation treatments to deal with that.

Dad has been undergoing chemotherapy for almost a year. The good news is that his oncologist reported yesterday that his latest cans show that he is clean from the cancer in his lung. YAY!

So I am very happy about this.

As we work to deal with each of the challenges facing my parents...I really want to celebrate each small victory we encounter.

What a great way to kick off a holiday weekend!

A New Place

2010-09-02T10:32:00.002-05:00

Well, folks, I have arrived.

Sort of.

I had a conversation with someone very special to me a few days ago. We were reminiscing about the dramas we have eached faced....and we have both survived. I remember so clearly how miserable I was -- not too long ago, all because of my sexuality vs. my spirituality.

It was tormenting...and I remember laying awake at night -- many nights -- begging for healing. Wishing for happiness. Seeking answers to my delimma.

And for all that misery and agony. The gloom and the doom. I think I've finally reached a new place of self-actualization. At the age of 52, I can honestly say with no reservations of any kind, that I am happy.

I am happy to be me.

I am VERY comfortable in my skin.

I am surrounded by many folks who care about me.

Oh, yes, there are times that I long for a special man in my life....

Someone's hand to hold......

Someone to snuggle up with.

But I don't have that.

And the real kicker is.....

all this is okay.

Wow...this is certainly a new place for old Frank.

Things Are A Stirring....

2010-09-01T13:23:00.004-05:00

It is a bit hard to believe....but I may finally have piqued the interest of someone...and this is someone that I have had a crush on...

First to just catch you up. I have been blitzed by work at the office...so by the time I reach evening....and going home...I am exhausted.

As I drove home yesterday, my cellphone rang and it was none other than Dan! It was kind of cool to have him call me -- especiallly given the fact that he had spent a significant amount of time with me Sunday afternoon....and Monday afternoon.....

He wanted to know if he could come by last night.

And, since I get a particular good feeling at just looking at him....I agreed.

We spent some time just chatting....and I found out that Scott (his partner) has been out of town this week. He returns today.

Dan told me that he wanted me to know just how much he enjoyed spending time with me. He felt that my house was the one place he felt safe...and he felt that he could just relax and be himself.

I told him that I am glad he felt that way.

And I do. It is just so comfortable with him.

But I am not doing anything to break him and Scott up. I refuse to be involved at THAT level.

Then, there's Andy.

Andy called me late last night....and talked...and talked....and talked. I remind you that this is the man who does not like to talk on the telephone....and that I should know that if I ever get calls from him where he talks and talks and talks...that I should know he likes me.

So, he likes me.

This one is a real potential keeper.

Stay tuned...

The End of A Great Weekend

2010-08-30T20:18:00.002-05:00

Today I had the pleasure of having my daughter home with me on my regularly scheduled day off. She had earned a ton of credit hours on her job and she decided to take the day off to spend with her dear old dad.

Lovey was in town today in order to leave to go be in the Netherlands to visit her sister there along with her mother. My daughter fixed us a scrumptuous breakfast. We ate like fiends...and then I had to leav eto run some errands. My daughter tagged along with me and we had a great time just hanging out.

We then spent the afternoon lounging around the pool of friend's ours. It was a great way to relax. (Even Dan swooped by for a swim.

I declare...I wonder about this man. Scott has been out of town...and will be back on Wednesday.

But, who knows....how that is going.

Dan seemed a bit pensive today as we talked.

Now word from Andy....in response to my emails.

Hopefully I will hear something from him later this week.

Early Monday Morning

2010-08-30T01:03:00.006-05:00

Here's a picture I took while I was at work this weekend photographing that floral design convention. Feel free to comment on what you think.

Much has happened in my life since that last posting I made. My MAC laptop croaked...so I had to splurge on a brand new computer. This time I opted for a desktop. It's a beauty. It's a 27inch I-Mac with one terabyte of storage capacity....and so much RAM...it flies through tasks I ask it to do.

I spent all day Friday, Saturday and a hunk of the day this weekend photographing a flower show in Fairfax. They provided all my meals....my lodging.....and my registration for the event....and I got to take a ton of pictures. It was certainly an interesting event to be part of. But all the flowers....the pollen...the fragrances...etc...sent me into an asthma overload. I have hacked and coughed all weekend long.

Another side benefit of the weekend was getting the opportunity to visit with my married friend, Doug. He's a floral designer...and just a wonderful person to be with. We laughed and got to spend some really special time together.

Late on Friday night, my world got a little bit complicated. A man that had served as my former pastor in my other life when I was a fundamentalist pentecostal was tragically murdered at the hand of his oldest son following a rather heated argument over something trivial. From what I have heard...and it never has been confirmed by the family...and probably won't, the young man has been battling his own demons for quite sometime. He's been diagnosed as being bi-polar...and on top of things, he is a gay man -- clearly something that his dad could not accept.

My pastor died on Monday....and now his son is charged with first-degree murder.

There is going to be a memorial service here in my area next Sunday. So, I am planning to go and be part of this...to offer whatever kind of support I can to the remaining family.

I was fairly close to my pastor. In fact, I served as the Chairman of the Board of Deacons during his tenure. It is a shock...and I am still unglued by it all.

While he was serving my church, the eldest son was always living out of the area....and they never seemed to talk about him much. My gaydar went off a number of times when I would get to see this boy....but it was never really confirmed until just now.

Tonight when I got settled back home....I was invited to dinner by my pal Greg the photographer. He was telling me all about his photoshoots....and I got to tell him about my adventures in the land of floral design....and flowers!

Dan appeared at my house tonight....and we got to visit and get caught up. "K" has sent me a ton of messages that I received on my Blackberry while I was at my photoshoot. Andy sent me an email just before he toddled on off to bed. I felt bad because I didn't get it until just now when I opened my email here on the computer. So I fired off a note to him fairly quickly. AND...I just noticed that Sex God has emailed me. (I just haven't had the energy to open that one.)

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Lovey is in town. She and her mother are headed off to the Netherlands tomorrow afternoon. My daughter and I are invited to breakfast with them first thing in the morning. She and I then have a swim date with Dan at a mutual friend's swimming pool.

So lots is happening. Lots has happened.

And I apologize to all of you dear and faithful readers for not being able to keep you updated while I was working my buns off over the weekend.

Comfortable In My Own Skin

2010-08-26T06:54:00.002-05:00

Each new day for me is an adventure.

Back in the olden days, I often asked God why I was made like I am. I mean, I was gay. (I still am.) I was overweight. I was not athletic. I was contantly picked on and made to be the brunt of jokes. I did not feel "normal."

Day in and day out...the harassment never stopped.

I internalized a whole lot back then and I remember having internal discussions with myself every day as I would wait for my carpool to pick me up.

"You can do this, Frank. You can get through another day."

This became my mantra.

My stomach usually was in knots...and I had stomachaches.

I was not happy.

In fact, I was miserable with my life then.

So my defenses started being built. I built inpenetrable walls. I'm sure I came across as cold and aloof. I became a loner.

I buried myself in church work. I was able to hide my strangeness and anti-social behavior in the cloke of religiosity.

Looking back at it all now, I was really and odd duck.

Fast-forward to today.

I marvel at the man I have become. I'm totally happy. I look at my gayness as just another one of my fascinating traits that makes me the loveable and unique person I am. I'm somewhat of a social butterfly. I have a full social calendar.

Continually, I look at myself and my desires and wonder if my standards are too high....or if my expectations are too far beyond what they should be. I've reached the conclusiont hat perhaps my view of what relationships are versus what I desire may be slightly askew. Perhaps this is some residual effects of the "Old" Frank and his perceptions of the world.

After the post yesterday, I realized that there are a number of men who seem interested in me on some level. I've spent so much time bitching about my lack of a boyfriend/partner/husband...that I forget that I must be doing something right. Oh, to put it bluntly, I don't have any guy yet who has vowed their undying love and devotion to me. I haven't walked down the aisle yet.

But, for all their shortcomings....all these men are good men. They are still getting to know me on some levels. They like spending time with me. All of them, (except Sex God) seem to want to know me on a deeper level than just to find out what I can do for them between the sheets.

So, isn't this what I am looking for?

Wake up, Frank!

Sometimes we can't see the forest for the trees! LOL. I think this is my problem.

I like the man I am. I've got a good heart. I have much to offer. It's gonna happen sooner or later. (A lot of you have told me this.)

I'm relaxed. Happy. Content.

Last night my daughter and I had dinner at a local Cheesecake Factory. The food was out of this world -- it always is there. I noticed how people treated me as we walked to and from the place from my car. People would make eye contact and smile...or nod.

When we got settled at out table....I just happened to look over at the next table. There was a humongous family seated there...happily eating...and celebrating one of their members' birthdays. I suppose my relaxed aura showed....because one of the kids looked up at me and said, "Hi! What's your name?"

"I'm Frank. Who are you?"

"I'm Kevin."

"Pleased to meet you Kevin."

Next thing I know, the whole family starts acknowledging us...

Not too long ago, this would not have happened.

At another restaurant....in a darker time, a woman started chatting with me. She said that I had a rather foreboding coutenance....and did not seem too approachable.

I was shocked...and semi offended. But in looking back at that time, I know that she was right.

Man, have I come a very long way.....and I'm still here to tell you all about it!

A Long and Very Slow Day...

2010-08-25T13:24:00.003-05:00

Today is just a very long and slow day here at my office.

The high point of the day was when I received a telephone call from Doug. I am doing some photography work for him this weekend and he wanted to confirm that I was still going to assist him. I told him that I was... So, I get to spend the entire weekend with him.

I will get to see him in his element and watch how he interacts with his colleagues and clients.

He sounded happy and excited. I may get to take him to a gathering of my friends on Saturday night. We will play that one by ear.

Hopefully this will be a quiet and restful weekend.

The Laptop Has Died

2010-08-25T06:40:00.009-05:00

My trusty Mac Powerbook G4 died last night.

It has been my faithful companion now for 5 years...and I have certainly put it through all the paces over that time. We've created video together. We've managed my photo and music libraries together. I've composed my email on it. I established this blog on it.

And it is dead.

I have an appointment at the Apple Store this evening to see if it can be fixed. I am prepared to buy a new computer, but...gosh...I hate that this one has failed.

Life goes on...

A curious thing happened to me yesterday. I got an email from the kisser. (Henceforth known as "K".) (The married guy that wanted me to meet his mom....) He just wanted me to know that I was beautiful.

Never really considered myself in those terms before. Another hot guy told me I was "doable" last week....

I just wonder what all this means...or if he is even giving me a second thought. Well, I suppose he is giving me additional thoughts in order for him to write me... But I just wonder in what context he thinks of me....as a friend? as a partner? as a friend with benefits? Just what?

So, let's recap:

I have a number of really neat men in my life at the moment:

Dan - the man who likes pretending we are a couple....and who is looking for a partner with special qualities. His current partner, Scott, is not fitting the bill.

Andy - the cutey pie with the sweet and gentle temperament....with killer legs...powerful thighs....great chest.... He wants to go slow.

"K" - the man who is married and who likes to kiss me in front of his wife. I've become friends with the wife....I've met his mother.....and I've seen the new house. I've also learned his wife and he sleep in separate bedrooms.

Doug - the wonderful older man that is also married. We really enjoy spending time together. One of the last times we spent together, he announced that "I'm Dangerous" because I tempt him in ways that are frightening to him.

"Sex God" - the slightly younger man that only wants me around for sex. Now the sex is powerfully awesome...but I have pulled back from this relationship because I want/need more than just an intense romp in the hay.

"Doable" - the attractive man who pronounced me as "doable." Need I say more?

So, for all my bitching....there are men out there... I am blessed to have such men in my life. Many people in my situation would give their right arms to have one good guy.....but so far I have six potential men -- not counting Jake -- who I sitll have not heard from...

I'm just anxious to start something. I'm not getting younger. Dan, Andy, "K" or Doug would be great boyfriends. With my luck they will all probably step up to the plate all at once. Then how do I decide who the lucky man is going to be?

I am willing to take my time. I want this to be the best choice for me.

Something That Made Me Smile....

2010-08-24T09:00:00.003-05:00

I had a coffee date with that guy who called me on August 21st. He was the subject of my post OUT OF THE BLUE. Let's use his name -- Andy.

So, I have had the opportunity to chat a little with Andy over the weekend. Nothing substantive...but I've wanted him to know that I was thinking about him...and being mindful of how he detests being on the telephone, I just did not want to push my luck.

We confirmed our plans yesterday afternoon. I must say, i was looking forward to spending some time with him. Turns out he was having dinner with another friend...but he wanted to do dessert with me. (This was fine.)

So he called me at 9pm and said that he was headed to the place we had agreed upon. When I pulled up...I must see he struck a fine form in his shorts....and t-shirt. He is taller than me...a little buffer....and his legs were really nice to look at. But, I did this scoping out of him with all good taste...and stolen glances.

Really I'm not a sex-maniac and I am not desperate. But I do admire beauty when I see it.

This is a beautiful man.

I suppose the thing that makes him beautiful to me...not only do I find him quite attractive....but he has a gentle nature about him. He is kind...and spiritual. He has a strong faith in God....and I find this so refreshing.

I'm digressing....

So we order our coffee and start talking. We spent two hours together. We then walked outside.....and stood under the awning of the establishment, while the misting rain fell. He then turned to me and gave me a really big hug....

and a peck on the lips.

It felt so good.

He looked at me and then smiled.....and said.... "You're quite an attractive guy."

I think I blushed.

"I'm serious." he said.

"You are too...." I responded.

There...I let it be known. Frank was attracted to Andy.

I went on.

"But...you know, Andy, what I find most attractive about you of all? Your spirituality....your gentleness.....your kindness."

He blushed.

"I've always been eager to jump between the sheets with someone who is the least bit interested. But with you, it is so different. I want to go slow," he said quietly.

"I like slow." I answered.

Another hug....another kiss.

Late at night in a parking lot......a light summer mist falling....

Could this be the one?

I just received an email from him this morning. It says: "I always leave our meetings feeling content and relaxed after our talks...Hugs"

Why is the Fantasy Always so Much Better Than in Real Life?

2010-08-23T14:06:00.005-05:00

I have thought a lot about this man named Jake who was our waiter last night at dinner. He was such a cutie and so sincere.

But to be very honest here....I kind of wonder if he was just out after a larger tip.

No note.

No communication at all.

Ah...why is the fantasy always so much better than real life?

Oh I could conjure up all kinds of scenarios with the man from Friday night......or picture a perfect romantic evening with Dan......or think up most any type of situation involving any of those men I am friends with that I have the crushes for....

But they are never going to happen the way that I picture them....

Why can't they?

A New Day Has Come!

2010-08-23T04:38:00.002-05:00

What a wacky weekend!

I'm still reeling from that encounter with the waiter. If I never hear from him, it will be okay because he just made my entire day!

Reading your comments makes me realize just how random all of that was...and makes me wonder if this is how I'm going to meet the man who will become my partner....my beloved? Gee, I suppose it could happen anywhere....or at anytime.

My daughter is still shocked about the waiter. It struck her about how nervous he was when he started the conversation with me. I thought it was kind of cute. She felt so sorry for him. I asked her "Well, have you ever approached a total stranger before? Someone that you may have felt a sprig of attraction for? I give him an A+ for effort!"

She nodded and agreed.

"Bless his heart," she said.

Strange, But True

2010-08-22T21:31:00.002-05:00

Some facets of this weekend have seemed like trips to the Twilight Zone. Just take a look at all that happened on Friday night!

For all its strangeness....nothing compares with what happened to me today. The nice thing about this, my daughter witnesses this and it left her scratching her head.

Following church....my normal gathering for lunch afterwards.....and then a family gathering, my daughter and I decided to have dinner at a wonderful mexican restaurant we know. So, we got settled and just were chit chatting.

Our waiter named Jake showed up with our chips and salsa...along with our menus. He took our drink orders. As I talked with him, he just seemed different. He was quite attractive and young...very young...but I did not think too much about it.

When he return to our table....he made mention of the outfit I was wearing. "I really like that shirt you have on..." I commented that it was much cooler than the outfit I had on yesterday when I was at a wedding to take pictures. "Oh really? Are you a photographer?"

He then went off on a discussion about this photographer he likes....then he asked what my outfit was yesterday. When I said it was purple and black....he said, "Wow, I bet that looked really good. I love those colors."

He got a little tongue tied.

He then disappeared to check on our food....and my daughter said, "Dad, I think he is hitting on you."

It did seem a bit odd...all this attention he was paying to me. It was as if my daughter were invisible.

When he appeared with our food....I struck up another conversation with him. He told me that he was pursuing a computer degree....he also told me how long he had worked at this restaurant... etc.

Every few moments he came by and my daughter said that when he was behind me, he kept looking at me.

It totally amazed her.

Finally he brought us boxes to take our food home....and our bill. I told my daughter that I was going to have some fun with Jake. I was going to write down my cell phone number, but she thought my email address would be much better. So I put it at the bottom of the signed receipt...and put it into the wallett for him to pick up. I decided to wait for him.

He finally came by...and I handed the bill back to him. He told me what a delight it had been to serve me. I wished him luck in everything he does...and he reached out to shake my hand. I shook it....then he said, "But I don't know your name..." I said, "I put my email address down at the bottom of the receipt....drop me a note!"

He beamed!

"All right" he said.

I gently rubbed his lower back..."I would really enjoy hearing from you," i said....and he nodded.

With that we parted.

My daughter was dumbstruck...

"Why can't anything like that ever happen to me?" she said.

I chuckled and thought...this was really random.

Do you think he will write me?

Is It Friendship or Is It Something More?

2010-08-22T08:43:00.006-05:00

Mixed signals...I hate 'em.

When I receive 'em...I get very frustrated with myself because I have just enough timidity to not want to explore it further and find out what kind of signal is being sent.

Is it for friendship?

Is it for friends with benefits?

Is it for something way better than any of the above?

Who knows?

Friday night I was invited to dinner with "that man" who has the wife. The story is that she wants him to find a "partner"...and he kissed me in front of her, God and everyone else in the middle of this year's Pride. What's with that?

Oh, it wasn't a tongue inspection of my tonsils or upper throat region....but it was a kiss....full on the mouth and lips....and a BIG hug...with an apology of wanting to spend more time with me, but physically being unable to do so because of leg surgery.

He and I have had dinner....where he introduced me fully to his wife back in July. (See July 21st post.)

Then this past Friday, I am invited to his new house to meet his mother.....and spend time with he and his wife...

Upon my arrival, I realized I had left the little housewarming present sitting on my kitchen counter. Felt like a heal...(when I told him this later...he says, "Well, you have another excuse to come back!")

So, I found the new house...and pulled into the driveway. As I was getting settled and ready to exit the car, the front door opens and he walks out alone to meet me. There he was....all tanned....all cute.....my heart melted. But then this is nothing new it always does when I am around him. I get all tongue tied and can't think of things to say....or when I do say something I thnk I babble.

Anyway, there he is....all 6'3" or 6'4" of himself. I approach him and there he goes again...

A big kiss on the lips.....and a big bear hug.

Right there in front of God and his neighbors.

I floated into his house.....said hello to his wife. She gave me a great big hug...... Then I made my way over to his mom....shook her hand.

He and his wife then gave me the grand tour of their home. In a nonchalant way, they informed me that they each have their own bedrooms and sleep alone.

My goodnes I thought.....with a husband like this and you sleep by yourself! WHEW!

The evening flew by....and I got to know them even better. But, it got to be "that" time when I had to drive home. He lives about 10 miles from me. They made all kinds of plans as to what all we could do together....explore DC......he wants to watch me do a photoshoot....he wants to join my gay bowling league....

We then walked out into the night to my car-- me, he and she. I hugged her good night.....and walked over to him. It happened AGAIN. He wrapped those big strong arms around me......put his lips on mine.....and releaed me to go to my car.

It took my breath away.

Is it friendship he's after or is it for something more?

Stay tuned and perhaps we will all find out together!

Out of the Blue - 2

2010-08-20T09:42:00.005-05:00

It has been a good morning thus far. Beautiful blue sky. Nice late summer day.

It is Friday.

And I just got of the telephone from another caller that came "out of the blue."

I've spoken of my crushes that I have. These are all men that I am attracted to and for whom I have felt that gentle squeeze on my heart that tells me that I could definitely feel more than just the good feelings one feels when experiencing animalistic passion between the sheets.

This particular gentleman and I have been friends for six months. He's younger than me. I met him through friends...and I've had the opportunity to spend a little time with him. It has all been good. I wrote about him back on July 21.

He's the guy that is married, who kissed me full on the lips in front of his wife at Gay Pride. Back on July 21, he and his wife were on the way out of town for vacation, but she wanted to get to know me better. So we spent the time talking about a host of things. I just totally felt comfortable with both of them. He is the man that's wife knows of his gayness....who wants him to have a partner.

Just now he called to say that him and her have finally settled into their new house. They want me to come to dinner....and to meet his mother!

His mother?!!!?!?!?

Of all my crushes....this man has managed to move into first place.

It is all I can do to keep my mind focused....and to play cool when I am around him.

This could all just be his desire to have friends and I could be one of many. It could all just be in my head....the thoughts that he might be scoping me out.....etc.....etc.

I realize that.

But over dinner this evening it will be great to enjoy his closeness......his attentiveness......his kindness...... and just to make eye contact with him.

And to daydream...

Out of the Blue

2010-08-20T07:20:00.003-05:00

Lunchtime at my office is a pretty special moment for me.

Not because of the food (god knows I love food.).

Not because I have taken the first word of EAT PRAY LOVE literally, as I continue my spiritual quest....see below.

Lunchtime is just time when I can leave my office....find a spot to ponder...or, because I happen to work in one of the most exciting cities on the planet, actually walk the three blocks to the Capitol or check out a new exhibit at one of the Smithsonian Museums. I could even walk along the Tidal Basin or the Waterfront.

It's really a cool life!

Yesterday the temperature was mild. So, after I ate my sandwich, I decided to find a nice bench and people watch. It's one of my favorite pastimes. It's nothing for me to do this and the President drives by....or the Prime Minister of Great Britain. Or I watch a network journalist doing a standup for the nightly news.

I told you it was a cool life.

But yesterday I found a bench outside of NASA. As I sat under the shade of a tree and relaxed, my cellphone rang.

When I picked it up, it was a man that I have been friends with for a couple of months. He's one of those guys that are too busy for a relationship. He told me that he does not talk on the phone....he hates it. We've had dinner together a number of times.

But I've always felt like the initiator...and I was just tired of that.

So, I let him slide for almost two weeks.

And here he was, on his lunch hour, talking to me on the telephone!

"Wow", I said. "it's you!"

"Yeah," he laughed. "I didn't want you to think I had blown you off or something."

We talked for twenty more minutes. He says that he wants to see me on Monday night when he returns from out of town!

I ended the conversation kind of playfully. "Well, I just want you to know, friend, how blown away I am here. I mean, you said that if I ever have a long phone call with you, it means you like me. So, am I safe to assume that you now like me -- I mean since we've been on this call for almost 30 minutes -- on our lunch hours?" I chuckled.

"Indeed," he said. "I like you...and I like spending time with you."

SCORE!

My Quest for Spiritual Wholeness

2010-08-20T06:29:00.002-05:00

From my earliest memories, I have been aware of my spiritual self. I can't remember ever having been trained in this or ever having been given the command by the adults that orbited in and out of my life, "You shall be spiritual....or you shall be Christian."

It's just something that has always been.

So, as I have repeatedly said in this blog, I take my spirituality quite seriously. Had it not been for my relationship with God, I don't believe I would have survived the gay thing; it's fallout and my subsequent divorce were just too traumatic to have survived it alone.

But...

In saying all this, I have to also confess that I do not consider myself a spiritual giant by any means.

I'm just an average everyday man, who happens to be gay...who is also conscious of God's presence and who happens to be striving to become more aware of His presence. I feel like I am still spiritually in pieces at times and so, before I leave this planet, I very much want to experience wholeness.

Part of my journey has led me through the lives of some pretty interesting people. As a result I have learned so very much from each of them.

For some odd reason, I just have this feeling in my gut that I am on the threshold of bigger and better things. Perhaps I may fully realize my long held dream of that special man in my life.....or I may get to experience some long held dreams. Whatever the case, it makes my heart flutter with an air of expectancy.

This has all been increased following my viewing of the new Julia Roberts film, "Eat, Pray, Love". This movie is perhaps the best one I have seen in a number of years. It fully resonated with me on levels that I hadn't expected.

The Julia Roberts character (Elizabeth Gilbert) reminds me of me. I understand how she felt.

I get it.

So much in fact that I have gotten the book and am now reading it.

When Oprah first introduced me to Ellizabeth Gilbert and the book on her television program, even though I found the story interesting, it seemed to only be targeted to a female audience. It's kind of like O Magazine being described as a women's magazine. EPL seemed to be a women's book.

As a gay man, I let the story drop.

I am so thankful for the new film. It's appeal is broad....it's not just a women's movie.

It's for me too.

So let's just see where I go from here!

The Heart of Gay Relationships

2010-08-19T06:37:00.002-05:00

Call me slow.

VERY slow.

Or call me Pollyanna.

More bluntly, just call me stupid.

I have this ideal in my mind. I meet this wonderful man....he's kind, compassionate, considerate, loving, affectionate. We meet and fall in love. Then we begin a life together....filed with love and laughter.....good and bad times -- but because we have each other, the bad is more bearable.

****sound of a old phonograph needle being dragged across and album*****

OUCH.

So far, in the gay world, this is not my experience.

Yesterday I learned this first hand.

As a result of some big changes I made to one of my profiles on one of those dating sites, folks are cruising by my profile and some are making contact. One guy in particular caught my eye.

He wrote to me faithfully for a period of about a week. It was fun. He is ten years younger. Nicely built. Said he enjoyed everything I do.

So, since I took the day off yesterday...and was already out and about, I thought I would meet him.

Which I did.

The first thing he wanted was for me to service him.

Yup...in "that" way.

That's not what I am about.

So needless to say....I didn't stay long....and I left....

The relationship was over long before it could ever start.

It's discouraging....it's bothersome.... AND....what a waste of my time and apparently his.

So, I am left to wonder, when you are dating....and meeting new people......how does one know that they aren't being sold a bill of goods without substance? Is the heart of gay relationships only in how long it takes to get both parties between the sheets?

If it is....and the number of gay relationships are a series of sexual encounters....I suppose it says a whole lot more about the status of those relationships than I had ever pondered.

Most of the guys I am meeting don't appear to want any substance. They seem to thrive on the rush that comes along with the hunt....and then the conquering. When the moaning stops, they throw you a towel....show you the door....and get online looking for the next conquest. The performance pressure is on: you better be at your best. Forget about the nervousness....or the uncertainty.....or learning what makes the other guy quiver.... Forget about close and intimate conversation before during and after. Just get in, get off and get out.

Apparently...all it takes is fifteen minutes or less.

So here I am....a good guy....looking for a special man. He's kind, compassionate, considerate, loving, affectionate. We meet and fall in love. Then we begin a life together....filed with love and laughter.....good and bad times -- but because we have each other, the bad is more bearable. We even grow old together. We know everything about each other.

Sometimes I wonder if it even exists in the gay world.

Only time will tell as I continue my quest....

Another Relationship Heals!

2010-08-18T20:06:00.004-05:00

My ex bf contacted me on Facebook. He initiated a friend request...and then followed up with an invitation to eat dinner together. We set a date and time...and off we went to a little diner not far from my house.

This is the young man that I dated a year ago...and he dumped me in order to begin a relationship with my best friend. It all went down quite badly. After it went down....my now former best friend attempted to out me to everyone on my Facebook page...and became furious when I dropped him.

As a result of all this stupid chain of events....my ex and I never got to finish bringing things to closure between us....until we had dinner the other night.

It was great getting to talk to him and to catch up....and to move past everything that was keeping us apart.

Forgiveness is a wonderful thing!

I Almost Let the Cat Out of the Bag - 2

2010-08-17T00:40:00.003-05:00

I have so much that I can write about....but given the lateness of the hour, I will only write one brief tale tonight. Stay tuned during tomorrow for aFol whole host of installments.

Following the excitement of last night, I had today off. I spent the day cleaning and doing laundry -- regular fun stuff. At lunch time, I thought it might be wise to write a thank you note to Dan about him being such a good sport for riding with me to the wake. It wasn't anything all that spectacular.....just your basic, run-of-the-mill thank you.

Early in the afternoon I got a couple of emails back from him. telling me how much he enjoyed being with me last night....and how much he appreciated my willing to listen to him....as he was sorting out various things in his life.

Imagine my surprise when he asked if I would like to see a movie tonight.... He couldn't go until around 10...and he said he would understand if I couldn't since I have to work tomorrow. I wrote him back and agreed to do it.

So we met at the appointed time at the theater. We spent time chatting....and he began covering similar issues that he did last night on the way home from the wake. Clearly the man has a lot of stuff on his mind. So I listened.

We then went into the movie.... The movie ended around 12:30...and we walked out slowly to the parking lot where our cars were parked. He and I were parked nearly side by side.

I walked him to his car....and he came over and gave me a gigantic hug. I told him that I really cared for him....and how special he was.

And for a split instant....I saw something pass through his eyes. It's a look that I have not see before. It was a look of endearment...tenderness....all that. But it passed by very quickly.

As we got over to his side of the car....I gave him another big hug....and a kiss on the cheek. He then started talking about something totally unrelated. I chuckled. I honestly think he is oblivious......or he is being coy. So I stroked his cheek......and I said, "You are so funny!"

He looked up at me....and said, "Why do you say that?"

I responded by saying...."You just are."

With that I told him good night......and he drove off....

You may wonder why I didn't just lay all my cards on the table. Well, here is the reason.....I have no interest in complicating his life with Scott, even though he is certainly questioning that relationship. I will not be the "other woman."

But....after he gets a chance to think things through a bit.....and he gets over his being oblivious......then he might be able to figure out what I am trying to say.

Stay tuned.

I Almost Let the Cat Out of the Bag

2010-08-16T10:15:00.003-05:00

Happy Monday to all of you. I am off today trying to get some things cleaned up around my house.... Yesterday was quite an adventure for me....

I spent the day traveling to a town not far from where Lovey lives. I had to attend a wake of a lady that I have known for quite sometime and could not talk my daughter into driving with me. (She had a cookout to attend...)

So, I thought of one of my crushes. Actually he not only is someone I have had a secret crush for for many, many, years....but he is a dear friend that I love deeply. The only thing is he is totally clueless as to the depths of my feelings for him. After church yesterday, I called him up to see if he was doing anything. I casually mentioned that I was getting ready to drive the long distance to attend the wake in the late afternoon....and that I would not be returning until late that night.

I invited him to go along! I never imagined that he would do this. He stays quite busy with his life...and his boyfriend. But, to my surprise, he was all for going with me. "After all the stuff you do for me," he said, "It would be my pleasure to spend some time with you."

So, off we were. Traffic was a mess.....and I wound up taking the scenic route on some long and winding roads. The trip to the wake was filled with chit chat......and my GPS system...... We talked and laughed.

I told him about my "doable" story. He roared. I also told him another story involving some friends of miine who sent me for 4 cans of crisco for an impromptu fisting party they were throwing. (That's a story for another day.....trust me....) No, I did not get into fisting, but I was roped into photographing it for them! UNREAL. But my friend and I laughed and laughed about it. I said I would never look at CRISCO in the same way again.....and he kept reminding me that I was highly doable.

We had another laugh when, here in the middle of red-neck estates, two gay guys (us) pull into the mighty crowded funeral home and as we found a parking spot, there was a man in a baseball cap and a girl making out big time by his pick up....right there in front of god and everyone....within shouting distance of the corpse's on display. When we parked.....we roared again!

"Get a room!" we said in unison.

As luck would have it, we ran into Lovey almost first thing. She gave me "that" look. The one that seemed to say, "oh my goodness, you brought your boyfriend with you..."

I introduced her to Dan. I could tell that she was making all kinds of assumptions..... We proceeded into the viewing room. Dan was right behind me. I turned back and said..."she thinks you and I are a couple."

Dan said, "And you are not going to do or say anything to correct her!"

"But...." and he shsssshed me.

We viewed the body.....signed the register, I filled out a slip of paper giving the family a little memory of the decesaed that I had...... I was then ambushed by a host of people I had not seen in a very long time. I did not noticed that Dan had disappeared.

So after I had spent about 20 minutes offering condolences to various and sundry people.....I was ready to go.

Dan was no where to be found.

I walked out to the parking lot....and he wasn't there.

I looked on the front porch of the mortuary....and he wasn't there....

I went back into the viewing area and there he was.....sitting on a comfy couch.........with.....LOVEY!

So he got up and made room for me to sit next to her. (Did he really have to do that?) He then said that he had to find the men's room, but would be back. He then ased me if I was doing okay and as he did so he gave me one of those loving...concerned look that a boy friend would give to another.

I could have clobbered him.

He disappeared....and Lovey then started chirping away about all the people she had seen. She couldn't remember some folks' names...and I reminded her.

I then made a comment about how we needed to get going. Lovey wanted to know if we had dinner plans....she hadn't gotten to have dinner..... But she didn't want to horn in on any special plans that Dan and I had.

I told her that I would check with him....

As if almost on cue, he reappeared....and I looked at him and said, "Lovey wants to know if she can join us for dinner!"

"Certainly," Dan said....rubbing my shoulder.

So not long afterwards there he and I -- the happy couple -- sat across from Lovey, having a wonderful steak dinner. She then asked about how long we had known each other.....and other little chit-chat. Internally, I was mortified.

Dan kept answering all the questions good naturedly.....where he was from......what kind of work he did......how hard it was for him to keep Frank out of trouble......how glad he was that Frank was in his life......

Oh my goodness.

I felt like I was in an episode of "I Love Lucy."

Then it was time to head home. Dan actually hugged and kissed Lovey goodbye....and off we were....heading back up the long and winding country road home in the summer darkness.

After all that, I decided to just be quiet. I did not know what to say. I was afraid to say anything actually....for fear of saying something inappropriate.

I concentrated on the road.

Mortification was setting in full force.

Dan then started talking....about how good his relationship with Scott is. How compatible they are. How great the sex is. I told Dan that I was very happy for him.

Then he said something that made my heart skip a beat....."I'm not sure though that he is the one for me for a lifetime though. There are areas that give me reason to pause."

"Oh?" I said...trying to be nonchalant.

I really wanted to tell him how our little charade really made me feel. How perfect it felt....how he actually completed and verbalized thoughts I was thinking......how proud I felt to have him there with me......and how perfectlly he handled Lovey."

"What are the qualities you are looking for in a lifetime partner, Dan? What would that look like if you could define it?"

He then began describing me...

I chuckled.

And I almost told him.....

but I lost my nerve.

Just then his cellphone went off....and it was Scott.

The car sped on through the summer night.

Who Is My Mr. Right?

2010-08-16T00:27:00.002-05:00

Okay...in response to the queries I have received....here are some of the characteristics of my Mr. Right. Please note that these are not set in stone, but are just the kinds of things I look for in a life mate:

1. Someone around the age of 50 -- give or take. Typically I am not attracted to folks below 30....simply because that my kids are in the 24-26 yo age range. To me, it just seems creepy to be dating someone that age.

2. Someone my height or taller -- give or take. I'd really like someone who is 6'2" or taller...just from the standpoint I have always fantasized about looking up...and stretching to hug or kiss my special guy. Stupid I know...but it's my fantasy.

3. Someone who is attractive -- at least to me. This is one of those cases where I'll know it when I see it. They don't have to have the body of a porn star.....or sculpted like a greek god.....(although I wouldn't reject them if they looked that way.). I like athletic looks.....football player builds.....bears.....and the like. I like facial hair.....wonderful eyes.....a person who is strong.

4. Someone who can be romantic and not be afraid to hold hands....be a great kisser....and to not be afraid of expressing his feelings verbally.....or nonverbally in a physical way. Yes, we're talking about sex here. I am all for cuddling and snuggling. Just touching and coming up behind me and hugging....AWESOME.

5. Someone who can cry when touched by a movie....or a love note.....or a card....

6. Someone who is not afraid of monogamy in the traditional sense and understands commitment. So many gay men have different interpretations of the word monogamy. I want someone who defines it the same way I do: "You don't take off your clothes and assume a lying down position....or do certain acts on another man besides me."

7. Someone who can hold a conversation about world affairs, current events....is intelligent....has a good job....and knows how to shoulder responsibility. I am not going to be anyone's sugar daddy.

8. Someone that is open to life's possibilities and will not rule anything out.....including marriage. Having a full fledged....fulltime gay male partner will be a tremendous step for me. It will certainly be the culmination of my coming out process. This step will take some time......and I want someone there who is very open to all possibilities.....as I am.

9. Someone that likes adventure. I'd like to travel....I have a bucket list of things I'd like to do....and would encourage my partner to develop the same and we set about doing those things.

10. Someone that enjoys the beach....and downtime......romantic get aways to the mountains......trips to junk stores or to car shows.....or figuring out new things to do.

I am sure I could go on. But I will stop here. My standards are above average. I know that.

I am not asking for anything more than I am willing to give.

So look out!

Rainy Sunday Morning

2010-08-15T08:50:00.002-05:00

It's hot and humid, overcast and rainy here in the DC metro area this morning. I'm slowly maneuvering to get out the door to church. I awoke at 4am this morning and my mind was flooded with everything imaginable. My heart raced...and I had a hard time going back to sleep. I finally did, but was awakened by my daughter in Nashville who was having car problems.

Ah...the life of a dad is never done.

This weekend I have made some friends out in cyberspace....who have been asking me basic questions about my sexuality and the down and dirty of how I managed things while being married to a woman. I don't mind telling them bits and pieces of the story of mine....but I find afterwards that I am kind of drained -- even though those painful days are long gone.....Lovey is history.....and I am just trying to negotiate my life as an out, proud gay man.

It feels like I am in a new place these days. I'm a little more self-assured. I'm not willing to just be driven by the whims of my magic stick between my legs.

I am truly looking for something emotional....and meaningful. I'm open to experiencing a relationship with someone where the sex is a normal outgrowth of the intense feelings I have for someone -- not in order to solely get my rocks off.

But I must say....as I have alluded to many times....it is very slow going.....sometimes......especially on this wet, yucky day.

As I was laying in the darkness of the predawn hours this morning....I pretended.

I pretended that my dog was an actual living and breathing partner who was asleep next to me. I wondered how it would feel to really have a person next to me through the night. A man that would be there when I awakened. Someone that I could burrow into when I was sad or frightened by life's circumstances.

For just a few moments....it was thrilling. It was awesome.

Then the dog sneazed and yawned.....and began scratching himself.....and I was jolted to my senses.

One day it is gonna happen.

One day I'm gonna have that missing piece of me.

One day I will have my prince.

And, when I do....look out!

Bitching...

2010-08-13T05:17:00.002-05:00

Yes, I have been bitching.

You can see this in my writing.

But that should not be construed to be feeling hopeless about my lack of someone special. It is just my way of dealing with frustration at not finding him. After all, I want him NOW....and I want to get on with my life NOW..... But I am not going to settle for seconds...or leftovers.... My standards are quite high.

I know this.

Yes, there are times I get lonely.

Yes, there are times of private longing.

BUT....there are times that I am so thankful to be who I am. I have no regrets about coming out and living authentically.

I am surrounded by many, many friends.

Overall I am blessed.

But, honestly, there are times when I feel like I am going to explode from the desire to love someone.

All I can say is that it is going to be something when it does happen.

I'm Doable...

2010-08-12T21:59:00.003-05:00

Had an opportunity to spend time with a friend today. He and I spent a hunk of time catching up on various facets of our lives.

He is a good looking guy and he is eligible. He also said once that he needed to become more aggressive when it came to me. So I considered him as a distinct possibility for dating.

BUT...when I chatted with him today, he announced that he was in a committed relationship with a married man. He has been involved with him for 10 years....and he knows that it is not going to go anywhere.

Asl he chatted, he then told me that he thought I was quite attractive and quite "doable."

"Doable!"

Should I be offended or should I feel flattered?

I am "doable."

When I pressed him on this...he said that he would be happy to take me to bed. He thought we could tear up the sheets.

As I thought about this....what good is tearing up the sheets when there is nothing left after the moaning stops?

Are my standards too high?

Am I too picky?

Is there actually a man out there some place who is seeking something more like I am?

Where are you guy?

I'm "doable."

From My Blackberry

2010-08-12T11:54:00.001-05:00

What I would not give to have that special man in my life!

Today is a bad day on several levels. It would be so cool to have someone that I could curl up next to and spill my guts.

But, not now. Not today.

I heard from my friend Doug today. He is the man who lives south of here who is married. He is also the one who likes spending quality time with me and has told me on a number of occasions how dangerous I am to him and his marriage.

But he still calls me regularly to say how much he thinks about me. How much he cares, etc.

It really means a lot to me.

But, I just wish he were single.

Amazing!

So it proves that I can attract quality men.

Just unavailable quality men!

A Little Romance...

2010-08-12T07:20:00.003-05:00

I think what I need more than anything else at the moment is a little romance.

Oh, I'm not saying I need sex mind you. Just a little romance.

Maybe some old fashioned hand-holding -- a kiss or two -- a hug -- being held.
That would do so much for me right now.

But the available guys I know now are:

a) not interested;

b) too busy;

c) already taken by a female or another man;-

c) or, just not aggressive enough.

For example, I am having dinner tonight with a really nice guy. He is super nice...intelligent....a little older than me.....taller than me.....and he has even said that he needs to be more aggressive with me. So, while he may give me a quick peck on the lips....or a big hug....

It won't be romantic.

Right now I can think of 5 such men.

It is frustrating.

A Day Off

2010-08-11T21:15:00.002-05:00

My daughter has badgered me about taking a day off during the week so that we could just have some dad and daughter time.

I finally was able to clea rmy schedule, and today was that day. We did not do anything spectacular. We just played some tennis....had the dogs nails clipped.....also trimmed him ourselves.....and then curled up in the basement to watch some movies in my collection.

During the evening I received some very troubling news. One of my best friends from over 30 years ago died unexpectedly this morning. Her daughter had sent me a message on Facebook. I called her to express my condolences and I am planning to go to the wake or the funeral this weekend.

Not too sure how this is all going to work out, but we will see.

As a courtesy, my daughter called Lovey. She told her the bare basic information, and the connection went dead. After about ten minutes, Lovey phoned back and was all in tears about this death. She said that for some unknown reason, this death had affected her in a bad way. But she couldn't remember any of the details around her family...or anything else about her.

I was perplexed....but then, this is Lovey we're talking about.

Nothing she says or does surprises me anymore.

And so it goes.

Frank's Adventure in a Funeral Home

2010-08-11T21:10:00.004-05:00

A few months ago I was perusing the obituaries in the Washington Post.

I know....I know...but it was the only section of the newspaper I had during a very boring lunch. It was on one of those stressful days where I was hiding more than anything during my lunch hour.

As I ate my lunch I turned the page and lo and behold there I was on "that" page.

You know the one.

The one with "those" pictures.

Those pictures of the people who have passed on....who were born in say, 1927...and the picture looks like they were 22.

I digress.

As I scanned the names of those who had recently departed, my eyes fell upon a familiar name.

"Surely not," my mind thought as I read the notice for more details.

The name was right. The wife's name was right. But I didn't know his children. Then came the name of a stepson with a very unique surname.

"Yep, that's him!" I told myself.

So I decided to show up for the wake the following evening at the funeral home listed as across town -- way across town from where I live.

I left the office early that day so that I would be sure to arrive at the designated place and time. Gee, I didn't even know that there was a funeral home in that place. Sure enough, there was.

I arrived early to see a somewhat large group of people that all looked unfamiliar to me. The mortician who reminded me more of Santa in black greeted me at the door.

"These people are also here for the viewing," he said somberly, with a smile. "We're not allowing people in until the widow has had an opportunity to view the corpse," he continued. "I suppose she is stuck in traffic."

So I looked around the room and found a very discreet place to sit down to wait.

As I settled and got all comfy, a few more people came wandering in -- none of whom I knew. The mortician appeared again at my side with a candy dish.

"Would you like to have one of these?" he asked?.

"Thank you" as I reached for a mint.

"The wife of the departed is still not here," he said eyeing the assembling crowd nervously.

"I'm sure she will be here just as soon as she can," I said. The viewing was listed as 5pm, but when I looked at the clock, it was very close to 5:30.

More people arrived. This time there were faces I recognized from almost 30 years ago. Thirty years does make a big change in people.

Others just never change.

Several clergymen had now appeared. Other than for a few more gray hairs....and a sagging jowl here or there, and age lines, they were the same as I knew them in the day. One of them, who I had not had any dealing with in decades seemed to recognize me.

He approached me and I addressed him by name and told him who I was.

"Frank, Frank, Frank!" he said in a condescending tone that seemed to begin in heaven and by the third Frank, had reached hell. I knew something wonderful was about to be emitted from his mouth."

"Frank...how are YOOOU?"

But before I could answer, he continued.

"I heard you got a divorce! What happened? You and your wife used to be such fine Christian people!"

"I'm doing fi---------" but before I could finish he had already leaped five giant steps to another ministerial colleague he had not seen in a while.

Thankfully, other people arrived that I knew....who didn't know the fat, middle aged guy I had become, and they left me alone. I was happy they didn't know me. There was the formerly demon-possessed woman, the convicted child-molestor, the microbiologist, the lobbyist, and other assorted people.

Suddenly, the Santa in black returned to stand by my side.

"She's here", he said cheerfully. "There was a horrible accident on the beltway that had delayed her."

"Oh," I replied.

It was only 45 minutes past the beginning of the viewing time listed in the Washington Post.

After a few more minutes, we were all ushered into the viewing room.

The beautiful wooden box was closed.

Loving People 2

2010-08-11T21:04:00.003-05:00

Just a note about that post entitled Loving People. It seems that under the qualifications I have for a mate, that I forgot the one most important one: a man that I love....unconditionally......and one that loves me in return.

I kind of thought that was just an "understood" qualification....especially given the name of the post as LOVING PEOPLE.

But, I just wanted to take a moment to make that point crystal clear!

Depression in Gay Men

2010-08-10T07:11:00.005-05:00

I just read a statistic somewhere that said that one of the top 10 health problems among gay men is depression.

I wonder why?

Could it be because so many of us grow up inside a deep dark closet and the only tools we have developed to cope with this thanks to society and the church are isolations, repression and self-hatred?

For me, it has not been clinical depression. I think it's more situational depression...or what I would call the blues.

Before marriage, I would have periods of self-loathing....and I would want to be by myself. I wanted to hide. I felt so all alone....and unwanted. I just didn't seem to feel like I could ever fit in. Even in a crowd of people...I felt the coldness of being alone.

When I got married....all that went away. I was busy about getting my life in order -- establishing my family -- climbing the corporate ladder. Who had time for the "blues?"

But then, as I reached my 40s and beyond, it suddenly started to reappear. I started erecting walls of isolation...and would feel rather antisocial. I detested being around my wife's family. They all had such wonderful social whirls...and I felt like a square peg trying to fit into a round hole. I felt nothing in common with them. Family gatherings were a source of tremendous stress for me.

Then the separation and the divorce happened. Honestly, I felt like I was losing my mind. The period of 2005-2007 are perhaps the closest I have come to a nervous breakdown.

My world simply fell apart.

Not only did I lose my wife -- the one person I was taught to trust beyond measure. The one I could tell my deepest and darkest secrets to -- the one who knew me warts and all -- betrayed me. All my secrets became public knowledge...
I felt naked and alone.

At that time, I also lost the man in my life that I considered to be my soulmate. He was the love of my life...but for reasons still not clear to me....he could not deal with my divorce and he was not prepared to leave his wife. (I never had wanted him to.)

As time has passed, I got up the courage and the strength to pick myself up.....dust myself off.....and then begin again, but this time as a relatively out single gay man.

And here I am...

So I suppose I have earned the right to be blue now and then. It doesn't mean I enjoy it. It doesn't mean that there is something wrong with me.

It means I am human and that I still have a few demons to work with.

Yesterday after lunch the blues hit me -- like a ton of bricks they hit...without warning. I still smart a bit from their arrival...and am working quite hard to extricate myself from the pit.

It's very slow going.

It may sound funny.....but when I have these fits of sadness....I look for the triggers. I want to be able to shore myself up so that I can rise above them.

Yesterday, the main trigger was something totally silly. At lunch, I had time to look at Facebook. I sort of have a love -- hate relationship with the social networking site.

I have now had my account for almost two years. Oddly, in that time I have amassed just under 500 friends. Not too shabby for a man that complained just a few short years ago that I had no friends.

But here I am...with almost 500...people that I really have relationships with...people that I know....people that I care about and they care for me.

So, how did the sadness occur?

Well, I had seen that my ex-brother-in-law (he's the ne that's mom recently died and I moved heave and earth for to attend her funeral last week at Arlington National Cemetery.) had joined Facebook. So, I sent a friend request with a note saying, "I really hope this finds you well. I am so sorry about your mom. Let me know if there is anything I can do."

I submitted the friend request for his review and approval.

Yesterday at lunch I found out that he had ignored it.

TOTALLY

So even though it's silly.....and even though it's just FACEBOOK....it erupted the avalanche of the blues that came cascading upon my life.

This morning, I only added to this by listening to a Wynonna Judd song, "Is It Over Yet?" It came up on the I-pod while driving into work this morning. It's about the break up of a relationship...and everytime I hear it...I go back to the day of Lovey's departure, which I was not present for thankfully, but the song brings back that time period quite effectively.

I was right there again.

Standing in my empty house remembering what had been and wondering what would be.

Alone.

Afraid.

But determined.

To live again.

So here I am at my desk, about to begin a new day. It's hot outside. It's 2010.

Time to move on....and pull myself up off the floor.

GOSH Y'ALL!

2010-08-09T10:00:00.001-05:00

I'm not sure what's happening with this blog right now....but readership is way, way up!

In fact, y'all set a record on Sunday. We had 63 separate visits!

Thank you for reading the ramblings of a middle-aged gay man.

Loving People

2010-08-09T09:32:00.002-05:00

I find that I have a tremendous love for people, in general.

I love gay people in particular.

I enjoy hearing their coming out stories....and if they are partnered or have been partnered, how they met, etc.

Yesterday at lunch bunch (the group that I serve as host for from my church -- each Sunday after church, we meet at a local restaurant and share a meal together. It helps us to get to know each other.) I sat next to an elderly woman that I have admired from afar, but not really quite gotten to know. She has a lovely British accent and I knew that she had been partnered for a while, but her partner had passed away a few years ago.

Lunch was a delight. We laughed and carried on and shared a host of stories. Turns out that Dianne (that's her name), was born and raised in South Africa. She spent her formative years there and shuttled to and from England. She was a nurse and told me her coming out story...and how she met her partner -- another nurse in 1967 in England. Her partner was American...and that is how she wound up here in Northern Virginia. Her one regret is that in the process of hooking up with her partner....she had to ditch a previous partner....and ow painful that all was. As it turned out, the previous partner married and had children....but died young from cancer. But in the end...everyone was happy.

I suppose that's what the bottom line is of life....is to figure out what those things are in your life that make you happy....or complete you.....and then go for it.

In the wee hours of the morning as I lay awake on my bed, I wonder what it takes to make me happy. I have everything I could ask for materially. I guess the one thing that would make me ecstatic at the moment would be for me to win the lottery and pay off all my bills! Then, to have a special someone in my life.

This weekend I ave been asked a few times about what it is that I look for in a man. Here is what I said. I prefaced it by saying that while the list of requirements sounds like I am narcissistic, it really isn't. You see, I'm not looking for anything from anyone that I'm not prepared to give in return. So, with all that said, here is my list:

1. I want a man who will accept me for being me -- not for what he thinks I should be...or what he wants me to be. Just someone who will take me at face value...and to love me unconditionally.

2. I want to matter to someone. I don't want to be anyone's leftovers....or their afterthoughts. I don't want to be his dirty little secret...where he is afraid to let other know about "us." I want to be the first thing he thinks about when he wakes up. I want him to think about me during the day. I want him to pick up the telephone and call me during the day....or to send me email.

3. I want him to be romantic.....and yes, someone that enjoys sex -- no hangups... Someone who has an adventurous streak...an element of creativity -- a man that is not afraid to be affectionate appropriately in public....and in private.

4. I want someone who knows how to laugh....at himself....with others... and possesses an easygoing personality. Someone who can be flexible and is not whiny.

5. I want someone that is not afraid to have a lively discussion or to disagree....

6. I want someone that I can respect and to honor. Someone who has a degree of spirituality.

7. I want someone who has a love of the beach.....travel.....antiques...old cars....junk stores....photography.....world affairs....exploring new places......

8. Finally a person who is his own man...dependable....not co-dependent....warm...loving...a strong presence...and a man who loves kids.....maybe even has some of his own.....or perhaps he will come to love mine.

Perhaps I am too picky....but I dream for this guy....and can hardly wait for him to be revealed!

Another Day

2010-08-08T07:11:00.003-05:00

It is a beautiful Sunday morning here in the DC metro area. My daughter is upstairs running around at this writing getting ready to go to her church. She has announced that she wants to go with me to mine at 11am. So I must pick her up at 10:30. My dear friend, the Associate Pastor is preaching today...and he has asked that I videotape it. I have agreed to do so. So this will be a very neat experience.

Life continues to be going well for me. I really have no complaints.

I know of a few areas where I need to improve myself....and to get over some little fears that I have.

But don't we all?

One of the things that I have worked on....and I'm really proud of is the fact that I enjoy my company. I have come to really like me as a person. I am comfortable finally in my own skin. I detest drama and pretense.

I am also enjoying alone time.

Now, if I can just get over the fear of taking long trips by myself...

For the most part, I think that if there is no man out there for me -- ever -- I think I could be happy alone with myself.

This is certainly a mouthful....and it has taken a very long time for me to reach this point.

And...to my new pal in cyberspace, Ron. Thanks for your comments of encouragement....I am learning a lot from you.

Frank's Night Out

2010-08-07T23:24:00.004-05:00

One of my friends, who has just moved to town from out west, invited me to dinner tonight. He and I have been friends for over 5 years. We met when I joined an online support group for gay married men who are also out to their wives. At the time I joined, I was in that category...and trying to make the most of it.

As I was getting started in the group, I learned that they were having their annual conference at a hotel in Baltimore. I decided to sign up for one full day -- the Saturday of the conference. Well, that turned out to be the second day after my wife announced that we were separating and gonna be divorced.

By the time I reached that meeting, I was a total wreck. This dear friend sat to my right...and he treated me like a mother hen during that meeting. He kept asking me if I were alright. Then just being there with a hand on my shoulder and telling me that it was okay to cry....that I was in a safe place...and to just breathe.

It also helped to know that he was a physician.

His kindness spoke volumes to me that day. I've never forgotten him...and we have kept in sporadic contact since. So, we were both tickled when he found out that he was moving to the DC area.

I've gotten to spend a lot of time with him...and it has just been special.

Tonight we had dinner at one of my favorite gay hangouts..... He'd never been there...but truly enjoyed it. I then suggested we spend the rest of the evening at a gay bar that features nude male dancers shaking all their "kibbles and bits." On the lower level, they feature a full drag show.

So we spent the evening there...and had a blast.

But I have to say, not only have I literally blown the house with the picket fence ...Ward Cleaver.....nuclear family ideal totally to smithereens.....but I have also trashed what used to be my image of myself as a child of God. Picture this: Frank, the fine upstanding Christian Man....from the old days......going to a gay bar.....(drinking lots of diet coke I might add)....and a huge percentage of the male dancers waving at me cheerily and calling me by name as I entered!

"Hey Frank....How are you?"

"Aw, Frank Baby....It's so good to see you!"

One of the Bulgarian dancers (a personal favorite) saw me from all the way across the room.....and he motioned for me to come over to where he was gyrating naked on his platform. As I approached....he knelt down.....gave me a big bear hug and kissed me. He told me how great it was to see me....that he had missed me......and he was so happy I was there....and he commented on how well I looked.

One of the youngest dancers, a 21 yo, commented to my friend that he and his boyfriend, (me), sure made a striking couple! My friend, went along.....thanked him.....put his arm around me....and gave me a kiss!

I nearly died.

For the rest of the evening....his arm was draped comfortably around me. He held me close....and as we drove home, he said to me...."Frank, I want you to know just how much I enjoy spending time with you!"

I smiled and replied, "I enjoy spending this time with you too!"

However, in typical Frank fashion....(I can't just have a normal relationship with someone it seems)....he is married.....and has been for 32 years. His wife knows about him....and is supportive of him having a closed loop relationship with someone -- that is, a married man who has a physical/emotional relationship with another married man...or a single gay man......who have agreed to be monogamous solely with each other. The married man is only with the man....and his own wife.

Why must this always seem so difficult?

Work in Progress: The Old Tapes Play On...

2010-08-07T10:13:00.002-05:00

It never ceases to amaze me just how much incidents from our childhood can affect the rest of our lives.

I've never been into sports.....and I credit it all with some bad experiences I had in elementary school. Back then I tried my hardest to fit in....and do what was expected of me. But, back then, folks like me were the fodder of abusive jokes....and mistreatment at the hands of classmates, and yes, even the teachers themselves.

I kind of picture myself as being somewhat "geeky"....or a "sissy" at times. But really, I didn't know this...and I tried very hard to be all boy.

Sadly, at the time I felt I failed badly.

On the basketball court, I dribbled like a girl.....on the volleyball court I acted like a sissy.......in baseball....I threw it like a girl.....on and on. You gave me a sport....and I was always compared to being like a girl.

So, I shied away from sports.

Of any kind.

I associated the stale gym locker room with distaste.... I was always afraid of having a misplaced erection there when I would shower, but.....it never happened.

I was just a mess of emotions.

So, let's fast forward some 30 years later. All three of my kids are athletic. They workout....the practically live at the gym....and they love sports. My daughter who lives with me loves tennis.....volley ball.....baseball.....softball........basketball.....EVERYTHING.

This morning she asked me to ride along with her to the tennis courts near our house....while she hit some tennis balls at the wall for a while. I did ...and in the midst of her fun she says to me:

"Dad, I would so get a kick out of watching you do this!"

In my head I heard, "I would have love to make fun of you while you get your sissy butt out on the court and try to hit the ball."

I found myself evading the opportunity. I told her that I was "too old"....or that I didn't want to....or that I had no interest.....

She kept badgering me...."Won't you at least give it a try?" she asked.

Finally, with those tapes of long ago playing in my head....I attempted to use the tennis racket and have some fun.

Gosh I was rusty....and I found myself repeating those tapes to myself. I really wasn't too much of an encourager to myself. I did more to tear down my esteem. But my daughter really was upbeat and positive.

After a few minutes of hitting the ball......I starting to improve. Oh, don't worry...I'm not headed to Wimbledon anytime soon....but I found it very interesting to get out there and try.

In spite of myself...

Mental Health Day

2010-08-06T23:24:00.002-05:00

Today I took as a mental health day from my office.

Plain and simple.

Actually, I needed the day to myself because I wanted to go to the funeral of friend at Arlington National Cemetery. She was the mother of one of my former brothers in law and I thought it would be kind of me to go.

I then went to the family reception afterwards at a swanky restaurant in Arlington VA...and spent some more time with Mom O'Lovey....(Lovey's mother).

It was super good to be with fzmily members....or former family members to be able to offer some comfort. Then tonight I hosted a bible study.

It is now over...and I am exhausted.

It's bed time.

I'll write more in the morning.

On Being Gay and Single

2010-08-05T06:23:00.002-05:00

Dawn is just now breaking over the metro area. I'm sitting here at my desk, enjoying the glow of my 27 inch Apple monitor....coffee at my side and I am writing to you, my dear friends in blog land.

In all of my discussions I have with my gay friends who are married, one topic constantly comes up, Not only are they mortally afraid of being found out that they are in fact, gay, but they are petrified at losing what they have. They fear the loss of material wealth and possessions they have worked a lifetime to achieve.

But, as you talk to them, the base fear of all if their concern of being alone.

It's all very real and I am fortunate to not have lost much of my world goods. I've landed squarely on my feet. I have my job...I have my house...I have my cars.....I have my kids.

BUT...

I am alone.

And to be honest, it isn't all that fun.

I don't like it. In fact, I hate it.

In my dreams I think about waking up next to a good guy every morning.....and just being able to snuggle and to hug...and to kiss....and to touch. I think about communicating with him during the day....and saying hello....having occasional lunches together.....

I long to do just the normal, mundane stuff that one does with a life companion.

But I have to say....in my life right now....it just doesn't look good.

Here's a run down of my life thus far.

There's the man in Huntington, WV. He's the wonderful guy I met while there on my last trip. I enjoyed him so very much. BUT -- he's not interested in a long term relationship. He only wants one night stands. So, he's out..

Theres the guy here who came to my church. He's former military...and he's even dated a gay porn star. He's cute...he's funny....he cooks.....and he came on to me. He fixed me dinner and we saw AVATAR together. But then....he says he is too busy for a romance right now. So he's out.

Then there is Doug. He is six years older than me. He is gentle....loving...kind..... Definitely husband material. He has feelings for me. BUT.....he's married and speaks of how dangerous I am. So he's out.

There's another man that I have a crush on. My heart flips when he's around. He enjoys spending time with me. But the communications we have are sporadic. He's very busy....and He's married. BUT..his wife encourages him to get out there and find a partner. Defnitely not getting my hopes on that one.

There's another guy that I have been "seeing".... We have dinner periodically....and we enjoy being around each other. But emotionally it feels as though the relationship is stalled.

Then, there's SEX GOD. He's a guy I've known for quite sometime. He's available....and I'm available. The sex between us is incredible. Mindblowing....toe curling......earth quaking.....bed shaking.....lovemaking. WHEW! But in this case, I have my walls up. I don't really know why...other than the fact that several years ago this man hurt me terribly. At the time, I didn't know it had affected me so bad.....but it did. We've spoken of it. And this go round, there is potential for additional hurt: for example....he demands secrecy. We can totally have an all night sex marathon.....where we are both totally exhausted.... Yet, he doesn't want his family to know about us.....or his friends to know. So I have to ask....why do I have to be such a "dirty little secret." I deserve much better. So, he's out.

There are also the countless crushes I have had. These are the hotties that I have had tremendous crushes on. They have no clue. Some of my friends have encouraged me to go after them. To lay my cards all on the table and to make myself vulnerable. But, I'm just not in the mood to make myself that vulnerable.

So, I just sit.....and ponder.....and wish....... Wish that some of these men who are "so busy" would stop being so. Or those married guys would grow some balls and bust the closet door off their hinges.....and come after me!

Or those who are having such great sex with me would be honest and say what's on their mind...... Not be so secretive.

I just wish sometimes there were some more role models out there to compare myself to. Or some sort of mile marker or gauges that would tell me what the steps in gay male dating are. Or...how to know if the other guy is truly interested in me more than a quick romp in the hay.

I think I am doomed to be the perpetual best friend.....always the bridesmaid and never the bride.

So these are the things I am thinking about on this very early Thursday morning in Washington, DC.

More Closure

2010-08-03T07:50:00.003-05:00

Sitting at my desk and getting ready to run to an important 9am meeting, but I feel the burning need to write.

Although I am full of nervous apprehension at what lies ahead with my parents' medical conditions: dad is doing well...but his mind appears to be going down the tubes....mother's cancer is back and the tumor and lymph node have increased in size over the last two months, I am filled with a strange calmness and sense that everything is going to be alright.

Another opportunity for closure happened yesterday. I got to spend the entire day with Mom O'Lovey. She lives just down the street from me....and I keep in close touch with her. Over the past five years, she and I have forged a very close and loving relationship. So, if she needs anything, I do my best to provide it and such was the case yesterday. She needed me to help her run a few errands and it wound up taking the entire day.

It gave me some valuable one-on-one time with her that I don't normally get. We talked about everything under the sun...including all of her duaghters....and my divorce....etc.

I shared with her that I had a conversatin with Lovey last week that brought me some closure. I also told her some of the things we discussed and how hurt I had been by some of her actions including that awful series of emails from early on last year that basically told me I was persona non grata. As I had suspected, Mom did not know any of this...and she had wondered why we had seemed so distant. In fact, it appeared that Lovey did what Lovey has always done...painted me as that awful old "good for nothing" ex-husband that made her life hell. Yesterday, the door opened for Mom to see it all from another side.

She cried and apologized to me.

The purpose of my opening up and sharing stuff with her was not a play to get her "on my side"...but it gave me a chance to clear the air and to bring yet another level of closure to my life as God continues to move in my life.

I am definitely feeling much, much better about things in general....and these pesky little items in particular.

We'll see what happens moving forward.

And Finally....Closure

2010-08-02T00:52:00.002-05:00

It's very early on Sunday morning. I'm very thankful that I don't have to go to work in the morning. I am planning a relatively slow-paced day...and doing some chores and paying the bills.

If you have read a lot of this blog, you know that a lot of my issues have centered around my ex-wife, Lovey. I've groaned and moaned. I've felt anger....I've felt hostility....I've felt betrayal......I've felt bitterness....I've even felt a sprig of hatred towards her -- all for some very basic issues.

* Her outting of me when it wasn't necessary to her attorney at the end of the divorce process.
* Her outting me to everyone she could think of in order to make herself look good.
* Her accusations that I have turned my parents against her.
* Her using me to help her with her ordination submission and then not bothering to invite me to the festivities.
* Her greediness.
* Her downplaying of anything good that I brought to the marriage and to her.

Oh...I could list a lot more.

As this blog shows...it has been quite a journey. Lots of depressing things happening.....Lots of loneliness.....Lots of room to feel sorry for myself.

And I haven't been getting better from it. Some of this stuff has been festering for quite sometime.

I really don't feel the need to go into all the gory details. Suffice it all to say that I have expended way too much energy and time dwelling on this situation...and allowing old wounds to fester....and to ooze.... Sorry to say, when wounds like this and open and fester and ooze....they only increase the amount of pain suffered by the owner and actually serve no good purpose.

About three months ago, a dear friend of mine, who was a former lady minister, needed a place to stay....and I offered the spare room at the house I share with my daughter. While she was here, she and I got to talk a lot about the things in our lives that were holding us back for closer communion with God.

I spoke honestly and directly about Lovey and the many things that had been festering in my life....and she said, "Frank, you need to pray for grace for this individual."

"But I don't want grace for that individual."

"Frank," she said. "Pray it anyway and pray it repeatedly. Pray that God will give you the grace to let it go...and to get rid of the hatred and bitterness."

"But I don't want to let it go....I'm angry....and I'm bitter.....and it's all their fault.....and I want them to know it."

"Frank," she said again. "You really need to let God soften your heart. If you don't, you could miss the blessings waiting in store for you. You may miss out on the leading of the Spirit. Trust me, and pray for this individual every day...even when you don't feel like it."

So, that very night I began praying.

I've done so every night for the last three months.

My prayer went something like this: "God, you know how I am feeling about so and so. You know the hurt I have felt....the rejection I have experienced.....the emotional pain and suffering I have experienced. I ask right now that you will bless so and so. Please give them the grace they need to function. Bless them...and use them in your work. Help me to let my issues go. Help me to be a better believer that can be used for your service."

This week I realized how much those prayers were working. Out of the blue, Lovey called me. She was friendly.

Had she actually consented to that lobotomy I had often hoped she would have? Or had I merely forgotten the alimony check? Or had I done something wrong? Or was she calling to chew me out for something I neglected?

No...she said she was lonely in her church parsonage there in the midst of nowhere. (My daughter was out for the evening.)

We reminisced about the olden days.....I told her that I was having fun running my Facebook page.....and keeping in touch with all my friends. She paused and said, "Frank, would you like to be my friend on Facebook again?"

I paused and said, "No. Not if it is going to end like the last time. I am done with all that."

She was taken aback and I was amazed at how direct I spoke to her. No tears welled up in me as it had previously. I numbed to the pain of the separation and the divorce.

We continued our discussion.

A door opened and I marched through it. I told her that I had hoped we could forge a close friendship with all of our history. But that I seriously felt at times this was impossible....given her sudden outbursts. I finally asked...."While I have you hear...there is something I need to know. After all that we had been through as a couple, and all the stuff I did to help you realize your dream of ordination, why did you not see fit to invite me to your actual ordination? "

And this is how I addressed each issue that had been festering within me for so long--point by point....issue by issue.

She cried. I did not.

She tried to blame her attorney and everything else.

But I did not cry....I was matter of fact and probed deeper.

Finally, she almost cried UNCLE. She actually acknowledged that she was wrong and that even though the gay issue was something to be dealt with.....had she been paying attention, she would not have sought divorce. She said that she had been distracted with her studies and her quest for ordination. She was afraid of what people would think about her if they ever found out that she was married to a gay man.

She had regrets.

She wishes she had someone in her life to grow old with.

In the kindest way possible, I told her "Lovey, you had all that. I was willing to be that person. So, wherever you go or whatever you do, there is one thing I always want you to remember: yes I was as gay as a goose. It was not your fault.....it had nothing to do with you. It is how I am wired. But in spite of all that, I loved you. Oh, I may have not had sexual desire for you....but the love was very real and very deep. I dare say...that no matter who you may meet....you will never find another man that loves you more than what I did."

It felt so good to let all those feelings out....and to say them clearly.....without sobs....without tears....but in just a matter of fact way.

Finally, I can say the weight of the world has been taken off my shoulders. These thoughts needed to be expressed to the source of my pain. And I did that.

Today I feel as though God is beginning to do something in my life. I am expectant...and cannot wait to see it all fall into place.

I think I understand what a visiting preacher told me "in the spirit" last June a year ago. She said, "Frank, God wants you to know that He is creating a new life for you. He wants to give you the desires of your heart. If you knew all that was in store for you, honey, it would blow your mind! But, even though God is at work in your life to create something new....some of the old is determined to haunt your new life. This will hold you back."

I think I now understand what she meant. I am waiting and watching.

Finally, this significant chapter in my life is now closed.

I've Got To Do Something....

2010-07-27T12:44:00.003-05:00

With all the things that have been swirling around and through my life over the last little while...I need a FUN vacation -- time just for me.

So I am trying to conjure up a trip. Maybe Myrtle Beach....or maybe Rehoboth Beach....or maybe Wildwood/Cape May.....or even Williamsburg and the Tidewater areas of VA!

My only problem is I am not wild about the prospect of going ALONE.

BUT, I will if I have to.

I need this.

I am edgy.

I am hyper.

I'm stressed.

Y'all...send some positive thoughts/prayers this direction.

I Must Be Clairvoyant!

2010-07-25T23:18:00.002-05:00

All the stuff that I said about my son in my last post was on target.

Plain and simple.

He actually came home the morning of his scheduled flight to say that he had called the airline to find out the status of his flight. They said it was cancelled due to mechanical problems and that he would not be able to get out until the next day. He also had some 30 year old woman with him. (He is 24.)

This was AFTER I had spent 4 hours waiting for him -- 4 hours of leave that I could have held onto. Then he said that his flight left at 7:30 the next morning.

I was flabbergasted because I was being roped into driviing him to BWI (an hour away) so that he would be at the airport by 5:30-6:00. This meant that I had to be on the road at 4:30!

The sad part about all this is that when I got to my office on the original day he was supposed to leave, I looked up his flight....and it had left ontime.....and had arrived at its destination on time.

Did he think I was THAT stupid?

That evening I came home and blasted him. He got into his yelling mode....and I told him to shut up. I said that he was now an adult....and why did he feel it necessary to lie to me? "I didn't want you to yell at me for missing the flight!" he responded.

Still a kid.

It is all about him.

I told him that yes, I was angry that he felt he had to spin a yarn as he had in high school...when we are all adults. He's a marine for friggin sakes. He made me burn through leave that I am hoarding because I don't know what's going to happen with my parents.

He also lost the parking sticker that I gave him for the car he was driving during the time he was here. That's a $50 loss!

He always is wacky like this when he spends a lot of time with his mother and her family....and they put him down....

Like they all did this trip.

It angers me.

Frustrations of Being the Father to an Impulsive Son

2010-07-22T05:31:00.002-05:00

My Marine Sargeant son is still a handful...even at 24. I am told by those who know about such things that boys are fully mature emotionally and mentally at about the age of 25. I certainly can't wait for that to happen. I've been awaiting this moment for many, many years now.

Our relationship has always ebbed and flowed. We adopted him in 1991 when he was five years old. He already had faced a lifetime of trauma and rejection by then, including something that manifested itself as psychosocial dwarfism. This is what happens when a child misses all of the milestones in early development because of psychological trauma. Because of these issues, the growth shuts down and the child becomes stunted physically.

In our case, we got him in the nick of time. And at that moment.....on the growth charts, he went through a spurt. He virtually caught up over the course of his first year.

Emotionally it has been an uphill battle. Sometimes are good....sometimes are bad. When I came out to him at the age of 16 or so, it was bad. VERY bad....and that was thanks to Lovey -- the victim. She always knew what was best about my issue. But it has exacted a toll....a heavy one that I hope he can outgrow!

So, when he comes for a visit, I never know what to expect. Except that if he has a lot of dealings with Lovey and/or her family, he really behaves erratically.

Sorry to say, this trip has been Lovey-centered....and I am forced to face the fallout. He has spent an inordinate time with his friends here...staying out at all hours....and not communicating what is happening. Last night, I was disappointed that he would not be spending the last few hours in town were not with me. But, I knew this would happen.

He wants me to drive him to BWI Airport this morning to catch is 12:15 flight, but it will probably end up badly. He will probably have one of his friends drive him....and I will have taken time off for nothing.

But I'm doing what I feel dads must do.....you make sure you're available.

Just in case.

Second Banana Syndrome

2010-07-21T05:01:00.002-05:00

I have a case of the blues this morning. It's not helping for this to be such a gloomy and rainy looking day.

Not sure where all this came from.

It's probably from the fact that I had another one of those "Frank" moments on Monday. I spent time with a good friend who lives about 100 miles from me. He's going through a divorce. He's quite younger than me. Then he told me all about his hookups...and how he just can't get enough.

I could relate...

It's called "gay adolescence."

He's going through the exciting period of coming out and discovering himself...and the world of male sex.

He has also met "the love of his life."

That's all he talked about.

His "love" was at work....is 29...about 14 years younger. He kept texting him back and forth. "Wonder if he is thinking of me..." he said incessantly.

Ah...new love.

It's exhillarating.....it makes your heart beat faster.....It's wondrous....

It has been a very long time since Frank has felt this way with someone who felt that way back and it is all catching up with me.

Monday night I met up with a "crush". He wanted to have dinner with me before he left on vacation for Florida. He's the guy that kissed me at gay pride...full on the mouth....in front of his wife....told me that he wanted to spend more time with me.....blah...blah.

We met for dinner...with his wife! She wants to get to know me better. He's making plans for me to see his new house upon their return on August 1. But we go through many periods of non communicating.....he reads my FACEBOOK page....he knows the distance between my house and his new one.....he likes my pictures.....they asked me tons of questions....etc.

But I am beginning to feel that "second banana syndrome." I feel like the perpetual best friend....always the bridesmaid never a bride.

What am I doing wrong?

What a Weekend!

2010-07-20T18:40:00.002-05:00

Well, the weekend is all over. It was filled with quite a lot of stuff... I had all three kids at home with me.. On Saturday morning they did their long lost tradition of waking me up on Saturday morning and climbing into my quee sized bed. There we planned the rest of the day....and simply had a blast.

The girls cooked a splendid breakfast. They actually spoiled the old guy here. Then we all loaded up and headed to shop at Target. Lovey joined us...and I kept a respectful distance, but y'all will be pleased to know that I was very kind and pleasant to her.

From there we headed home for a brief nap...and then headed out to where the birthday celebration was to be. It was interesting to be a part of this family gathering and to watch the drama unfold. Lovey and her sisters staid true-to-form by being in control of everything and driving folks crazy in the process. One of Lovey's sisters is viewed as simply crazy. She drinks...pops pills....and wrecks cars. On top of this, her husband (who I suspect is part of my family), has supposedly hit her on occasion out of frustration.

This is the gossip...

But I'm not sure of the truth.

Drunk sister purchased her mother an Apple NANO....and a SONY boombox for it to play in. The only problem is that Grandma has no computer or an ITunes account to manage the content. So all this fancy stuff is just a waste...and Grandma didn't need or want it. Drunk sister overruled her family and bought it for her anyway.

This is keeping with the fine O'Lovey tradition of when buy presents for people....do get what they want....but always get what you want them to have. I always hated that.

Sunday morning we all went to Grandma's church....and it was stressful for me. It was filled with all those church people I have posted about. The ones that view me as one step below a dung beetles feast. But they honored Lovey...and the fact that she was blessing them with her presence.

We then spent some of the afternoon at Grandma's...and then I had to take one of my daughters to Baltimore to catch her flight back home to Nashville.

It was amazing at all the comments and digs that I heard while sitting as a guest. I'm sure it all troubles Grandma...but what can we do? It's clear that there is serious dysfunction in the family....but as I have said...I always try to put the FUN in dysFUNctional living!