Happy New Year — Almost

Well.   After a year and a half from the point of my bowing to do a much better job of writing, I’m back.  Not quite sure if any of you are still there to read my ramblings, but here goes. 

Had quite the cancer scare after my last post here.   Was told I had liver cancer as shown by a super tiny lesion on said organ.  Had a super doctor who made it go away.   So on each regular scan since, all is well.    My donated kidney keeps humming along.   So I feel unusually blessed.  

As a gay man, I can honestly say that I am out to all my friends and the family in WV.  Yup. That’s a big story.  As you may remember I am an only child.   My parents are deceased.  The only family I have are remaining extended family in WV.   Since coming out all I have received is silence.    Even when I was in the hospital with kidney transplant surgery, silence.   Couldn’t even get any of them to decorate my parents’ grave once in a while not far from where they all live.   

In case you failed to get the memo, I’m now a servant of Saran now cause I’m gay.  I’ve turned my back on the Lord and similar Malarkey.  Very few of my moms family have said anything or to offer any support.  One beach though has been so wonderful.    One of my cousins there was the first person I told.   Turns out she has a gay son and there are tons of other gay relatives on that side.   They all provided unfailing support. Mom would have been proud of that group.    Dads side is much more widespread.   So his family’s support has been spotty at best.   I once owned a 1/8 interest in my grandparents 70+ acres in the middle of no where WV.   The cousins responsible for collecting and paying  the yearly tax bill dropped me from the notification list I assume be cause they are so holy and righteous they can’t deal with a gay man.   Others gave me the hate the sin love the sinner speeches or the I DONT SUPPORT YOUR LIFESTYLE CHOICE.  My favorite came from an in-law that I’ve never had a conversation with. Sh said her parents raised her to not say anything at all if she had nothing good to say. So she would be silent. 

So I was bewildered and hurt especially those who made fun of me and said under their breaths that they wished I had killed myself on one of those bad days.     And this is how people from WV really feel when they tell you how much they love you. 

NO THANK YOU. 

So I’ve been working to quietly extricate myself from those ties. 

How you might ask?

First, I had my parents moved from the awful place they were in and moved to a cemetery only 1 mile from my front door.  

Second, I GAVE my interest in the family farm to a relative for nothing.  It meant nothing to me. It’s value is nil.   The minerals have been siphoned off.   Liability is too much of. A headache and it is another tie to back there I’m not willing to maintain. 

Third, my parents home is being totally renovated for sale.   I had kept it as a rental property but when the two long term tenants died of Covid in 2020 I decided I don’t want it any more.   Hopefully it will be sold in the coming year for a good price.  

This leaves my Florida property in Hawthorne FL.   I plan to donate it for a tax write off. 

So then I am Wv free!!

Dave and I are still together.    It’s a good life. 

The One Who Got Away -The Next Chapter

I've decided to provide some more information about a gentleman who has reappeared in my life.  

We've known each other for at least 7 or so years.  He and I originally became acquainted online.  I was recovering from my parents' death and peripheral issues.  But we started conversing and there was something indeed very special about him that I could sense.  Over time, he provided contact information and asked to keep in touch.  

At the time, I was so consumed by all my drama, that I failed to do that right away and lost his information.  We also lost track of each other.  Sadly, I always viewed him as the "one that got away."  I long regretted not pursuing him.

So about two months ago, he surfaced again!  I could not believe my eyes.  This time I reach out to him and started to chatting.  He remembered me!  Hurdle number one was crossed.  

Once again he provided all of his contact information.  This time I gladly kept safe and began writing and texting him.   I had not told him of my feelings and decided to play it cool that is until one of our conversations in mid-June took a dark turn.  He mentioned that he was considering suicide because he was a man who couldn't seem to get his life together...and that being gay on top of it was just too much.

It caused a knee jerk reaction in me...and I spilled the beans.  It seemed like an eternity for him to respond to my message.  I thought...WOW...why would this man who is out of my league on so many levels ever be interested in the likes of me??  

When he responded, whatever I said to him must have really struck a chord.  He said, "No one has ever said anything like that to me before."  Well, he didn't say go away.  LOL.

Since that time, we're almost at two months and counting.  Something is definitely happening to us both.  I have feelings that I've not really had before.  We're communicating daily.   I like how I'm feeling.  Our telephone conversations are marathons.  AND how they fly by!   We write.  We text.  We call.  COVID has limited any other contact.  That is probably a blessing....because we're getting to know each other in a deeply personal and intimate way before anything physical occurs.

I'm hopeful.

Send me some positive vibes people!

Intimacy

Now I'm going to return to the main point of this blog -- being gay.   Through the years I've found it to be fun and not so fun.  

There are the drawbacks.  If you were a pleaser, as I was, before coming out broadly, I found myself fearful of what others were going to think of me.  I was sure that when my friends and family found out who I was really on the inside, they would mark me off as a pervert and I'd be alone.  

Over time, though I have learned that I have built a very strong support system of friends that I refer to as my family of choice.  They truly understand my struggles and my fears and have been with me though a a hunk of my journey which really began with the separation on June 9, 2005.   It's kind of hard to believe that it is now 15 years since that momentous evening.  The pain from the hurt of that evening stung -- very deeply.  It seemed to linger forever.  

One of the first things that I learned was that I needed to learn how to be gay -- in a measured way.  One of my friends at that time laughed at me.  Later upon reflection, he thought that was quite profound.  You see, being gay is more that sex or what position you prefer or whether you choose to fly your rainbow flag or not.  I explained to LOVEY the other day that it's more about how you see the world.  When I was "straight" it was like looking through an ancient small screen black and white TV.  You saw black and white with some shades of gray in between.

But, when you realize who you really are, and you accept yourself "lock, stock and barrel" and come to the place where you can celebrate your difference without fear or shame...well, it's like sitting down in front of an 80"" flatscreen HD tv for the first time  It's breath taking.

So I spent those early years of separation and divorce exploring the gay world....not only in sexual ways...but reading about gay history.....gay culture.....gay films....famous gay people....etc.  It was eye opening.  

Part of this journey included a search for intimacy.  Although I always equated sex with intimacy, I've come to learn that there is so much more to intimacy than taking your clothes off for another person and getting down to business.  

I want the kind of relationship with a man that is sexual of course   I want to feel what it's like to fall asleep in his arms or he in mine and then, in the morning awaken to find him there by my side, excited about starting another day together.  I want a man to hold tightly.  When something goes wrong and I need to have an ugly cry, I can bury myself in his chest and feel him comforting me.  I want a man in my life permanently.

I've dated and hooked up with a lot go men during these 15 years -- some good...some bad.  The majority of those men seem to have trouble with intimacy.  Oh they can do sex at the drop of a hat.  But if you mention anything any deeper than that they are ready to head for the hills.  It's sad actually because I believe that if you have an emotional spark or connection or chemistry -- however you wish to label it -- it makes the physical expression so much better  Is that word demisexual?

One of my friends wrote this recently about intimacy:  "While sex is important, I don't think it is where intimacy begins.  Intimacy begins with getting to know someone.  Yes, there needs to be a basic attraction or feeling of closeness with a person, but that attraction is more than sexual."

Sadly in gay life a vast majority of gay men have their "type" and refuse to waver from it.  It seems to me to be so shallow.  For a season one could be into a man that falls 100% into your type....but once the groan stops the body fluids have spurted, how is he outside of bed?  Can you talk about things?  Do you have similar hobbies and interests that will help a relationship go the distance?

Some anonymous hookups can be intensely intimate.  In that moment you can feel very close to  him--even powerfully so, but when it's over, after you've shared the most personal part of your body with him, it's amazing how quickly the wall of coldness and distance arise.  It's a lot like he's flipped a light switch, turned off, shut down, and become distant and cold after he is "done." Suddenly it becomes all business and the transaction is closed.  

This is why I hate mindless, meaningless and mechanical  sex because it makes me feel used and abandoned.  

I want intimacy from just one special person.  

 

A Much Better Day

Today was much better all the way around.  I awoke early and then headed to the County Courthouse to get copies of my divorce decree and my settlement agreement to provide to my attorney who is drawing up the paper work to get me released from the alimony portion of what is expected of me upon retirement. This will greatly help me prepare for retirement--whenever that is.

I then took all the  paperwork and the other information requested and dropped it by my attorney's office across town.  Came home, had lunch and commenced work in my home office.

As I contemplated my liver situation, I had a calm to envelope me.  So I refuse to worry about it.  I'm praying that the mysterious spot on my liver is a nodule.  I'm praying that it will go away and at a minimum it will reduce in size during this 3 months.  If not, I hope that it stays the same size and no new tumors appear.   So I am hopeful.

I've heard from a boatload of folks wishing me well and encouraging me too.  I feel very blessed indeed.

Today was a MUCH better day.

A Lot Going On

It's Thursday Night, late.  I've had one of those days that are never good.  

Since my transplant last year, I've noticed that the meds I'm on play with moods...no wonder they tell us to beware of suicidal thoughts and depression.  They've even talked about volatile mood swings and sad to say, I've seen that happen to me too.  

Thankfully I've learned to combust slowly and to talk myself down when I have to.  But there are tomes where to emerges so quickly, I don't have the opportunity to grab hold of myself and downshift.

Today that happened.

It came about in a back handed way that was totally unexpected.

I had a big medical appointment.  I felt alone....no one could go with me.  I was scared at what I would find out and wished a million times I had had someone there with me to offer moral support.    But as with most things, I found myself negotiating the information I received as best as I could.  I walked out to my car and wept.  

It was not a pretty cry.  In the words of Oprah Winfrey, it was an "ugly cry."

The news I received was this.  This particular consultation was with a LIVER surgeon.  Its purpose was to figure out next steps after the surprising diagnosis I received about three weeks ago.  

I found out that i have a 50/50 chance of cancer.  They can't biopsy the lesion because they would picture the wall that keeps the tumor intact and if it is cancerous, that action would stop my chances for having a transplant.  It would release the cancer and then we'd have a mess.

They could zap the lesion and destroy it, BUT my cirrhosis could cause a decrease in liver function....requiring a transplant -- which by the way means death to the liver recipient after 12 months in 15% of cases due to complications.

I finally decided to tae a wait and see approach.  My lesion is at 1. cm.  It could just be a nodule and nothing more.  I want to be reevaluated in October with scans, blood work and an analysis of my liver working

So this is all so scary.  

I ran and grabbed lunch...then drove home to get online and do a virtual presentation with a group of about 25 high school interns at my agency.  I sailed onto the session did my thing.  

Afterwards, I got a real bad comment from a coworker....and I exploded.  I overreacted.  I pitched a real fit.  Totally unlike me.  I signed off abruptly.  Left my desk and went to my bathroom and had another ugly cry and sat down in the floor and tried to get myself together.  I was shaking.  I was a mess.  

Meanwhile, I started getting phone calls from friends and family.  So rather than stay off the grid.  I dried my tears....put my best foot forward, and answered all the questions about how the visit went.    I then heard from my advocate who private a lot of encouragement.  Her name is Danielle, and she gave lots of good medical info that helped to feel better.

Its amazing, because with my transplant, and now the liver issues, I feel so much like damaged goods.  Although I've been searching for a special someone for a long time, I find myself wanting to run to the fact that because I feel damaged, the next logical question is "Who in the world wants damaged goods?"

Silly I know, but about a month and a half ago, I met a man wh seemed interested in me, but when he found out that I had a transplant, with tastefully appointed scar, and a concern about the liver, he said that "he would have to take a pass."  

Brutal, huh?

So as the afternoon progressed, I had calmed down.  I told my colleague about all that I was going through...and I apologized for my overreaction.  I felt lower than low.   But after a long discussion with him, we made it good....  

He also apologized.  

So as I prepare for bedtime, I'm more upbeat.  I feel that I have made the right choice.  So I refuse to let this bring me down.  I'm going to remain positive  

I want to live long and happy.

On another topic, my ex-wife, LOVEY (remember her?) sent me an email message last night that came from left field.  She told me that she did not want me to continue to pay alimony once I retire.  She said she would be totally happy with the portion of the retirement annuity she demanded during our divorce 12 years ago.  So I contacted my divorce attorney, and she is willing to draw up the court documents to be signed by a judge to protect me from any possible flighty change of mind Lovey may have going forward. So I plan to get this off and running tomorrow morning.   We'll see.

So I'm in a mellow place at the moment.  I'm not afraid and I trod on.  

"The One Who Got Away"

So in the midst of the storms of my health concerns, today was a great day.  COVID-19 has forced me to telework since March 12.  Due to my immune suppression, I'm a prime target, and therefore I have no set day to return to my office setting.  So, I'm blessed because my office has provided me all the equipment I need to be able to work totally from home.  I have my laptop from the office.  I have a set of dual monitors like I have at my offie and a docking station that hooks it all together.

Additionally, I have fast internet service and am able to carry on just as if I'm right there in my office at 400 7th Street, SW in Washington DC.

While working, it seems that I am far busier hear at thehouse than I am at the office.  I'm having constant meetings via SKYPE FOR BUSINESS or ZOOM or WEBEX.  Occasionally I'll get FACETIME Calls on my cellphone from friends and family.  Depending on what I'm doing, i have tons of things that keep me more than gainfully employed.

I still really relish the work I do.  It keeps me focused and I don't have time to think on my worries.

I worry about the liver.  Yesterday I received a package of information from Georgetown Medical and it was all Transplant related.  I really don't relish going through that red tape again.  You get poked, prodded, pilfered, inspected, scanned, biopsied, and God knows what else.  It will take about 6 months to be listed, then I can accept a transplant preferably from a living donor.    My insurance will cover everything for the donor.  They will receive all testing, treatment, sagery, hospitalization a no charge.  My insurance will cover them and me.  I am so thankful that I have good health insurance.

The big meeting takes place on July 1, 2020.  So I will definitely keep you posted.

Today was also a good day in that I got to spend some significant time on the telephone with the guy that I mentioned in the last post.  He is such a good man and he has helped to restore my thoughts of my fellow gay men.  

He is someone that I met virtually circa 2012.  This was in direct aftermath following the loss of my parents and the liquidation of their estate.  One day we struck up a conversation when I was going through a series of bad days related to their deaths.  I really was in a bad way.  But he was kind to talk me down and to offer to help in any way he could.  He gave me his email address.  His cellphone number and said that I should contact him and wanted to get to know me better.    But, I was not in the frame of mind to ever take him up on that.  As luck would have it, I lost all that valuable contact information.  Always viewed him as the one that got away.  The group we had been part of fell on hard times and I never heard from him again.  I thought of him a number of times...and just shook my head.  Yup, he definitely got away.

Fast forward to early June 2020.  One night my email pinged and I received an email from the old group!  It had returned on a new more friendly platoform than its old one.    So I joined.  There I found a lot of the old gang, but in the back of my mind, I wondered where "the one that got away" was.  I did not dare ask about him, because I wanted to keep my feelings secret at all costs.  

About three days later, he popped up!  I couldn't believe it.  I was afraid.  What if he had changed.  What if he was not interested in me.  What if he had forgotten me.  A million questions fluttered across my mind.  Still I reached out.

His response was somewhat lukewarm.  I was hurt, but I didn't let on and I just thought, "Well at least I can enjoy his friendship and watch his journey from afar...and being the man of faith I am, I would leave it to God."  

One afternoon we were chatting online.  In one portion of that conversation, the door opened for me to say something.  I leveled with him.  Told him that I viewed him as "The One Who Got Away." It amazed him. He was pleasantly shocked.  

Since then, he and I have grown closer.  We've shared stories from our youth, our hopes and dreams

It a good relationship/friendship.  There's a lot of things we must navigate...so I'm leaving it in God's hands.  My new friend has many decisions to make and I'm in no pace to dictate.  I know how I want things to work out.  But I can't say it to him.  That would place undue pressure on him.  

So this could turn into a wonderful relationship  with potential to take me to the end of my life.  OR it could all evaporate in a flash due to the obstacles. 

God knows.  At least I've reconnected with "The One That Got Away."

July 1, 2020

July 1, 2020 is going to be my big day.  That's the date that is set for my marathon meeting of the entire liver transplant team at Georgetown University Hospital in Washington, DC.  It will be held via ZOOM.  Both my daughters who are currently in Nashville TN will also be on the call as well.  Modern technology is so wonderful during this Pandemic.  I'm thankful that they will be there to ask their myriad of questions.

To be honest, I am a bit frightened by all this.  Primarily because I feel very much in the dark about the future.  Whether I really have cancer or not?  Is it curable if I do?  Can it metastasize? What are my options?  Do I have to have a transplant?  And the list goes on and on and on...

So I have decided to take it a day and a time.  Enjoy the experience of feeling well.  And then when I receive news to worry about, i can then begin to worry.  But not today.

One ray of sunshine today, I got my test results back from my bloodwork from yesterday.  The liver enzymes have dropped a bit.  One number is at the highest part of normal.  The other is still over, but it has dropped some 30 points.  So that's good.  

But then we have the lesion still to deal with.

I wonder if they can remove the lesion...but then how do they know that the cancer isn't still lurking deep within the liver?  See I can go into all the negatives quite quickly.  So I need to stop.

Life is about to get good I believe.  I have a man in my life that I have truly flipped over.  But there are lots of hurdles to cross, decisions to make, and my health issues to overcome.  Not sure how this will play out...but all I know it feels awfully good to have a man in my life that has great potential to be something strong and steady in my life....and hopefully he feels the same way about me.  He's very reserved and protective of himself.  I totally get it.  We talk everyday.  We text every day.  

Just knowing he's there...and thinking about me....does work wonders.

More later.