Still Standing

So having ridden quite a roller coaster during the previous 12 months, I am happy to report that I am alive and well -- even though I've experienced joys of the mountain top experience of love, and now I'm smack dab in the middle of the valley of what could be sadness and despair at having lost him.

I spent this entire week focused on my duties as a dad in Nashville TN, overseeing all the odds and ends of wedding preparation for my youngest daughter and writing the checks that needed to be written, since I'm the Father of the Bride.

While there, my phone continually vibrated with interested men in the area who wrote me via the various phone apps that I have on my phone to meet other gay men. Although a part of me really wanted to connect with someone....and have a time where I could feel wanted for a few moments, I didn't act on it. I did have some great conversations with some really nice guys who all said they wished I lived there. They all said that they are looking for the same things I'm looking for and that I appeared to fit the bill. At least that is what they said. But we all know how that goes. Online, one can become overpowered with hormonal lust and you're liable to say anything in order to crawl into bed and do the deed.

After Stan, I've sadly grown cynical. I don't trust anything that is said to me in such moments. All I can say is that based on the positive feedback I received, apparently I'm not ready for the rest home just yet.

So now I'm trying to decide what I'm going to do. Am I going to continue looking for a mate...or should I just hang it all up and take advantage of a mindless, meaningless, mechanical hook up when needs warrant it? Right now I am just focusing on my grandson, who returns to his mommy this weekend. I'm going to be staying at Great Wolf Lodge in Williamsburg Thursday and Friday nights. Then head to Roanoke Rapids, NC on Saturday to drop off the little guy.

Then it is back home to get ready for church on Sunday and work on Monday.

And Summer is almost over....

What a Week

I spent the week in Nashville, TN preparing for the marriage of my baby girl this past Saturday. It was quite an affair at an estate in Brentwood. I had my checkbook and took care of the bills. Now it's just a memory...but the wonderful memories we made! WOW!

As a single gay man, I got a bit melancholy during the ceremony and the reception. Not only was I an emotional wreck because of giving my daughter away....but, I had planned to have Stan with me during all the festivities. It was going to be my "coming out" so to speak...because I would be with the man I loved -- we would be very low key, yet make a statement. You know?

I thought of the millions of things we could have been doing to prepare for my daughter's day. Playing with the grandson in the pool....shopping....touring Nashville....etc...etc...

But in typical Frank fashion...it just didn't happen.

Operation Catchup

Sorry to paint my life as such a bleak and dark mess based on the break up with Stan. Although at the time of my February Post he had dumped me. He had begged me to take him back....and after a period of weighing all things and despite his assurances that he would never do that to many again...including dumping me via text -- he did.

Probably the worst part of this is not only the emotional hurt, but it was also the circumstances surrounding it. Who meets up with someone on a phone app...barely knows them....and MARRIES them? Stan did. So, I wish him well....and I'm sick about feeling so crappy about it. I think more than anything, I'm dealing with hurt pride. I mean I was finally flying high with this guy....and wham....

Here I am.

WOW.

So there are some other things to update you all on. Mom O'Lovey passed away on March 27 -- Easter, her favorite holiday. She battled her lung cancer valiantly and final succumbed. It was painful to watch her deteriorate...and more importantly, it was even worse to say goodbye to her. She was the glue that held the O'Lovey's together.

Her house is now for sale...and under contract. Lots of drama about the sale of that house....won't go into it here...but hopefully in the next month or so, the property will pass into other hands. Whenever I leave my house...if I drive into DC, I pass by her house and it just feels so sad to know that Grandma is no longer there. If I need to go into Annandale or Fairfax or something, I pass by her grave. It's awful to know that her remains are there.

I just can't seem to get away from my grief.

In the early days of this blog, I was so resentful of that family....and hurt...because I felt so left out. I had so much anger and bitterness with Lovey...I could barely see straight. But as time has healed the wounds, and I have recovered from that awful period....Mom O'Lovey remained faithful and steadfast in her love and support of me. In fact, she said one time to me, "Well just because my daughter was silly enough to divorce you, it does not mean the rest of us have to divorce you too! I still consider you as a part of my family...and for however long I am here, you're in the family!"

And I was.

Tomorrow I fly to Music City USA, Nashville, TN. You see my youngest twin daughter is getting married on Saturday. I've blown what feels like a fortune on it. We're having 130 some guests. It's going to be at a mansion in Tammy Wynette's neighborhood. I've secured the services of a videographer who will use drones to do flyovers, weather permitting.

I'll be there with Lovey, all my children, my grandson, and all of Lovey's sisters....and the newest members of y family, the groom's family. They've been told that I'm gay....and from what I hear, they are fascinated with me. I've been ordered to keep the rainbow colored moo-moo at home. LOL.

How I'd hoped to share the day with a man who I thought was my long awaited beloved. But, alas, I'll be alone.

So I fly out tomorrow and will enjoy myself and use it as a moment to being all over...and put Stan to rest.

UPDATE

Again, another lengthy period of time since my last post. This morning I received a wonderful letter from a person who just found my blog and said that a number of my posts resonated with him since he is going through a messy divorce and dealing with similar issued I went through back in the early days of this blog. So, that made me realize that it has been forever since I last wrote to you.

You deserve an update. So hear it is. Since it would take forever to write down every detail, here is the condensed version.

My last entry was about a painful breakup with my boyfriend of three months. It was painful...but he came back to me and begged me to take him back. After a couple of weeks, I told him I would take him back, but that if anything like this happened again, it would be over totally. So we began again....and it was awesome....it was wonderful...and I was thinking this guy is the one.

We spent my birthday weekend together. Simply awesome. He spent PRIDE weekend with me and helped me to man my church's booth at Capital Pride. He was excited and happy to be there with me....and again it was awesome. He flew home on June 13. All seemed fine. I later learned from him that he hooked up with someone from one of those silly phone apps...and the guy pursued him. My guy developed "feelings" for this man...and they got married on June 24!

Yes, married.

To each other!

And Frank was literally kicked to the curb. So he then called to say he was not happy. He had made a mistake, etc. I told him to work it out with his new husband. That I was not going to be the "other woman." I was not his consolation prize....his plan B. I am no homewrecker.

I advised therapy -- so had other friends of his.

So they have now been married just over a month. I'm still devastated. I really don't know what to do. I'm dealing with a new generation of ghosts that have me stalled in my hopes of ever finding a man to love me. I'm haunted by trust issues... In the back of my mind, I wonder what his new husband has after one day....that I didn't have for seven months?

I have cried and cried and CRIED.

I am embarrassed. I had introduced him to several of my friends. After all this time...I finally thought I had stumbled upon the ONE.

Once again....

FIZZLE.

I review my inventory. I'm not a bad looking man. I'm older - 58....but far from dead. I'm successful. I have tons of friends and tons of interests. I'm intelligent. I'm articulate. Im a bit old fashioned in that I want to be in a monogamous relationship...however...with my history....I'm not sure how I really feel about this. After all, since I have had the experiences I've had...I've not had much experience in having a "closed" relationship. But honestly, for the right man, I'm willing to give it a try...because deep down, when I find the right man, I don't want to do anything to water down the specialness of that relationship in any way.

I want someone to grow older with. I want someone to spoil. Someone to spend time with. Someone to make love to regularly. (I'm tired of the mechanical sex without feelings. Apparently I don't lack in that area. I reactivated my dating apps...updated my profile pic....and WHAM...I've heard from over 100 men worldwide vying for my attention and affection -- from one app alone.)

I'm shell shocked. I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm crushed beyond words.

So, bottom line is that yours truly is now back on the market. I am hoping to meet one special man.

Where is he?

Unexpected Heartbreak

Well, over the past three months, I have been flying high -- perhaps too high. This was because of the man who lit up my life in such a big way. Stan is his name and he lives not far from my hometown.

We have had some super rambunctious times together. We said that we were different and would make the long distance thing work. After all, he had one previously that had lasted a long time and the distance was far greater.

We sent cards....letters in long hand....emails.....texts....and then made arrangements to meet up regularly for a nice weekend together.

Everything was super fine!

I sent him long stemmed roses for Valentine's Day. He sent me roses too.

On Sunday he sent a new picture of himself to me. Told me how much he loved me.

Then yesterday morning -- the holiday -- he sent the text we all hate to hear....."I can't do this anymore. I need someone local.....I need and want more...."

Really....

In a text?

I'm pretty devastated...and don't know what to do. It hurts....probably worse than anything I had ever experienced with Lovey.

So, back at square 1.

This is so hard.

I Believe In Ghosts!

I believe in Ghosts!

Oh I'm not going to use this as a doctoral dissertation in the metaphysical mysteries that occur in day-to-day life. But I am using this as a discussion of things in the past that come to haunt the present. These pesky ghosts distort the past, can rob you of your presence in the now, and even derail one's future.

Some would label these as the leftovers of toxic relationships or events.

I shy away from the word TOXIC. I don't like it and associate that with far more serious issues.

Oh, I'm not saying that these ghosts can't be serious. But I just can't put them into the same realm as toxicity: poison....life threatening crud.

So, as I have lived my life and kept this blog -- nearly 10 years -- I've had my share of ghosts. It seems like just as I get rid of one set of them, another set rises up to take their place. It's frustrating. But I keep moving forward.

Such is the case in my life now.

You see, I have had such a rotten track record when it comes to relationships. My first got killed. My second ended after 26 years (Lovey). MY third was a man I care for over the span of 12 years. Then there was Steven for all of three months. Now I have the man who I refer to as the "Baby Gay -- BG" in my life.

He is the first man I've ever had in my life who is TOTALLY free to be involved in a relationship. He's not married and trying to live a gay life in the shadows. I'm not married. I'm finally comfortable being who I am. I've wanted to have someone in my life to love forever. And now I have one who has made it clear that he loves me and wants it for the long haul....

So this has given rise to my latest infestation of ghosts.

Ghosts of Fear....am I good enough?

Ghosts of Failure....um...my track record sucks big time....how do I know this will work?

Ghosts of Past Sexual Escapades with other men that I thought were the ones. Am I really monogamous?

Ghosts of Being Needy. Is this only because he is expressing deep interest and I'm vulnerable.

Ghosts of Trust. Is he for real?

These all make for quite a nest of 'em. I'm sure there are tons of others. But I'm working to exorcise them. I'm trying to relax...and enjoy each day as it comes.

I spent this entire New Year's Weekend with BG. It was even more powerful than the one in Myrtle Beach.

Today I'm missing him desperately. I get misty when I think of him.

I hope he is the one....we will see.