I've decided to provide some more information about a gentleman who has reappeared in my life.
We've known each other for at least 7 or so years. He and I originally became acquainted online. I was recovering from my parents' death and peripheral issues. But we started conversing and there was something indeed very special about him that I could sense. Over time, he provided contact information and asked to keep in touch.
At the time, I was so consumed by all my drama, that I failed to do that right away and lost his information. We also lost track of each other. Sadly, I always viewed him as the "one that got away." I long regretted not pursuing him.
So about two months ago, he surfaced again! I could not believe my eyes. This time I reach out to him and started to chatting. He remembered me! Hurdle number one was crossed.
Once again he provided all of his contact information. This time I gladly kept safe and began writing and texting him. I had not told him of my feelings and decided to play it cool that is until one of our conversations in mid-June took a dark turn. He mentioned that he was considering suicide because he was a man who couldn't seem to get his life together...and that being gay on top of it was just too much.
It caused a knee jerk reaction in me...and I spilled the beans. It seemed like an eternity for him to respond to my message. I thought...WOW...why would this man who is out of my league on so many levels ever be interested in the likes of me??
When he responded, whatever I said to him must have really struck a chord. He said, "No one has ever said anything like that to me before." Well, he didn't say go away. LOL.
Since that time, we're almost at two months and counting. Something is definitely happening to us both. I have feelings that I've not really had before. We're communicating daily. I like how I'm feeling. Our telephone conversations are marathons. AND how they fly by! We write. We text. We call. COVID has limited any other contact. That is probably a blessing....because we're getting to know each other in a deeply personal and intimate way before anything physical occurs.
Now I'm going to return to the main point of this blog -- being gay. Through the years I've found it to be fun and not so fun.
There are the drawbacks. If you were a pleaser, as I was, before coming out broadly, I found myself fearful of what others were going to think of me. I was sure that when my friends and family found out who I was really on the inside, they would mark me off as a pervert and I'd be alone.
Over time, though I have learned that I have built a very strong support system of friends that I refer to as my family of choice. They truly understand my struggles and my fears and have been with me though a a hunk of my journey which really began with the separation on June 9, 2005. It's kind of hard to believe that it is now 15 years since that momentous evening. The pain from the hurt of that evening stung -- very deeply. It seemed to linger forever.
One of the first things that I learned was that I needed to learn how to be gay -- in a measured way. One of my friends at that time laughed at me. Later upon reflection, he thought that was quite profound. You see, being gay is more that sex or what position you prefer or whether you choose to fly your rainbow flag or not. I explained to LOVEY the other day that it's more about how you see the world. When I was "straight" it was like looking through an ancient small screen black and white TV. You saw black and white with some shades of gray in between.
But, when you realize who you really are, and you accept yourself "lock, stock and barrel" and come to the place where you can celebrate your difference without fear or shame...well, it's like sitting down in front of an 80"" flatscreen HD tv for the first time It's breath taking.
So I spent those early years of separation and divorce exploring the gay world....not only in sexual ways...but reading about gay history.....gay culture.....gay films....famous gay people....etc. It was eye opening.
Part of this journey included a search for intimacy. Although I always equated sex with intimacy, I've come to learn that there is so much more to intimacy than taking your clothes off for another person and getting down to business.
I want the kind of relationship with a man that is sexual of course I want to feel what it's like to fall asleep in his arms or he in mine and then, in the morning awaken to find him there by my side, excited about starting another day together. I want a man to hold tightly. When something goes wrong and I need to have an ugly cry, I can bury myself in his chest and feel him comforting me. I want a man in my life permanently.
I've dated and hooked up with a lot go men during these 15 years -- some good...some bad. The majority of those men seem to have trouble with intimacy. Oh they can do sex at the drop of a hat. But if you mention anything any deeper than that they are ready to head for the hills. It's sad actually because I believe that if you have an emotional spark or connection or chemistry -- however you wish to label it -- it makes the physical expression so much better Is that word demisexual?
One of my friends wrote this recently about intimacy: "While sex is important, I don't think it is where intimacy begins. Intimacy begins with getting to know someone. Yes, there needs to be a basic attraction or feeling of closeness with a person, but that attraction is more than sexual."
Sadly in gay life a vast majority of gay men have their "type" and refuse to waver from it. It seems to me to be so shallow. For a season one could be into a man that falls 100% into your type....but once the groan stops the body fluids have spurted, how is he outside of bed? Can you talk about things? Do you have similar hobbies and interests that will help a relationship go the distance?
Some anonymous hookups can be intensely intimate. In that moment you can feel very close to him--even powerfully so, but when it's over, after you've shared the most personal part of your body with him, it's amazing how quickly the wall of coldness and distance arise. It's a lot like he's flipped a light switch, turned off, shut down, and become distant and cold after he is "done." Suddenly it becomes all business and the transaction is closed.
This is why I hate mindless, meaningless and mechanical sex because it makes me feel used and abandoned.
Today was much better all the way around. I awoke early and then headed to the County Courthouse to get copies of my divorce decree and my settlement agreement to provide to my attorney who is drawing up the paper work to get me released from the alimony portion of what is expected of me upon retirement. This will greatly help me prepare for retirement--whenever that is.
I then took all the paperwork and the other information requested and dropped it by my attorney's office across town. Came home, had lunch and commenced work in my home office.
As I contemplated my liver situation, I had a calm to envelope me. So I refuse to worry about it. I'm praying that the mysterious spot on my liver is a nodule. I'm praying that it will go away and at a minimum it will reduce in size during this 3 months. If not, I hope that it stays the same size and no new tumors appear. So I am hopeful.
I've heard from a boatload of folks wishing me well and encouraging me too. I feel very blessed indeed.
It's Thursday Night, late. I've had one of those days that are never good.
Since my transplant last year, I've noticed that the meds I'm on play with moods...no wonder they tell us to beware of suicidal thoughts and depression. They've even talked about volatile mood swings and sad to say, I've seen that happen to me too.
Thankfully I've learned to combust slowly and to talk myself down when I have to. But there are tomes where to emerges so quickly, I don't have the opportunity to grab hold of myself and downshift.
Today that happened.
It came about in a back handed way that was totally unexpected.
I had a big medical appointment. I felt alone....no one could go with me. I was scared at what I would find out and wished a million times I had had someone there with me to offer moral support. But as with most things, I found myself negotiating the information I received as best as I could. I walked out to my car and wept.
It was not a pretty cry. In the words of Oprah Winfrey, it was an "ugly cry."
The news I received was this. This particular consultation was with a LIVER surgeon. Its purpose was to figure out next steps after the surprising diagnosis I received about three weeks ago.
I found out that i have a 50/50 chance of cancer. They can't biopsy the lesion because they would picture the wall that keeps the tumor intact and if it is cancerous, that action would stop my chances for having a transplant. It would release the cancer and then we'd have a mess.
They could zap the lesion and destroy it, BUT my cirrhosis could cause a decrease in liver function....requiring a transplant -- which by the way means death to the liver recipient after 12 months in 15% of cases due to complications.
I finally decided to tae a wait and see approach. My lesion is at 1. cm. It could just be a nodule and nothing more. I want to be reevaluated in October with scans, blood work and an analysis of my liver working
So this is all so scary.
I ran and grabbed lunch...then drove home to get online and do a virtual presentation with a group of about 25 high school interns at my agency. I sailed onto the session did my thing.
Afterwards, I got a real bad comment from a coworker....and I exploded. I overreacted. I pitched a real fit. Totally unlike me. I signed off abruptly. Left my desk and went to my bathroom and had another ugly cry and sat down in the floor and tried to get myself together. I was shaking. I was a mess.
Meanwhile, I started getting phone calls from friends and family. So rather than stay off the grid. I dried my tears....put my best foot forward, and answered all the questions about how the visit went. I then heard from my advocate who private a lot of encouragement. Her name is Danielle, and she gave lots of good medical info that helped to feel better.
Its amazing, because with my transplant, and now the liver issues, I feel so much like damaged goods. Although I've been searching for a special someone for a long time, I find myself wanting to run to the fact that because I feel damaged, the next logical question is "Who in the world wants damaged goods?"
Silly I know, but about a month and a half ago, I met a man wh seemed interested in me, but when he found out that I had a transplant, with tastefully appointed scar, and a concern about the liver, he said that "he would have to take a pass."
Brutal, huh?
So as the afternoon progressed, I had calmed down. I told my colleague about all that I was going through...and I apologized for my overreaction. I felt lower than low. But after a long discussion with him, we made it good....
He also apologized.
So as I prepare for bedtime, I'm more upbeat. I feel that I have made the right choice. So I refuse to let this bring me down. I'm going to remain positive
I want to live long and happy.
On another topic, my ex-wife, LOVEY (remember her?) sent me an email message last night that came from left field. She told me that she did not want me to continue to pay alimony once I retire. She said she would be totally happy with the portion of the retirement annuity she demanded during our divorce 12 years ago. So I contacted my divorce attorney, and she is willing to draw up the court documents to be signed by a judge to protect me from any possible flighty change of mind Lovey may have going forward. So I plan to get this off and running tomorrow morning. We'll see.
So I'm in a mellow place at the moment. I'm not afraid and I trod on.
So in the midst of the storms of my health concerns, today was a great day. COVID-19 has forced me to telework since March 12. Due to my immune suppression, I'm a prime target, and therefore I have no set day to return to my office setting. So, I'm blessed because my office has provided me all the equipment I need to be able to work totally from home. I have my laptop from the office. I have a set of dual monitors like I have at my offie and a docking station that hooks it all together.
Additionally, I have fast internet service and am able to carry on just as if I'm right there in my office at 400 7th Street, SW in Washington DC.
While working, it seems that I am far busier hear at thehouse than I am at the office. I'm having constant meetings via SKYPE FOR BUSINESS or ZOOM or WEBEX. Occasionally I'll get FACETIME Calls on my cellphone from friends and family. Depending on what I'm doing, i have tons of things that keep me more than gainfully employed.
I still really relish the work I do. It keeps me focused and I don't have time to think on my worries.
I worry about the liver. Yesterday I received a package of information from Georgetown Medical and it was all Transplant related. I really don't relish going through that red tape again. You get poked, prodded, pilfered, inspected, scanned, biopsied, and God knows what else. It will take about 6 months to be listed, then I can accept a transplant preferably from a living donor. My insurance will cover everything for the donor. They will receive all testing, treatment, sagery, hospitalization a no charge. My insurance will cover them and me. I am so thankful that I have good health insurance.
The big meeting takes place on July 1, 2020. So I will definitely keep you posted.
Today was also a good day in that I got to spend some significant time on the telephone with the guy that I mentioned in the last post. He is such a good man and he has helped to restore my thoughts of my fellow gay men.
He is someone that I met virtually circa 2012. This was in direct aftermath following the loss of my parents and the liquidation of their estate. One day we struck up a conversation when I was going through a series of bad days related to their deaths. I really was in a bad way. But he was kind to talk me down and to offer to help in any way he could. He gave me his email address. His cellphone number and said that I should contact him and wanted to get to know me better. But, I was not in the frame of mind to ever take him up on that. As luck would have it, I lost all that valuable contact information. Always viewed him as the one that got away. The group we had been part of fell on hard times and I never heard from him again. I thought of him a number of times...and just shook my head. Yup, he definitely got away.
Fast forward to early June 2020. One night my email pinged and I received an email from the old group! It had returned on a new more friendly platoform than its old one. So I joined. There I found a lot of the old gang, but in the back of my mind, I wondered where "the one that got away" was. I did not dare ask about him, because I wanted to keep my feelings secret at all costs.
About three days later, he popped up! I couldn't believe it. I was afraid. What if he had changed. What if he was not interested in me. What if he had forgotten me. A million questions fluttered across my mind. Still I reached out.
His response was somewhat lukewarm. I was hurt, but I didn't let on and I just thought, "Well at least I can enjoy his friendship and watch his journey from afar...and being the man of faith I am, I would leave it to God."
One afternoon we were chatting online. In one portion of that conversation, the door opened for me to say something. I leveled with him. Told him that I viewed him as "The One Who Got Away." It amazed him. He was pleasantly shocked.
Since then, he and I have grown closer. We've shared stories from our youth, our hopes and dreams
It a good relationship/friendship. There's a lot of things we must navigate...so I'm leaving it in God's hands. My new friend has many decisions to make and I'm in no pace to dictate. I know how I want things to work out. But I can't say it to him. That would place undue pressure on him.
So this could turn into a wonderful relationship with potential to take me to the end of my life. OR it could all evaporate in a flash due to the obstacles.
God knows. At least I've reconnected with "The One That Got Away."
July 1, 2020 is going to be my big day. That's the date that is set for my marathon meeting of the entire liver transplant team at Georgetown University Hospital in Washington, DC. It will be held via ZOOM. Both my daughters who are currently in Nashville TN will also be on the call as well. Modern technology is so wonderful during this Pandemic. I'm thankful that they will be there to ask their myriad of questions.
To be honest, I am a bit frightened by all this. Primarily because I feel very much in the dark about the future. Whether I really have cancer or not? Is it curable if I do? Can it metastasize? What are my options? Do I have to have a transplant? And the list goes on and on and on...
So I have decided to take it a day and a time. Enjoy the experience of feeling well. And then when I receive news to worry about, i can then begin to worry. But not today.
One ray of sunshine today, I got my test results back from my bloodwork from yesterday. The liver enzymes have dropped a bit. One number is at the highest part of normal. The other is still over, but it has dropped some 30 points. So that's good.
But then we have the lesion still to deal with.
I wonder if they can remove the lesion...but then how do they know that the cancer isn't still lurking deep within the liver? See I can go into all the negatives quite quickly. So I need to stop.
Life is about to get good I believe. I have a man in my life that I have truly flipped over. But there are lots of hurdles to cross, decisions to make, and my health issues to overcome. Not sure how this will play out...but all I know it feels awfully good to have a man in my life that has great potential to be something strong and steady in my life....and hopefully he feels the same way about me. He's very reserved and protective of himself. I totally get it. We talk everyday. We text every day.
Just knowing he's there...and thinking about me....does work wonders.
Today is the first anniversary of my receiving my kidney, but yesterday was a frightening day. I had just started coming to terms with the possible liver cancer, when my telephone rang mid-afternoon.
It was my kidney transplant coordinator. I got a lecture from her about not returning her calls. I showed no missed calls from her. It appears that perhaps my spam call software blocked the calls and they never registered -- I have since ditched the software
After we got that settled, my biopsy on my kidney shows signs of rejection!
EEK. I freaked out!
She ran down this long list of everything I had to do medicine wise. These included: going back to an anti rejection med that caused extreme bone aches. Taking 40 mg Prednisone this week...30mg next week, 20 mg the following week, and then 10 thereafter. I was then put on 20mg of lasix to elimate retention of fluid. Finally I needed to contact my endocrinologist to see what adjustments I should take to counter the increase of glucose in my system due to the prednisone and how I should adjust my insulin. the endocrinologist scheduled me for a 5:30 appt, but then their internet service crashed. It was rescheduled for 6:30....but she never showed!
so I rushed to the pharmacy got the prednisone. I had oodles of the old immune suppressants drug already.
I called the coordinator back. This time some of the shock had worn off and I was over my panic attack. She explained that my recent biopsy revealed the rejection. But that while we didn't want this to continue, it did not mean I was in danger of losing my kidney. It just flagged the need to make adjustments to my meds. So that made things a lot better for me. So I'm on day two of the change in meds. I feel great. Everyone says that I'm looking great. I feel great....no symptoms of liver problems or kidney issues.
WHEW!
So keep me in your thoughts and prayers as we journey on.
After 14 years of this blog and with it's new beginning I thought I would give it a facelift Hope you like it.
It has been quite a busy day here. Today was my day off but sadly, since I've been working from home totally since March 12, 2019, I find myself looking in on the office and the email flow and related things. No wonder I feel so stressed out. I can't seem to get any alone time.
My eldest twin, Jessica, is currently visiting her younger (by 30 seconds) sister in Nashville, TN. Laura and her husband were married in 2016. They just welcomed their first child on May 19 and of course, I can't travel due to the virus. So she went down -- she drove and will be there until next weekend. She and her sister are keeping me entertained with FaceTime visits and so I get to see the grandson as he grows. It's really quite cool!
I'm doing okay. Georgetown Hospital called me today to fill me in on what the plan is about the liver. The nurse said that she was awaiting faxes of my records to them. Once her doctors and surgeons had an opportunity for a look see, they will come up with a treatment plan. We will then have a ZOOM meeting to discuss and I can ask all the questions I need to.
Talking with the nurse today did make me feel better. She said that having a transplant is not the only treatment available, but the surgeon would determine that once they figured out a strategy. As suspected, getting a liver is easier than getting a kidney. The wait time is generally 6-12 months. The donor's liver will regenerate. And if I understood correctly, the portion of the liver that is introduced into my body will also regenerate. So that's good news.
So I wait
Keep praying for me you all I'm a fighter...so I don't plan to give up on this fight!
I promise to get back to subject more related to the gay thing soon. Just bear with me as I deal with this current issue.
I've been hearing from people. I'm sorry that I lost so many readers. Hopefully they will come back..
So this is Frank....after all these years. I'm still standing after all the drama I've lived and experienced , I'm here. Happy to be alive. Ready to experience love and to be with one man until either one of us moves to the next plain to await the arrival of the other. This journey at times has been so discouraging. As you can see if you have spent tie in my blog, I have been smitten by some really gorgeous hunks. Likewise you have seen those to blow up into my face with great fanfare. In one case I gave space to Chris, the man I was sure was "the one". He even wrote in his own words that I was his one.
Well we saw how all that worked out. He definitely was not as he had billed himself. My kids staged an intervention on that one and told me that he was not the one. They knew well before my lightbulb went off in my head.
After that relationship blew into smithereens, his former partner contacted me to say this was not any of my fault...that this is how he operated. That was quite an interesting conversation I had with him. All the stuff Chris had said about him had been inaccurate --SURPRISE! SURPRISE!
He was only one of many sad disappointments. one had been incarcerated on a felony, another one ran off with my then best friend, still another decided to have an anonymous hookup, only running out the door the next morning to marry him.
I've certainly experienced the agony and the ecstasy of gay life -- for sure.
Physically I've never taken very good care of myself. At least not until I got the wake up call that the kidneys were crap. I was assured that I would go on dialysis for a minimum of 7 years -- until I could get a cadaver kidney. But I beat all the odds and received a kidney from a living donor on the day that my regular kidneys failed completely. God's timing is perfect
Since June 21, 2019 I have made my physical health and eating habits a 1000% priority. I've lost a ton of weight. My kidney continues to work at optimum levels. I feel well. All is good --except for this little problem with my liver.
Actually talked to my doctor today and found out that the radiologists said in their report that what I have appears to be cancerous. Yup, kind of took the wind out of my sails too. The doctor said that although this is a small lesion (1.5cm), it's worrisome. It was not there 2 years ago when they checked me from stem to stern to get me added to the transplant list. He said though that "we would get through this." So it was a little hard for me to understand what that comment meant. Did he mean that his medical team would get through it? Did he mean he and I would get through it? Did he mean that I'm gonna die?. After all...that would be getting through it.
I'm taking a faith based approach here. We're all gonna get though this with flying colors.
Back home when people would be sick from cancer, my church would request prayer for healing. All the kind folks would pray and pray and pray. Two weeks later, when the sick person did die, the church folks would praise God because brother so and so would say.....that the sick person had finally received their perfect healing had gone onto their reward!
I asked the good doctor what the treatment options are...he responded that it would be a Liver Transplant. Can you believe this? Another transplant? The good thing is that livers regenerate not like kidneys.
So hear I am about to celebrate my first kidneyversary -- only to look FORWARD TO a future liverversary.
So it's Thursday. It's a gloomy, rainy and misty day here. And I'm down.
Why?
Well, things are going relatively well for me. I'm approaching the first anniversary of my donated kidney. I've had all the testing done and the doctors all say that the kidney is humming along. All my numbers are where they should be. So that's a good sign.
But....last week during all my monthly blood tests I was told that my liver enzymes are slightly elevated. They rose during the last 30 days and my hematologist ordered a CT Scan with and without contrast. He also requested a battery of tests.
Yesterday afternoon I got a call that made me uneasy....and to be honest...downright frightened. The voice on the other end of the telephone told me that i have a small lesion on my liver. As in small its perhaps 1 centimeter or less. They want me to have a biopsy and another series of MRIs. With that said, the person on the other end of the phone said that it could be cancer.
When I heard cancer, inside my heart fell. My mind raced and I thought "So, this is how its going to end, Liver Cancer!" I remembered the horrors that both my parents faced as they battled lung cancer. I again checked off all the things in my bucket list as MOOT. And of all things....I'm just now getting back to my old self following the transplant and had been looking forward to attacking that bucket list with a vengeance but then we got COVID.
So I'm sitting here in the darkness, as the world is waking up to a gloomy Thursday, that is rainy and misty contemplating my mortality. Alone. My daughter who lives with me is visiting her sister in Nashville and the newest addition to our family -- 4 weeks old day before yesterday. I feel like I want to run away and hide.
It's Memorial Day in the midst of COVID! I'm going a bit stir crazy. I miss the physical presence of my friends. My family. And dating.
Although I return a week ago with mighty expectations, my computer never posted anything I wrote. So I've made some adjustments and it loos like it is now working. We'll see.
I was away several years due to poor health. In fact, I thought I was on the verge of leaving this planet. Thankfully, I did not leave permanently -- just was a bit sidetracked. Thankfully I'm here, but I realize now that I have approximately 4 years of catching up to do to let you know what has been happening during my absence. I have much to tell, so I'll try to take it all in chunks going forward. So please bear with me. It's been quite a journey. I also need to look back to see what I have written previously.
I hope my little audience has not left me. If you're still there, I encourage you to write me. If there are any questions, don't hesitate to ask.
One piece of important news at this writing. My youngest twin daughter gave birth to her first child on May 19. This little bundle is my latest grandson. They named him Theo. He is cute as a button. This makes number four. I have three other grandchildren, 2 boys and a girl, all courtesy of my son. Of those, I've only been able to stay connected to 1. He is the son that had with his wife. The other two are from the same other mother, a former girlfriend, but due to the fact they she and my son have a contentious relationship, I've not been able to have any relationship with them. I don't get pictures or status updates or anything. She get child support from my son....he doesn't get any updates or pictures either. So I grieve their loss. But there is nothing I can really do.
It has been a very long time since I last wrote anything. I apologize for leaving you hanging. So, if you're still here, I'm back and rarin' to go.
As you will remember, 2017 was a traumatic time for me...and to be brutally honest with you, I was not doing too well. I had some emotional setbacks (remember Chris?)and then my health took a turn and not for the best. It was so bad in fact that I was not sure that I would be around much longer. You see, I was diagnosed with Stage 5 Kidney Failure. Over 2017, 2018 and 2019 I watched my kidneys going through a period of long decline. Dialysis was in my future and I was dreading it. I had heard many stories about it and I was totally frightened and discouraged. As the end of that period came, my mind grew quite foggy. My energy levels were nil. I not only felt bad, but I was depressed and feeling totally discouraged. Although I continued to work, I spent a great deal of my time sleeping... and going to work.
Thankfully, I was listed on the transplant register. On a whim I put an update on my Facebook page and said, if you are interested in being living donor, here's who you need to call or email. All expenses will be made by my insurance and I left it at that.
Well, as God worked it out, one of my dear friends put herself into the testing process and BOOM....she wound up being a total match! We had the surgery on June 21, 2019 and I have my life back. I'm healthy as a horse and at this writing, I've been cleared to begin working out slowly. Now the COVID-19 is frightening to me. I've been teleworking since March 12. I'm hunkered down with my daughter in my house. When my office opens I've already been approved to continue to telework when the pandemic is over.
