"The One Who Got Away"

So in the midst of the storms of my health concerns, today was a great day.  COVID-19 has forced me to telework since March 12.  Due to my immune suppression, I'm a prime target, and therefore I have no set day to return to my office setting.  So, I'm blessed because my office has provided me all the equipment I need to be able to work totally from home.  I have my laptop from the office.  I have a set of dual monitors like I have at my offie and a docking station that hooks it all together.

Additionally, I have fast internet service and am able to carry on just as if I'm right there in my office at 400 7th Street, SW in Washington DC.

While working, it seems that I am far busier hear at thehouse than I am at the office.  I'm having constant meetings via SKYPE FOR BUSINESS or ZOOM or WEBEX.  Occasionally I'll get FACETIME Calls on my cellphone from friends and family.  Depending on what I'm doing, i have tons of things that keep me more than gainfully employed.

I still really relish the work I do.  It keeps me focused and I don't have time to think on my worries.

I worry about the liver.  Yesterday I received a package of information from Georgetown Medical and it was all Transplant related.  I really don't relish going through that red tape again.  You get poked, prodded, pilfered, inspected, scanned, biopsied, and God knows what else.  It will take about 6 months to be listed, then I can accept a transplant preferably from a living donor.    My insurance will cover everything for the donor.  They will receive all testing, treatment, sagery, hospitalization a no charge.  My insurance will cover them and me.  I am so thankful that I have good health insurance.

The big meeting takes place on July 1, 2020.  So I will definitely keep you posted.

Today was also a good day in that I got to spend some significant time on the telephone with the guy that I mentioned in the last post.  He is such a good man and he has helped to restore my thoughts of my fellow gay men.  

He is someone that I met virtually circa 2012.  This was in direct aftermath following the loss of my parents and the liquidation of their estate.  One day we struck up a conversation when I was going through a series of bad days related to their deaths.  I really was in a bad way.  But he was kind to talk me down and to offer to help in any way he could.  He gave me his email address.  His cellphone number and said that I should contact him and wanted to get to know me better.    But, I was not in the frame of mind to ever take him up on that.  As luck would have it, I lost all that valuable contact information.  Always viewed him as the one that got away.  The group we had been part of fell on hard times and I never heard from him again.  I thought of him a number of times...and just shook my head.  Yup, he definitely got away.

Fast forward to early June 2020.  One night my email pinged and I received an email from the old group!  It had returned on a new more friendly platoform than its old one.    So I joined.  There I found a lot of the old gang, but in the back of my mind, I wondered where "the one that got away" was.  I did not dare ask about him, because I wanted to keep my feelings secret at all costs.  

About three days later, he popped up!  I couldn't believe it.  I was afraid.  What if he had changed.  What if he was not interested in me.  What if he had forgotten me.  A million questions fluttered across my mind.  Still I reached out.

His response was somewhat lukewarm.  I was hurt, but I didn't let on and I just thought, "Well at least I can enjoy his friendship and watch his journey from afar...and being the man of faith I am, I would leave it to God."  

One afternoon we were chatting online.  In one portion of that conversation, the door opened for me to say something.  I leveled with him.  Told him that I viewed him as "The One Who Got Away." It amazed him. He was pleasantly shocked.  

Since then, he and I have grown closer.  We've shared stories from our youth, our hopes and dreams

It a good relationship/friendship.  There's a lot of things we must navigate...so I'm leaving it in God's hands.  My new friend has many decisions to make and I'm in no pace to dictate.  I know how I want things to work out.  But I can't say it to him.  That would place undue pressure on him.  

So this could turn into a wonderful relationship  with potential to take me to the end of my life.  OR it could all evaporate in a flash due to the obstacles. 

God knows.  At least I've reconnected with "The One That Got Away."

July 1, 2020

July 1, 2020 is going to be my big day.  That's the date that is set for my marathon meeting of the entire liver transplant team at Georgetown University Hospital in Washington, DC.  It will be held via ZOOM.  Both my daughters who are currently in Nashville TN will also be on the call as well.  Modern technology is so wonderful during this Pandemic.  I'm thankful that they will be there to ask their myriad of questions.

To be honest, I am a bit frightened by all this.  Primarily because I feel very much in the dark about the future.  Whether I really have cancer or not?  Is it curable if I do?  Can it metastasize? What are my options?  Do I have to have a transplant?  And the list goes on and on and on...

So I have decided to take it a day and a time.  Enjoy the experience of feeling well.  And then when I receive news to worry about, i can then begin to worry.  But not today.

One ray of sunshine today, I got my test results back from my bloodwork from yesterday.  The liver enzymes have dropped a bit.  One number is at the highest part of normal.  The other is still over, but it has dropped some 30 points.  So that's good.  

But then we have the lesion still to deal with.

I wonder if they can remove the lesion...but then how do they know that the cancer isn't still lurking deep within the liver?  See I can go into all the negatives quite quickly.  So I need to stop.

Life is about to get good I believe.  I have a man in my life that I have truly flipped over.  But there are lots of hurdles to cross, decisions to make, and my health issues to overcome.  Not sure how this will play out...but all I know it feels awfully good to have a man in my life that has great potential to be something strong and steady in my life....and hopefully he feels the same way about me.  He's very reserved and protective of himself.  I totally get it.  We talk everyday.  We text every day.  

Just knowing he's there...and thinking about me....does work wonders.

More later.  

Scare #2 -- Happy Kidneyversary

Today is the first anniversary of my receiving my kidney, but yesterday was a frightening day.  I had just started coming to terms with the possible liver cancer, when my telephone rang mid-afternoon.

It was my kidney transplant coordinator.  I got a lecture from her about not returning her calls.  I showed no missed calls from her.  It appears that perhaps my spam call software blocked the calls and they never registered -- I have since ditched the software

After we got that settled, my biopsy on my kidney shows signs of rejection!

EEK.  I freaked out!

She ran down this long list of everything I had to do medicine wise.  These included:  going back to an anti rejection med that caused extreme bone aches.  Taking 40 mg Prednisone this week...30mg next week, 20 mg the following week, and then 10 thereafter.  I was then put on 20mg of lasix to elimate retention of fluid.  Finally I needed to contact my endocrinologist to see what adjustments I should take to counter the increase of glucose in my system due to the prednisone and how I should adjust my insulin.  the endocrinologist scheduled me for a 5:30 appt, but then their internet service crashed.  It was rescheduled for 6:30....but she never showed!  

so I rushed to the pharmacy got the prednisone.  I had oodles of the old immune suppressants drug already.  

I called the coordinator back.  This time some of the shock had worn off and I was over my panic attack.  She explained that my recent biopsy revealed the rejection.  But that while we didn't want this to continue,  it did not mean I was in danger of losing my kidney.  It just flagged the need to make adjustments to my meds.  So that made things a lot better for me.  So I'm on day two of the change in meds.  I feel great.  Everyone says that I'm looking great.  I feel great....no symptoms of liver problems or kidney issues.  

WHEW!

So keep me in your thoughts and prayers as we journey on.

Friday

Happy Friday All

After 14 years of this blog and with it's new beginning I thought I would give it a facelift  Hope you like it.

It has been quite a busy day here.  Today was my day off but sadly, since I've been working from home totally since March 12, 2019, I find myself looking in on the office and the email flow and related things.  No wonder I feel so stressed out.  I can't seem to get any alone time.

My eldest twin, Jessica, is currently visiting her younger (by 30 seconds) sister in Nashville, TN.  Laura and her husband were married in 2016.  They just welcomed their first child on May 19 and of course, I can't travel due to the virus.  So she went down -- she drove and will be there until next weekend.    She and her sister are keeping me entertained with FaceTime visits and so I get to see the grandson as he grows.  It's really quite cool!

I'm doing okay.  Georgetown Hospital called me today to fill me in on what the plan is about the liver.  The nurse said that she was awaiting faxes of my records to them.  Once her doctors and surgeons had an opportunity for a look see, they will come up with a treatment plan.   We will then have a ZOOM meeting to discuss and I can ask all the questions I need to.

Talking with the nurse today did make me feel better.  She said that having a transplant is not the only treatment available, but the surgeon would determine that once they figured out a strategy.  As suspected, getting a liver is easier than getting a kidney.  The wait time is generally 6-12 months.  The donor's liver will regenerate.  And if I understood correctly, the portion of the liver that is introduced into my body will also regenerate.    So that's good news.

So I wait

Keep praying for me you all  I'm a fighter...so I don't plan to give up on this fight!

I promise to get back to subject more related to the gay thing soon.  Just bear with me as I deal with this current issue.

I've been hearing from people.  I'm sorry that I lost so many readers.  Hopefully they will come back..

Here We Go Again!

So this is Frank....after all these years.  I'm still standing after all the drama I've lived and experienced , I'm here.  Happy to be alive.   Ready to experience love and to be with one man until either one of us moves to the next plain to await the arrival of the other.  This journey at times has been so discouraging.  As you can see if you have spent tie in my blog, I have been smitten by some really gorgeous hunks.  Likewise you have seen those to blow up into my face with great fanfare.  In one case I gave space to Chris, the man I was sure was "the one".  He even wrote in his own words that I was his one.

Well we saw how all that worked out.  He definitely was not as he had billed himself.  My kids staged an intervention on that one and told me that he was not the one.  They knew well before my lightbulb went off in my head. 

After that relationship blew into smithereens, his former partner contacted me to say this was not any of my fault...that this is how he operated.    That was quite an interesting conversation I had with him. All the stuff Chris had said about him had been inaccurate --SURPRISE!  SURPRISE!

He was only one of many sad disappointments.  one had been incarcerated on a felony, another one ran off with my then best friend, still another decided to have an anonymous hookup, only running out the door the next morning to marry him.

I've certainly experienced the agony and the ecstasy of gay life -- for sure.

Physically I've never taken very good care of myself.  At least not until I got the wake up call that the kidneys were crap.  I was assured that I would go on dialysis for a minimum of 7 years -- until I could get a cadaver kidney.   But I beat all the odds and received a kidney from a living donor on the day that my regular kidneys failed completely.  God's timing is perfect

Since June 21, 2019 I have made my physical health and eating habits a 1000% priority.  I've lost a ton of weight.  My kidney continues to work at optimum levels.  I feel well.  All is good --except for this little problem with my liver.

Actually talked to my doctor today and found out that the radiologists said in their report that what I have appears to be cancerous.  Yup, kind of took the wind out of my sails too.  The doctor said that although this is a small lesion (1.5cm), it's worrisome.  It was not there 2 years ago when they checked me from stem to stern to get me added to the transplant list.  He said though that "we would get through this."  So it was a little hard for me to understand what that comment meant.  Did he mean that his medical team would get through it?  Did he mean he and I would get through it?  Did he mean that I'm gonna die?. After all...that would be getting through it. 

I'm taking a faith based approach here.  We're all gonna get though this with flying colors.  

Back home when people would be sick from cancer, my church would request prayer for healing.  All the kind folks would pray and pray and pray.  Two weeks later, when the sick person did die, the church folks would praise God because brother so and so would say.....that the sick person had finally received their perfect healing had gone onto their reward!

I asked the good doctor what the treatment options are...he responded that it would be a Liver Transplant.  Can you believe this?  Another transplant?  The good thing is that livers regenerate not like kidneys.

So hear I am about to celebrate my first kidneyversary -- only to look FORWARD TO a future liverversary.

I can do this.  

Rainy Days and Thursdays

So it's Thursday.  It's a gloomy, rainy and misty day here.   And I'm down.

Why?

Well, things are going relatively well for me.  I'm approaching the first anniversary of my donated kidney.  I've had all the testing done and the doctors all say that the kidney is humming along.  All my numbers are where they should be.  So that's a good sign.

But....last week during all my monthly blood tests I was told that my liver enzymes are slightly elevated.  They rose during the last 30 days and my hematologist ordered a CT Scan with and without contrast.  He also requested a battery of tests.  

Yesterday afternoon I got a call that made me uneasy....and to be honest...downright frightened.   The voice on the other end of the telephone told me that i have a small lesion on my liver.  As in small its perhaps 1 centimeter or less.  They want me to have a biopsy and another series of MRIs.    With that said, the person on the other end of the phone said that it could be cancer.  

When I heard cancer, inside my heart fell.  My mind raced and I thought "So, this is how its going to end, Liver Cancer!"  I remembered the horrors that both my parents faced as they battled lung cancer.  I again checked off all the things in my bucket list as MOOT.   And of all things....I'm just now getting back to my old self following the transplant and had been looking forward to attacking that bucket list with a vengeance but then we got COVID.  

So I'm sitting here in the darkness, as the world is waking up to a gloomy Thursday, that is rainy and misty contemplating my mortality.  Alone.  My daughter who lives with me is visiting her sister in Nashville and the newest addition to our family -- 4 weeks old day before yesterday.    I feel like I want to run away and hide.  

But I can't.