I've decided to provide some more information about a gentleman who has reappeared in my life.
We've known each other for at least 7 or so years. He and I originally became acquainted online. I was recovering from my parents' death and peripheral issues. But we started conversing and there was something indeed very special about him that I could sense. Over time, he provided contact information and asked to keep in touch.
At the time, I was so consumed by all my drama, that I failed to do that right away and lost his information. We also lost track of each other. Sadly, I always viewed him as the "one that got away." I long regretted not pursuing him.
So about two months ago, he surfaced again! I could not believe my eyes. This time I reach out to him and started to chatting. He remembered me! Hurdle number one was crossed.
Once again he provided all of his contact information. This time I gladly kept safe and began writing and texting him. I had not told him of my feelings and decided to play it cool that is until one of our conversations in mid-June took a dark turn. He mentioned that he was considering suicide because he was a man who couldn't seem to get his life together...and that being gay on top of it was just too much.
It caused a knee jerk reaction in me...and I spilled the beans. It seemed like an eternity for him to respond to my message. I thought...WOW...why would this man who is out of my league on so many levels ever be interested in the likes of me??
When he responded, whatever I said to him must have really struck a chord. He said, "No one has ever said anything like that to me before." Well, he didn't say go away. LOL.
Since that time, we're almost at two months and counting. Something is definitely happening to us both. I have feelings that I've not really had before. We're communicating daily. I like how I'm feeling. Our telephone conversations are marathons. AND how they fly by! We write. We text. We call. COVID has limited any other contact. That is probably a blessing....because we're getting to know each other in a deeply personal and intimate way before anything physical occurs.
Now I'm going to return to the main point of this blog -- being gay. Through the years I've found it to be fun and not so fun.
There are the drawbacks. If you were a pleaser, as I was, before coming out broadly, I found myself fearful of what others were going to think of me. I was sure that when my friends and family found out who I was really on the inside, they would mark me off as a pervert and I'd be alone.
Over time, though I have learned that I have built a very strong support system of friends that I refer to as my family of choice. They truly understand my struggles and my fears and have been with me though a a hunk of my journey which really began with the separation on June 9, 2005. It's kind of hard to believe that it is now 15 years since that momentous evening. The pain from the hurt of that evening stung -- very deeply. It seemed to linger forever.
One of the first things that I learned was that I needed to learn how to be gay -- in a measured way. One of my friends at that time laughed at me. Later upon reflection, he thought that was quite profound. You see, being gay is more that sex or what position you prefer or whether you choose to fly your rainbow flag or not. I explained to LOVEY the other day that it's more about how you see the world. When I was "straight" it was like looking through an ancient small screen black and white TV. You saw black and white with some shades of gray in between.
But, when you realize who you really are, and you accept yourself "lock, stock and barrel" and come to the place where you can celebrate your difference without fear or shame...well, it's like sitting down in front of an 80"" flatscreen HD tv for the first time It's breath taking.
So I spent those early years of separation and divorce exploring the gay world....not only in sexual ways...but reading about gay history.....gay culture.....gay films....famous gay people....etc. It was eye opening.
Part of this journey included a search for intimacy. Although I always equated sex with intimacy, I've come to learn that there is so much more to intimacy than taking your clothes off for another person and getting down to business.
I want the kind of relationship with a man that is sexual of course I want to feel what it's like to fall asleep in his arms or he in mine and then, in the morning awaken to find him there by my side, excited about starting another day together. I want a man to hold tightly. When something goes wrong and I need to have an ugly cry, I can bury myself in his chest and feel him comforting me. I want a man in my life permanently.
I've dated and hooked up with a lot go men during these 15 years -- some good...some bad. The majority of those men seem to have trouble with intimacy. Oh they can do sex at the drop of a hat. But if you mention anything any deeper than that they are ready to head for the hills. It's sad actually because I believe that if you have an emotional spark or connection or chemistry -- however you wish to label it -- it makes the physical expression so much better Is that word demisexual?
One of my friends wrote this recently about intimacy: "While sex is important, I don't think it is where intimacy begins. Intimacy begins with getting to know someone. Yes, there needs to be a basic attraction or feeling of closeness with a person, but that attraction is more than sexual."
Sadly in gay life a vast majority of gay men have their "type" and refuse to waver from it. It seems to me to be so shallow. For a season one could be into a man that falls 100% into your type....but once the groan stops the body fluids have spurted, how is he outside of bed? Can you talk about things? Do you have similar hobbies and interests that will help a relationship go the distance?
Some anonymous hookups can be intensely intimate. In that moment you can feel very close to him--even powerfully so, but when it's over, after you've shared the most personal part of your body with him, it's amazing how quickly the wall of coldness and distance arise. It's a lot like he's flipped a light switch, turned off, shut down, and become distant and cold after he is "done." Suddenly it becomes all business and the transaction is closed.
This is why I hate mindless, meaningless and mechanical sex because it makes me feel used and abandoned.
Today was much better all the way around. I awoke early and then headed to the County Courthouse to get copies of my divorce decree and my settlement agreement to provide to my attorney who is drawing up the paper work to get me released from the alimony portion of what is expected of me upon retirement. This will greatly help me prepare for retirement--whenever that is.
I then took all the paperwork and the other information requested and dropped it by my attorney's office across town. Came home, had lunch and commenced work in my home office.
As I contemplated my liver situation, I had a calm to envelope me. So I refuse to worry about it. I'm praying that the mysterious spot on my liver is a nodule. I'm praying that it will go away and at a minimum it will reduce in size during this 3 months. If not, I hope that it stays the same size and no new tumors appear. So I am hopeful.
I've heard from a boatload of folks wishing me well and encouraging me too. I feel very blessed indeed.
It's Thursday Night, late. I've had one of those days that are never good.
Since my transplant last year, I've noticed that the meds I'm on play with moods...no wonder they tell us to beware of suicidal thoughts and depression. They've even talked about volatile mood swings and sad to say, I've seen that happen to me too.
Thankfully I've learned to combust slowly and to talk myself down when I have to. But there are tomes where to emerges so quickly, I don't have the opportunity to grab hold of myself and downshift.
Today that happened.
It came about in a back handed way that was totally unexpected.
I had a big medical appointment. I felt alone....no one could go with me. I was scared at what I would find out and wished a million times I had had someone there with me to offer moral support. But as with most things, I found myself negotiating the information I received as best as I could. I walked out to my car and wept.
It was not a pretty cry. In the words of Oprah Winfrey, it was an "ugly cry."
The news I received was this. This particular consultation was with a LIVER surgeon. Its purpose was to figure out next steps after the surprising diagnosis I received about three weeks ago.
I found out that i have a 50/50 chance of cancer. They can't biopsy the lesion because they would picture the wall that keeps the tumor intact and if it is cancerous, that action would stop my chances for having a transplant. It would release the cancer and then we'd have a mess.
They could zap the lesion and destroy it, BUT my cirrhosis could cause a decrease in liver function....requiring a transplant -- which by the way means death to the liver recipient after 12 months in 15% of cases due to complications.
I finally decided to tae a wait and see approach. My lesion is at 1. cm. It could just be a nodule and nothing more. I want to be reevaluated in October with scans, blood work and an analysis of my liver working
So this is all so scary.
I ran and grabbed lunch...then drove home to get online and do a virtual presentation with a group of about 25 high school interns at my agency. I sailed onto the session did my thing.
Afterwards, I got a real bad comment from a coworker....and I exploded. I overreacted. I pitched a real fit. Totally unlike me. I signed off abruptly. Left my desk and went to my bathroom and had another ugly cry and sat down in the floor and tried to get myself together. I was shaking. I was a mess.
Meanwhile, I started getting phone calls from friends and family. So rather than stay off the grid. I dried my tears....put my best foot forward, and answered all the questions about how the visit went. I then heard from my advocate who private a lot of encouragement. Her name is Danielle, and she gave lots of good medical info that helped to feel better.
Its amazing, because with my transplant, and now the liver issues, I feel so much like damaged goods. Although I've been searching for a special someone for a long time, I find myself wanting to run to the fact that because I feel damaged, the next logical question is "Who in the world wants damaged goods?"
Silly I know, but about a month and a half ago, I met a man wh seemed interested in me, but when he found out that I had a transplant, with tastefully appointed scar, and a concern about the liver, he said that "he would have to take a pass."
Brutal, huh?
So as the afternoon progressed, I had calmed down. I told my colleague about all that I was going through...and I apologized for my overreaction. I felt lower than low. But after a long discussion with him, we made it good....
He also apologized.
So as I prepare for bedtime, I'm more upbeat. I feel that I have made the right choice. So I refuse to let this bring me down. I'm going to remain positive
I want to live long and happy.
On another topic, my ex-wife, LOVEY (remember her?) sent me an email message last night that came from left field. She told me that she did not want me to continue to pay alimony once I retire. She said she would be totally happy with the portion of the retirement annuity she demanded during our divorce 12 years ago. So I contacted my divorce attorney, and she is willing to draw up the court documents to be signed by a judge to protect me from any possible flighty change of mind Lovey may have going forward. So I plan to get this off and running tomorrow morning. We'll see.
So I'm in a mellow place at the moment. I'm not afraid and I trod on.
