News!

The doctor came into mother's hospital room early this morning.

He had news.

The results of the biopsy were in.

NO cancer! Anywhere!

Everything was clear.

"You are cancer-free!" he said. There is no need for any chemotherapy...

My mother was so relieved.

We got the news early. Something inside of me gave way. I fell into a deep dreamless sleep. God has heard my prayers. Totally.

I am so grateful.

I can breathe again.

I Must Be The Strangest Man on the Planet!

This evening I find myself DOWN.

It's probably due to exhaustion more than anything else. Yet, this feeling of deep and dark depression is very real to the point of my only wanting to bury myself in sobs.

Perhaps it's a speed bump sort of thing.

Perhaps its the fact that I'm in semi-familiar surroundings of my childhood...but they're different. Time has made significant changes.

I still have those familiar feelings of emptiness...of sadness at how my life has turned out.....in spite of all the plans I had.

I'm also accompanied by those companion feelings of total loneliness.

Here in West Virginia, I feel like the only gay man currently residing here.

It ain't pretty.

Yet, here I am....

This probably ain't a good night for separation agreements.

I want this cloud to lift.

I must be strange. Better yet, I must be the strangest man here on planet earth. I have so much to be happy about. But at the same time, I am totally swamped by feelings of total failure in love....in relationships.....professionally.....everything.

I hate this...

A Rare Moment By Myself

I am writing this in the hospital waiting room in WV. Yes, I've returned here within 48 hours of the time I left. Talk about whirlwind trips. WHEW!

#! and I had to return My Son The Marine home so that he could drive back to his base. Of course, things like this are never without some drama...and this occasion was no different. He was not pleasant in the least. He gets like this...it's probably a mixture of ADHD and the fact that he still suffers residual effects from his childhood. It really grieves me, but there is nothing that I can do, but stand firm.

#1 and I attended a wedding. It was a wonderful affair...and for a few moments, I was able to forget all my issues and have some genuine fun...including genuine laughter. Thank goodness for good friends.

Upon my return to WV today, I headed straight to the hospital as soon as possible. Mom looked great! The doctor identified the problem from the other night. It was the fact that mother needed two pints of blood. Her hemoglobin had dropped considerably. Today she was more like her old self....AND....her coloring is so much better. She has stopped smoking....and this is really helping to make her look at least 10 years younger. AH...this is the mother I know....not that alien that was here a few nights ago.

Still no word on the biopsy.

Mom is hemorrhaging.......

They have eliminated the blood thinner.....the morphine.....the drip.....and she is now working on beginning to eat some semi solid foods.

She's able to drink liquids now.

Everything appears on the upswing. I just pray that the biopsy is a good sign too.

On top of all this, Lovey finally gave me the latest separation agreement.

I just can't stir up the gumption to take a look.

Just too much is happening at once.

Maybe tomorrow.

The Waiting Game

Monday was the big day. Mom had her surgery. They removed a portion of the colon, including the tumor that coudn't be removed in the colonoscopy a month ago. The doctor also took a look around and saw that she had a tumor on her one remaining ovary left over from her hysterectomy in 1971. The surgeon says it was a fibroid tumor and was benign.

The doctor told #1 and me that from his exam, he was fairly certain that the cancer was confined to the colon. He took a biopsy from the surrounding lymph nodes, but we won't know for sure for 5 days.

So we wait.

Last night we got a phone call around midnight from mom's night nurse. She said that mom was acting disoriented and could we come over to the hospital.

So, we got into the car....and my mother was beside herself. She cursed both me and my dad out. She was very hateful to #1 and said a lot of hurtful things. #1's eyes were as big as saucer. THEN, Mom satarted seeing fog in her room.....fog coming from my leg....fog coming through the lights, everything.

The nurse and doctor said it was the morphine.

So, we finally got back to my dad's house around 6am....and we slept until almost 1pm.

At 6pm, I left WV to drive my son back to Northern Virginia in order to get back to his base....and also for #1 and I to attend a wedding tomorrow. Then, on Sunday, we return to WV...and I plan to stay until mom gets home.

It has been a very busy week.

I'm exhausted.

I'm frightened.

I feel very much alone.

The strange part is that I have been surrounded by my kids....but yet I've felt alone dealing with all this.

It also didn't help that I received a directive from Lovey.

That's for another post....another time.

The Night Before Cancer Surgery

It's Sunday Night in West Virginia.

Mom has been preparing for her surgery in the morning at 7:30. It hasn't been pleasant for her. There have been lots of talk... Talk of what is going to be done. Talk of what needs to be done. Talk of things that may happen.

It's scary stuff.

I don't know what the future holds.

I don't know how bad the cancer is. I don't know if it has spread. I don't know if it's terminal...

I don't even know if she'll survive until this time tomorrow night.

This is a nightmare...a nightmare that I can't wake up from.

My Weekend of Fear

I suppose you could say that this is my weekend of fear.

I'm so frightened by all my current drama concerning my parents, I can't begin to dscribe what it's really like.

This is silly... I know. I'm a grown man for goodness sakes. But, when it comes to my parents....and the fact that I am an only child, it doesn't take a whole lot for me to be the frightened little boy again that I thought I had outgrown.

Due to all the drama that is unfolding in my life concerning my mother, I've been offline quite a bit the last few days. Therefore, while I am aware that you have written me...I haven't had the time to focus on all the emails to my various email addresses. Please forgive me. Lovey always accused me of having a one track mind...and I believe she is correct. I'm currently on overload at the moment....and can barely think of anything other than the welfare of my mother and father.

I've not been sleeping well..... It's like I can't shut my mind off and just relax.

Night before last, I didn't get in bed until 3:30 a.m....and I was ready to go back into my office at 5:00!

Here's what I know right now:

Mother does not have to have the dreaded heart cathertization after all. Her surgeon and primary care physicians say that her heart is doings as well as it can be expected to do for a 72 yo who had quadruple bypass 13 years ago! They told her that it is imperative at this point to quit her smoking...which she is willing to do.

She is scheduled to have exploratory cancer surgery (abdominal) on Monday morning. She is expected to be in the hospital at least 7 days. They don't know how bad it is. They don't know if it has spread. They are "flying blind"...and this is the reason for the abdominal surgery.

My two daughters are there in West Virginia with her now. I will be driving there tomorrow to join them. I plan to stay there at least until Friday....but will definitely extend indefinitely if there are any crises. I pray there are none now.

Mother is very upbeat....and is confident that everything will work out just fine. I, the only child, have a host of worries -- especially the what ifs..and my dad.

However, I plan to only focus on one issue at a time....otherwise I will be overwhelmed and just shut down.

I am taking my laptop with me. However, I'm not sure just how much I will be feeling like writing.

Just know that you are in my thoughts....and I pray that my mother and my family and me all remain in yours.

I will post something when I know it.

MY Grandfather Clock

In answer to your all's queries....I've found a picture of my actual clock. It is manufactured by HOWARD MILLER. So, for your information....this is it! I love it! It's going to be a special possession for the rest of my life.

A Grandfather Clock

From a very early age, I’ve been fascinated by clocks.

My late Uncle Oscar liked clocks too, and over 40 years ago, he gave my dad an old mantle clock that needed work. I spent hours playing with that clock. It was black, and had columns. It was very stately.

I was especially fascinated by its inner workings. Even though it wasn’t in good repair, the loud ticking and it’s “striking” on the hour gave me hours of pleasure.

About 15 or 20 years ago, Dad had a neighbor who refurbished old clocks to restore that clock to its former glory. He even repainted it and added a marble top. Ever since, it has either sat in the center of my parent’s marble mantle or other places throughout the house marking the time with loud ticks and chimes. Of course, if my dad hasn’t bothered to wind it, it just sits silently as a sentinel wherever.

It’s a neat time piece.

Clocks make great presents. Throughout my married life we’ve been given clocks. But they have all been battery operated and didn’t chime.

Lovey and I received a wonderful kitchen clock as a wedding present 25 years ago. One day after about 10 years, it fell off the wall and broke into a million pieces. Prophetic don’t you think?

She performed a wedding ceremony once and the happy couple gave her a beautiful battery operated wall clock. But after about 5 years, something happened to the hands and they stopped operating. It went with Lovey to worlds unknown. So, I’ll probably never see that one again.

Then, last year, I received a very elegant, battery operated mantle clock for 25 years of service to my employer. It sits in my bedroom on my chest of drawers. It doesn’t chime. It doesn’t tick. BUT, it has given me quite a bit of pleasure.

Well, I have held the same fascination for grandfather clocks. I haven’t known much about them….but I love them. There’s something comforting about the chiming and the ticking. Something I’ve always wanted for my house.

Lovey never allowed me to purchase one.

She had a thing about money. Honestly I think in a previous life she took a vow of poverty or something. She always wanted to spend money on things like buying cows for farmers in India for Christmas.

Or…when she wanted to buy shoes or clothes, she’d go to the Salvation Army. This is a bit odd because I’ve always earned a good salary. She did too. She always wanted to "save" money. She was driven to do this. The only problem was, there was never any evidence of her savings...other than what junk she could find at the thrift shop.

If I, on the other hand purchased an electronic gadget or a CD or a DVD, I was accused of buying “every” CD or “every” DVD. Or, if I bought a new pair of slacks or a shirt or underwear....I'd hear about it.

Ah….precious memories….marital bliss. And everyone speaks of the sanctity of marriage....or is that the sanity of marriage?

So, last evening I had heard about a fancy furniture store here in the DC area going into bankruptcy. Since Lovey removed the majority of the furniture from my house, I obviously need new furniture. So I decided to look.

I wasn’t prepared to see some of these liquidation prices however. Can’t say that I have ever seen a $50,000 (after a substantial discount I might add.) dining room suite…that’s for a table, six chairs, and a china cabinet. At that price it must speak six foreign language, sing and dance and surely the table must gallop across the floor!

As I was leaving the store though, a relatively small, grandfather clock caught my eye. I could almost hear it say, “I’m homeless. You need me. Please take me home!”

I reached for the price tag, it was marked at $1300. Originally it had been at $2200.

I thought. Gee…it’s the right wood(cherry). It’s not got a lot of bells and whistles. It’s a simple clock. It has Westminster chimes. It’s something I’ve always wanted.

So, I purchased it! I didn't have to feel guilty. It didn't take an act of God or Congress or Jesus and the 12 disciples for that matter. It’s going to sit in my living room. My empty living room. That place without any other piece of furniture.

When the transaction was finalized, they took an additional $100 off the price. So in the end it cost me only $1200.

For a grandfather clock!

My grandfather clock!

Not bad!

I think I’ll have the plate that goes on the front of it, engraved to read: “Free at last! Frank’s new life has started. July 2006.”

The Pain of Memories

My head hurts.

BAD.

I woke up this morning and there it was. It has been my constant companion all day.

About 10 years ago, I was diagnosed with migraines. I see the flashing arcs of light…..noise makes them worse….and I get sick to my stomach. The neurologist said that these were all “classic symptoms.”

Lucky me!

After work I took myself out to dinner at a favorite restaurant that I like to go here in the DC area. Because it was only me, the hostess took me to a little table immediately. There I was. Enjoying my meal.

This restaurant is known for its wonderful prime rib and baked potato and salad bar. All of which I partook. As I sat there, I watched all the different people coming in and out: The waiters running to and fro with meals from the kitchen -- the other staff running around making sure that glasses were always filled to the brim with water -- the busboys fastidiously running to clear tables.

All this was taking place while people of all sizes and shapes waddled to the salad bar.

Sitting and taking all this in, I couldn’t help but remember that this had been one of Lovey’s and my favorite hangouts during our marriage. We celebrated many anniversaries and birthdays there. It was also where I brought her when we found out that we were becoming parents for the first time.

Ah…the memories.

I got home late… It was so strange coming to an empty house. #1 is in West Virginia with my parents. She took my cocker spaniel with her.

So I watched a bit of television. Went to my room…and saw an old videotape sitting on the VCR. So I popped it in (I’m notorious for not labeling my tapes.). Via the magic of video recording, I was whisked back to a church event from 2000.

I watched all 20 minutes of it.

It brought me down. I’ve changed so much.

Life was so much simpler back then.

My head is throbbing.

It's Monday

The beginning of another week....

My only hope is that it turns out to be better than last week.

Yesterday the family gathered to celebrate Mom O'Lovey's birthday. All the usual suspects were there from my wife's family. It was highly enjoyable this round because Lovey was VERY late. She had to be all ministerial and help some traveling strangers whose car had broken down, they had no money, and somehow they found Lovey. Oh well.

But a strange thing happened.

I was actually relaxed and having a good time. My son the marine came home for this event. #1 had taken off early yesterday to be with my mother this week during her battery of pre operative screenings. I don't have to be there until sometime next weekend. Originally I had planned to attend my 30th High School Reunion, but with mom and everything, I just don't think I have the energy to do that and be there for her.

At any rate, I got to enjoy my son.... I made it through dinner....and most of desert, when the doorbell rang. It was Lovey. She finally had arrived. From the moment I heard her voice, I could feel every muscle in my body begin to tighten up and the stress level increased. She had the same effect on me that scratching one's nails on a chalkboard does.

I wonder what this did to my blood pressure.

I wonder if this is why I had blood pressure problems to begin with?

I left the festivities shortly thereafter. I needed to get away. I wanted the solitude of my home.

By the time I made it home, I was exhausted and I fell into bed....and slept. I awoke refreshed after about an hour and a half.

What a strange afternoon.

Why Now?

The news keeps getting worse...

Mother had her appointment with the surgeon yesterday. He told her that because of her cardiac history (quadruple bypass in 1994), she would have to undergo a stress test and a cardiac catheterization before the cancer surgery.

She was not delighted at this prospect.

On top of this, he was unable to tell her anything about her cancer. He couldn't tell her what stage it was, whether it has spread to other organs, or how much there is to remove other than the tumor.

The tumor itself is golf ball size. Apparently there are two types of polyps one can have: one like a tree with a narrow trunk or a fatty one. She has the latter and the cancer is inside.

So many questions...

So much to worry about...

Why this?

Why now of all times?

Growing up, I always worried about my parents' health. You see, I'm an only child and I was always afraid of being left alone -- an orphan.

I'm now 48 years old and I always worry about my parents' health. I'm still an only child...and I fear being left alone.

The tests will take place during the coming week. I'd guess that the cancer surgery should occur within the next couple of weeks.

I'm not ready to let go....not yet.

My New Life Continues...

The plumbers are on their way.

#1 and I have been cleaning boxes and boxes of junk and throwing tons of stuff away.

Sent Lovey two big boxes of Christmas ornaments. She's bitching because she didn't get to help select what she wanted. How quickly she forgot that she walked out of here with some more ornaments without my looking... HMMMM....

Then, yesterday I found out something that has affected me very profoundly.

My mother called to say that she was diagnosed yesterday with colon cancer. The meeting with the surgeon is today. She's 72 and very upset with this turn of events.

Me too.

So, when does my new "happy" life begin?

A New Beginning

I had to call the plumber.

All my valiant attempts at getting my new sump pump installed have failed. The plumber tells me I did a good job, but the superstructure...the underlying drainage system was not a good one.

The former owner of my house (who was notorious for being a 'halfway handy man' and doing jobs 'halfway') had used pipes that were too small to carry the water away from the house and were easily clogged. He used caulking to connect the pipes...not cement. AND...he buried part of his work under a thick layer of concrete...hard...thick concrete.

Those pipes are clogged. The pipes are on the verge of splitting due to age....the caulking is all coming undone.

The previous owner did all this and this is why I'm now getting new carpets installed in the basement that flooded...and am having to shell out an additional $1400 to have the sump pump installed and seated properly.

And I am only at the beginning of my new life...without "Lovey."

Last night #1 and I continued or quest of cleaning the basement out of junk....so that the carpet installers can arrive Monday and lay the new carpet. I couldn't believe all the stuff I found...

Mom O'Lovey is driving to be with Lovey today for a few days. #1 and I boxed up a couple of boxes of Christmas decorations, and a box of sermon books, and notebooks crammed full of some of Loveys old....and I do mean OLD....sermons. I certainly didn't want them....#1 didn't want them. Lovey will probably not have much room for them...but hey...they are are HERS. So they are now, even as we speak....heading in her direction.

The place is looking a little emptier.....but we have a long way to go.

How I want this place to be organized and look NICE. I'm so tired of living in a pig sty.

We'll see.

Yes...new beginnings. The feelings of being overwhelmed have passed. Some friends are helping me scope out furniture.....I chose carpets.....I feel good about the selection. I'm moving forward.

But what do I do about the rest of my life?

How long is it before I cease being "on the rebound" from Lovey?

I love the guy in my life with all my heart. But, he's not available 24/7. He's married. He's got lots of responsibilities. He's not out to his adult children.

There are no guarantees that he will ever be available.

Do I wait?

Some friends have recommended that I just relax and date. They say I shouldn't just jump into another committed relationship this soon.

Okay....so how long is that?

I've been working at broadening my sphere of friends. But I have got to tell you, trying to have platonic gay friends isn't easy. I've gone onto personals sites...and responded to the ads that say things like...."I'm not looking for a relationship. Friendships are great!"

The emails are terrific. The telephone calls are great. The meetings go farely okay. Dinner....a movie......a sporting event.... All seems to go well. Then I get an email that says, "I should tell you that I am not interested in an intimate relationship; nothing sexual if that is okay with you."

I write back and say......"Woah buddy......wasn't looking for that at this point.....I was just looking for friendship."

No response. No other communication.

I want to choke them.

Am I weird for actually thinking that they only wanted friendship as stated in their ads?

This is all such new....and scary territory.

A Note To My Readers - 2

Thanks for taking the time to share your stories with me and for telling me about how my blog has helped you. It was also good to hear how you found me. The Internet is such a wonderful place. I am so glad that we have this tool.

I’m also thankful that we have each other.

It’s a tremendous comfort to know that there are so many of you out there on journeys similar to mine – some a little behind – some a little further ahead. Nonetheless we are still on the journey together.

Thank you.

If you haven’t, I encourage you to drop me a line at the.phoenix@cox.net. Let me know how you found me…and tell me what you think so far. Also, tell me your story. I’d like to know about your journey too.

I will respond to each of you who have written. Just bear with me.

Frank

A Visit With the Doctor

Went to the doctor again yesterday.

It was time for my follow-up visit.

I’m diabetic and take a whole host of potentially toxic medications for diabetes, blood pressure, cholesterol, etc. We are especially mindful of my kidneys, my liver and my heart. I did have two ear infections and a red throat.

I’m now on antibiotics.

Once again, the numbers are showing improvement. My only “problem” is the fact that my resting heart rate was rather elevated. She took an EKG and no other problems are showing other than the heart rate. So, the doctor made an adjustment to one of the meds I have been taking for many, many years, and today all seems well. I’m rather calm…the heart rate isn’t making me feel like I’m about to fall apart.

Today is the first day in a VERY long time…..that I can say I feel like the old Frank -- happy go lucky Frank….not depressed and sad Frank.

June 20 is gone. I made it!

I’m no longer feeling overwhelmed by all my decisions concerning my house.

I’m excited by the possibilities and not frightened as I was by them.

I’m in a peaceful place…

…and it’s a good place to be.

Dear Fellow Travelers (My Readers):

Well, I've been blogging away here since March. This is my 75th post.

I never knew that I could write so much or have so much stuff in me to say about my issues and my life. AND...I don't think I'm done yet. There are more stories to tell, more adventures to describe. A life that is still yet to live. Hopefully you all will continue with me on this journey.

As stated in one of those posts, I blog with several rules in mind. One of those happens to be that I will write my raw and unadulterated feelings. Sometimes I may be eloquent. Other times I may sound off the wall. I may whine. I may whimper. I may voice frustration. BUT, keep in mind that this blog has come to be a safety valve...a release. I'm able to convey thoughts, ideas, situations, that I cannot voice anywhere else. I don't want to sanitize what I have to say.

When I go back and read some of my earlier posts and compare it to where I am now, I can see some real growth. Writing has been my healing. It has helped calm me during bad times. It has made me laugh when I've conveyed some of life's more comical moments. It has even helped me to see my life from a different perspective -- especially when one of you take the time to either write to me backchannel...or post a comment.

It excites me beyond words to hear something from one of you. Some of your stories have gripped my heart. I just wish I could reach out and give each of a you a big ole bear hug. I have thought about you all in the middle of the night.

It touches me to know that I have in some small way helped you as you navigate your different paths. It really does.

I'd be curious to find out how you found me. I'd also like to know more about your story. What brought you here? What are you facing? How old are you? Where are you from? Are you out to anyone?

I'm just very curious about who you all are. I mean, I do have a site meter on my site that tells me where you're from. But, I'd really like to hear from you. Also, if you have any questions you'd like to ask me, I'd be happy to answer them here or privately. Whatever.

So, if you're up to it, drop me a line. I've created a special email box for just this purpose. The address is: The.Phoenix@cox.net
Let me here from you....and keep reading!

Frank

Life's Little Mysteries

This week my moods have been all over the charts. If you're a fan of this blog, you know.

I suppose it is to be expected. In spite of all the ups and down, I do see a vast improvement in me overall from how I was this time last year.

Last summer was Hell. Pure and simple.

I wanted to die.

It felt like my heart had been yanked from my chest and that my various appendages were only hanging on by a thread.

Yes, for all the ups and downs I've been throuh this week, my current attitude, countenance, and outlook are a vast improvement.

Now for some of life's little mysteries...

#1 and I went looking for carpet last night. The place I had originally consulted came through with their estimates.....and it was highway robbery....pure and simple....what they wanted to charge.

A friend recommended a carpet place that I visited last evening. Suffice it to say, I'm getting some really nice carpet for almost half of what I had originally been quoted at the other company. It pays to shop around.

As we were returning home, #1 told me that she had talked to Lovey's attorney, at Lovey's farewell reception two weeks ago. For the record, her attorney is a member of the church that she was on staff of....the church that I had been a member of.

#1 said the attorney approached her at Lovey's farewell reception and said, "How's your mother doing?" #1 replied, "As far as I can tell, she's fine."

"I'm worried about her," he said.

#1 said she let the comment drop...and chose not to pursue it. She feels that there are folks at that church that think she is an awful daughter...because it appears she is taking sides against her mom.

Still, I am curious about why an attorney would be concerned about Lovey.

Then, yesterday, yours truly received two calls from separate members of the church wanting to know how I am...

One of those calls was from Lovey's replacement.

The other was from the Lay Minister.

Now, keep in mind....and if you'll read the earlier entries in my blog, only a couple of people from that church have kept in close contact with me to express their love and concern.

So, why is it...now that Lovey has been gone for only one Sunday, I'm getting calls.

Hmmmmm. That JoDee Messina song that says "WHERE WERE YOU when my life was coming unglued..." comes to mind.

#1 says I need to be nice....

BUT...I really want to know where have they been this past year when I have needed someone?

Did they all make assumptions that I was doing okay simply because I didn't call THEM? Why didn't they care enough just to pick up the telephone to see for themselves?

Why now?

And when I return their calls, what should I say?

The Loss of the Albatross

Gee, I'm in a writing mood today...

I had lunch today with a dear friend.

I told him about all the mish-mash of feelings I have been experiencing since Lovey's departure.

"Why all the depression with the loss of the Albatross?" he asked. "If I were in your shoes, I'd be dancing my shoe heels off!"

Funny, I had never viewed Lovey as an albatross, but I guess in this situation, the term fits very well.

"I suppose it's because I'm in mourning," I said. "I'm mourning 24 wasted years when I could have been doing something completely different."

My friend put his sandwich down, looked deeply into my eyes and said, "And, my friend, while you are all gloomy and depressed, you're wasting perfectly good time that you could be doing something different."

THWAAAAAAACK.....

I love it when friends hit you up the side of your head like that!

He's right.

I should pick myself up....dust myself off....and get on with living. I guess it is me who is making me so miserable. After all, it's not like I want Lovey to come back to me. ...or that our marriage could ever be put back together again!

The kids are okay. Their only problem is that they believe their father is a drama queen. When I have moments of tears and I don't even know why I'm crying, they just look at me, shake their heads and roll their eyes. They, too, don't understand why their dad shouldn't be dancing for joy.

I guess I am a drama queen.

Further thoughts on today's post...

Typically I can handle things. I mean, after all, if one can deal with the gay thing, you can deal with anything. Right?

Right now, I feel swamped with decisions that need to be made. I'm somewhat perfectionistic. I want my house to be comfortable, but yet classy and tasteful. I don't want to make a poor decision in the types of furniture I get....or the colors I choose.

AND....

I've never been in a situation quite like this before.

Plus, when I'm hit from all sides with a whole lot of decisions to make, I tend to just shut down. I can't think...I can't process.

I guess this is just part of the separation/divorce adjustment. For almost 25 years, I had a helper...someone who made some decisions.... Someone I could consult with.

Now, I don't.

It's very daunting.

Overwhelmed

I feel so overwhelmed at the moment.

What kind of carpet do I need in the basement? What kind of furniture do I get in the den? Where do I put it? What kind of dining room furniture do I want? What about the living room? Do I want shelves? What do I put in the basement? Where do I locate my office? What about artwork? If I use some of my own photographs which ones do I use? How do I present them? Where will they go? How big do I print them?

There are so many decisions to make...I feel like I want to run away and hide.

I've been told by so many people that I should take it one day at a time. My boss, the guy who lost his wife and was left with two small children, told me to do this.

He and I compared notes yesterday. He says that he could certainly see the similarities. My wife is gone...his wife is gone. The only real difference is that my wife makes guest starring appearances occasionally in my life. His can't.

The mourning is the same.

The raw feelings and emotions are the same.

The profound sense of sadness is the same.

The memories of the good times are the same.

The feelings of loss and loneliness are similar.

All these feelings seem to hit me all at once...

No wonder I feel overwhelmed!

Speed Bump

Good Lord!

I thought that when Lovey moved out, I could get on with the business of living and that things would even out a bit for me emtoionally.

NOT!

Yesterday, #1 and I spent quite a bit of time trying to get things organized. We were able to throw quite a bit of junk away. We located a lot of junk that Lovey forgot. I got to shred a lot of old bills and receipts.

My bedroom is now fully organized. I have all of my clothes hanging in my closets. So far so good.

Then I get a call from Lovey, who happened to be in town visiting with her mother over the holiday...and she was anxious to see our son who she knows had been in town visiting.

Something about the phone call put me in a tailspin. I don't know what it was...but when I hung up from her I was about as low as I have ever been -- for no really good reason! #1 noticed my shift in mood...it wasn't pretty.

#1 and I were invited to spend the holiday evening with Lovey, her mom, her baby sister and husband, and my son. I almost didn't go. The funk was soooooo bad.

We went and enjoyed ourselves. I stayed very low key....and very quiet as I normally do these days. Following dessert, #1 and I decided to go to the movies and see, "The Devil Wears Prada".

By the time I got home from that movie, my mood, or whatever it was had passed. If this were a speed bump, it was a very big one -- you know the kind...the kind that takes out the bottom of your car as you pass over it.

I don't like speed bumps...and never did.

Just a Little Bummed....

I'm feeling like I can't win no matter how hard I try. I just can't.

Lovey paints her life with me the way she wants to...and she has a willing and receptive audience who believes her every word.

For instance, I heard through the grapevine that Mom O'Lovey has been saying that I should be keeping Lovey in the lifestyle to which she has grown accustomed. Further, she thinks it's awful that Lovey has to split her retirement with me because she saved more than I did.

HOGWASH.

First, there is no requirement in the Commonwealth of Virginia that says I have to keep my spouse in the lifestyle to which she has grown accustomed.

Second, Lovey, at one point, had a much more generous employer than me, who matched her contributions into her retirement, dollar for dollar. What I'm getting from her brings me up to equal footing with her accounts...and it's not split half-way. By the way, she's helping herself to 50% of my main retirement account. So, what's good for the goose is good for the gander. How come it's all right for her to do this to me....and not right for me to do a similar deed?

Hmmmmm.

Yes, I do happen to make a lot more money than Lovey. However, I'm also assuming the lion's share of all the bills.

I have a mortgage. She doesn't.
I'm paying auto insurance on three vehicles. She's only paying for her own.
I'm paying health insurance premiums for our daughters. She isn't.
I'm taking care of one daughter, home from college. She isn't.
I'm also paying for the extended year of classes for the other daughter. She isn't.

Need I go on?

The other reason that Frank, the Fag is bummed is because my son the marine, MSM, doesn't have a desire to go visit his mother. I'll probably be blamed for this because she'll say I'm turning the kids away from her.

Also, supposedly, tomorrow there is some grand family gathering at one of Lovey's Sisters' Palaces, and yours truly was not invited. Because of this, #1 refuses to attend. I heard her tell her mom that if I weren't invited, she has no desire to go. So, it's Frank the Fag's fault!

I have tried to encourage MSM's visit to his mom's...to no avail. I also told #1 that she should consider going to the family cookout tomorrow without me. After all, she's still very much a part of the family...I'm not. #1's response, "Nonsense, Dad. I think it's silly for them to just excommunicate you so quickly even though you have been in the family for nearly 25 years. Even though you're still married to Mom."

Ah yes... Still married. No separation agreement. No final divorce decree.

My Son The Marine

I've not written much about my son the marine (MSM). It's probably because he's a private person who has been through so much in his life. In light of the fact that this is the day before the Fourth of July celebrations, what better way to honor him...

We adopted MSM when he was five. He had had a very rough life his first four years. His birth father was murdered when he was 13 months old. He suffered a lifetime of abuse physically and emotionally.

He was given up for adoption when he was almost 2. He was adopted by a military family. His adoptive father was navy and not home much. His adoptive mother was the victim of abuse herself...and she abused MSM physically and emotionally...such that, by the time he had reached the age of four, he was only the size of a toddler... The size of a toddler who was 2.8 years old to be exact. He suffered from pscho-social dwarfism...which is brought on by lack of trust, and lack of feelings of love. The body just shuts down its ability to thrive and grow.

Because we knew this family...and because we knew MSM, (we had fallen in love with him when they got him) I had volunteered to take care of him while his adoptive mother had some surgery completed. She agreed and we started taking care of him.

While he was with us, he began to thrive. He began to grow! The adoptive parents thought it would be in his best interests if he became a part of our family. So, we went through the adoption process, and after we had had him for over a year, the adoption became final when he was five, almost six.

That first year he grew an astonishing 9 inches!

He didn't make it through his entire childhood unscathed. He's had some emotional problems, diagnosed with depression, and ADHD. He's also had some other problems along the way...but we've all worked very hard to help him succeed in all that he wants to do.

MSM's career in the marines was his idea. He felt he needed discipline in his life...and he needed structure. He signed up for the Marine corps and went to boot camp two weeks after he graduated from High School in 2004.

Imagine how proud we were of him when he graduated from boot camp!

Each time he comes home I see changes in him. These changes are all good.

A lot of you out there have wondered about how he has coped with the gay issue...and the fact that his parents have split.

Well, right now I detect some hostility towards his mother. He's home visiting right now, but has no desire to travel to visit her. The gay issue, while at first was a major problem for him appears no longer to be so.

He's a lot calmer now...not as hyper.

He's very affectionate with me...and thinks nothing of coming up and giving me a massive bear hug. My gaynes has made him a lot more tolerant of others. He's told me about a lot of his friends in the military, some of whom happen to be gay. He also told me about a new friend who came to visit his roommate. That friend is gay and has a partner...and MSM spent a lot of time talking to him and asking him questions about gay life.

Yes, we have come a long, long way...