Negotiations Continue

It has been a while since I last wrote, and I do apologize. It has been a very busy time at my house, and so I’ve been purely focusing on those items.

Yesterday I went to see a gastroenterologist. In view of my mother’s colon cancer, and also given the fact that a cousin of mine just died at age 36 from gastric problems, I thought that I had better go and schedule a colonoscopy. So, I went yesterday for the consult…and given my family’s history, and the fact that I have been having heartburn, they also want to do an endoscopy.

What fun!

The big day is October 5 at 7:00 a.m.

I would appreciate your positive thoughts and prayers.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, I responded to Lovey’s demands for more alimony:

Keep in mind that alimony, in our state, is primarily used for housing expenditures i.e., mortgage, rent, etc. which is particularly appropriate when the other spouse has not had a career (like being a stay at home spouse), has no educational credentials or advanced degrees and has no skills that would mean they would have to enter the job market at an older age and where career prospects are dim. While I understand your concerns about buying a home when you retire, etc., remember that you will be having social security income, your pension from the church, your pension from your law firm, your pension from your last job -- 20 years from now. All those investments will grow exponentially over the next 20 years. Further, consider the fact that your salary will continue to increase during the time that you choose to pastor. Heck, with your educational credentials alone, you could branch out and get a teaching career on top of everything else....or become an adjunct professor somewhere. Finally, your childhood home will continue to increase in value over the long term. This is like money in the bank. For example, one website sets the value at $655,404. Your gross share of that would be $163,851. A hunk of this alone would make a dandy downpayment on a house anywhere!

Given all this PLUS the settlement from your interest in our home, coupled with the fact that you'll be receiving 1/2 of my retirement, plus any cash inheritance left over from your Dad AND your Mom, I'm not sure that you really have anything to worry about in terms of security in the future. In fact, your future is a whole lot more solid than mine will ever be.

Consider this:

Were I to retire right now with 28 years of service....I could look at receiving approximately $42,000 per year.... As it is currently written in your separation agreement, you would get around $20,000 of this or more.....and if you expect me to pay the $6,000 survivor’s benefit out of that, I'm down to $14,000. Yes, I do have a house, but by the time I were to sell (I certainly couldn't keep it, I am not in a career that translates into a private sector job well…perhaps I could pick up a job at McDonalds maybe....or Wal-Mart....in any event, the house would have to go)....and pay real estate commissions, and the like, I'd clear maybe $35,000 if I'm lucky. So, even with my TSP, and my 401(k), I can probably look at a retirement of approximately $50,000 per year. (This is a whole lot to show for a career in the federal service.) So, as you can see, I'm going to be working a VERY long time. (Does this now make sense as to why, earlier in our negotiations, I offered to leave my claim against your retirement in return for your leaving my civil service retirement alone?)

Given these facts, if we were to wind up in court (and I'm not wanting to spend any more money going that route if I can help it), I think you stand to lose a lot more. $900 per month, in your town, for living expenses, may appear excessive, especially when you pay no housing costs for your primary residence OR the fact that you earn in excess of $30K plus funerals and weddings, etc.

She responded:

Frank, I have had to dip deeply into the money I received from transferring the house to your name, so that money is not certain for my future. I am not guaranteed a lot of extra money from weddings and funerals –pastors in my denomination do not ask for honoraria for doing these services for members, and I don’t have time for a side business for non-members. I am not as likely as a man to “make it to the top” of the denominational pay scale in the next 20 years, especially since 3 of those years are as a probationary member in two churches that rely on fund raisers just to meet their operating budgets. I don’t have any desire to teach as an adjunct professor (no time), and I would need to get my D.Min. degree first (a master’s degree is not enough) – which I have to pay full fare for, and that won’t be cheap! Finally, please don’t try to figure out what my inheritance will be from my Mom – I’d rather have her any day than the material gain her death might bring. She may need to sell her home at some point in order to be in an assisted living facility, and that situation could greatly reduce or even wipe out any inheritance we daughters might receive, so I cannot afford to count on that.

My final response:

Please don't think that all I'm doing is sitting back trying to calculate your inheritance and counting on your mother's demise. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER. I, like you, want her around for MANY years to come. All I was trying to do is to see beyond the current constraints....and to get you to see that you have far to go....and don't underestimate yourself. Most of all, your security should not revovle around me, your ex. I've gone about as far as I can.... BUT...lookat the various roles that women clergy have assumed in the denominational hierarchy. Don't sell yourself short. Your career prospects are much brighter than mine, and what you think.

No further discussion…