Triggers

Triggers...

I keep searching for the triggers that lead me into the blackness of sadness....of depression.

For the life of me, I can't figure it out.

Somehow today though, I was able to avert the storm that seemed to be hovering off shore... I heard the rumblings and saw the thunderheads....but the storm just never seemed to be able to move in...with full fury.

I've had a wonderful quiet day. I worked with #1 to build some shelves in her bedroom closets. We had quite a time. It was good.

I also did quite a bit of reading today. I read the McGreevy book....I also got caught up on my emails....that had been languishing in my various accounts.

I was taken by one email entry to a group of guys that I belong to that discussed how the person slept always the farthest from the bedroom door -- regardless of how the bedroom furniture was configured -- or even who the partner was at the time. It sort of made me think about my own sleeping arrangements.

Ever since the split, I've slept on "my side" which was always near the windows...away from the door...close to the telephone. I read once that you know you're over your grief when you sleep in the middle of your bed. Somehow I'm just not there yet.

I find myself having nightmares... I'm skittish about sleeping alone. For God's sake I'm almost 50 years old... A few months ago, I was almost frightened of being alone. I finally determined that this was crazy. I'm an adult man. I have my dog. I have my house. What's to be afraid of?

Still, Im learning how to sleep......alone. For years I did it.....and now it should be a piece of cake.

Yes....so much to work through....

Sunday Morning

I'm working to avert another fit of sadness.... It's out there on the horizon...and I feel it coming and I am working like mad to avert it. But the clouds are gathering and the thunder is rumbling.

It has been a good weekend. I have not had any problems dealing with the holiday. As a matter of fact, it was the holiday that helped lift me out of the mire of my last sadness episode.

It was quiet....and it was without drama.

Last Tuesday I spent some time in the presence of my attorney. She had been contacted by Lovey's and had been told that they really want to "speed things up." Inside, I couldn't help but feel that in Lovey's inimitable way, she's probably blaming me for the delay.

I should feel rather good about things. After all, for having been married for 25 years, to have been separated for a year and a half....and only have two little issues delaying the property settlement...I suppose that is a significant accomplishment!

So at the first of the coming week, my attorney will be sending a letter to Lovey's.

With any luck, I will be totally free, by February 1st!

Happy Thanksgiving

What a day!

As I write this on my lap top....my dog is curled up next to me on my love seat in the living room. Again, it is cold, rainy, and somewhat windy.

#1 went off to be with "them" this evening....but I'm sitting here -- NOT DOWN.....just sort of in a mellow mood, counting all my blessings....and planning on going into the office in the morning.

Oh, there was a little bit of drama earlier, when Lovey let #1 know that she thought we should have Mom O'Lovey's strange single neighbor come up and be with us for our meal. This would not have been such a bad idea...had I planned on having him.....and two...had it not been a regular tradition at Mom O'Lovey's to host him. After all, he is her neighbor.

#1 was appalled.....

"After all, you all don't have that many people coming to YOUR house," intoned Lovey.

#1 vetoed the idea quickly.

When #1 told me, I said, well shouldn't your mother have asked me?

#1 responded, "Oh, you know Mom!"

Yes, I have known her for almost 30 years......and that relationship is almost over. Thank God.

Yes, I have much to be thankful for.

Musings on a Rainy Cold Thanksgiving Eve

The wind is blowing.

The rain comes in sheets…and is bone chilling to the touch.

Car headlights are just glare in the cold blackness.

It’s Thanksgiving Eve.

As I’ve said several times, I don’t try to gloss over what I’m feeling….I let it all hang out there – good and bad.

The last few weeks have not been easy. I’m not sure why. I just have been depressed – saddened to the bone.

It’s a lot like a summer thunderstorm. The white puffy clouds begin to fuse and darken on the horizon. Wind starts to blow…gentle at first….but it grows. The rumble of thunder builds and builds…until finally the entire fury of the storm strikes.

This depression has not been good. I felt it coming…yet I was powerless to avert it. Oh, I tried, but there it was, and it stayed a long while. The fog came. The mourning….the guilt…..the profound sadness….the loneliness….the pain – all longtime companions found their way into my mind.

So here I sit…in the gloominess of this cold, and rainy eve…on the other side of this depression. Somehow I have pulled myself up…and I’m making some progress. I’m pleased with myself. In spite of things that could be taken as negative, I’m not.

I’m not joining “them” for Thanksgiving Dinner – my choice. Oh, Mom O’Lovey made it a point to say how much she wanted me to be a part of the celebration and she seemed genuinely saddened by my gracious turndown. My presence at such gatherings only puts Lovey on edge…or so I hear. Plus, given all the “guests” at this year’s gathering, there’s gonna be more than enough drama. After nearly 25 years, I’m longing to be drama-free.

So, what am I doing you might ask?

Me and #1 are having a quiet Thanksgiving Dinner with all the trimmings at my house, by ourselves mid-day. Originally I had planned to go visit my parents, but beause #1 wanted to stay here to join “them” for their evening celebration, I just wasn’t in the mood to drive all that distance alone.

Further, #2 couldn’t join me in WV from Tennessee. She’s coming down to the wire for the end of her studies…and she’s got a paper she simply has to finish. AND…the Marine has plans away from home this year…

So, I’m warm….I’m safe…..I’m dry….on this cold, rainy, black, Thanksgiving Eve.

And I’m Thankful!

Sorry...

I'm sorry that I haven't written an update until now. However, I've been going through kind of a rough time emotionally... I'm consumed by guilt over who I am....fear of what I may become.......and I mourn what I may have lost in the process.

You see, I grew up with that Beaver Cleaver role model in my head. There was a family made up of a mommy and a daddy...and the kids... AND...here I sit....almost 25 years to the day from the time I went down the aisle with Lovey, all full of hope.....and excitement of what the future had to offer. I was confident that I could be like Ward Cleaver....the dad....the head of the house....the guy who could save the day....and was always there when needed.

Somewhere along the way, I failed miserably....and here I am....trying to get the pieces of my life back together again...and to move on. Sometimes it is a lot easier said than done.

So bear with me.....

While I try and get my act together.

Strange Weekend of the ABCs.

As I write this I am nearing the end of a very strange weekend.

Not because of anything that has happened.

It's just a feeling that I have.

Of downess.....of gloom......of sadness......of fog........of depression.

It's a feeling akin to claustrophobia.

But why?

I'm blessed with everything. I have 3 wonderful kids. I have a nice house. I have a wonderful, but dumb cocker spaniel.

Where does this gloom and doom eminate from?

When I try to take an inventory of what it is that I am feeling, I guess I feel sadness about the past -- over things I cannot change.

I feel sadness over the feelings of guilt that I have. I should have not taken so much for granted. I should have been more empathetic to my wife and children. Perhaps, even, I shold have put me at the back of the line and forgotten about the gay thing. Perhaps I fixated too much on me and my wants and needs.

Im so very sad about things I should have done......things I could have done.....

I should have been a better man.....a better christian man.....more of a man of faith.......and not allowed myself to be run over.....or to be involved in the contest.

You know the one....about who was the most spiritual in the house.

And yes those god awful scarlett letters-- A is for Adultery; B is for Bad; C is for Coward; D is for Damned.

F is for Failure;

G is for Gay.

H is for Homo.

I is for the I in the sentence "I am" each of these things.

J is for Jerk.

I can't think of what a letter for K is. Give me some time.

L is for Limp-wristed.

M is for Moron.

N is for Not normal.

O is for Old.

P is for Pansy.

Q is for a quitter queer.

R is for a rebel.

S is for a sinner.

T is for troubled.

U is for unnatural.

V is for villain.

W is for Wicked.

X is for X X Gay.

Y is for yielding to temptaion.

Z is simply the end.

It has not been a good weekend.