Thursday

Mom and Dad left around 4:30 this morning. It certainly ripped my heart out of my chest to see them leave.

They've been through so much this year...but they have fought it together: Mom's cancer removal, Dad's cataract removal..... They've also been there for me....during all the drama of this year...and the year before that. Quietly they have been there...supporting me all the way through.

I am so blessed to have them.

With the grandkids in and out, I didn't get to spend as much one-on-one time with my parents, but the time we did get to talk was special indeed!

Dad's ministrokes have left him appearing so fragile....and so "out of it" at times....but Mother is alert.....fiery as ever.......and her memory quite keen. As a matter of fact, she spent many conversations beginning with, "Do you remember when Lovey did this or that?" I must confess....the things she remembered, I didn't remember quite as vividly...but hearing mom speak of them really served as confirmations of the fact that I am doing so very, very well without Lovey.

Throughout my time off, I have run across additional journal entries.....and notes that Lovey had written to God.... These notes also set forth some rather outrageous accusations about me. I won't list them out here...because I am not trying to use this blog as a BASH LOVEY forum. But, rather, this provides a safe place for me to write my feelings and observations and to obtain your feedback.

Now that I have many months of distance from me and Lovey....and what was.... I'm finding these writings troubling. It shows how far along the journey I have come. I used to want to jump up and defend myself to these accusations.... But now, I just sigh....file them away.....and pray for vindication to come in other ways. I am confident that it will come -- in time.

I am such a complex creature. New facets of my personality appear to emerge almost daily. I say "new"...but actually they are really like very old...and very trusted friends who have been away for such a long time. My care and compassion have returned.....my desire to do little things for people is back. My interest in a variety of hobbies is back....my desire to do some traveling is back. This is all merging into the New Old Frank. I'm liking what I'm beginning to see. I'm also working hard to trust my instincts again.

Remember my poor God Foresaken Christmas Letter?

I received a telephone call from Lovey's aunt. She left me a sweet and nice voice mail about it. She said in part that it was the best Christmas Letter she had ever read and that she was very impressed as to how I handled all the issues so tastefully. So, here is another voice from Lovey's "side", who didn't see it as "cold" or "harsh."

I still receive such odd comments from others. My brother-in-law....and my sister-in-law, who had Christmas Dinner with us...they both said to me that I looked so relaxed...and younger. Well, I can assuredly say that I am NOT younger. Relaxed? Well, a better term might be exhausted. But my blood pressure numbers are down. Everything else seems to be getting better. So positive things are happening.

But, today the blues are back. Perhaps it's because the holidays are almost over or that my parents have gone home. Or maybe it's the dread of knowing that my eldest daughter, #1, is moving off to El Salvador on February 5 to begin 27 months of work for the Peace Corps and I'll be alone in my house, with my dog.

Hopefully the divorce will be final by then.

This fog is manageable.