I've been a member of several online support groups for many years now. They have given me an outlet to express my frustrations and also to make a whole host of friends who are struggling with the issues I have and are currently facing. They are a tremendous source of strength and affirmation. I could not have made it without them!
In one of the discussions yesterday, I made the comment that I was looking forward to the day that I would have a special man in my life -- one that I would be faithful and monogamous with because I feel that I have a lot of pentup emotions that I will one day be free to express with "him."
I was rather taken aback by one person's response to me. He said that the mistake that a lot of ex-married men make is to try and have a monogamous relationship with a man. It's generally the kiss of death in such relationships and he advised that I seek an open or semi-open relationship. After all he opined, the real reason for a monogamous relationship is so that you can "bareback."
Well, this ignited a firestorm in the community. I was pleasantly surprised by the number of men who felt that a monogamous relationship was possible in a gay relationship....not for barebacking....but for emotional intimacy.
It was very interesting to see the various guys' take on the whole topic of monogamy. There were a good number though, who agreed with the "open" concept....so both sides were discussed very freely.
Perhaps I am a bit old fashioned here...but for me...it eems that if you throw open the boundaries of a relationship and allow it to be open like Grand Central Station, it negates the closenss and specialness of having ONE person in your life. Besides, I'm getting older and just don't have the energy to juggle multiple relationships.
So is it possible for gay men to be committed to only one person? I know a number of such relationships at my church and they are an inspiration to me.
Why do you suppose that a lot of men within the gay community have to have multiple partners in order to be happy?
1 comment:
Franco:
That question is one of the poisoned apples in "our" basket.
There is a great divide between the Stonewall definition of "gay" as being about freedom for "free sex" [as long as everyone can agree that no other body parts get involved--a lot of self-delusion there, in my opinion] and the idea that we are "normal, just a little bit different". There will never be a synthesis, in our generation. Younger people will have to wrestle it out, as future women will have to look at the cost of the "having it all" their mothers went looking for.
3/4 of all gay relationships are open; 1/4 of straight relationships are. Say what you like, women act as an anchor to a man's hunting instincts. You can see this pretty clearly in the stereotypes of what a lesbian brings on a second date [a U-Haul truck] and a gay man brings on a second date [what's a second date?].
I say: be prepared for the worst, and let yourself be pleasantly surprised. But then, that's always been my approach. So it may not be such good advice.
Hang in there.
T@C
Two guys are going to wind up with a lot more "guy" stuff to deal with than you or I are used to. I am frequently told to "get used to it."
Post a Comment