The Return

Jessica returns to the Peace Corps and to El Salvador tomorrow.

I am bummed.

It has done me such a world of good to be with her the past 3 weeks. The time has absolutely flown by. I look around and say, "Where did all that time go?"

In my discussions with her, I have learned that contrary to Lovey's earlier assertions about her staying another year in El Salvador, Jessica is only considering the possibility of extending. She misses her home. She misses her room. She misses hanging out with me.

It is so tempting to add some guilt to those thoughts or to apply subtle pressure for her to return here.

But I don't.

I want her to be happy and to work at building a life that will make her very happy.

On the way back from visiting my folks, I had to stop with Jessica to see Lovey in her home in the lovely Shenandoah Valley.

Even after all this time, it still takes something out of me to be around her. I left feeling extremely drained and experiencing those old familiar feelings of hurt and inadequacy.

I always feel like the bad guy....and feel like I am the reason for so much pain and unhappiness in Lovey's life.

Silly, I know -- especially given the fact that we will have been formally separated for four years come June 9th.

After all this time.....and all this pain, I miss her and the life we once had.....

I still have feelings for her....

And I know...I'm queer.

But being in Lovey's house....with my daughter, was like picking the scab off of a fresh wound.

It hurts.