Internally these past few days I've been silentlly grieving over a couple of broken relationships. These things happen I know, but it doesn't make them any less painful to try and minimize them.
The relationships I am mourning are ones that at one time were critical to my self-image...and they helped me to gauge myself as to how successful I was.
Silly aren't they?
Now I am in a place where I have no contact with these people -- at their insistence. Some of them have misunderstood me....what I've said....what I've written....and away they go.....creating their own reality based on very flawed facts.
I don't know what hurts more....to be misunderstood....or to be disallowed from trying to offer clarification.
Then another part ponders the fact that although I have been known by these individuals for many, many years....clearly they did not KNOW me well enough to know that I am not guilty of what they believe.
So I'm stuck.
We're now in the season of Lent. Yesterday was Ash Wednesday. Our church has adopted a novel approach to Lent this year: instead of giving up something you like or enjoy for the season, give up a burden.
So as I shared with my seat mate at church last night that my burden was "BROKEN RELATIONSHIPS" it was apparent to me that I should probably adopt an approach that Jesus used one time. As he stood before his accusers before he was crucified, He remained silent. He didn't talk back to His accusers. He didn't talk about his accusers. He didn't try to make his accusers look bad. He just let them do their thing...and He remained silent...TOTALLY.
The Holy Spirit gently nudged me last night and told me that in order for me to happily deal with these broken relationships that have bothered me, that Lent would become a SEASON OF SILENCE for me.
No telephone calls to these individuals.
No emails.
NOTHING.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Drama, Drama, DRAMA
For the most part, I have been having such a great week. I am so amazed at how having a special man in one's life just seems to make everything so much better.
BUT...
Why is it that when things finally seem to be going well, something happens that tries to eclipse all the good feelings?
Stuff has been going well. The man in my life is named Patrick. He's a very kind, wonderful and gentle soul in so many ways. He and I are proceeding very slowly and taking it one day at a time. We have no grand goals of being HUZbands....or moving in....or selecting a china patter or silver....or rushing to Massachusetts.
We are just taking it slow and easy.
Patrick's last relationship ended a few weeks ago. We're also concerned about the rebound syndrome.
But we are off to grand start!
Meanwhile, back here at the ranch, Lovey sent me an email to tell me that she didn't want anything to interfere with her ordination. Yup, she got word about two weeks ago that she had passed all the requirements necessary for her to have this wonderful occasion. (She had heard that I am taking my children to the beach....along with my parents this summer, but she was afraid I would do it on HER only day with HER children!) She has directed the children to be there...and it is also the weekend of my twin daughters 25th Birthday. All the plans have been made...but the girls have said that they weren't really asked what they wanted to do.
So Lovey was in fine fashion. The very thought that she thought I would intentionally keep HER children away infuriated me. I wrote back a measured response....non sugar coated that basically said I have not made any plans....not to worry.....and further, you should know better after 25 years that I wouldn't do anything to jeopardize your grand day.
She responsed.....and told me how angry I was...and then she went off on a big tirade about how she was hurting and still in tears that she was not permitted to spend Thanksgiving with my folks and HER children.
I reminded her once more, that she hadn't really had a relationship with my parents...including not being there for them when they had experienced 8 siginificant deaths over the course of the marriage....and no reunions, etc. My parents couldn't understand why she wanted to be friends NOW.
I also asked if she had tried to build bridges to my parents since the separation....blah....blah.
She again responded about how much she loved my parents.....and how much she wanted to reach out to them.......and it goes on and on. She also said she resented the fact that I had not apologized for the divorce.....acceppted the blame......and it turned into a rehash of all the stuff from 4 years ago.
She said I had ripped her to shreds with my email.......and had dumped on her.
I was on my way out the door when I said,"Lovey, I am on my way out...but when I come back, I will write you a response. You are taking these emails totally the wrong way. Try to relax and BREATHE."
A couple of hours I came back....she said, "Don't bother. This isn't helpful."
I remained silent.
Then a couple of days later....she wrote this:
ONE FINAL EMAIL
Frank,
As you a aware, the recent exchange of e-mails, especially the one
written on 2/16 around 10:00 a.m., upset me immensely. Upon
reflection, what bothered me the most was the realization that you
blame the divorce entirely on me and show no indication that you
understand at all my reasons and needs, even though the fault was our
mutual incompatibility due to our very different sexual makeup. While
I was far from perfect, I gave all that I was able of my self to you,
our children, our marriage, etc., and I did my best. What I have
needed from you - the only thing I really would want from you - is an
admission of your own responsibility in the failure of the marriage.
Your e-mails to me do nothing but blame me, they don't acknowledge
that I brought anything positive to our 25-year relationship - it was
ALL negative. This was devastating and has moved me to a course of
action I had never considered having to take. Optimist that I was, I
had thought that friendship with you was both possible and healthy,
but these past several days have destroyed that hope.
Because I can only work on myself and am unwilling to subject myself
to this kind of experience again, I have made a couple of decisions in
order to help me move forward in a more healthy, positive direction.
1. Just for your own information, I will not seek any future
relationship with your parents. (Your mother is too ill to work on it
even if she wanted to, and she doesn't; they will always see me as the
blame. Any acceptance of me would be an admission that you might have
been at least partly to blame for our divorce - you are their son and
they would not see that.). I wish them all the best, I will keep them
in my thoughts and prayers, and I would appreciate being notified of
their eventual passing.
2. I will not accept any further negative communications from you (nor
will I send you any).
3. I expect you to respect me as our children's mother and not make
any disparaging remarks about me to them. (I have not and will not do
so.)
4. I will only contact you regarding matters about our children or any
legal matters (such as salary changes, etc.) as required. I will be
friendly and civil, but I will not seek or expect anything more.
5. Please take me off your list of friends on Face Book.
I wish you all the best,
Lovey
Back when I took her to see our son off to Iraq two years ago, we talked about everything....I apologized for everything I could think of.....the gay thing.....the gay experiences.....the sexless marriage......the wooden spoons in the dishwasher......the raised toilet seats......the dog......EVERYTHING!
But here it is now....and WHAM!
And now she wants off my FACEBOOK as a friend. (I didn't have to do anything...she removed me from her page...which wiped her off my page too!)
The interesting thing about all this...especially the FACEBOOK action was after I had changed my relationship status there that said, "IN A RELATIONSHIP." She also dropped a friend of mine...without reason. My guess is she thinks I am in a relationship with him....she does not know Pat. Also, in the midst of the flurry of emails, I had written on her FACEBOOK wall that said, "Lovey...I feel like a heal for not congratulating you on your ordination. I think it's great. All your dreams are coming true...you GO girl! LOL!"
So, I've remained quiet. I have instructed my children to not provide any information about what is going on in my life....or about me to her. After all, I don't know what constitutes being negative in any communication that I have with her. So, I will just remain silent.
The thing that I find most troubling with this is that after all the email comments about her love for my parents.....she has done a total about face....and only wants to know of their "eventual passing."
So, any potential relationship....or friendship with her going forward....appears finished.
Time to move on....FINALLY!
BUT...
Why is it that when things finally seem to be going well, something happens that tries to eclipse all the good feelings?
Stuff has been going well. The man in my life is named Patrick. He's a very kind, wonderful and gentle soul in so many ways. He and I are proceeding very slowly and taking it one day at a time. We have no grand goals of being HUZbands....or moving in....or selecting a china patter or silver....or rushing to Massachusetts.
We are just taking it slow and easy.
Patrick's last relationship ended a few weeks ago. We're also concerned about the rebound syndrome.
But we are off to grand start!
Meanwhile, back here at the ranch, Lovey sent me an email to tell me that she didn't want anything to interfere with her ordination. Yup, she got word about two weeks ago that she had passed all the requirements necessary for her to have this wonderful occasion. (She had heard that I am taking my children to the beach....along with my parents this summer, but she was afraid I would do it on HER only day with HER children!) She has directed the children to be there...and it is also the weekend of my twin daughters 25th Birthday. All the plans have been made...but the girls have said that they weren't really asked what they wanted to do.
So Lovey was in fine fashion. The very thought that she thought I would intentionally keep HER children away infuriated me. I wrote back a measured response....non sugar coated that basically said I have not made any plans....not to worry.....and further, you should know better after 25 years that I wouldn't do anything to jeopardize your grand day.
She responsed.....and told me how angry I was...and then she went off on a big tirade about how she was hurting and still in tears that she was not permitted to spend Thanksgiving with my folks and HER children.
I reminded her once more, that she hadn't really had a relationship with my parents...including not being there for them when they had experienced 8 siginificant deaths over the course of the marriage....and no reunions, etc. My parents couldn't understand why she wanted to be friends NOW.
I also asked if she had tried to build bridges to my parents since the separation....blah....blah.
She again responded about how much she loved my parents.....and how much she wanted to reach out to them.......and it goes on and on. She also said she resented the fact that I had not apologized for the divorce.....acceppted the blame......and it turned into a rehash of all the stuff from 4 years ago.
She said I had ripped her to shreds with my email.......and had dumped on her.
I was on my way out the door when I said,"Lovey, I am on my way out...but when I come back, I will write you a response. You are taking these emails totally the wrong way. Try to relax and BREATHE."
A couple of hours I came back....she said, "Don't bother. This isn't helpful."
I remained silent.
Then a couple of days later....she wrote this:
ONE FINAL EMAIL
Frank,
As you a aware, the recent exchange of e-mails, especially the one
written on 2/16 around 10:00 a.m., upset me immensely. Upon
reflection, what bothered me the most was the realization that you
blame the divorce entirely on me and show no indication that you
understand at all my reasons and needs, even though the fault was our
mutual incompatibility due to our very different sexual makeup. While
I was far from perfect, I gave all that I was able of my self to you,
our children, our marriage, etc., and I did my best. What I have
needed from you - the only thing I really would want from you - is an
admission of your own responsibility in the failure of the marriage.
Your e-mails to me do nothing but blame me, they don't acknowledge
that I brought anything positive to our 25-year relationship - it was
ALL negative. This was devastating and has moved me to a course of
action I had never considered having to take. Optimist that I was, I
had thought that friendship with you was both possible and healthy,
but these past several days have destroyed that hope.
Because I can only work on myself and am unwilling to subject myself
to this kind of experience again, I have made a couple of decisions in
order to help me move forward in a more healthy, positive direction.
1. Just for your own information, I will not seek any future
relationship with your parents. (Your mother is too ill to work on it
even if she wanted to, and she doesn't; they will always see me as the
blame. Any acceptance of me would be an admission that you might have
been at least partly to blame for our divorce - you are their son and
they would not see that.). I wish them all the best, I will keep them
in my thoughts and prayers, and I would appreciate being notified of
their eventual passing.
2. I will not accept any further negative communications from you (nor
will I send you any).
3. I expect you to respect me as our children's mother and not make
any disparaging remarks about me to them. (I have not and will not do
so.)
4. I will only contact you regarding matters about our children or any
legal matters (such as salary changes, etc.) as required. I will be
friendly and civil, but I will not seek or expect anything more.
5. Please take me off your list of friends on Face Book.
I wish you all the best,
Lovey
Back when I took her to see our son off to Iraq two years ago, we talked about everything....I apologized for everything I could think of.....the gay thing.....the gay experiences.....the sexless marriage......the wooden spoons in the dishwasher......the raised toilet seats......the dog......EVERYTHING!
But here it is now....and WHAM!
And now she wants off my FACEBOOK as a friend. (I didn't have to do anything...she removed me from her page...which wiped her off my page too!)
The interesting thing about all this...especially the FACEBOOK action was after I had changed my relationship status there that said, "IN A RELATIONSHIP." She also dropped a friend of mine...without reason. My guess is she thinks I am in a relationship with him....she does not know Pat. Also, in the midst of the flurry of emails, I had written on her FACEBOOK wall that said, "Lovey...I feel like a heal for not congratulating you on your ordination. I think it's great. All your dreams are coming true...you GO girl! LOL!"
So, I've remained quiet. I have instructed my children to not provide any information about what is going on in my life....or about me to her. After all, I don't know what constitutes being negative in any communication that I have with her. So, I will just remain silent.
The thing that I find most troubling with this is that after all the email comments about her love for my parents.....she has done a total about face....and only wants to know of their "eventual passing."
So, any potential relationship....or friendship with her going forward....appears finished.
Time to move on....FINALLY!
Saturday, February 14, 2009
OMG!!! I Think This Time It Is Really Happening
I am very happy these days.
It happened when I least expected it....and in a very amusing way.
You see, there is now someone very special in my life.
He has chased all my dark clouds (which are many) away.
He makes my heart turn flip flops when he appears....or I receive a text message or email from him.
He has told me that he cares for me very deeply.....and that I make him happy.....that I make him smile......he looks forward to seeing me and to spending time with me.
We have known one another for over 4 months. He was involved with another person, but that ended. I took him to dinner this week to just spend some time with him.....and to be a friend. I suppose the stars must have aligned at the right moment....or the angels sang. At any rate....dinner turned into a 4 hour adventure. I drove him home...and then there was another hour of talking.
Then he leaned over and gave me a kiss.
It was magical.
My week has not been the same....
This guy is cute......he's young..... a lot younger than me.
And it is amazing.
And it is someone that I have known....not the guy who stood me up twice.
**SIGH**
It happened when I least expected it....and in a very amusing way.
You see, there is now someone very special in my life.
He has chased all my dark clouds (which are many) away.
He makes my heart turn flip flops when he appears....or I receive a text message or email from him.
He has told me that he cares for me very deeply.....and that I make him happy.....that I make him smile......he looks forward to seeing me and to spending time with me.
We have known one another for over 4 months. He was involved with another person, but that ended. I took him to dinner this week to just spend some time with him.....and to be a friend. I suppose the stars must have aligned at the right moment....or the angels sang. At any rate....dinner turned into a 4 hour adventure. I drove him home...and then there was another hour of talking.
Then he leaned over and gave me a kiss.
It was magical.
My week has not been the same....
This guy is cute......he's young..... a lot younger than me.
And it is amazing.
And it is someone that I have known....not the guy who stood me up twice.
**SIGH**
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Update
My goodness.
It has been ages since I wrote.
This is especially embarrassing -- given the fact that I had pledged to write more faithfully this year.
I'm sorry.
It has been a very hectic few weeks.
Let me catch you up.
The last time I wrote, I explained how disappointed I was that my blind date cancelled at the very last moment.
Time passed and he spoke to me on a number of times afterwards and said that he was in the bed ill. So, he slowly recovered. We rescheduled for last Thursday, February 5.
And, guess what?
At the last minute, he stood me up AGAIN!
This time it hurt.
Perhaps it shouldn't have, but it did and I have worked to deal with it. Just day before yesterday, he called to apologize. This time he said it was his 10 yo daughter who suffered a seizure that required her to be hospitalized. He was phoning because she had just been released and he asked my forgiveness yet again.
So, I just didn't know what to think. Especially given the fact that he had two plausible excuses...but still we haven't met.
I spent last weekend in Charlottesville with a group of guys who are members of one of my online support groups. It's the group that saw me through the initial separation and early days of divorce talk. One of the men is headed through a very painful divorce. He has good days and bad days. Another guy is on his second marriage which is getting ready to dissolve. The two other guys were married and plan to stay that way.
It gave me time to be with my friends....and to explore places I hadn't ever visited. I also got to hear all these men's stories...and to reflect on mine. I have come such a very long way.... How thankful I am...even with the disappointments of not meeting people for dating purposes.
I cae back from my trip refreshed. I've had a wonderful week full of accomplishment at the office.
And we will see what happens.
It has been ages since I wrote.
This is especially embarrassing -- given the fact that I had pledged to write more faithfully this year.
I'm sorry.
It has been a very hectic few weeks.
Let me catch you up.
The last time I wrote, I explained how disappointed I was that my blind date cancelled at the very last moment.
Time passed and he spoke to me on a number of times afterwards and said that he was in the bed ill. So, he slowly recovered. We rescheduled for last Thursday, February 5.
And, guess what?
At the last minute, he stood me up AGAIN!
This time it hurt.
Perhaps it shouldn't have, but it did and I have worked to deal with it. Just day before yesterday, he called to apologize. This time he said it was his 10 yo daughter who suffered a seizure that required her to be hospitalized. He was phoning because she had just been released and he asked my forgiveness yet again.
So, I just didn't know what to think. Especially given the fact that he had two plausible excuses...but still we haven't met.
I spent last weekend in Charlottesville with a group of guys who are members of one of my online support groups. It's the group that saw me through the initial separation and early days of divorce talk. One of the men is headed through a very painful divorce. He has good days and bad days. Another guy is on his second marriage which is getting ready to dissolve. The two other guys were married and plan to stay that way.
It gave me time to be with my friends....and to explore places I hadn't ever visited. I also got to hear all these men's stories...and to reflect on mine. I have come such a very long way.... How thankful I am...even with the disappointments of not meeting people for dating purposes.
I cae back from my trip refreshed. I've had a wonderful week full of accomplishment at the office.
And we will see what happens.
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