My 2nd Anniversary

Friday was my second anniversary of my new life as a divorced, gay man.

Gee I have come such a long way.

Time to Catch Up With Frank!

Sorry that I have been so remiss at writing. Things have been so busy now that my daughter from El Salvador has returned. We're in the process of deep cleaning the house, because God knows it needs it. We also need to get rid of a ton of junk, old clothes, etc. So she has graciously volunteered to help me with this task that has been looking at me for the past two years...that I just haven't been able to make myself do. It has just been difficult for me to become motivated to do anything around the house because when I start cleaning out the junk room, I begin running across old stuff from my old life....like a love note from Lovey from many years ago....or a small token from the kids when they were in elementary, and I cry.

I know it's bad....but I'm a softy.

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I had quite an interesting experience last Friday when my daughter and I were headed to West Virginia to visit my parents for the long Memorial Day Weekend.

When we were halfway to my destination and we were cruising along the interstate and enjoying the scenic vistas of the mountains, my cellphone rang.

It was Lovey.

These days when I recive such calls, I geta knot in my stomach. I wonder, "What did I do now?"

Well, I picked it up and and said "Hello" in my cheeriest voice possible.

She didn't sound very happy.

"I'm just calling to let you know all that I have been dealing with this morning," she said.

"What's happening?" I asked, still cheery.

"I received a call from the stalker (a long story for another day), who said that she had heard at a funeral recently, that the real reason the Frank and Lovey split was because Lovey is a Lesbian! 'Tell me it isn't true' the stalker blurted out."

I nearly drove off the road....and cackled. That was the funniest thing I had heard. (The real funny thing is that my dad always thought she was a lesbian!)

Lovey then told me that she had gotten to the bottom of the rumor and had called and confronted the person who had informed the stalker. She wanted me to know that she had set the record straight.

I was still chuckling!

"I'm glad you think it's so funny," she said with grand indignance. "I struggle with these accusations all the time," she continued. "As a single, older woman pastor, I am always suspect."

I didn't know that.

Hmmmm. Perhaps Lovey will get a glimmer of what it's like to be whispered about.....or accused of things wrongly. Perhaps she'll understand all the things I went through when she mounted her campaign to discredit me because of my gayness.

I am amazed at how things have a way of coming back to haunt you.

I continued to laugh heartily about Lovey the Lesbian.

How delicious!

EXPLOSION!!!

Today I went nuclear on someone.

Yup...mild-mannered, kind, and caring Frank EXPLODED today.

I work very hard to keep an even keel in the most difficult of situations. I try to steer clear of controversy. I keep my nose clean...

Today, I got sucked into an unwanted vortex of drama. I have spent the last three weeks negotiating a host of unwanted dramas.... People whom I barely knew come up and tell me what I should do about this or that. Well, today, I exploded.

And totally let go.

The person on the receiving end knew that had received more than what they had bargained for.

They attempted to apologize.

They wanted to call and to talk.

My answer was simple and straight to the point: "I'm done talking to you. I have said all I am going to say about this issue!" "FINITO!!"

Yes, I've grown.

In the olden days I would have allowed this individual to walk all over me.....and I probably would have huddled over in a corner and cried about it because I was such an emotional mess.

But not now....in this day and time.

I'm a force to be wreckened with.

A GREAT Weekend!

It has been a weekend that I have needed on several different fronts.

It began wonderfully well in that my daughter finally got the results of her medical tests. NO CANCER -- just minor stuff that the doctor will follow up on with her on June 19. I am so thrilled that it's not serious and that hopefully we will have a quiet summer ahead. Oh, how I pray I have a good summer.

The retreat was excellent! God certainly had a hold of me during all the sessions. I can sense Him wanting to move in my life in a mightier way. He knows all that I have been going through of late....and the stupid little stuff that has me annoyed. He let me know that He sees it all and that I must wait on Him. This will just be another one of those seasons of silence that He spoke to me about on Ash Wednesday.

So I will wait...watch and listen. Privately.

The new camera worked like a dream. I have some fantastic shots and will publish a couple to accompany this article.

We talked about obstacles in our lives. We were asked to bring a symbol of a obstacle that is no longer part of our lives that we have turned into a joy.

I struggled and struggled about what I should take.

Finally at the very last moment I was passing my china closet and there was the symbol. I wound up taking the cake top from my wedding cake in 1981. Lovey had refused to take it with her when she left. So, I kept it along with some of the other souvenirs from the wedding that I thought my children would find of use.

Lovey's mom worked very hard on that cake top. The group looks like me...with my dark brown beard that I had at the time....and the bride had on a veil and dress that were replicas of the real thing.

It spoke volumes to me. I placed onto the altar at the retreat with the other objects that people had brought symbolizing their mountains/obstacles. I also took along my retreat journal....it contained entries from my first retreat in 2007. In reading those entries and looking back on some of the entries on this blog. I am so shocked at really how far I have come. Issues have faded dramatically -- if not totally evaporated. I am healthier mentally and emotionally.

This is why one goes on retreats -- to ponder and to evaluate. One also has the time to think about one's origin and life's journey.

It's amazing.

Three special individuals spent significant time with me at the retreat. We shared deeply from our hearts....and spoke of our respective journeys. We also listened to each other as we spoke of our individual mountains and our fears....and our regrets. I just cannot begin to describe the love that I felt for these folks. I guess the word is COMPASSION. I understood their hurts and disappointments...just as they understood mine.

In disclosing our feelings...we drew closer.

And it was so special.

This morning as the altar was torn down...and people symbolically retrieved their symbols, I was struck by what each person had brought...and the solemness with which they picked up their items. As I picked up my symbol, I realized for the first time that it was okay to let it all go.

To finally forgive myself for all that has happened.

To understand that it was one of the lessons I was sent her to learn.

To understand it was pain I had to endure.

All these were given to me so that I could be a better listener to others who have hurts and disappointments.

I was also given two big strong arms with which to give gigantic bear hugs to let those undergoing trials or questions......that they are loved.

Beyond mesaure by God....

And...

For what its worth -- me.

Yes a great weekend.

Human Nature

I am 51 years old now and you'd think I would know a FEW things....but I still am guilty of making myself too vulnerable....too caring and too open for my own good. The result? Getting hurt....

Hurt feelings.

Hurt pride.

A few things have been swirling around in my life over the past few days.... Some have been and continue to be the source of a lot of pain -- internalized pain.

I have not really shared it with anyone in my inner circle.

The pain is just there...it has grown into kind of a dull ache now.

The source is very juvenile at best... It's not worth it. It's silly.

But the pain remains very real.

So, before I get myself into substantial trouble, I need to be silent. I need to keep it buried deep. At some point I'll deal with it.

This weekend is the annual church retreat. I really look forward to this opportunity of spending time with some of my favorite church people to relax and enjoy getting to know them better. I've had one person who has asked that I spend some alone time to chat. Maybe I can trust that person with what I have going on at the moment, i.e. if I feel I need to share it.

I also bought a new NIKON SLR Digital 35 mm camera. I'll work on putting together a new DVD for the retreat goers. I also have another idea for something as a meaningful reminder.

We'll see.

Still no word on my daughter's medical tests. I am on EDGE...big time on that one. I will spend a significant portion of time in prayer on that one.

Mother's Day 2009

It's Mother's Day.

It's mom's 75th Birthday weekend too!

Gosh the time flies by...and I am just so blessed to still have both parents in relative good health.

Mom has had such a tough go of it this year. The cancer diagnosis really almost did all of us in. It's amazing how such a pronouncement can have such long term implications. It has generated many nights of worry....moments of uncontrollable sobbing....and overall sadness.

But even through this there have been moments of sunshine. Most recently her diagnosis of being in remission has been such a blessing.

Today I am also thinking of my children. One is headed to her grandmother's home....a few blocks away....to spend the day with her grandma.....her mother.....and her aunts. This is good that for once, Lovey will have one of her offspring with her on this day.

I'm headed to church in just a little while....and I'm going to have a full afternoon.

Unexpected Blessings

Tonight was my debut of sorts.

I did something that I haven't done in over the past 10 years: I sang a solo at church.

I've only been attending this church a little over 2 years, and I shocked everyone because I have never been one to really advertise what I can do. I've been very low key...not really one to toot my own horn.

Tonight was their talent night. So I signed up. I sang the song Cinderella....and I saw many tears in the house as I sang. At the end I received strong applause.....and several people stood...

It gave me back some of the old feelings that I used to have so very long ago when I had been able to minister through song.

WOW!

A Rather Challenging Week!

I have survived this week.

Thank God.

Last week sucked big time....just from the fact that my boyfriend of three months dumped me..and my pride was hurt. Aw, he was a sweet guy. But, as the relationship progressed, I realized that he wasn't the man for me.

I'm not sure if it was the age(he was in his mid-30s to my 51), or if it was just his little quirks (he has OCD), or if it was the fact that he could be stubborn (he liked to do what HE liked to do and he wouldn't allow me to cook for him), or if it was his stinginess (I could hear George and Abe screaming in his wallet, "Let me out!" LOL), or if it was his Type I Diabetes (he drank a lot of bear.....and his energy levels were never consistent -- he said that I had more energy than any one else he has ever dated). I suppose the real clincher for me that kind of set me on edge was the fact that one day he and I were talking and I asked him, "Of all the people you've dated and partnered with (he has lived with several guys), have you ever been in love?" "Nope," he responded. "Never."

The list goes on...

So, I had reached the conclusion that I needed to stop the relationship....but you know me. I tolerated 25 years in a loveless marriage hoping THAT would get better. Is it really any surprise that I was going to let the relationship proceed until after our church retreat in mid-May before I pulled the plug.

Well, the guy pulled the plug on me first.

As I licked my wounds, I was looking forward to a nice evening with a friend who was celebrating his birthday at a wonderful Italian Restaurant in NW DC. When I arrived, can you imagine my feelings when I find out that one of my best friends in the whole wide world is dating my EX boyfriend?

Well, that's exactly what happened.

I was humiliated....mortified....etc.

Not to mention, shocked that my ex was hitting the dating game so soon after the breakup. He certainly didn't let the grass grow under his feet! -- But for all the momentary blips of pain I encountered, in the end this all served as my confirmation that he was not the one for me.

I just hope that my friend does not wind up getting hurt as a result of this new relationship.

From what I can see, his relationship with my EX has started much in the same manner as mine did: lots of fire.....lots of passion....thinking about each other all the time...spending as much time as they can......yadda, yadda, yadda. And I have to hand it to them, my EX is hurling the "L" word to my friend. So maybe this is different.

For them.

I pray so.

Sunday morning I appeared at church sans boyfriend. A dear lesbian friend approached me cautiously to ask of my ex's whereabouts. I informed her that he was not longer my BF and that he was now dating my friend.

She shook her head.

After a few moments, she said, "This is probably a good thing for you, Frank, in the long run. We may be seeing a pattern develop and I would hate to see you hurt."

True. It seems that my ex has seen his share of men...so many in fact that I can't seem to keep up with all of their names.

I just hope that my friend doesn't wind up being hurt.

We'll see.

What Goes Around Comes Around

That's what my mother always says.

It happens everytime.