Watching Daddy Sleep

It's Monday.

My caregiver can't be here today. Something about a green card issue.

So, even though she was prepared to have a substitute fill in for her, I told her that I would take leave and stay with him.

It's a thankless task....being with my dad during this time of illness. In the end, when all is said and done, I will have the comfort of knowing that I spent every available moment with him and trying to keep him comfortable.

As I watch him sleep...which is what he does mostly these days....I remember so much from my childhood. Dad was always a bit quirky....a control freak. He would give me a task to do...but then wind up having to do it himself because he wanted it done "right". These repeated actions really did a number on me....and left me with the feeling that I couldn't do anything. In fact, I still suffer the residual effects of all this even today.

But watching dad sleep now, makes me wonder what made him the way he was. Did his dad treat him the same way?

Daddy coughs and peers over the side of his hospital bed....making sure I'm here. His hearing aids are out....and he can't hear a thing. We make eye contact. He gives a feeble smile and then turns on his side. All is well in his world.

He complained earlier about the fact that all he wants to do is sleep now. I respond by saying, "I know." I tuck the comforter around him. The hospice people say that this is going to happen...he will sleep and sleep and sleep and slowly fade away...unless some imbalance in his body, caused by the cancer, will take him sooner.

They tell me that I shouldn't be surprised when the end comes.

But I know that when the end comes....all bets are off. I probably will be a wreck....and then I can go about the business of mourning.

For both of my parents...