This new life of mine seems to be taking its toll.
I have not been able to sleep real well...and I've been a bit edgy this weekend. On top of that, I happened to come across some pictures of my mom....and of my dad...in better days gone by and I lost it. In private, I have spent a lot of time crying...and it just hasn't seemed to want to stop. Added to this, my daughter (the one who lives here with me) has been going through some of her own issues...and things have been tense between the two of us for several weeks. Friday night they came to a head...and, well, it added to my feelings of angst....inadequacy....failulre....etc. The usual, garden-variety things, that this gay guy faces almost daily.
Here are some of the other things I've been dealing with:
* My dad's ongoing health. The good news is his life expectancy has been increased to about 5 years....from the two months he was initially given when I came online to be his roommate.
* I came out to some coworkers. They were shocked. I did so because one of them has been accused of not being sensitive to sexual orientation issues. I intervened...and disclosed that I had never seen any evidence of this and I'm GAY!
* While I was at it, I came out to my god son. He took it well too.
* One of my most senior people that works for me was diagnosed with brain cancer in November. She had the tumor removed....and there was aggressive radiation done as followup. Scans afterward revealed two new lesions. She also has it in her lung and on her liver. Chemo is out of the question right now because she is so week....and the cancer seems to be spreading. Got word on Friday that she is being moved to a rehab hospital to gain her strength....and she is going to retire as of March 31.
* I have been trying to keep all the balls in the air at the office and doing her work...my work....and staying on top of all the other folks that work for me.
* I thought I was having a budding romance with someone I really had feeligns for....but...as usual....that has evaporated.
* My sugar levels have dropped considerably. I have lost 17 pounds and two pants sizes. We are now working on my A1C levels. The doctor explained that on this "exam" I got an A,but my average is an F....so I need to take my health more seriously....and I have been in the past few weeks.
* Trying to stay active in church....but I'm losing interest....I'm sad...maybe even depressed a bit.
* My dog appears to be suffering from DOGGIE ALZHEIMERS. I kid you not. He paces....in the middle of the night for no reason. He loses control of his bodily functions..... He's afraid of our kitchen floor for no reason....and is petrified of the regrigerator. All these things are new symptoms that seem to have happened all at once.
So, here I sit...at my laptop. I've een wide awake since 3:30 am. I signed onto my work account and got a lot of work done. My daughter just left for work.... Yesterday and today seem much better by the way. We shared a morning cup of coffee and talked about a whole host of issues.
I have had some very dear friends invite me out to dinner this weekend. Those were good. In one case, my daughter and my dad joined us. Another friend had me over for a home cooked meal. I have dinner plans tonight with another friend to catch up.
So, I guess all is not as bleak as it appeared first on Friday.
Don't worry about me...I will pull myself up by my bootstraps like I always do.
Dad is snoring....and all is right in his world.
Right now, that's what matters to me most.
2 comments:
I sense a lot of sadness in your life. And then the tragedy of your neighbor. It rattles you.
Look for the good things.
I am amazed at how well you handle all that life throws at you. A lot of it would be overwhelming for others, but from what I read, you handle it as best you can and always strive to do the right things. It's all that any of us can do. Hang in there and I hope that things eventually settle down.
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