Then There is Bob...

The Christmas season is soon upon me and I am just not in the spirit. I had some special Chrstimas Cards created and personalized. I've been working on getting them signed and sealed. But I have so many....and I'm not complaining. It's neat to have so many that are so interested in my life...but...it's still work!

Work continues to be filled with the drama that only an office can provide. Lots of ungrateful people...who don't seem to understand what a blessing it is at this time of the year especially, to have a job and a steady paycheck.

My kids are gathering from Christmas. They are at my house....and I am going to savor every moment with them that I can. My daughter from Nashville arrives tonight. My military son arrived yesterday afternoon. I'm taking off tomorrow to spend time with the daughter who arrives tonight. Somewhere in here I hope to get my Christmas shopping complete.

With the loss of my parents, it feels basically like I am wondering in a fog. When I look at the Christmas imagery....and hear the carols...I feel numb. It means nothing. I have no Christmas cheer.

And then there is Bob...

Still driving this bus......still headed in God knows what direction....

Our trip is coming next week. I look forward to being with him and seeing him totally in a relaxed situation. I am praying that somewhere sometime during this trip I get a glimmer of where the bus is headed.

He called me on the telephone this passed Saturday....kept me on the phone for over an hour. (We've not been able to communicate very much because of the season. He is swamped totally and being pulled in 50 different directions -- all at once!)

So we chatted about everything. And then he brought up the resort...

We have a one bedroom unit he says.... "I hope you don't mind, but it actually sleeps 4! There's a couch that lets out to a full size bed. I'm used to sleeping there," he said. "You'll have some privacy, " he added.

Hmmm, I thought. We're both grown men....and I'm not going to jump his bones... I'm not worried about the privacy issue.... I would have no problems with him sleeping in the same bed...I can behave. He doesn't have to sleep on one of those fold out beds!

So, in some respects...it bums me out that he feels he has to do that. On the other hand, something has made him think about these issues.

I just wonder what he's thinking...

Remembering December 12, 1981

Thirty years ago today, my life changed!

I got married to Lovey.

It is quite a milestone and I felt I should recognize it. I mean, even with all the difficulty I experienced with her....and the separation and divorce from hell.... well, I still survived and I feel like I am a better person because of it. Also, were it not for the 30 minute ceremony, 30 years ago, I would not have had the three wonderful children that I now do. So, I have spent the majority of my day thanking the Lord -- yes, I am a man of faith -- for that monumental event and the fact that here I am...still standing after EVERYTHING: the fussing....the fighting.....the grieving......the greediness.....the gay thing......and all the other "stuff."

I am here....alive and well.

And, I think I am healed from the hurt caused by the breakup 6.5 years ago. So much so that I sent Lovey a card....it had the cast from the old movie, THE WIZARD OF OZ on it. It was blank on the inside and I wrote: "We certainly aren't in Kansas anymore...(are we?). I still remember..."

I followed that up with flowers....with a card that said..."I still remember..." with my name on it.

Lovey wrote me back a very simple and short email message. Thanking me for the flowers and that they arrived okay. She also said that it was a very happy day 30 years ago...thanks for remembering her. See you at Christmas.

Mom O'Lovey told my daughter...who then told me that she (my daughter) cannot understand why I would waste money on her mother like that. Mom O'Lovey thought it was a very kind thing to do.

I did it because Lovey is the mother of my three children....and there would not have been any of those had it not been for December 12, 1981.

Going forward, I have to admit, based on that failed relationship...I think I know how to be a better mate to whoever the lucky man is that will be my boyfriend....partner....husband....lover....whatever.

I am a different man.

Things Are Looking Up...I Think...

Today was quite a busy day for me. I slept in a bit and then got up and dressed and attended my gay Bible Study group. It was time for the monthly brunch and this time, in view of the season, celebrated Christmas. I was asked to pick up one of our members at the subway station, which I gladly did. He was a friendly guy and we chit chatted on our way back to the gathering site. When he arrived....and because he was relatively new, introductions were made.....and then he turned to our host and said:

"David, not only did I receive a blessing of having someone pick me up.....but you sent a hot man to do it!"

Well, this was the first time I have been labeled as "hot." Nonetheless I am sure that I blushed....but thanked him for the complement.

Following the meeting, another of the group came up and said, "Frank, I have to tell you...you seem to be looking much better these days. I know that you have been under quite a lot of stress....but you're looking great....even younger!"

I'm sure I blushed again.... Then another of the group told me how good I looked and gave me a big hug and gave me a big full kiss on the lips....with his lips parted slightly. THAT hasn't happened before in this group!

I left that meeting with a slight spring in my step...

When I reached home, I rested a brief time and then I went to a party that I had been invited to. It was made up of a lot of my friends...some of whom I had not seen in a while. One of them, a beautiful guy who has been with his partner for 16 years...and recently got married....came over and sat down next to me...very closely. He gave me a very big hug and said, "Where were you 16 years ago?"

I giggled and said..."Well, I was right here.....in the closet....and married with 3 small children." He the mumbled something about wishing he could have changed that.....and I switched the topic. We chatted and chatted for a good long while....and he walked me out to my car as he went to his. He then gave me a big hug....and a warm kiss.....and then he said....if anything happens to my marriage.....you're on the short list."

Inside, I could hear the robot from Lost In Space saying "DANGER....DANGER.....WILL ROBINSON!!!!" I'm glad that he and his husband live a ways away....and I don't see them very often. This could be problematic.

I've not known what to think about all this.

Clearly I have made progress.....and it is showing.......and guys I have known have seen a change in me.

But I'm unsettled by all the attention.....probably because I feel in limbo with Bob. He's not made his intentions known....I am respectful of him.....as I am with all these men.....especially the married one. I'm not and will never be a homewrecker.

It's kind of nice to garner the attention of the unattached guys....

Hmmmmm

What Exactly Makes a Man Gay?

When I started this blog long ago, I promised to be me -- totally unvarnished, not air brushed -- warts and all. So this is going to be a discussion involving this.

I have been going through quite the dry spell lately when it comes to sexual play. It seems that I have lost interest in it since Dad passed away...and I have just felt a little on the "blah" side. Also, at 53, it's kind of easy to fall into a rut of believing that you are old....fat.....ugly....and undesireable, especially when one stacks me against all the pretty young things out there in the gay metropolis. I mean, actually, I don't look like I just stepped off the set of a hot porn movie!

Late last week, a friend of mine invited me to his house for a full-fledged sex party. (I know you're shocked.) He thought it would perk me up and give me that "spark" again.

So after several days of thought, I decided I would go. But, in the state of mind I was in, I had to work myself up to go.....and tell myself that it would be okay if I were rejected. I ordered myself to not take anything personally.

I showed up at my friend's house at the appointed time. There were about 30 beautiful men there of every size, shape, and age. I kind of hung back....because at these things, it is very easy to be shy....and I was painfully so. However, I have to say that I was very pleasantly surprised by all the attention I received. By the end of the party, I was walking on air. It was a great experience for me....and I felt desireable. The guys I played with made it clear that floated their boats! WOW!

While experiencing the party I observed one older man in particular. He was relatively attractive -- not my cup of tea -- but he had an interested entourage hovering around him being attentive. Several of them made the moves on this guy....and would move in to kiss him and he would stop them and say, "Hey bud, I'm not into that! I'm straight."

I was amazed at his comment.

I watched him out of the corner of my eye for at least two hours. Here he was...naked....surrounded by 30-40 other naked men. I saw him willingly enjoy m2m pleasures....everything that two men or more can do together. I even witnessed him licking spleans right and left. Performing fellatio. Giving and receiving anal stuff. Rimming anyone and everyone who would let him.

But if any guy approached his mouth, "Hey bud, I'm not into that! I'm straight."

I was totally amazed.

For me, kissing is the ultimate turnon in gay sex. I like being passionate and intimate with who I am with. Kissing another man is wonderful and makes my heart pound.

Is it the kissing that determines I am gay?

Obviously in his mind it did. It couldn't be anything else because he did all that gladly!

It is What it is!

This past Sunday I decided to sleep later than normal. I got to my church mid-way through the service. It was good to see everyone and to be around my friends. I even got to have lunch with one of my special guy friends and we got to catch up with what has been happening in our lives during the past few months.

The weekend was fairly uneventful. Heard from Bob several times via text. I invited him out to dinner on Sunday night. He then decided to come over to my house for the rest of the evening. He and I went on a brisk walk through my surrounding neighborhood. We then got to my place and settled in by watching some stuff I have on DVD. He stayed until well past midnight.

Monday I was quite busy -- it was my off day. He and I had no communication. Then, this morning, he contacted me by text and we talked some.

Deep down I feel like this is all a lost cause, but then...I hear from him....and he has all kinds of apologies for his silences and then will pick right up where we left off.

Clearly I am important to him on some level. It's just hard sometimes to figure out just what that level really is. So, I still try to relax and not get worked up by it all. Or to worry.

It is what it is!

He communicates frequently....and I'd like to think he does this more often than with the run-of-the-mill friend. He does seek me out to spend time with me. That indeed says something. He is a busy pastor with a large church...yet he carves out time to be with me. I am honored.

So, I try and relish that and to savor every moment I am with him.

To Church or Not!

Last Sunday I drove out to Bob's church. It was a good day and of course I enjoy watching him in his element. I kind of even like the feeling of stealthiness I feel when I am there. No one there knows that I am in any way affiliated with the pastor. This way I can be an impartial observer to things I wouldn't if folks knew that I have developed quite the friendship with him.

He, too, has said he likes this. I'm not too sure at how he looks at this friendship we have....but he does acknowledge the fact that he enjoys the fact that no one knows my connection to him. (On whatever level.)

So my mind kind of fast forwards a bit. If things were to really happen....and the pastor and I do become BFs or even 'partners', I think I would prefer to keep things on the downlow...at least for a while.

Bob seems to be very private. He has dated some very interesting folks along the way -- none affiliated with his churches...except one. This was the one I believe to have been the love of his life that ended rather tragically after only a very few years...Bob still talks about him in profound ways.

I guess if and when the time comes that Bob and I are a "couple"...I can cross the bridge when I get to it.

But for me....I would just be happy to be in his life....but not affiliated with his professional life.

Perhaps this was one of the mistakes I made early on with Lovey.

Sunday Morning -- Early

It has been a very quiet weekend thus far. I've been doing the usual cleaning....and taking things slowly. I've also had the opportunity of spending some time alone.

To think.

To pray.

To meditate.

Yes, I am a man of faith. Had it not been for my faith I dare say that I would not have been able to withstand the degree of loss I have experienced during the past 14 months or so. BUT...as I survey my life -- the good and the bad, I can't help but breathe a prayer of thanksgiving. I have certainly been blessed with a good life. I have built a wonderful circle of friends who love me; I continue to maintain close family relationships with my WV relatives and beyond. I even maintain a warm and close relationship with Mom O'Lovey.

Yesterday I dropped in to watch her being talked to by a fast-talking roofer. She needs a new roof and has been shopping around. Afterwards, she thanked me for being there for moral support....and to make sure that she was not being "hoodwinked"... She wasn't. She then asked if I would join their family for Christmas Day dinner. Of course, Lovey will be there...all my kids will be there....my niece and nephew and their two children will be there. My other nephew will be there. So, unless Bob decides to spend that day with me...I may go.

Following this discussion.....Mom O'Lovey comes up to me and puts her arm around me to say how very much she loves me and how glad she is that I am still in her family!Time certainly makes changes. Obviously I have healed from those awful days of the divorce. Yes, I am thankful.

About Bob...

The saga of Bob continues and I have to say that I am enjoying him so very much. Definitely this man is special. He warms my heart in quite profound ways.


I still do not have a clue as to where this is all headed.


But gosh...***SIGH***

I think in an earlier post I said that Bob came to my house for Thanksgiving. We had a special time. Then, this week I got a card in the mail thanking me for all the fun he had while here. I put it in my pile of cards to keep.

We have continued our texts....and phone calls......good nights.....good mornings....

Then we did something we haven't done before. We actually moved into different territory. He texted me and said that he was in town for some meeting or other...and asked if I cared to join him for lunch.

Is the Pope Catholic?

I jumped at the chance....and soon found myself sitting across the table from him as he filled me in on his day....his week.....and his church service that weekend. We did as we always do....we laughed and talked....and the time flew by.

Then he grew serious.

He had something he wanted to tell me.

It's something that only he and a couple of people know....and for the past little while it has been weighing on his mind.

I put down my fork...looked at him not knowing what to expect.

I won't violate his trust even here. It was way too personal....and yes I can understand why it was traumatic and all that. But I sat silently and hung on every word. When he finally finished...I suppose it was God who gave me the right things to say to comfort....to help....and yes, to even minister to this man.

It struck a chord obviously.....because he hung on every part of my response.....and then he fell apart and began sobbing.

Again, I didn't say anything...I allowed his tears to flow...

And in that moment, I wanted so badly to jump up and go to his side of the table to wrap my arms around him and to hold him. I wanted to kiss his forehead....and to brush his cheeks....and to say that "I'm here and it's going to be fine."

But I didn't.

This is in keeping with my earlier statements to him that I could love him from a distance and that I would not make any demands upon him...or become clingy.....or stalk him.....

Based on our earlier conversations, I want any relationship to develop based on his comfortableness. I want him to make the first move...or to tell me that he has arrived at some conclusions...

And then I can tell him of my feelings on that day.....and of what I wanted to do....and how badly I wanted to express my compassion....and yes, my love for him.

We left and he walked me to my car. There we embraced....and I felt his cheek next to mine....

WHEW!