Be Careful What You Ask For

For years now, as I write this blog, I have whined and gone on and on about my strong desire to have a man -- a boyfriend -- a partner -- a husband.  However you want to describe it.   So, back in late September, a man -- very close to my age, contacted me through one of those silly telephone apps on my IPhone.  One thing has led to another and I now find myself on the verge of a new adventure.  

And I am frightened.

Can you believe it?

You might be wondering what it is that has me so fearful.  Well, I guess when I think about it I see the ghosts of my previous relationships.  Namely that pesky longterm one I had with Lovey and you all know how successful that one turned out.

This man is a gentle spirit.  He is a giver.  He is sensitive.  He is so talented.  He travels in circles...and has many friends and I kind of shake my head and think sometimes that he is way out of my league.  He's been married twice.  His second wife was a minister in the United Methodist Church and graduated from the seminary that Lovey had worked at for so long.  

Our lives have tracked very closely on very similar paths...parallel through the years, until they finally intersected on September 26, 2012.

We like the same things.  He has no children.  I am only a few weeks older.  

And here we are.  I just don't want to do something wrong.  I feel such pressure.  

But there is another thing that bothers me.  

All the years I have searched for a special man....I spent a lot of time playing the field.  I know what I like.  I know the types of men I like.  I've been insatiable.  So, I question myself and wonder if I can really be monogamous...or will I suffer from what a lot of other gay men do.  

The desire for an open relationship.  Can I focus now on just one person?  (I think I can.)

Can I be faithful? (I think I can.)

Can I let my defenses down and learn to trust another human being after that terrible time period with Lovey?  When things I told her in private, suddenly became public knowledge for all to know and some of it was even used against me?  (I think I can.)

Can I let myself go and truly love again?  (I think I can.)

But I am afraid.  

Afraid of failure.

Afraid of commitment.

Afraid of being a disappointment.

Afraid of him and his circle being "out of my league."

What if I don't fit in?

What if I am not liked by "them?"

What if my kids don't like him? 

What if he does not like my kids?

What if his extended family do not like me?

I guess I will never know.

Unless I give it my best shot.

Thanks for your thoughts!

I have always loved the paintings of the late artist Steve Walker.  I found this video on YOU TUBE and thought I would share.  It speaks to me on so many levels.