I just returned from a trip to my hometown in WV. It was so very strange on so many levels. I had one task to do, which was having a gas leak repaired at the house I inherited from my parents. It is another ghost of repairs past made by my well meaning father.
The thing that really bothered me this time came in the form of those silly telephone apps that I have on my telephone. These apps are ways to meet other gay men in close proximity to where your phone is. Well, while I was in WV, I began receiving messages from closely and apparently very horny gay men. They were horny gay married men.
That doesn't surprise me....because most of the gay men in that area are deeply closeted.
I just decided to chat some of these guys up. But I was surprised by what they were looking for.
They were direct and to the point.
They wanted to meet me for sex....unprotected, barebacking, penetrative, gay sex with me. When I asked, "Aren't you concerned about the fact that you know nothing about me....you know nothing of my sexual history.....I could be crawling alive with all manner of disease....and then when you penetrate me...you are exposed. Then you take it home to your wife!"
Their response floored me. They each said that they weren't concerned or that it didn't matter!!!
I gracefully declined their offers.
My goodness....if this happens in my relatively small hometown....is that the feeling in the majority of the population in major areas like where I live? It scared the heck out of me.
Don't they care at all about their wives?
Monday, November 19, 2012
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Discussion with a Friend
I have a very good friend who is married to a woman and struggling with being gay. Sound familiar?
He is younger than me and lives in another state.
His wife found out about a year or so ago...and it has not been pretty. He really is struggling with things.
He travels much for his job. The type of men that float his boat are those who I identify as the exotic asian types. It strikes me that this is his ideal...yet, when he hooks up with one of those in another city, they treat him clinically. He has shared some emails with one guy in particular...and for all the feelings my friend had for this man -- well I was a bit taken aback by the tone of the email. It actually verged on the cusp of being cold. This was after my friend had spent several nights with him exchanging intimacy.
So my friend and I have been commiserating. I, with my Alex experience and he with his experience.
In the realm of the gay world, there probably isn't a man alive that doesn't have some type of a "perfect fantasy" guy in their head. Mine was always the muscular, massive chest, military type. But as I have journeyed towards acceptance of myself as a gay man, I realized that my fantasy and what actually was available did not always match up.
I had to make some concessions.
I also had to learn to accept myself and enjoy the man I have turned out to be. This self-acceptance and love for myself has gone such a long way in improving my self-esteem. I see it in my self-confidence. I even see it in my appearance and in photographs of myself. Other people notice it too!
I worry about my friend. He is at the stage where he appears to be fixated on his "type".
But someone who really cares may be under his nose and he just not see the forest for the trees.
I try to practice what I preach.
He is younger than me and lives in another state.
His wife found out about a year or so ago...and it has not been pretty. He really is struggling with things.
He travels much for his job. The type of men that float his boat are those who I identify as the exotic asian types. It strikes me that this is his ideal...yet, when he hooks up with one of those in another city, they treat him clinically. He has shared some emails with one guy in particular...and for all the feelings my friend had for this man -- well I was a bit taken aback by the tone of the email. It actually verged on the cusp of being cold. This was after my friend had spent several nights with him exchanging intimacy.
So my friend and I have been commiserating. I, with my Alex experience and he with his experience.
In the realm of the gay world, there probably isn't a man alive that doesn't have some type of a "perfect fantasy" guy in their head. Mine was always the muscular, massive chest, military type. But as I have journeyed towards acceptance of myself as a gay man, I realized that my fantasy and what actually was available did not always match up.
I had to make some concessions.
I also had to learn to accept myself and enjoy the man I have turned out to be. This self-acceptance and love for myself has gone such a long way in improving my self-esteem. I see it in my self-confidence. I even see it in my appearance and in photographs of myself. Other people notice it too!
I worry about my friend. He is at the stage where he appears to be fixated on his "type".
But someone who really cares may be under his nose and he just not see the forest for the trees.
I try to practice what I preach.
Lessons Learned
My experience with Alex taught me several things. It taught me just how important my friends are to me. It also taught me that it pays to be guarded with matters of the heart. Finally, it taught me that it is actually hard being gay.
At least in straight situations, the role models are firmly fixed. Society has put expectations on how those relationships are supposed to work. It also has set up various rituals or institutions to make sure they do work.
But gay relationships are fraught with all kinds of challenges. Not only do we have to seek out role models....that are not always easy to find, but due to the marginalization and abuse of gay people emotionally...physically...psychologically...well...gay folks potentially can bring a ston of baggage to a relationship -- some of it not even rational.
Alex made it known that he thought I was perfect. I was wonderful. The sun rose and set with me....and on and on and on and on.
So much so, that I had many red flags to go off in my head. I thought..."wow, if this man, that I don't know, can be this easily smitten by the likes of me...well, then he can fall out of love or whatever with me just as fast...or find someone else." Thus, I kept my guard up.
Totally.
So as I process all this...and hopefully one day meet someone with whom I can have a wonderful relationship....I have to wonder if what I look for really exists? I mean...I want a man that will care for me as much as I care for him. I want to matter to someone else. It would really be nice to be treated as number one in someone's heart and life for a change....rather than leftover...or pushed to the end of the line or just taken for granted.
I remember that while dating Lovey, she made it a point to tell me that her ministry would always come first. Dumb and naive me thought...well...I'll be occasionally number one. True love conquers all. Boy, was I wrong on that. In 25.5 years, I NEVER came first.
It may be unrealistic...but I won't settle for this ever again.
For the right man, I will move heaven and earth to be there for him. To honor him. To cherish him. To be there for him in good and bad times. To be there in sunshine and rain. To love unconditionally. To accept any shortcomings and not try and change him into the man that I want him to be.
Isn't this is what love and relationships are all about?
Or am I being Pollyanna?
At least in straight situations, the role models are firmly fixed. Society has put expectations on how those relationships are supposed to work. It also has set up various rituals or institutions to make sure they do work.
But gay relationships are fraught with all kinds of challenges. Not only do we have to seek out role models....that are not always easy to find, but due to the marginalization and abuse of gay people emotionally...physically...psychologically...well...gay folks potentially can bring a ston of baggage to a relationship -- some of it not even rational.
Alex made it known that he thought I was perfect. I was wonderful. The sun rose and set with me....and on and on and on and on.
So much so, that I had many red flags to go off in my head. I thought..."wow, if this man, that I don't know, can be this easily smitten by the likes of me...well, then he can fall out of love or whatever with me just as fast...or find someone else." Thus, I kept my guard up.
Totally.
So as I process all this...and hopefully one day meet someone with whom I can have a wonderful relationship....I have to wonder if what I look for really exists? I mean...I want a man that will care for me as much as I care for him. I want to matter to someone else. It would really be nice to be treated as number one in someone's heart and life for a change....rather than leftover...or pushed to the end of the line or just taken for granted.
I remember that while dating Lovey, she made it a point to tell me that her ministry would always come first. Dumb and naive me thought...well...I'll be occasionally number one. True love conquers all. Boy, was I wrong on that. In 25.5 years, I NEVER came first.
It may be unrealistic...but I won't settle for this ever again.
For the right man, I will move heaven and earth to be there for him. To honor him. To cherish him. To be there for him in good and bad times. To be there in sunshine and rain. To love unconditionally. To accept any shortcomings and not try and change him into the man that I want him to be.
Isn't this is what love and relationships are all about?
Or am I being Pollyanna?
Monday, November 12, 2012
Gay Male Dating Strangeness
At the men's retreat I recently attended, I was somewhat pleased with myself. I was actually dating a guy that I had met about two weeks before. We hit it off. We were enjoying our time together. We went to movies…..went to dinner…..went to lunch….had dates…. We were always in touch! He chose not to attend with me.....
BUT
The weekend of the retreat I was tremendously disturbed at his behavior….he grew silent….almost sullen. I could not reach him during my time at the hotel. Then when I returned home…and was able to talk to him again…..everything seemed ok. But the feeling nagged me. He was not pleased that I had friends….and that I was spending time that weekend with a whole nest of gay men.
I suppose he thought it was just one massive orgy.
We got that all straightened out. He seemed ok
Then last weekend, I went off to a Church Retreat with 25 other gay people….mostly women. We spoke via apple FACETIME…..and it just went down hill. He got really almost hateful….and controlling…..
It was clear that he did not really like that I have friends.
So I was forced to choose between this very special man….that I thought was "the one"….or my dear friends — the people in my life that are closer than family. In fact, I consider them to be my family. They have loved me for years…..they have encouraged me through my times of questioning….through my separation and awful divorce…..and the devastating illnesses of my parents and their subsequent deaths.
One week ago today he sent me an email to say I was disinvited from spending several days at his beach home last week. So, I responded, "You're right. I don't think I need to be there this week."
Nothing more.
My friends won out.
I spent 25.5 years in a controlling environment. Not going there again.
Just a bit wistful tonight and thought I'd share
BUT
The weekend of the retreat I was tremendously disturbed at his behavior….he grew silent….almost sullen. I could not reach him during my time at the hotel. Then when I returned home…and was able to talk to him again…..everything seemed ok. But the feeling nagged me. He was not pleased that I had friends….and that I was spending time that weekend with a whole nest of gay men.
I suppose he thought it was just one massive orgy.
We got that all straightened out. He seemed ok
Then last weekend, I went off to a Church Retreat with 25 other gay people….mostly women. We spoke via apple FACETIME…..and it just went down hill. He got really almost hateful….and controlling…..
It was clear that he did not really like that I have friends.
So I was forced to choose between this very special man….that I thought was "the one"….or my dear friends — the people in my life that are closer than family. In fact, I consider them to be my family. They have loved me for years…..they have encouraged me through my times of questioning….through my separation and awful divorce…..and the devastating illnesses of my parents and their subsequent deaths.
One week ago today he sent me an email to say I was disinvited from spending several days at his beach home last week. So, I responded, "You're right. I don't think I need to be there this week."
Nothing more.
My friends won out.
I spent 25.5 years in a controlling environment. Not going there again.
Just a bit wistful tonight and thought I'd share
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