Working on me...

So, I haven't written in a while.  Rather than writing about the same old tired theme of not having love in my life.  Having tons of mangled dates.  Meeting a host of game players and users.  I thought it would be best to remain silent, until I had something more substantive to write about.  

Today, I have several things to write.  

Here goes….

As I have spilled my guts in writing for this blog, you know my ups and my downs.  Rather than trying to come off as wonderful airbrushed gay guy, who has finally come to terms with the loss of his marriage, who is now living a perfect and happy life, and life is all peachy keen deluxe, it has been filled with lots of twists and turns.  

And I have not hid any of my feelings and I have worked to be honest and to be real, and let you see my life and all the rough edges.  

In taking this approach, I've received feedback from some of you -- mostly affirming and encouraging.  But, then there were others of you who accused me of lying or writing a "bunch of crock" -- probably because my life has not made sense to you…or it doesn't match your view of how a life such as mine should be.  

I'm far from perfect.  I hope that you see that in all my writings here. I'm still a work in progress.

Here goes my latest installment.

I had a boyfriend once.  I've written about him in this blog.  We met at a gay married men's support group in 1997.  He was married.  I was married.  His wife knew.  My wife knew.  My wife supported me in this relationship…  It lasted for 12 years -- until the day he spoke the words "Frank, you're now a single gay man.  We're out of synch.  You deserve someone in your life full time.  I can't be that someone because I can't leave my family and wife for you.  So, this needs to end."  

I hadn't made any demands.  In fact, I remember saying, "Well Gee….can't we keep this going the way it has been going.  I'm not ready and I don't want to have another relationship right away."  He refused. He would not be with a single gay man.

So it ended.  Much to my sadness.  l fell into a 3 month fling with another much younger and single man from my church.  It was a fling -- plain and simple.  He and I were only together 3 months and he ran off with my then best friend -- also from church.  

So, I have spent the last 5 years trying to fill the void.  It hasn't happened.

My former BF took up with an older and a single gay man.  He's still married.    When this relationship began, I have to admit that I was deeply troubled.  He had made such a big deal of the fact that I was single and he was married…and that we were out synch….when he began dating this other single guy….it hit me wrong….and I immediately ran to the place:  "What's wrong with me?"  

Still I soldiered on.  I put on a happy face.  I never let him see how much this has bothered me.  As time has progressed, I have healed very nicely.

But today was an unusually bad day.  You see, since I'm on the board of directors of my church, I here from the Pastor frequently.  He keeps the board posted on news affecting the church.  He sent an email this morning announcing that my former BF's mom passed away.

She had and I had a fairly decent relationship.  I visited her at the nursing home several times.  Her mind was going..but she was always happy to have me come by.  In fact, my ex-BF does not know all the times I dropped by her room.  It broke my heart to see her fading.

Today, when I got the news, I can't describe how I felt.  It tore open all the wounds of the loss of my parents.  It hurt that I had not heard the news directly from him.  I sent messages of my condolences to him.  My kids also sent theirs.  

But it left me feeling so empty.

And so profoundly sad.  

It wrecked me today.  But I was successful in going on about my day and not allowing my feelings affect my work.  

I know what it's like to have love.  I know what it's like to have a relationship that grows and grows….

I also know what it's like to be alone.

A single gay man.

Send positive thoughts and prayers in my direction.  While I could be selfish and request that you pray I find a new bf, I realize that I'm older.  Because I'm no longer in the youthful generation, my pool of datable men gets smaller each passing day.  I'm happy being me.  So, I won't ask for you to pray that I'll find a mate.