Arriving at Sad Conclusions

This has been quite a busy week for me. At the beginning of it, I learned from my boss that I am being reassigned into a new job effective on Monday. My boss says that because I'm a good manager, I need to take over a different unit to help undo damage done by a bi-polar mess that left us two weeks ago for a new job herself. The BP has done significant damage to the unit, and it is going to take some time. I anticipate having to work there for at least 6 months. So everyone keep your fingers crossed for me!

This past Tuesday, I underwent cataract surgery in my right eye. It was scary for me in that I did not know what to expect. As a result of the stress, my sugar levels went crazy. But I'm happy to report that all went well. I can see beautifully out of my right eye. I can officially begin to drive again on Monday. The doctor is working to schedule my left eye to remove he cataract from there too. So look out!

While being away from work this week, I've been binge walking that old TV series, QUEER AS FOLK. I watched all five seasons of it. I had to chuckle because, at the time, I was very taken with it...couldn't relate to much of it...and was overly amazed by the portrayal of gay male relationships. This was because that during its run, I couldn't relate to the relationship aspect. I had no friends. I remember thinking how this group of male friends cold be so close without having some mass orgy every Friday night! LOL. You see, up until that time, I thought being gay was all about getting laid. I didn't think much about the feelings and commitments that people make. I guess I was in the heart of gay adolescence.

In this viewing of the series, I found myself longing to be Emmitt -- not swishy and queeny, but to have a man in my life like he was able to snag with the pro football player. Although the football player identified as not gay...but liked "having fun" with other guys...he deeply cared for Emmitt...and ultimately came out...and acknowledged his feelings...and his genuine care for Emmitt.

Gosh, why couldn't I find a man like him. Oh, not a pro football player....but just a really good man that is willing to connect emotionally and deeply on levels beyond the physical connection that takes place in bed.

As the series progressed, I guess in some respects I'm more like Ted. The geeky older accountant who always seems to find the wrong men. Then, when he meets someone he really thinks may be the one, something happens from left field that derails the relationship. Gosh, I don't want to be him! I don't ever want to come off as desperate. After all, I'm not really. I just hear the clock ticking as I become older and older. With each passing day, it seems my options shrink more and more and the likelihood of meeting the one grow remoter.

So, I've decided to back away from the hunt for a boyfriend. I've wasted so much time and energy with nothing to show for it. It hurts. But, I have a full life and refuse to lower my standards or hook up with someone out of desperation.

Sad, but true.