Back to the Drawing Board

So, here I sit trying to come to terms with the fact that Chris ended things. April 8 he did it...then moved out on May 10.

I'm a bit in shock. I just don't understand...especially with the strong feelings he had expressed to me and had shared with you in his post here.

So, I won't pretend that I know the reasons. I don't. I know what some of the things he said..but they don't really make sense. My birthday was a fiasco. My kids and he did not get along...but to them, he was a complete and total stranger, who moved in too fast...and tried to be their pal. He got upset because of this...and I told him that he and I were in relationship...not with them. They would come around...and they would have.

I suspect there were other factors...including the fact that on April 17 and 18, I went into two diabetic comas that left me near death. My sugars dropped unexpectedly and I wound up in the hospital for a week. My BP went through the roof...and they had a hard time keeping my sugars up.

So that was scary.

Perhaps in his sight, I'm nothing more than damaged goods.

I dunno.

I tried so hard...

I'm still in shock. I'm doing much better health wise....but he is gone. Sad to say, I was in pretty bad condition since last summer when Stan got married to his SCRUFF trick. I thought it was my emotions that were wreaking havoc with me...but it was my diabetes. My fog has lifted and I feel much, much better.

But emotionally I feel empty...I'm somewhat distraught. When he left, I immediately put up a profile on SCRUFF...and posted an ad on Craigslist. Primarily out of hurt. I just needed to have a mindless release with some male figure that would make my hurt go away.

Chris saw them and now accuses me of not really loving him as much as I said I did...

My point is why should he care? I did not do any of these things until he walked away. I ditched my profiles on SCRUFF, GROWLR, GRINDR, JACKD', MISTER, MATCH, and SILVERDADDIES, when he and I started our relationship. He never gave up SCRUFF but remained on it the whole time. He said he was looking for friends for us.

He just doesn't get the profound hurt that I'm undergoing. The stark sadness. The feeling of failure. The feeling of being damaged goods. My counselor says that the situation says more about him...than me. But there is very little solace in that if in fact that is all true.

I feel like a failure. All my relationships have failed after all and I'm the one constant.

He also continued to have long telephone calls with his ex BF from out of state. I dare say that person knew more about me and our situation than I did. He also remained in close contact with his ex-wife...who didn't particularly care for me. She kept likening me to his first male lover...who was not a popular item in the family. (I'm nothing like that one.) I feel that he allowed all of them to plant doubts of some kind about us.

So, I'm back at square one.

My one solace is that I've had two wonderful men to say to me privately how much they love me and wish they could be there for me...but their life situations won't allow that to happen in a substantial way.

I do understand that...but I appreciate their sincere concern and for them to bare their souls to me. It has taken away my feelings of inadequacy...and my shortcomings...

Still it pains me to think of Chris...