Happy New Year — Almost

Well.   After a year and a half from the point of my bowing to do a much better job of writing, I’m back.  Not quite sure if any of you are still there to read my ramblings, but here goes. 

Had quite the cancer scare after my last post here.   Was told I had liver cancer as shown by a super tiny lesion on said organ.  Had a super doctor who made it go away.   So on each regular scan since, all is well.    My donated kidney keeps humming along.   So I feel unusually blessed.  

As a gay man, I can honestly say that I am out to all my friends and the family in WV.  Yup. That’s a big story.  As you may remember I am an only child.   My parents are deceased.  The only family I have are remaining extended family in WV.   Since coming out all I have received is silence.    Even when I was in the hospital with kidney transplant surgery, silence.   Couldn’t even get any of them to decorate my parents’ grave once in a while not far from where they all live.   

In case you failed to get the memo, I’m now a servant of Saran now cause I’m gay.  I’ve turned my back on the Lord and similar Malarkey.  Very few of my moms family have said anything or to offer any support.  One beach though has been so wonderful.    One of my cousins there was the first person I told.   Turns out she has a gay son and there are tons of other gay relatives on that side.   They all provided unfailing support. Mom would have been proud of that group.    Dads side is much more widespread.   So his family’s support has been spotty at best.   I once owned a 1/8 interest in my grandparents 70+ acres in the middle of no where WV.   The cousins responsible for collecting and paying  the yearly tax bill dropped me from the notification list I assume be cause they are so holy and righteous they can’t deal with a gay man.   Others gave me the hate the sin love the sinner speeches or the I DONT SUPPORT YOUR LIFESTYLE CHOICE.  My favorite came from an in-law that I’ve never had a conversation with. Sh said her parents raised her to not say anything at all if she had nothing good to say. So she would be silent. 

So I was bewildered and hurt especially those who made fun of me and said under their breaths that they wished I had killed myself on one of those bad days.     And this is how people from WV really feel when they tell you how much they love you. 

NO THANK YOU. 

So I’ve been working to quietly extricate myself from those ties. 

How you might ask?

First, I had my parents moved from the awful place they were in and moved to a cemetery only 1 mile from my front door.  

Second, I GAVE my interest in the family farm to a relative for nothing.  It meant nothing to me. It’s value is nil.   The minerals have been siphoned off.   Liability is too much of. A headache and it is another tie to back there I’m not willing to maintain. 

Third, my parents home is being totally renovated for sale.   I had kept it as a rental property but when the two long term tenants died of Covid in 2020 I decided I don’t want it any more.   Hopefully it will be sold in the coming year for a good price.  

This leaves my Florida property in Hawthorne FL.   I plan to donate it for a tax write off. 

So then I am Wv free!!

Dave and I are still together.    It’s a good life. 

The One Who Got Away -The Next Chapter

I've decided to provide some more information about a gentleman who has reappeared in my life.  

We've known each other for at least 7 or so years.  He and I originally became acquainted online.  I was recovering from my parents' death and peripheral issues.  But we started conversing and there was something indeed very special about him that I could sense.  Over time, he provided contact information and asked to keep in touch.  

At the time, I was so consumed by all my drama, that I failed to do that right away and lost his information.  We also lost track of each other.  Sadly, I always viewed him as the "one that got away."  I long regretted not pursuing him.

So about two months ago, he surfaced again!  I could not believe my eyes.  This time I reach out to him and started to chatting.  He remembered me!  Hurdle number one was crossed.  

Once again he provided all of his contact information.  This time I gladly kept safe and began writing and texting him.   I had not told him of my feelings and decided to play it cool that is until one of our conversations in mid-June took a dark turn.  He mentioned that he was considering suicide because he was a man who couldn't seem to get his life together...and that being gay on top of it was just too much.

It caused a knee jerk reaction in me...and I spilled the beans.  It seemed like an eternity for him to respond to my message.  I thought...WOW...why would this man who is out of my league on so many levels ever be interested in the likes of me??  

When he responded, whatever I said to him must have really struck a chord.  He said, "No one has ever said anything like that to me before."  Well, he didn't say go away.  LOL.

Since that time, we're almost at two months and counting.  Something is definitely happening to us both.  I have feelings that I've not really had before.  We're communicating daily.   I like how I'm feeling.  Our telephone conversations are marathons.  AND how they fly by!   We write.  We text.  We call.  COVID has limited any other contact.  That is probably a blessing....because we're getting to know each other in a deeply personal and intimate way before anything physical occurs.

I'm hopeful.

Send me some positive vibes people!

Intimacy

Now I'm going to return to the main point of this blog -- being gay.   Through the years I've found it to be fun and not so fun.  

There are the drawbacks.  If you were a pleaser, as I was, before coming out broadly, I found myself fearful of what others were going to think of me.  I was sure that when my friends and family found out who I was really on the inside, they would mark me off as a pervert and I'd be alone.  

Over time, though I have learned that I have built a very strong support system of friends that I refer to as my family of choice.  They truly understand my struggles and my fears and have been with me though a a hunk of my journey which really began with the separation on June 9, 2005.   It's kind of hard to believe that it is now 15 years since that momentous evening.  The pain from the hurt of that evening stung -- very deeply.  It seemed to linger forever.  

One of the first things that I learned was that I needed to learn how to be gay -- in a measured way.  One of my friends at that time laughed at me.  Later upon reflection, he thought that was quite profound.  You see, being gay is more that sex or what position you prefer or whether you choose to fly your rainbow flag or not.  I explained to LOVEY the other day that it's more about how you see the world.  When I was "straight" it was like looking through an ancient small screen black and white TV.  You saw black and white with some shades of gray in between.

But, when you realize who you really are, and you accept yourself "lock, stock and barrel" and come to the place where you can celebrate your difference without fear or shame...well, it's like sitting down in front of an 80"" flatscreen HD tv for the first time  It's breath taking.

So I spent those early years of separation and divorce exploring the gay world....not only in sexual ways...but reading about gay history.....gay culture.....gay films....famous gay people....etc.  It was eye opening.  

Part of this journey included a search for intimacy.  Although I always equated sex with intimacy, I've come to learn that there is so much more to intimacy than taking your clothes off for another person and getting down to business.  

I want the kind of relationship with a man that is sexual of course   I want to feel what it's like to fall asleep in his arms or he in mine and then, in the morning awaken to find him there by my side, excited about starting another day together.  I want a man to hold tightly.  When something goes wrong and I need to have an ugly cry, I can bury myself in his chest and feel him comforting me.  I want a man in my life permanently.

I've dated and hooked up with a lot go men during these 15 years -- some good...some bad.  The majority of those men seem to have trouble with intimacy.  Oh they can do sex at the drop of a hat.  But if you mention anything any deeper than that they are ready to head for the hills.  It's sad actually because I believe that if you have an emotional spark or connection or chemistry -- however you wish to label it -- it makes the physical expression so much better  Is that word demisexual?

One of my friends wrote this recently about intimacy:  "While sex is important, I don't think it is where intimacy begins.  Intimacy begins with getting to know someone.  Yes, there needs to be a basic attraction or feeling of closeness with a person, but that attraction is more than sexual."

Sadly in gay life a vast majority of gay men have their "type" and refuse to waver from it.  It seems to me to be so shallow.  For a season one could be into a man that falls 100% into your type....but once the groan stops the body fluids have spurted, how is he outside of bed?  Can you talk about things?  Do you have similar hobbies and interests that will help a relationship go the distance?

Some anonymous hookups can be intensely intimate.  In that moment you can feel very close to  him--even powerfully so, but when it's over, after you've shared the most personal part of your body with him, it's amazing how quickly the wall of coldness and distance arise.  It's a lot like he's flipped a light switch, turned off, shut down, and become distant and cold after he is "done." Suddenly it becomes all business and the transaction is closed.  

This is why I hate mindless, meaningless and mechanical  sex because it makes me feel used and abandoned.  

I want intimacy from just one special person.  

 

A Much Better Day

Today was much better all the way around.  I awoke early and then headed to the County Courthouse to get copies of my divorce decree and my settlement agreement to provide to my attorney who is drawing up the paper work to get me released from the alimony portion of what is expected of me upon retirement. This will greatly help me prepare for retirement--whenever that is.

I then took all the  paperwork and the other information requested and dropped it by my attorney's office across town.  Came home, had lunch and commenced work in my home office.

As I contemplated my liver situation, I had a calm to envelope me.  So I refuse to worry about it.  I'm praying that the mysterious spot on my liver is a nodule.  I'm praying that it will go away and at a minimum it will reduce in size during this 3 months.  If not, I hope that it stays the same size and no new tumors appear.   So I am hopeful.

I've heard from a boatload of folks wishing me well and encouraging me too.  I feel very blessed indeed.

Today was a MUCH better day.

A Lot Going On

It's Thursday Night, late.  I've had one of those days that are never good.  

Since my transplant last year, I've noticed that the meds I'm on play with moods...no wonder they tell us to beware of suicidal thoughts and depression.  They've even talked about volatile mood swings and sad to say, I've seen that happen to me too.  

Thankfully I've learned to combust slowly and to talk myself down when I have to.  But there are tomes where to emerges so quickly, I don't have the opportunity to grab hold of myself and downshift.

Today that happened.

It came about in a back handed way that was totally unexpected.

I had a big medical appointment.  I felt alone....no one could go with me.  I was scared at what I would find out and wished a million times I had had someone there with me to offer moral support.    But as with most things, I found myself negotiating the information I received as best as I could.  I walked out to my car and wept.  

It was not a pretty cry.  In the words of Oprah Winfrey, it was an "ugly cry."

The news I received was this.  This particular consultation was with a LIVER surgeon.  Its purpose was to figure out next steps after the surprising diagnosis I received about three weeks ago.  

I found out that i have a 50/50 chance of cancer.  They can't biopsy the lesion because they would picture the wall that keeps the tumor intact and if it is cancerous, that action would stop my chances for having a transplant.  It would release the cancer and then we'd have a mess.

They could zap the lesion and destroy it, BUT my cirrhosis could cause a decrease in liver function....requiring a transplant -- which by the way means death to the liver recipient after 12 months in 15% of cases due to complications.

I finally decided to tae a wait and see approach.  My lesion is at 1. cm.  It could just be a nodule and nothing more.  I want to be reevaluated in October with scans, blood work and an analysis of my liver working

So this is all so scary.  

I ran and grabbed lunch...then drove home to get online and do a virtual presentation with a group of about 25 high school interns at my agency.  I sailed onto the session did my thing.  

Afterwards, I got a real bad comment from a coworker....and I exploded.  I overreacted.  I pitched a real fit.  Totally unlike me.  I signed off abruptly.  Left my desk and went to my bathroom and had another ugly cry and sat down in the floor and tried to get myself together.  I was shaking.  I was a mess.  

Meanwhile, I started getting phone calls from friends and family.  So rather than stay off the grid.  I dried my tears....put my best foot forward, and answered all the questions about how the visit went.    I then heard from my advocate who private a lot of encouragement.  Her name is Danielle, and she gave lots of good medical info that helped to feel better.

Its amazing, because with my transplant, and now the liver issues, I feel so much like damaged goods.  Although I've been searching for a special someone for a long time, I find myself wanting to run to the fact that because I feel damaged, the next logical question is "Who in the world wants damaged goods?"

Silly I know, but about a month and a half ago, I met a man wh seemed interested in me, but when he found out that I had a transplant, with tastefully appointed scar, and a concern about the liver, he said that "he would have to take a pass."  

Brutal, huh?

So as the afternoon progressed, I had calmed down.  I told my colleague about all that I was going through...and I apologized for my overreaction.  I felt lower than low.   But after a long discussion with him, we made it good....  

He also apologized.  

So as I prepare for bedtime, I'm more upbeat.  I feel that I have made the right choice.  So I refuse to let this bring me down.  I'm going to remain positive  

I want to live long and happy.

On another topic, my ex-wife, LOVEY (remember her?) sent me an email message last night that came from left field.  She told me that she did not want me to continue to pay alimony once I retire.  She said she would be totally happy with the portion of the retirement annuity she demanded during our divorce 12 years ago.  So I contacted my divorce attorney, and she is willing to draw up the court documents to be signed by a judge to protect me from any possible flighty change of mind Lovey may have going forward. So I plan to get this off and running tomorrow morning.   We'll see.

So I'm in a mellow place at the moment.  I'm not afraid and I trod on.  

"The One Who Got Away"

So in the midst of the storms of my health concerns, today was a great day.  COVID-19 has forced me to telework since March 12.  Due to my immune suppression, I'm a prime target, and therefore I have no set day to return to my office setting.  So, I'm blessed because my office has provided me all the equipment I need to be able to work totally from home.  I have my laptop from the office.  I have a set of dual monitors like I have at my offie and a docking station that hooks it all together.

Additionally, I have fast internet service and am able to carry on just as if I'm right there in my office at 400 7th Street, SW in Washington DC.

While working, it seems that I am far busier hear at thehouse than I am at the office.  I'm having constant meetings via SKYPE FOR BUSINESS or ZOOM or WEBEX.  Occasionally I'll get FACETIME Calls on my cellphone from friends and family.  Depending on what I'm doing, i have tons of things that keep me more than gainfully employed.

I still really relish the work I do.  It keeps me focused and I don't have time to think on my worries.

I worry about the liver.  Yesterday I received a package of information from Georgetown Medical and it was all Transplant related.  I really don't relish going through that red tape again.  You get poked, prodded, pilfered, inspected, scanned, biopsied, and God knows what else.  It will take about 6 months to be listed, then I can accept a transplant preferably from a living donor.    My insurance will cover everything for the donor.  They will receive all testing, treatment, sagery, hospitalization a no charge.  My insurance will cover them and me.  I am so thankful that I have good health insurance.

The big meeting takes place on July 1, 2020.  So I will definitely keep you posted.

Today was also a good day in that I got to spend some significant time on the telephone with the guy that I mentioned in the last post.  He is such a good man and he has helped to restore my thoughts of my fellow gay men.  

He is someone that I met virtually circa 2012.  This was in direct aftermath following the loss of my parents and the liquidation of their estate.  One day we struck up a conversation when I was going through a series of bad days related to their deaths.  I really was in a bad way.  But he was kind to talk me down and to offer to help in any way he could.  He gave me his email address.  His cellphone number and said that I should contact him and wanted to get to know me better.    But, I was not in the frame of mind to ever take him up on that.  As luck would have it, I lost all that valuable contact information.  Always viewed him as the one that got away.  The group we had been part of fell on hard times and I never heard from him again.  I thought of him a number of times...and just shook my head.  Yup, he definitely got away.

Fast forward to early June 2020.  One night my email pinged and I received an email from the old group!  It had returned on a new more friendly platoform than its old one.    So I joined.  There I found a lot of the old gang, but in the back of my mind, I wondered where "the one that got away" was.  I did not dare ask about him, because I wanted to keep my feelings secret at all costs.  

About three days later, he popped up!  I couldn't believe it.  I was afraid.  What if he had changed.  What if he was not interested in me.  What if he had forgotten me.  A million questions fluttered across my mind.  Still I reached out.

His response was somewhat lukewarm.  I was hurt, but I didn't let on and I just thought, "Well at least I can enjoy his friendship and watch his journey from afar...and being the man of faith I am, I would leave it to God."  

One afternoon we were chatting online.  In one portion of that conversation, the door opened for me to say something.  I leveled with him.  Told him that I viewed him as "The One Who Got Away." It amazed him. He was pleasantly shocked.  

Since then, he and I have grown closer.  We've shared stories from our youth, our hopes and dreams

It a good relationship/friendship.  There's a lot of things we must navigate...so I'm leaving it in God's hands.  My new friend has many decisions to make and I'm in no pace to dictate.  I know how I want things to work out.  But I can't say it to him.  That would place undue pressure on him.  

So this could turn into a wonderful relationship  with potential to take me to the end of my life.  OR it could all evaporate in a flash due to the obstacles. 

God knows.  At least I've reconnected with "The One That Got Away."

July 1, 2020

July 1, 2020 is going to be my big day.  That's the date that is set for my marathon meeting of the entire liver transplant team at Georgetown University Hospital in Washington, DC.  It will be held via ZOOM.  Both my daughters who are currently in Nashville TN will also be on the call as well.  Modern technology is so wonderful during this Pandemic.  I'm thankful that they will be there to ask their myriad of questions.

To be honest, I am a bit frightened by all this.  Primarily because I feel very much in the dark about the future.  Whether I really have cancer or not?  Is it curable if I do?  Can it metastasize? What are my options?  Do I have to have a transplant?  And the list goes on and on and on...

So I have decided to take it a day and a time.  Enjoy the experience of feeling well.  And then when I receive news to worry about, i can then begin to worry.  But not today.

One ray of sunshine today, I got my test results back from my bloodwork from yesterday.  The liver enzymes have dropped a bit.  One number is at the highest part of normal.  The other is still over, but it has dropped some 30 points.  So that's good.  

But then we have the lesion still to deal with.

I wonder if they can remove the lesion...but then how do they know that the cancer isn't still lurking deep within the liver?  See I can go into all the negatives quite quickly.  So I need to stop.

Life is about to get good I believe.  I have a man in my life that I have truly flipped over.  But there are lots of hurdles to cross, decisions to make, and my health issues to overcome.  Not sure how this will play out...but all I know it feels awfully good to have a man in my life that has great potential to be something strong and steady in my life....and hopefully he feels the same way about me.  He's very reserved and protective of himself.  I totally get it.  We talk everyday.  We text every day.  

Just knowing he's there...and thinking about me....does work wonders.

More later.  

Scare #2 -- Happy Kidneyversary

Today is the first anniversary of my receiving my kidney, but yesterday was a frightening day.  I had just started coming to terms with the possible liver cancer, when my telephone rang mid-afternoon.

It was my kidney transplant coordinator.  I got a lecture from her about not returning her calls.  I showed no missed calls from her.  It appears that perhaps my spam call software blocked the calls and they never registered -- I have since ditched the software

After we got that settled, my biopsy on my kidney shows signs of rejection!

EEK.  I freaked out!

She ran down this long list of everything I had to do medicine wise.  These included:  going back to an anti rejection med that caused extreme bone aches.  Taking 40 mg Prednisone this week...30mg next week, 20 mg the following week, and then 10 thereafter.  I was then put on 20mg of lasix to elimate retention of fluid.  Finally I needed to contact my endocrinologist to see what adjustments I should take to counter the increase of glucose in my system due to the prednisone and how I should adjust my insulin.  the endocrinologist scheduled me for a 5:30 appt, but then their internet service crashed.  It was rescheduled for 6:30....but she never showed!  

so I rushed to the pharmacy got the prednisone.  I had oodles of the old immune suppressants drug already.  

I called the coordinator back.  This time some of the shock had worn off and I was over my panic attack.  She explained that my recent biopsy revealed the rejection.  But that while we didn't want this to continue,  it did not mean I was in danger of losing my kidney.  It just flagged the need to make adjustments to my meds.  So that made things a lot better for me.  So I'm on day two of the change in meds.  I feel great.  Everyone says that I'm looking great.  I feel great....no symptoms of liver problems or kidney issues.  

WHEW!

So keep me in your thoughts and prayers as we journey on.

Friday

Happy Friday All

After 14 years of this blog and with it's new beginning I thought I would give it a facelift  Hope you like it.

It has been quite a busy day here.  Today was my day off but sadly, since I've been working from home totally since March 12, 2019, I find myself looking in on the office and the email flow and related things.  No wonder I feel so stressed out.  I can't seem to get any alone time.

My eldest twin, Jessica, is currently visiting her younger (by 30 seconds) sister in Nashville, TN.  Laura and her husband were married in 2016.  They just welcomed their first child on May 19 and of course, I can't travel due to the virus.  So she went down -- she drove and will be there until next weekend.    She and her sister are keeping me entertained with FaceTime visits and so I get to see the grandson as he grows.  It's really quite cool!

I'm doing okay.  Georgetown Hospital called me today to fill me in on what the plan is about the liver.  The nurse said that she was awaiting faxes of my records to them.  Once her doctors and surgeons had an opportunity for a look see, they will come up with a treatment plan.   We will then have a ZOOM meeting to discuss and I can ask all the questions I need to.

Talking with the nurse today did make me feel better.  She said that having a transplant is not the only treatment available, but the surgeon would determine that once they figured out a strategy.  As suspected, getting a liver is easier than getting a kidney.  The wait time is generally 6-12 months.  The donor's liver will regenerate.  And if I understood correctly, the portion of the liver that is introduced into my body will also regenerate.    So that's good news.

So I wait

Keep praying for me you all  I'm a fighter...so I don't plan to give up on this fight!

I promise to get back to subject more related to the gay thing soon.  Just bear with me as I deal with this current issue.

I've been hearing from people.  I'm sorry that I lost so many readers.  Hopefully they will come back..

Here We Go Again!

So this is Frank....after all these years.  I'm still standing after all the drama I've lived and experienced , I'm here.  Happy to be alive.   Ready to experience love and to be with one man until either one of us moves to the next plain to await the arrival of the other.  This journey at times has been so discouraging.  As you can see if you have spent tie in my blog, I have been smitten by some really gorgeous hunks.  Likewise you have seen those to blow up into my face with great fanfare.  In one case I gave space to Chris, the man I was sure was "the one".  He even wrote in his own words that I was his one.

Well we saw how all that worked out.  He definitely was not as he had billed himself.  My kids staged an intervention on that one and told me that he was not the one.  They knew well before my lightbulb went off in my head. 

After that relationship blew into smithereens, his former partner contacted me to say this was not any of my fault...that this is how he operated.    That was quite an interesting conversation I had with him. All the stuff Chris had said about him had been inaccurate --SURPRISE!  SURPRISE!

He was only one of many sad disappointments.  one had been incarcerated on a felony, another one ran off with my then best friend, still another decided to have an anonymous hookup, only running out the door the next morning to marry him.

I've certainly experienced the agony and the ecstasy of gay life -- for sure.

Physically I've never taken very good care of myself.  At least not until I got the wake up call that the kidneys were crap.  I was assured that I would go on dialysis for a minimum of 7 years -- until I could get a cadaver kidney.   But I beat all the odds and received a kidney from a living donor on the day that my regular kidneys failed completely.  God's timing is perfect

Since June 21, 2019 I have made my physical health and eating habits a 1000% priority.  I've lost a ton of weight.  My kidney continues to work at optimum levels.  I feel well.  All is good --except for this little problem with my liver.

Actually talked to my doctor today and found out that the radiologists said in their report that what I have appears to be cancerous.  Yup, kind of took the wind out of my sails too.  The doctor said that although this is a small lesion (1.5cm), it's worrisome.  It was not there 2 years ago when they checked me from stem to stern to get me added to the transplant list.  He said though that "we would get through this."  So it was a little hard for me to understand what that comment meant.  Did he mean that his medical team would get through it?  Did he mean he and I would get through it?  Did he mean that I'm gonna die?. After all...that would be getting through it. 

I'm taking a faith based approach here.  We're all gonna get though this with flying colors.  

Back home when people would be sick from cancer, my church would request prayer for healing.  All the kind folks would pray and pray and pray.  Two weeks later, when the sick person did die, the church folks would praise God because brother so and so would say.....that the sick person had finally received their perfect healing had gone onto their reward!

I asked the good doctor what the treatment options are...he responded that it would be a Liver Transplant.  Can you believe this?  Another transplant?  The good thing is that livers regenerate not like kidneys.

So hear I am about to celebrate my first kidneyversary -- only to look FORWARD TO a future liverversary.

I can do this.  

Rainy Days and Thursdays

So it's Thursday.  It's a gloomy, rainy and misty day here.   And I'm down.

Why?

Well, things are going relatively well for me.  I'm approaching the first anniversary of my donated kidney.  I've had all the testing done and the doctors all say that the kidney is humming along.  All my numbers are where they should be.  So that's a good sign.

But....last week during all my monthly blood tests I was told that my liver enzymes are slightly elevated.  They rose during the last 30 days and my hematologist ordered a CT Scan with and without contrast.  He also requested a battery of tests.  

Yesterday afternoon I got a call that made me uneasy....and to be honest...downright frightened.   The voice on the other end of the telephone told me that i have a small lesion on my liver.  As in small its perhaps 1 centimeter or less.  They want me to have a biopsy and another series of MRIs.    With that said, the person on the other end of the phone said that it could be cancer.  

When I heard cancer, inside my heart fell.  My mind raced and I thought "So, this is how its going to end, Liver Cancer!"  I remembered the horrors that both my parents faced as they battled lung cancer.  I again checked off all the things in my bucket list as MOOT.   And of all things....I'm just now getting back to my old self following the transplant and had been looking forward to attacking that bucket list with a vengeance but then we got COVID.  

So I'm sitting here in the darkness, as the world is waking up to a gloomy Thursday, that is rainy and misty contemplating my mortality.  Alone.  My daughter who lives with me is visiting her sister in Nashville and the newest addition to our family -- 4 weeks old day before yesterday.    I feel like I want to run away and hide.  

But I can't.

Memorial Day Weekend

It's Memorial Day in the midst of COVID!  I'm going a bit stir crazy.  I miss the physical presence of my friends.  My family.  And dating.

Although I return a week ago with mighty expectations, my computer never posted anything I wrote.  So I've made some adjustments and it loos like it is now working.  We'll see.

I was away several years due to poor health.  In fact, I thought I was on the verge of leaving this planet.  Thankfully, I did not leave permanently -- just was a bit sidetracked.  Thankfully I'm here, but I realize now that I have approximately 4 years of catching up to do to let you know what has been happening during my absence.  I have much to tell, so I'll try to take it all in chunks going forward.  So please bear with me.  It's been quite a journey.  I also need to look back to see what I have written previously.

I hope my little audience has not left me.  If you're still there, I encourage you to write me.  If there are any questions, don't hesitate to ask.

One piece of important news at this writing.  My youngest twin daughter gave birth to her first child on May 19.  This little bundle is my latest grandson.  They named him Theo.  He is cute as a button.  This makes number four.  I have three other grandchildren, 2 boys and a girl, all courtesy of my son.  Of those, I've only been able to stay connected to 1.  He is the son that had with his wife.  The other two are from the same other mother, a former girlfriend, but due to the fact they she and my son have a contentious relationship, I've not been able to have any relationship with them.  I don't get pictures or status  updates or anything.  She get child support from my son....he doesn't get any updates or pictures either.  So I grieve their loss.  But there is nothing I can really do.

Life goes on.   

After a Long Hiatus...

Hello Dear Friends!

It has been a very long time since I last wrote anything. I apologize for leaving you hanging. So, if you're still here, I'm back and rarin' to go.

As you will remember, 2017 was a traumatic time for me...and to be brutally honest with you, I was not doing too well. I had some emotional setbacks (remember Chris?)and then my health took a turn and not for the best. It was so bad in fact that I was not sure that I would be around much longer. You see, I was diagnosed with Stage 5 Kidney Failure. Over 2017, 2018 and 2019 I watched my kidneys going through a period of long decline. Dialysis was in my future and I was dreading it. I had heard many stories about it and I was totally frightened and discouraged. As the end of that period came, my mind grew quite foggy. My energy levels were nil. I not only felt bad, but I was depressed and feeling totally discouraged. Although I continued to work, I spent a great deal of my time sleeping... and going to work.

Thankfully, I was listed on the transplant register. On a whim I put an update on my Facebook page and said, if you are interested in being living donor, here's who you need to call or email. All expenses will be made by my insurance and I left it at that.

Well, as God worked it out, one of my dear friends put herself into the testing process and BOOM....she wound up being a total match! We had the surgery on June 21, 2019 and I have my life back. I'm healthy as a horse and at this writing, I've been cleared to begin working out slowly. Now the COVID-19 is frightening to me. I've been teleworking since March 12. I'm hunkered down with my daughter in my house. When my office opens I've already been approved to continue to telework when the pandemic is over.

So, I'm back. I wanted you all to know.

Expect to begin hearing from me a lot more!

FRANK

Unexpected Blessings

Well, I'm at the end of another eventful year. I thought I had found true love in Chris, only to have it end in a rather bizarre fashion. He told me this tale of us not having "chemistry." He couldn't answer me when I said that something caused him to move from Wisconsin to my house and to sleep in my bed and I asked him what that was. Not only did it interject profound hurt...but when I wrote something on my Facebook page that was job-related, he assumed it was about him and some other guy...he defended me...and then sent me some rather nasty emails as a result. On top of all that, he had dinner with me a few weeks later and "apologized"...said that he was going to befriend me that very night. I said, "Don't bother." He also said that he was moving south to another area in Virginia not really far away...but just far enough.

But I found out by accident that he did not move there at all!

He moved back from whence he came: WISCONSIN. Why you may wonder? Well, he moved in with his former bf (the one before me). So, I am quite amazed at that. However, in looking back on that, he never really gave that guy up because they were on the telephone constantly every day. (He was also on the phone a similar amount of time with his ex-wife number 3.)

The funny thing about all this is that when he cleared his stuff out of my storage unit....and returned the key, the envelope had a return address of this place down in VA....but it was postmarked in Milwaukee. Not sure why he felt he had to play all the games, but he did.

So, based on all that and the fact that one of his "friends" called me up out of the blue one day to enlighten me about him, I've come to the conclusion that he never really loved me or cared for me. He was a user. It took a spell for me to get over. I basically threw my hands up in the air and said "I give up!"

In September I went on 4 dates with an American Catholic Priest. He was one year older than me. It was a nice time to socialize and slowly ease back into the dating whirl. I found myself to be on my guard...but still I enjoyed the time with him. It just didn't go anywhere and I backed off.

Then in October through mid-November I went on several dates with a man who is highly talented. A formally trained classical pianist who plays for one of the more prestigious outfits here in the DC area. He invited me to see him perform and it was awesome. I enjoyed my time with him...but his divorce from another man was taking up a lot of time and energy. His rehearsal schedule was also quite atrocious. So that one just slowly evaporated.

Finally, on the night before Thanksgiving, I received a WOOF on SCRUFF. Now, to share, I posted on there after Chris left and just basically put down everything that I was looking for in another man. I said that I was looking for someone to make me feel as though I really mattered. I explained that I am an old fashioned romantic. That I liked to travel....that I liked old cars....that I hate mechanical hookups....and at the bottom of my list i also said that I am a man of faith.

He said that he liked my profile very much....especially the part about being a man of faith....and my interest in monogamy (He had been partnered for 5 years...but his partner would hook up with men whenever he was out of town.).

We chatted for three hours. Then we adjourned to real phone texting....because he was flying back to his home in Minnesota (he had been here on business...but said that he was moving here in the spring. He did something no one else has ever done.....he kept the conversation going while he was 30,000 feet in the air! When he landed in Minnesota...we talked via phone call.

Something meshed. Something clicked. He announced that he had to meet me. So he scheduled a flight in for two weeks later and I picked him up at the airport. We spent that weekend together. It was magical! It was not about just sex. We talked....we looked at houses....we asked each other probing questions about our pasts. We asked each other about our desires and dreams....and following that weekend...things between us have continued to grow hotter.

I dropped him back at the airport.....he cried and sobbed all the way to the plane. I felt as though my heart was going to explode in my chest. And we have been in constant contact every day.

Then, yesterday, a curve ball was tossed at us. His firm withdrew his approval to move here...due to a restructure. He and I were both devastated He cried again. But we talked. I asked if he wanted this to end...or to continue. He said he wanted this to continue. I told him I was willing to do this....and so we have been strategizing about how to make this work via long distance. He is going to start looking for other places to work here. He's confident he can find something. In the meantime, we've been working to make his business trips joint rendezvous points. He became all choked up because he has never had anyone in his life to care enough to offer to do this. He was totally surprised by my response. He thought sure he was going to lose me.

I'm not sure what the future holds. But this man is wonderful on many different levels. He's a giver and I'm a giver. He's a man of faith. I'm a man of faith. We both like to travel. On top of all this he is 38 and I am 59. I don't know what he sees in me....but it is magical when we are together. He's adamant about not looking for a daddy...or a sugar daddy. He has his own career...his own money...and he says all he wants is someone to love him....and someone he can love and take care of of...and be taken care of by.

Never thought I'd attract a younger man...but I have..and he is my unexpected Christmas Blessing! or is that better described as a Christmas miracle?

On Coming Out...

So for those of you who may not know, October 11 each year is “National Coming Out Day.” First celebrated in 1988, it allows for those of us who have a different sexual orientation to celebrate who we are and to challenge those still in the closet to break down the closet door and to join in on living a healthy and happy life.

It troubles me when people make fun or ridicule the concepts of gay pride and coming out. Some say, “I want straight pride.” Well, I’d like for you to stop and think about this. For years I made myself sick from trying to be what some would say is “normal.” I went so far as to get married and to have children and to enjoy all the trappings that are associated with the concept of marriage. Deep inside I was a miserable creature. I was not happy. I was told that people like me were ungodly, unholy, perverted, and satanic even. I worked hard to cover. But somehow, the authentic you always works counter to covering up your true nature and I failed many, many times.
Still I did what was expected. I joined several “ex-gay groups” that told me to pray it away. So I prayed. It didn’t go away. I fasted. I cried. I became super active in my church. I shunned social gatherings and certain church functions for fear someone would suspect of find out. I read my Bible. I read everything I could get my hands on concerning reparative therapy. Nothing worked.
I fell deeper into depression and feeling second class or even into the ranks of steerage. This while I was a faithful church member and devoted Christian.
So, in those instances where people suspected, I suffered taunts. I was bullied. I was laughed at. I was whispered about. I was threatened with harm. I was screamed at and told I was going to hell.
It was not a good feeling. So, with God’s help, I slowly came to terms with myself. It has been a long and winding journey of self-discovery and acceptance.
To those of you who think it’s a choice of some kind, why would someone choose something that is the subject of such ridicule and derision? As diverse as the world is…..from folks’ skin colors, their customs, their religions, the variety of plants and organisms, differences in hair and eye color, body shape, is it no wonder that there are differences in sexual orientation?
It does no good to demonize difference.
Humankind is guilty of doing this throughout the ages. Someone somewhere always has the desire to be “superior” or part of a higher class.

The impetus to make me decide to come out broadly occurred last fall, when a former family friend in the Huntington WV area wrote me a blistering comment here on Facebook letting me know basically how awful I was to have GLBTQ friends. She ended her tirade by making fun of my feelings of ministry…and for my serving communion to these individuals “If you’re called to the ministry,” she said, “then I’m the Queen of Sheba.” She defriended me. Not heard from her since. But that ignited me to come out in a broader way. You see, my family of choice here in the metro area….and my friends here….and my kids, my former wife, and various other folks all know that I’m gay. They still love me and routinely let me know it. They care for me. And they have been beacons of light and life to me.
My parents knew and were supportive. The only folks not clued in were my extended relatives in WV. So I decided to just put it out there back in May. Oh some have said some hateful things that have found their way back to me. Others have said nothing…and some have gone so far to say “If I have nothing good to say, then I say nothing at all.” These are strong examples of the affirmation that I have received from the folks who have said before how much they loved me.
However, all is not dark and gloom in WV. A section of my family there have offered their unconditional love and support. This is probably because they told me about all the folks in their branch of the family who are gay. They have gotten used to the idea of difference and support it. I have even had relatives come visit me…that I’d never picture coming to see me – just to let me know of their love and support.

It’s times like that that I am proud of who I am. For the first time in my life I have self esteem….I have an unfathomable reservoir of love for people. God has given me a special love for people in the LGBTQ community especially who are suffering from depression….family rejection….hurt….and thoughts of suicide. And…I understand. I know what all those feelings are like.

So, yes, when Pride Month happens in June…I’m gonna be in the festival with my church—praying and offering communion to those who are hurting because the church has inflicted such painful wounds. And on National Coming Out Day, I’m celebrating that I’m just as God intended.
So, if you are a closeted gay person – one that is afraid of your shadow…afraid of rejection…hurt….shame, call me up. I’ll be your advocate, your cheerleader and I will offer my unconditional love and support. You don’t have to feel alone.

Finally, one other thing as I reflect upon nearly 60 years of life with all the ups and the downs.
Isn’t it ironic that God took my mother on National Coming Out Day 2010 and my dad during Capital Pride 2011?

sLong Time, No Hear...

It has been a while since my last pos...and a reader sent an email expressing concern, wondering where I've been and if I was okay.

Well, I guess I'm okay...but I haven't felt too inspired to write lately.

I did go to the beach alone over the Memorial Day Weekend. I had a good time, but it was scary. I was uneasy about going alone, but I did and I had a good time. I'm glad that I went.

Around the time of Capital Pride in June, I was asked by a gay colleague about my experiences at my office. As we chatted about my 40 years there, he asked if I would be willing to share it in an article to the gay contingent within the agency. I gave it some thought and agreed. Just before PRIDE it hit the streets and I had "come out" to the entire agency. Further, my colleague sent out an email to my immediate office congratulating my coming out.

So, since I had basically blown the hinges off my closet door at the agency...I decided to go one step further and pasted the article in its entirety on my Facebook page. This was done to make sure that all my relatives in WV were clued in. Well, the relatives from WV have been totally silent. However, I have heard from one branch unbridled support...including a whole nest of gay relatives! Who knew?

The amount of support I have received from other friends has been phenomenal. I am so thankful that I did the deed.

It's a great feeling to finally be able to live authentically. Due to the toxic nature of some of the family I have, it's okay to never hear from them again -- I mean really. I know longer need to please them or to try and keep them contented.

So, as you can see, it has been a busy summer.

Baby Steps Forward...

So, the romantic trip to the beach with Chris has now changed to the trip to hell. I haven't been able to find a person who is able to join me. So it's either don't go....or suck it up and go and make the most of a spacious two bedroom, two bath, oceanfront condo ALONE!

I'm also a little reticent about going alone in view of the health scares I've had in the past month. Slipping into two diabetic comas back-to-back was totally scary. The only thing that saved me was the fact that my children saw them both happen and they immediately called 911.

According to my doctors it was because my sugars were too controlled. My A1C was a 5.0. Which isn't even considered diabetic.

But its dangerous for someone like me for sugars to be kept that low. You run the danger of having what happened to me.

So since then, I've been watching my sugars....I'm off two key diabetic meds including the insulin. My numbers are better and I'm watching my sugar levels constantly. So I think I'll be fine at the beach.

And So It Goes...

So here I am...nearly two weeks after Chris' departure. I think I'm moving through this experience as well as can be expected...but I still face some unexpected speed bumps that hurt.

Upon his departure, I established a new account on SCRUFF...and I posted an ad on Craigs List. He had been in my life for four months...and I had not been on any of those sites the whole time. But in his way, Chris gave me a lecture about how I must not have loved him as much as I said I did because I did this. Ouch. That hurt. He didn't get it. On top of this, he never deleted his SCRUFF profile the whole time.

I've been on several dates with wonderful men...but I've played it low key. Nothing to write home about. No relationships begun. No glimmers of romances to come. Just time fillers. Experiences to be had.

And then there is the beach next week.... which I dread.

Originally I scheduled this as a time for just Chris and me to be together. I paid for it. It's nonrefundable. It felt like a cold slap in the face when he said that he had made other plans. So I guess I'm not friend material either? The condo I had rented is a two bedroom two bath one...and he could have had his own room. But I suppose I'm chopped liver. Not worth being near....not worth spending time with in any capacity.

So, today I am trying to navigate this new normal...allowing the hurts to heal. To mourn the profound loss and wonder what happened....and to mourn what could have been.

And so it goes...

Back to the Drawing Board

So, here I sit trying to come to terms with the fact that Chris ended things. April 8 he did it...then moved out on May 10.

I'm a bit in shock. I just don't understand...especially with the strong feelings he had expressed to me and had shared with you in his post here.

So, I won't pretend that I know the reasons. I don't. I know what some of the things he said..but they don't really make sense. My birthday was a fiasco. My kids and he did not get along...but to them, he was a complete and total stranger, who moved in too fast...and tried to be their pal. He got upset because of this...and I told him that he and I were in relationship...not with them. They would come around...and they would have.

I suspect there were other factors...including the fact that on April 17 and 18, I went into two diabetic comas that left me near death. My sugars dropped unexpectedly and I wound up in the hospital for a week. My BP went through the roof...and they had a hard time keeping my sugars up.

So that was scary.

Perhaps in his sight, I'm nothing more than damaged goods.

I dunno.

I tried so hard...

I'm still in shock. I'm doing much better health wise....but he is gone. Sad to say, I was in pretty bad condition since last summer when Stan got married to his SCRUFF trick. I thought it was my emotions that were wreaking havoc with me...but it was my diabetes. My fog has lifted and I feel much, much better.

But emotionally I feel empty...I'm somewhat distraught. When he left, I immediately put up a profile on SCRUFF...and posted an ad on Craigslist. Primarily out of hurt. I just needed to have a mindless release with some male figure that would make my hurt go away.

Chris saw them and now accuses me of not really loving him as much as I said I did...

My point is why should he care? I did not do any of these things until he walked away. I ditched my profiles on SCRUFF, GROWLR, GRINDR, JACKD', MISTER, MATCH, and SILVERDADDIES, when he and I started our relationship. He never gave up SCRUFF but remained on it the whole time. He said he was looking for friends for us.

He just doesn't get the profound hurt that I'm undergoing. The stark sadness. The feeling of failure. The feeling of being damaged goods. My counselor says that the situation says more about him...than me. But there is very little solace in that if in fact that is all true.

I feel like a failure. All my relationships have failed after all and I'm the one constant.

He also continued to have long telephone calls with his ex BF from out of state. I dare say that person knew more about me and our situation than I did. He also remained in close contact with his ex-wife...who didn't particularly care for me. She kept likening me to his first male lover...who was not a popular item in the family. (I'm nothing like that one.) I feel that he allowed all of them to plant doubts of some kind about us.

So, I'm back at square one.

My one solace is that I've had two wonderful men to say to me privately how much they love me and wish they could be there for me...but their life situations won't allow that to happen in a substantial way.

I do understand that...but I appreciate their sincere concern and for them to bare their souls to me. It has taken away my feelings of inadequacy...and my shortcomings...

Still it pains me to think of Chris...

Ready for Change

This weekend is the official start of my new life with Chris. As I have prepared myself emotionally, psychologically and pragmatically, I find that I'm having to purge myself of many of the ghosts from my past. It's funny, but it seems when things start turning around the ghosts begin to arise from their barren graves to try and torment me and to rob me of the joy I have mustered due to my good fortune.

In this case, I have so yearned and longed for a man to be with and to live life with...and a few months ago, I felt like literally folding up my rainbow flag and putting it away because I felt like no matter how hard I tried, I always found those men who were not really what I wanted...or felt I deserved...and I wound up getting hurt -- badly, in the process.

Then Chris appears in my life. And as he and I have become further acquainted...and his job prospects brought him literally into my backyard....and to the point of him moving in....and the profound feelings we have for each other...well...unless you're gay....and have someone that loves you unconditionally -- warts and all -- you'll never understand. Given my gay orientation, I've often wondered if the way I'm feeling with Chris...and those strong and intensely personal feelings that I have for him, are what garden variety straight men feel for their girlfriends or wives.

I've just never felt this way about anyone. Not Stan....not Zach.....not Patrick....not Lee......

And certainly not Lovey.

But yet here are these feelings for Chris....that seem to wash over my in tidal waves of joy and anticipation.

It is so very hard for me to describe these feelings to anyone. Especially if you're not from a gay orientation.

So, Chris arrives at my house on Sunday afternoon. I'm taking off Monday to be with him and help him to get settled. He begins his new job on Tuesday.

We're both ready.....ready for this big CHANGE!