Affirmation

As I have slowly emerged from my closet and have begun to slowly take in the sights and sounds of my new gay life, it has occurred to me that living in the closet has been a very lonely and scary existence. It has also been stifling to any creativity that I had.

As a spiritual person, I find myself looking for affirmation in a host of ways. It may be that I am a rather insecure person, and still looking for those little pats on the head that say to me, "Atta boy Frank! You're gay and that's okay. You're on the right path!"

One of the first things that I learned as a gay man, is that appearance and attractiveness are VERY important. To be quite honest, I had a very awful self concept. Only now at 47 do I feel that perhaps I am somewhat attractive.

There are moments, however, that bring me back to earth and remind me that beauty is very much in the eye of the beholder.

As an example, at times in my journey I have explored the seamy underside of gay life: the sex clubs and the bathhouses. I found out quite early that I suffered the heartbreak of what I call the "roach effect."

What on earth is the "roach effect" you may wonder?

Let me explain it in another way. Have you ever lived in an apartment and gotten up in the middle of the night to get a glass of milk or something from the refrigerator? You trudge down the hallway and flip on the kitchen light and there before you is a literal army of roaches who...the minute the light comes on, scatter in 50 different directions.

Those experiences in the sex clubs or bathhouses have been much the same. I've wandered into the TV room and see all manner of guys sitting around and as soon as they look at me, I become the kitchen light and the area totally clears in a split second. I'm left...alone. Or at the proverbial bath house, I've walked up to one of those doors barely open, to see what was on the other side only to be dismissed with a wrinkled nose, and a hand waving me away.

I remember well the devestation of feeling rejected.

BUT, time and age have in a way helped me to realize that such rejection is not to be taken personally especially in those settings. A lot of guys, for whatever reason, have a porn star image of the type of guy they would most like to hook up with. God knows, I'm not porn star quality, but then, I don't attract flies either.

A few weeks ago, I was invited to dinner by two friends -- one was from out of town, and one lives here in the area... we went to a gay restaurant in the predominantly gay section of town. It was full of men...gay men....sitting and socializing. All ages, types....a virtual smorgasboard of testosterone laughing....talking...smoking and eating. The restaurant was comfortable....and safe.

We were shown to our table and we made ourselves cofortable. In the rush to get seated and to start looking at the menu, I didn't notice the waiter...the very young waiter, who began flirting wiith me...

I'm a bit slow..after all I am 47...but I caught on shortly thereafter.

This young, handsome and buff waiter was flirting with me.....the middle-aged 47-year-old! I couldn't believe it.

He told me his first name. He sat down next to me. He touched me. He caressed me. Finally I had to break the tension.

"You know, you sure are fun to look at!"

He smiled and blushed.

"No one has ever said that to me before!" he chuckled.

"Well," I continued. "Thank you for making this old guy's heart flutter."

He grinned and went back to work.

As my dinner mates and I continued with our conversation, the waiter would go by from time-to-time, and we'd lock eyes...and there was his smile. It lit up the room.

It was time to go. There he stood at the bar.

"Are you leaving me without a hug and kiss goodbye?"

I paused. Then I looked over at that killer smile and I melted. What the heck, I thought. So I timidly went in his direction. He grinned again, and came over to me and wrapped those buff arms around me and drew me to that muscular chest. Then, he looked into my eyes and pecked me sweetly on my left cheek.

Yes, affirmation comes in such sweet, silly ways!