Probing Questions...

My spiritual life is very important to me. It defines a significant portion of who I am and how I live my life. Throughout my marriage and prior to that time, I’ve felt that God was with me and that He was my number one partner.

Many of you reading this are from many different religious backgrounds and faith traditions. In no way, is what I write here meant to denigrate or make light of your belief systems. I am only talking about MY experience.

As a married believer, who was betrothed to another spiritually minded believer, I was constantly troubled by the fact that at times, it seemed that I was in a contest – who could or who was the more spiritual partner. Frankly, I didn’t care because I was confident in what I believed and I was anchored in my relationship with God. To me, it was a personal relationship and one that I didn’t need to constantly beat my chest and tell the world about.

I believe that God can speak directly to a person. When He speaks, He tends to do so in a still, small voice and at those times, He tends to ask very pointed questions: questions that I could never dream up myself…questions that pierce the heart and drive directly into the bone…questions that at times are quite heavy and probing.

It took me many years to acknowledge the fact that I was gay. It took me many years more to arrive at the conclusion that God made me gay.

How do I know this you might ask?

Well, here are some of the things I concluded:

· There was no specific day where I was presented with a choice as to whether to proceed in life as straight…or to proceed in life as gay.

· If there was such a day, then why would I, want to make a choice to live a life that is fraught with danger. My goodness, I could die from AIDS, I could be bashed. I could be killed for goodness sakes.

· Why would I choose to go against the norm? Do I enjoy being made fun of? Do I enjoy being treated as second or in some instances third class?

I then thought, well if God created me gay, then why would he give me all these rules and reasons for not acting on it? Is he a sadist? Does He get His jollies from making individuals’ lives hell?

Nope, I answered myself. This is not the God that I know personally. He has loved me unconditionally for all these years. He has given me the attractions and the drives that I have as gifts. The homophobia and wrath come from people who don’t understand or who have issues that make them feel threatened when the topic shifts to homosexuality.

I felt a calm assurance that I was on the right path.

Then, God spoke.

“What if the way I have chosen for you is not the way you would choose for yourself?”

Then, silence.

As I continued to ponder that question, the familiar still, small voice said:

“What if the way I have chosen for you is not the way that others would choose for you?”

Like any other person, I wanted to know the answers to those questions and I wanted immediate clarification. They didn’t come then.

Here I am 11 years later. I am working to embrace my gayness. I am getting divorced. Things are slowly coming together for me in my life. And I remember those questions…those deep, probing questions.

Certainly, if I were mapping out my life I certainly would not have chosen this path. I dare say, that others who know me, had they had the opportunity would not have chosen this path for me either.

Yet, here I am on this journey. God is leading me and I feel my hand locked firmly in His.

Am I frightened by what the future may hold?

Yes.

But, in my mind, it doesn’t matter because I know the Being that holds the future.