What is Your Definition of a True Friend?

What a day!

This is the first time I have had any moments to myself since I walked in the door to my office this morning! Meetings....meetings and more meetings.

There is joy being a government bureaucrat!

Last night I was invited out to dinner by two gay friends. One of them lives here locally. The other is from the West Coast and a member of one of the online support groups that I am a member of.

Why is it that I look so forward to these little meetings? I guess it's the affirmation.....the joy of just being myself without a guard up. There's no fear of discovery.

Through my 48 years on this planet, I never really had close male friends until I actually came to terms with my gayness. It's odd, but in straight situations I still am aloof and that wall of protection is still in place. BUT...with all of my gay friends, I'm able to laugh...to relax....and be me.

I don't have to keep secrets or worry about my gayness inadvertently slipping out.

The guys and I talked openly and honestly about where we are in our journeys. They are both involved in straight marriages and have been so involved for many years. They have children. They are successful.

We all talked about integration and how our sexuality permeates who we are and our very beings. It actually defines who we are and how we see the world.

It's not a choice.

We talked about how we came out. We compared the similarities of how our wives reacted.... Our needs for male friends....male intimacy.

Each man was different, yet the same.

I have many acquaintences, but very few friends.

Why?

Primarily because I define a true friend as someone who knows all there is to know about you, but still loves and supports you. Very few in my circle fit into that category.

When speaking of how we came out to our wives, I'm amazed at how supportive those guys' wives have been. One of them found out her husband was gay when she was watching a taped tv program. At the end, before she could turn the VCR off, she saw video footage of her husband being fisted by another man. Well, the husband couldn't lie his way out of that situation. He had to confess.

Everything.

With that footage playing in the background, there's no way to sugar coat the issue!

Still I was struck by her undying love for her husband. Her acceptance. Her willingness to learn and to try and understand. They are still together...three years after! He's 62.

I suppose that's what still hurts me the most about Lovey. After 25 years, where was the love? The acceptance? The willingness to learn and to try and understand?

Why did she turn into such an alien creature -- one that I didn't know -- a TOTAL stranger?

And now, I'm left with wondering if I want this woman in my life going forward. Do I really want her and her wacko family as friends? Do I just bow out? Gracefully?

Yes, she is the mother of my children. She's their mother...not mine.

I just need to breath....and continue taking it one day....one step at a time.

Mom O'Lovey

Back when I was a silly youth that was newly married, the fad in cars were air bags.
Then, those cars were a novelty.

In those early, carefree days, I would roll my eyes when riding with my inlaws anywhere. I was usually in the back seat with Lovey. The inlaws were generally seated in the front seat pontificating about all manner of topics.

I used to tell my friends that I was the first on my block to ride in a car with dual airbags in the front. LOL.

As you know, I've been working very hard to have my house clean, select nice, well-appointed furniture including that outstanding Grandfathers Clock. My dining room furniture is set to arrive sometime in the next couple of weeks, so in the interim I've been painting #1's room to get ready for her new bedroom furniture. I haven't hung any pictures, because I want to do this once all the furniture is in place and all the junk is removed.

Well, wouldn't you know, Mom O'Lovey just had to come by. I made the mistake on Saturday of telling her that I had already purchased some furniture. I was intentionally vague.

According to #1, she was highly critical of everything. She didn't like wher I had put the clock. She didn't like the paintings I had selected. They were too large she thought. She then told #1 to tell me to stop buying stuff...that I was getting way over my head financially. (TRANSLATED: AT THIS RATE HE WILL BE UNABLE TO FORK OVER $$$$$$ TO MY FAIR DAUGHTER LOVEY!!!!)

Then, she saw #1's room. #1 made the mistake of talking about the furniture she was about to get...and Mom O'Lovey succeeded in dissuading that purchase. "You're only going to be using it a couple of months before you leave," she told her. "By the time you return from the Peace Corps, your taste will have changed."

So, we're not getting the furniture.

I'm frosted.

Is it any wonder that I have been unable to make choices easily about furniture and stuff with this amount of criticalness I have had? 25 years worth?

Great scott.

However, I'm somewhat amazed at how I'm taking all this in. I mean, I'm not upset or ready to confront her. I know this would only serve to make me look bad. So, I'm just keeping my opinions to myself and will continue to make choices that please me.

She doesn't know my financial standing....she knows very little about me......only what Lovey has told her. Only God knows what that has been. Probably the same things I've heard from Lovey. You know:

I made her life hell!

I wouldn't let her be who she was!

I wouldn't let her buy shoes!

I'm queer.

***sigh***

A New Week Begins

I've been working myself silly just trying to get my house in order.

It seems that every waking moment I amd doing something to the house. I've lost count of the number of trash bags of "junk" I have gotten rid of. Where does it all come from?

A lady friend came over this weekend to assist my daughter with her room. (This friend had been a guest in my home on numerous occasions during Lovey's tenure.) When she walked in the front door she said, "YOU have really been working at this haven't you? It looks totally different!"

Confirmation.

Words I wanted to hear.

This is the effect I want to achieve.

I want it to be different, clean, organized, nice, yet comfortable.

Things appear to be falling into place rather nicely.

One wrinkle: a letter from Lovey.

She wrote me to say that she thinks she should be getting even more alimony from me because she is just not able to save like she would like. She also requests help on her auto insurance. She then tells me that she is afraid that I am "boxing myself in" financially like she knows I am prone to do.

Hmmmmm.

The only times that I have been boxed in is trying to pay her bills....and since she has been off my account, I've not had any problems.....and I don't intend to have any problems.

To be honest, her letter got me cranked...big time! Even from beyond the bounds of our marriage she is still trying to control things.

Some things just aren't going to ever change.

My Darling Daughters

I just took these pictures of my darling daughters earlier this week....and thought I would share them with you. #2 is behind #1.

A Visit With Lovey

This post may ramble...so I apologize in advance.

I spoke with Mom this morning and she sounds more like her old self. She's relieved to be home and she said that she slept very well in her own bed at home.

I'm so relieved that she is back home and that she is doing so well. I told her before she went into surgery the first time, that right now I need her and Dad more than I ever have in my adult life. I also said that if she see the famed "light" to turn her back on it and run....not walk, into the other direction!

Perhaps I'm selfish.

But, I am an only child. I feel that I have suffered enough loss for a while. I didn't want to lose her or dad...not just yet.

I spent a lot of time with #1 and #2 while #2 was in town. It was great being with them and just listening to them.

On this past Sunday #1 wanted us to drive to Lovey's to drop off some stuff. #1 said, "C'mon Dad. You won't even have to drive."

So, reluctantly I went. Part of me didn't really want to go...and a part of me was curious to see if she was happy and to see firsthand what she had gotten herself into.

A curious thing happened.

The closer we got to our destination, the more my head began to ache. I could feel all of my muscles tense. How I dreaded this.

The house that Lovey now lives in is a one floor rambler, circa 1966. The carport has been enclosed to make a pastor's office. There's a gray gravel driveway. The main entrance to the house is in the center of the building, with a concrete step-up porch that is surrounded by white wrought iron railing. It extends from the front door to the gravel driveway that stops just at where the carport would have been.

Once you've entered the home you find yourself standing at one end of the comfy living room. From here you can proceed straight to the kitchen, or turn left to the portion of the house holding the three bedrooms or two bathrooms. Or if you proceed through the kitchen, you can exit the house through sliding glass doors to the small patio, or the nearly acre of yard. Or if you turn right at the edge of the kitchen you can walk through to the office or to the laundry room.

No central air conditioning. Two small window units are in the entire house. One is in Lovey's bedroom, the other is at the other end of the house in her office. Both emitted mildewy smells. "I don't know how to clean the filters," Lovey announced. I immediately went into fix-it mode....and I removed the filters and cleaned them for her.

There was all the old familiar furniture from our house....now in HER house It fit the house well. Everything was tastefully arranged. Pictures on the walls hung in well appointed groupings.

And there I was...looking at a photograph of me with Lovey on one of our wedding anniversaries. It was sitting on a chest of drawers in one of her guest rooms.

She then wanted me to see her churches. I looked them over. She said that her honeymoon period with these churches is over. Something about a conflict with a very controlling member that she has to "confront" shortly. He wasn't in church that day and refused to return any of her telephone calls.

Hmmmmm.

She then starts talking about wanting to leave in three years to move someplace else.

She's not even settled here yet....and already wanting to leave.

Trials by Fire

Mom came home today from her second visit to the hospital and her second major surgery in 4 weeks! She won't let me be there with her. She's arranged for Home Healthcare to come and change her dressings once a day. (Dad will do it in the evenings.)

She's definitely not herself...and when I talk to her I can hear the frustration and residual pain in her voice.

The doctor made a mistake, and he 'fessed up to it. He says that her muscle did not separate as first thought. This is translated: she didn't have to go through this second surgery, but because he thought things were going on that weren't, she had the second surgery! Can you believe it?

She frustrated.

Can you really blame her?

I just pray now that she can continue the healing process and move forward.

Sort of reminds me of me and the healing process I now find myself in.

I'm in a healing process and desperately want to move forward.

What a summer!

I was so dreading June 20. The departure. The aftermath. Purchasing furniture...the right furniture. Cancer. My mother.

Whew! It makes me tired to think about it all.

But here I am...still surviving.....still going from one day to another. Each day seems a bit better than the last.

I told a friend at lunch that I'm sick and tired of being "down". I have no real good reason to be depressed. It's time for me to get over it already. Enough!

Some of the furniture has arrived. I still need to have my dining room stuff arrive. Then, once all this is done. I will take some tasteful pictures of the decorating job that Frank did and post them for you to see.

Yes....I'm gonna make it after all!

SURGERY AGAIN!

News came late this afternoon that my mother will need to have surgery again in the morning at 11am EDT.

Why?

Her muscle has separated from the incision exposing the bowel and if it is not repaired quickly she will run the risk of having a hernia. The infection in the incision is healing nicely...but this one thing remains a problem.

She will be in the hospital at least 2 days, but more like 4-5 days.

I don't know what to do...whether to go.....or whether to stay here. Mom wants me to stay here. But I think I should go...but I have so much to catch up on at work, furniture delivery on Saturday, daughter #2 leaving for Nashville on Monday.

UGH....I

Hurt

Will this hurt ever go away?

Everything always seems to be just below the surface – ready to erupt at any moment like a volcano.

Last night the hurt surfaced again in a simple conversation with my children. It seems that Lovey says that I never was the man that she thought she married. I guess she was right.

But I did try.

And, after a year of marriage, I couldn’t live a lie and I told her the truth. I told her who I thought I was.

I made myself vulnerable to her.

I told the kids that I thought that was what one did in a marriage. You make yourself vulnerable. You trust them. You expect them to be there for you. You expect acceptance and unconditional love.

I gave all those things to Lovey. I accepted her for who she was…not who I wanted her to be….not who I thought she was….. I loved her unconditionally…through all the nagging, the outbursts, the tears, the shrieking, the multitude of medical tests, the endless arguments about everything. That’s what married folks do I thought.

Yet, through it all, Lovey harbored all these “other” feelings about me. Feelings she never discussed. Feelings she probably didn’t even know she had at the time.

And, now she is sharing them with the kids….and her feelings are coming back to me.

Indirectly.

And then those indirect comments…when they come at me….act like little coal mines….digging below the surface….hitting the core of my buried volcano of hurt…..and it begins to churn inside me……

And it finally erupts. It erupts in a cascade of tears…down my face.

I guess when all is said and done and I look back, Lovey was never the woman I thought she was when I married her.

Will this hurt ever go away?

Fat, Old and Cranky

Fat, old and cranky -- that's me!

I'm not sure that I told you this or not, but last week upon my return from the parents' house and in the midst of my rejoicing at mom's glowing health reports, I received a brief email from Lovey's former boss at the church, otherwise known as my pastor...(MP).

MP said that he had been thinking of me and my mother and that he wanted me to be well aware of the fact that he had been praying for us. He also wanted me to be sure to let him know when I returned to my home so that he could call me on the the telephone.

I can tell that I am cranky. Years ago I would have felt all gracious and nice inside for his note. Now I'm just angry and ready to go full tilt because MP has been here well over a year now. He knows quite well the drama that has been playing within my household. I'm sure that Lovey has filled in all the details.

No email....no cards......no phone calls in over a year! Now, he comes to me to say how much I have been in his prayers because of my mother. But WHY now?

So, I let all these negative thoughts sit and simmer. I was in no hurry to contact MP. I had some wounds to lick.... I had to become less cranky.

So last night I wrote him an email that let him know what I thought....and how I was feeling:

MP:

Thanks for your email. I have returned home and am currently spending some good family time with my daughters, #1 and #2.

I wanted you to know that I truly appreciate all your thoughts and prayers on my mother's behalf. She is indeed an answer to prayer and continues to make great improvements daily. I am greatly relieved that she is doing so well.

MP, while I'm responding to your email, I feel that I need to clear the air on another matter that has really been consuming me for quite sometime. It has left me rather raw. Since I've not really known what to say or how to address it ..I have remained silent and maintained a low profile at church. As a matter of fact, during Lovey's latter months there, I quit coming altogether. No one there knows any of what I have been through during the past year and two months. To put it succinctly, it has been hell.

Did you know that during all this I have not received one single call or note from K (the associate pastor), D (the interim pastor who shared with the congregation how the ministers at her exams felt they were on holy ground when they were in Lovey's presence -- see earlier entry), or yourself during the trauma of my separation and divorce? Near the end of the time that I did come, I felt like I was invisible. While I realize that because Lovey was on staff there, a natural outgrowth of this would be certain allegiances to her. I also realize that in a divorce action, folks generally feel the need to take sides. That's fine and I understand that. BUT...I'm not looking for people to choose sides. What I would have hoped for was that when my world was coming unglued....and I was questioning my spirituality....my relationship with God.....when I was feeling like a dung heap....when my self esteem was in the toilet.... A minister from my church would call or write to me and say, "Hey frank....I know that things are going on right now....and that you may be hurting. I just wanted you to know that I'm praying for you....that I care....that you will make it. I'm praying for you. Do you need anything?" That would have meant so very, very much.

But it just didn't happen.

I am not bitter. I'm not being petty or childish. I'm just a guy who is working to slowly rebuild his life after the person that he loved more than anyone or anything else walked out. It forced me to face many difficult issues head-on that I believed to be dealt with long ago. The pain, the profound sadness, and the loneliness have been daunting. The grief I have been through cannot be described.

To be honest, I don't know what to do about returning to church. Given the fact that so many people hold Lovey in such high regard, I don't know if I would even be welcome there or how I am viewed as a result of the publicized separation and divorce.

It's funny. As I continue through the grieving process, I am haunted by things from the past. For example, Lovey told me before we got married almost 25 years ago that her ministry would always come first. Silly me thought that I or the kids would occasionally come first.

I was mistaken.

It has been a long, long journey. I never thought I would be single again at the age of 48.

Frank

I sent this via email late last night. So far I have not received a response.

I may not EVER receive a response. At least I got what I need to off my chest and I feel a lot better.

I suppose that being fat, old and cranky is a plus! After all, when one is fat, old and cranky you just don't care anymore what people think about you and the need to walk on eggshells decreases.

A Very Long Day

Today started off really well.

I awoke after a wonderful night's rest. Both my daughters are here for the following week. It's good to have other people wanding through the house.

I got up early -- planning to arrive at the office early. I have so much to get caught up on....after having been gone for over 2 weeks. I was eager to start the day! But as fate would have it, when I got to my car, the thing wouldn't start. It was dead in the water. This is a new car that I got in March!

So, I went back into my house and called my 24 hour roadside assistance. I called them at 8:30a.m. The tow truck didn't arrive until 5:30 p.m. In other words, I had another unplanned day off. So, I got to enjoy my daughters...but in the back of my mind, I worried about what I was missing at the office.

Oh well....

I then had dinner with a friend...that had been scheduled for several days. The friend, a single gay man, and I spent the dinner hour sharing stories of coming out.....dating experiences.....and the like.

At the end of the meal, he smiled and said that it was so refreshing to be able to have dinner with someone who had it all together -- me. (Gee,, imagine....he actually thinks that I have it "all together.")

Why is it that we're always the last people to accept compliments or realize that we have it all together? Today I have thought a lot about how I feel like I am such a weakling emotionally...and how I feel like I'm going to melt down at any time.

But on the other hand....

I look at all the things I have made it through during this past year. I'm amazed that I am still standing.

I AM standing! Head held high....shoulders back......

After all that I have faced.....I am STILL standing!

The Deed is Done!

Well, I've gone and done it!

That chore that I really dreaded and felt so unsure of myself about a few months ago: picking out and buying new furniture.

I finally decided that it needed to be done. I had to buy living room, dining room, and recreation room, furniture. A good friend of mine, who lives next door, Charlene, spent her Saturday going with me from store to store. I showed her what I liked and awaited the criticism.

I always got it from Lovey in some shape or form.

"You have no taste. No sense of colors. You're color blind," Lovey would often say. She'd also say that she didn't want to spend money on things, because of some orphan in Africa needing our contributions in order to survive....or God forbid, she'd not be able to buy shoes. Go back and look at the earlier post I did about Lovey's Shoe Carousel. Lovey obviously took a vow of poverty during some earlier life.

Criticism never came from Charlene's direction. If anything, she said that I had a great sense of taste AND style. She remarked that this was the funnest shopping trip she had ever been on, because I had already done my homework she said. I was amazed. A woman actually told me that had chosen very well. So, over the course of spending money and making my final purchases, I saved approximately $3,100. I also got a glass cocktail table, two glass end tables, two table lamps and a floor lamp. Then I bought three pieces of elegant artwork that will tie everything together.

It arrives on Saturday.

Charlene is a decorator and has excellent taste herself. She thinks I'm really good at making my selections.

Me!

Isn't that something? Why did I think this was going to be so difficult? It probably was due to the internal phobia I had developed because of all the previous criticism I had received through 25 years.

I'm slowly learning that Frank can make decisions...good ones at that.

On the way home, I confessed to Charlene all that Lovey used to say to me. Charlene was shocked.

She was shocked that the good reverend would be that critical.

"I could write a book, Charlene," I said.

"Doesn't surprise me," she replied. "When Lovey sees what all you have done to your house, and the furniture you have selected....she's going to have a cow," Charlene giggled.

"She can send it to the orphans in Africa," I deadpanned.

Charlene grinned. "You're awful," she said.

I know.

Friday Night...Late

A busy day....just trying to get caught up from all that I missed while with my parents in West Virginia during the past 2.5 weeks.

Somewhere around noon, the bottom seemed to drop out...and I felt like my world ended. No specific reason other than it just happened.

I think it must have been a chemical imbalance of some kind. Diabetes (and I'm diabetic) is known to play with your emotions. So, with all the stuff I have gone through over the past few months, these occasional imbalances make things that more difficult. Yuck.

I want so much to level off....and get on with my life. In spite of the physical maladies that I must struggle with, I so want to get past it all.

Late this afternoon daughter #2 called to let me know that she and her sister had made it safely to Winchester. It took them 10 hours to drive from Nashville to Winchester. They sounded happy and like they had a good time. I'm glad for this. I just hope that they are able to enjoy their mom without any major blowups.

I'm sure I will hear all about it if they do.

Whew...life keeps getting more dramatic and "interesting."

Why Am I The Way I Am?

I just can't seem to figure myself out. Perhaps I spend too much time over analyzing things and that is the problem. BUT, still, I wonder why it is that I react the way I do to some things.

Earlier this week, I received a telephone message from Lovey. She was looking for some of her X-rays and wanted me to check to see if I could find them in the piles of leftovers she left for me when she departed on June 20. I looked and didn't find them.

Just hearing her voice set me off.

I didn't talk to her directly....all I heard was the recording of her voice in my voicemail at home. Every muscle in my body tensed....my jaw clenched. My doctor and other friends say that this is probably how I always was around her, but my living life alone without her is so different, that when I do have those bodily responses to her, I am in a better position to notice.

Perhaps.

Nonetheless, it isn't pleasant. Hopefully when the divorce is finished, I can better control contact with her...and minimize it to an all time low so that I don't have to have this happen.

Maybe one day I will be able to not have this happen in her presence.

This morning on the way in to the office, #1 called to say she and her sister were in Knoxville, TN...headed to Winchester, VA to visit their mother. They're going to be there for two full nights and won't get to my house until sometime on Sunday evening.

I thought they were only going to be there on Saturday night.

I had planned for them to be at my house on Sunday in time for lunch.

I was wrong...

I'm a little bothered by all this and I don't know why. After all, Lovey is their mother and she deserves time with them. Am I getting to be overly possessive? Is this a shred of jealousy surfacing?

This stuff has got to go! I'm secure in my relationship with my kids. Lovey has lots of fences to mend.

No need for jealousy here on my part!

Living in The Twilight Zone

I finally reviewed Lovey's latest separation agreement draft.

Let's review:

June 9, 2005 - Lovey announces she wants a divorce.

September 2005 - Lovey provides initial draft of separation agreement.

Late September 2005 - Frank and attorney redraft the entire agreement.

Early October 2005 - Lovey presented with the redrafted agreement.

Mid-October 2005 - Lovey goes rip! Accuses Frank of being everything but God's child!

Late July 2006 - Lovey gives Frank another draft of separation agreement and says that she wants to get all this "over with" as quickly as possible.

Late July 2006 - Frank informs Lovey that his attorney is out of the country until mid to late September.

It has been a year. Lovey is in a hurry.

Frank wanted all this over with a year ago.

So why all the rush now?

The draft as written makes me feel like I continue to live in the Twilight Zone! Where is Rod Serling when I need him?

Items I thought we had worked clearly are open for discussion.

For example, her draft says that she is the beneficiary on life insurance policies I maintain through work. She wants to be kept on those and as written, I am supposed to provide proof annually that she is still on the policies.

No way...

I have no such policies. The ones I have list my children as beneficiaries.

She knows this.

So, given this example and the fact that there are all kinds of other items in the agreement make me wonder: (a) did she ever bother to read my version? (b) did she pay attention to the myriad of discussions we have had about all this? (c) is she so self-absorbed that she thinks that she is the most important object in the universe? (d) or did she, the wonderful and godly minister, actually try to pull and old-fashioned fast one?

Hmmmmmmmm.

A friend of mine from the church I once attended came to my house a couple of days ago to welcome me home. I'm also doing some work on his computer and trying to get it to resurrect.

He saw my empty house and was rather amazed that Lovey would do that to me. He also made some rather interesting observations about her. It sort of makes me wonder if there are others within that congregation like him and if in her current congregations if she has had time to generate similar feelings and thoughts.

She is in her honeymoon period right now. Everything is wonderful and she's happy. However, when all the newness fades it will be a new story.

The Grandfather Clock - 2

It arrived.

Last night!

I was so excited.

My grandfather clock was sitting in its box on the sidewalk in front of my front door. I could hardly contain my excitement.

Jeff, the delivery man, gingerly moved it inside and asked me where I wanted it.

"Does it have a light?" I asked.

Jeff answered, "Yes, this model does. It will need an electrical outlet."

At that instant, like a flash of recognition, I knew the perfect spot for my clock: in the front hall....next to the powder room, but not on the side of the door where it could swing and hit it.

Nope, this clock sat on a space that had not been occupied by anthing else. We plugged it in, Jeff did all his adjustments, and he swung the pendulum and wound all the crank mechanisms. He set the lunar clock as well.

He checked all the chimes and it worked.

Beautifully.

I am so guilty to say this, but that clock has already given me its money worth in personal pleasure I derive from seeing and hearing it in action. There is something quite calming...to hear the gentle ticking and the chiming on the four quarter hours.

This is the first elegant item I have purchased for my home. It's beautiful.

And...it's all mine!

I'm Back!

I made it home all safe and sound yesterday evening.

It's really good to be back home. I've missed not being here.

Even my dog is glad to be home....but I won't let him near the new carpet....and I've been crating him at night so that he can't piddle or dump on it.

The drive home through scenic West Virginia and through the state of Virginia was very pleasant. It gave me a lot of time to think about things....about my life......and how things have played out. I also have been very thankful that things for my mom have worked out so well. I'm definitely not taking all that for granted.

Part of my problem for these past two weeks has been the fact that I haven't had any fellowship with any gay people. Although I know that the law of averages says that there is some sort of a gay population in my hometown, it's very hard to find people who will own up to it....or discuss it.....or acknowledge it. So, I sort of feel like I've been wandering the desert for these past two weeks.

No affirmation....no physical contact (platonic I mean) of any kind with another male.

I felt like the only gay guy on the planet.

It's a very LONELY feeling.

But, now that I am back, I've visited with a close gay friend already. Two others have contacted me about having dinner with them sometime this week....because they want to hear all about my mom.

I'm feeling encouraged.

ON top of all this, my clock arrives on Wednesday evening! Something to look forward to.

I'm also working to get rid of junk......Lovey's left overs.....and stuff I no longer want or need.

Finally, I'm able to again write here on a more regular basis. Dialup connections are the pits for checking email....and writing blog entries.

So, here I am!

Back from the Mountain State!

The Return

It's Sunday Morning.

Yesterday was Mom and Dad's 52nd Wedding Anniversary.

#1 and I were able to prepare dinner for them and gave them cards. Then we all settled in for an extended viewing marathon of Perry Mason. The first half of season one was on sale at Wal-Mart and your's truly is always a sucker for a sale. So, I purchased it. #1 couldn't understand why I would buy such a thing...until she started watching.

Now she's hooked!

As I look at Mom and Dad, it truly warms my heart to see how their marriage has survived so long. They've had their ups and downs. Still their love for each other has remaind constant.

Why couldn't I have had something like that?

A guy in my shoes has to ask the question, will it ever happen for me? Not in a traditional sense of course...but will I have someone in my life like mother has dad?
or as Dad has Mother?

I thought I did...until June 9, 2005.

Oh well...live and learn.

I finally got the nerve up to read the separation agreement yesterday. No real surprises there. After a year you would think she would have at least read my version of the agreement. Either she did and chose to ignore my points, or she didn't read them at all.

Points I thought were settled months ago apparently were not. So, I have to start the "fight" all over again. So, we shall see.

After I post this, I'm headed home to Virginia. It should take approximately 6.5 hours...to drive. So, I'm headed back early.

Back into the firestorm.

The Continuing Saga

In the midst of all crises I've been going through with my mother, Lovey is there to add her two cents worth into the drama.

She's called a number of times to chat with mother and to alway say, "I've been praying for you."

Mother can't understand why it is that she is so concerned about her -- especially given the fact that when mother went through quadruple by-pass surgery in 1994 Lovey did not show as much concern -- AND we weren't going through separation/divorce at that time.

Such a mystery!

And, of course, when things were touch and go with mother this time, this is when Lovey gave me the separation agreement (after almost a year), because "she" wants to get this over with "as soon as possible."

I wrote her back briefly to say that my attorney would not be available until mid-September and that I would be in touch.

So, things have been very quiet from Lovey.

As time goes by, I'm finding that my bitterness and my feelings of distate and distrust of Lovey are at a constant high. Even my views of marriage are submerged in murky cynicism.

I don't see the need for marriage. I don't wish it for my kids, for my friends, for anyone that I truly care for.

Why bother?

Isn't this a sad commentary from the formerly staunch Christian conservative?

Gee, I don't know if this is a good philosophy....or not. But it is a change from how I used to think.

Mother Is Back Home!

Mother is back home, as of 4:30 this afternoon!

The doctor came in today and said that she is doing so very well, that she needed to be home in the midst of familiar surroundings and loved ones.

She can now eat everything in moderation.

She can climb her steps in moderation.

She can drink liquids in moderation.

In other words...she's doing fantastically well.

My family is ecstatic. I'm ecstatic.

She is looking better and acting better than she has in quite some time.

I now find myself utterly exhausted--primarily out of relief from the weeks of worry I've suffered from. I had everything worked out in my mind. I was so sure as to how things would work out.

I was wrong thankfully.

The human mind is an intricate machine. But, for all its abilities, it is unable to foretell the future. It can conjure up all sorts of scenarios and make us feel physically and emotionally unwell. In the end, it can all be incorrect. As in my case.

Words cannot begin to express my thankfulness at having my mother back again. My only prayer is that I will be able to enjoy her and dad for many more years to come.

Thanks to each of you for your coments of love and support. It is so comforting to know that you are all up there in my balcony, cheering me on as I negotiate the twists and turns in the play of my life.