Fat, Old and Cranky

Fat, old and cranky -- that's me!

I'm not sure that I told you this or not, but last week upon my return from the parents' house and in the midst of my rejoicing at mom's glowing health reports, I received a brief email from Lovey's former boss at the church, otherwise known as my pastor...(MP).

MP said that he had been thinking of me and my mother and that he wanted me to be well aware of the fact that he had been praying for us. He also wanted me to be sure to let him know when I returned to my home so that he could call me on the the telephone.

I can tell that I am cranky. Years ago I would have felt all gracious and nice inside for his note. Now I'm just angry and ready to go full tilt because MP has been here well over a year now. He knows quite well the drama that has been playing within my household. I'm sure that Lovey has filled in all the details.

No email....no cards......no phone calls in over a year! Now, he comes to me to say how much I have been in his prayers because of my mother. But WHY now?

So, I let all these negative thoughts sit and simmer. I was in no hurry to contact MP. I had some wounds to lick.... I had to become less cranky.

So last night I wrote him an email that let him know what I thought....and how I was feeling:

MP:

Thanks for your email. I have returned home and am currently spending some good family time with my daughters, #1 and #2.

I wanted you to know that I truly appreciate all your thoughts and prayers on my mother's behalf. She is indeed an answer to prayer and continues to make great improvements daily. I am greatly relieved that she is doing so well.

MP, while I'm responding to your email, I feel that I need to clear the air on another matter that has really been consuming me for quite sometime. It has left me rather raw. Since I've not really known what to say or how to address it ..I have remained silent and maintained a low profile at church. As a matter of fact, during Lovey's latter months there, I quit coming altogether. No one there knows any of what I have been through during the past year and two months. To put it succinctly, it has been hell.

Did you know that during all this I have not received one single call or note from K (the associate pastor), D (the interim pastor who shared with the congregation how the ministers at her exams felt they were on holy ground when they were in Lovey's presence -- see earlier entry), or yourself during the trauma of my separation and divorce? Near the end of the time that I did come, I felt like I was invisible. While I realize that because Lovey was on staff there, a natural outgrowth of this would be certain allegiances to her. I also realize that in a divorce action, folks generally feel the need to take sides. That's fine and I understand that. BUT...I'm not looking for people to choose sides. What I would have hoped for was that when my world was coming unglued....and I was questioning my spirituality....my relationship with God.....when I was feeling like a dung heap....when my self esteem was in the toilet.... A minister from my church would call or write to me and say, "Hey frank....I know that things are going on right now....and that you may be hurting. I just wanted you to know that I'm praying for you....that I care....that you will make it. I'm praying for you. Do you need anything?" That would have meant so very, very much.

But it just didn't happen.

I am not bitter. I'm not being petty or childish. I'm just a guy who is working to slowly rebuild his life after the person that he loved more than anyone or anything else walked out. It forced me to face many difficult issues head-on that I believed to be dealt with long ago. The pain, the profound sadness, and the loneliness have been daunting. The grief I have been through cannot be described.

To be honest, I don't know what to do about returning to church. Given the fact that so many people hold Lovey in such high regard, I don't know if I would even be welcome there or how I am viewed as a result of the publicized separation and divorce.

It's funny. As I continue through the grieving process, I am haunted by things from the past. For example, Lovey told me before we got married almost 25 years ago that her ministry would always come first. Silly me thought that I or the kids would occasionally come first.

I was mistaken.

It has been a long, long journey. I never thought I would be single again at the age of 48.

Frank

I sent this via email late last night. So far I have not received a response.

I may not EVER receive a response. At least I got what I need to off my chest and I feel a lot better.

I suppose that being fat, old and cranky is a plus! After all, when one is fat, old and cranky you just don't care anymore what people think about you and the need to walk on eggshells decreases.