What a day!
This is the first time I have had any moments to myself since I walked in the door to my office this morning! Meetings....meetings and more meetings.
There is joy being a government bureaucrat!
Last night I was invited out to dinner by two gay friends. One of them lives here locally. The other is from the West Coast and a member of one of the online support groups that I am a member of.
Why is it that I look so forward to these little meetings? I guess it's the affirmation.....the joy of just being myself without a guard up. There's no fear of discovery.
Through my 48 years on this planet, I never really had close male friends until I actually came to terms with my gayness. It's odd, but in straight situations I still am aloof and that wall of protection is still in place. BUT...with all of my gay friends, I'm able to laugh...to relax....and be me.
I don't have to keep secrets or worry about my gayness inadvertently slipping out.
The guys and I talked openly and honestly about where we are in our journeys. They are both involved in straight marriages and have been so involved for many years. They have children. They are successful.
We all talked about integration and how our sexuality permeates who we are and our very beings. It actually defines who we are and how we see the world.
It's not a choice.
We talked about how we came out. We compared the similarities of how our wives reacted.... Our needs for male friends....male intimacy.
Each man was different, yet the same.
I have many acquaintences, but very few friends.
Why?
Primarily because I define a true friend as someone who knows all there is to know about you, but still loves and supports you. Very few in my circle fit into that category.
When speaking of how we came out to our wives, I'm amazed at how supportive those guys' wives have been. One of them found out her husband was gay when she was watching a taped tv program. At the end, before she could turn the VCR off, she saw video footage of her husband being fisted by another man. Well, the husband couldn't lie his way out of that situation. He had to confess.
Everything.
With that footage playing in the background, there's no way to sugar coat the issue!
Still I was struck by her undying love for her husband. Her acceptance. Her willingness to learn and to try and understand. They are still together...three years after! He's 62.
I suppose that's what still hurts me the most about Lovey. After 25 years, where was the love? The acceptance? The willingness to learn and to try and understand?
Why did she turn into such an alien creature -- one that I didn't know -- a TOTAL stranger?
And now, I'm left with wondering if I want this woman in my life going forward. Do I really want her and her wacko family as friends? Do I just bow out? Gracefully?
Yes, she is the mother of my children. She's their mother...not mine.
I just need to breath....and continue taking it one day....one step at a time.
3 comments:
"I define a true friend as someone who knows all there is to know about you, but still loves and supports you."
I find this to be a very good definition. I always get a chuckle from this one:
"friends help you move, real friends help you move bodies."
Lovey: people change, you and she just changed...sure you might not have that heart gushing loving honeymoon feeling anymore, but I believe you can be loving friends.
Frank:
Your comments: “I have many acquaintances, but very few friends.” And
“I never really had close male friends until I actually came to terms with my gayness. It's odd, but in straight situations I still am aloof and that wall of protection is still in place. BUT...with all of my gay friends, I'm able to laugh...to relax....and be me.” Really ring true for me. The closet keeps me so very isolated. And since I am closeted even from my wife, there is no one who I see on a daily basis with whom “I'm able to laugh...to relax....and be me.”
Also from comments that she has made, I think that while she may at some level suspect that I am indeed gay, she does not want to have that fact confirmed. Then she would have to face some hard choices, and imperfect as the current situation may be, she prefers it to what may be the truth. She has a hard time with acceptance and willingness to learn and trying to understand.
My dear Frank
Where was the love/acceptance/willingness to learn and understand?
Lovey stayed with you, essentially living a lie, for 25 years!! THAT was the measure of her enormous love for you.
Finally, as most of us do, she had enough and got out. Like us, she probably yearns for an intimate relationship with a straight man; she may be grieving for 25 'lost' years trying to fight tgt (a fight she could never win because as you know tgt never goes away - it's not a choice).
BTW has it occurred to you that your friend's 'accepting' wife may not have a choice? Women in their 60s don't usually have the financial resources to leave.
Don't continue to be 'friends' with Lovey & her family. Let her go. Let her move on. In this way you will be able to move on too.
Post a Comment