This is going to ramble....simply because I'm feeling bad. I've done something to my right shoulder....and right now I'm miserable. It has been with me all weekend long...and last night it woke me around 3am.
Heard from #2 on Saturday. She wasn't chosen as one of the four finalists for the showcase. Although somewhat disappointed, she still was pretty upbeat and is confident that there are some great things in store for her. I know this is true. So, we just all have to be sensitive to when those moments appear.
I've suffered from the blues all weekend long. Pretty much what started this round was the fact that I was wading through all kinds of junk. The junk opened a locker full of memories. (Yes, I'm still cleaning and getting rid of 25 years of stuff.) And those memories gave way to the blues.
I got rid of a bookcase that had been Lovey's even before we married.
I hated that bookcase.
It was tall.
It was dark.
It was UGLY.
It was heavy.
But Lovey was attached to it. And so, it was a part of our family and moved with us from place to place. Always standing someplace...rather stately. After all, who had the strength to move the thing?
It always captured junk and was piled high...Lovey's sermon books......photo albums....baby books.....in one incarnation, I latched onto it to store my vinyl collection.
At the separation, it lived in the rec room holding the kids' baseball card collection....and board games.
When Lovey left for the Shenandoah Valley, she didn't want the bookcase. So, I made an executive decision to get rid of it.
Actually it was in two separate cabinets. I got one cabinet to go to the home of a young female minister -- very appropriate don't you think?
This one remaining part of the cabinet went to a disabled man in a nursing home who needed a shelf for his collection of books.
So, at least, I made someone happy.
But in cleaning out, I succeeded in giving myself the blues. I came across anniversary cards......father's day cards.......birthday cards.......
All from Lovey.
To me.
Tears welled up.... Gee, I'm not sure from where. I thought I had cried them all away... But...there they were....buckets of them...
Nobody knows that I let them fall......except the Dog....and now you.
The 4 trash bags were filled.....4 bags of remnants from 25 years went to the curb this morning.
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Friday, October 27, 2006
A FLASH from Nashville!!
Daughter #2 phoned from Nashville breathlessly!
This has been a very busy week for her. She graduates in December from a private school with two degrees in Music Performance and Music Business, summa cum laude. On top of this, her main desire is to become a performer. So, she decided to enter a showcase that would give her the opportunity to perform three songs in front of heavy hitters in Nashville -- music industry people!
The way this works is that applicants are received from over 50 individuals. Each applicant submits a tape of their performing, and other basic information. The applicants are reviewed and scored. Only 8 are called back for a live audition in front of the judges....which also include some heavy hitters. Of the 8, 4 are selected to the actual showcase.
Well, Daughter #2 called to say that she was one of the final 8!
Needless to say, Frank's house has been pretty excited about this latest development.
Her audition is at 2pm, Nashville time on Saturday. We'll know by 6pm Nasvhille Time on Saturday if she's performing. If she's selected, I'm headed for Nashville Veterans Day Weekend to watch her do her thing!
Your thoughts, good wishes and prayers are very welcomed at this moment!
This has been a very busy week for her. She graduates in December from a private school with two degrees in Music Performance and Music Business, summa cum laude. On top of this, her main desire is to become a performer. So, she decided to enter a showcase that would give her the opportunity to perform three songs in front of heavy hitters in Nashville -- music industry people!
The way this works is that applicants are received from over 50 individuals. Each applicant submits a tape of their performing, and other basic information. The applicants are reviewed and scored. Only 8 are called back for a live audition in front of the judges....which also include some heavy hitters. Of the 8, 4 are selected to the actual showcase.
Well, Daughter #2 called to say that she was one of the final 8!
Needless to say, Frank's house has been pretty excited about this latest development.
Her audition is at 2pm, Nashville time on Saturday. We'll know by 6pm Nasvhille Time on Saturday if she's performing. If she's selected, I'm headed for Nashville Veterans Day Weekend to watch her do her thing!
Your thoughts, good wishes and prayers are very welcomed at this moment!
Frank and the Night Visitors
Night before last I had a group of night visitors.
I wasn't expecting them.
They just showed up.
Unannounced.
Unplanned.
They were just there.
I was sitting in my downstairs rec room enjoying my new large screen high definition television. The voice of #1 drifted down brightly, "Dad, you've got company! C'mon upstairs!"
So, thinking it was some hot male admirer that had just crawled in off the street to offer his homage to me, I scampered up the stairs.
When I got to the top of the stairs, there was Lovey's family! You know...the ones that hadn't invited me to all the family festivities during the week. The people who said that I would always be a part of their family....like a brother!
Yes, them!
There stood Mom O'Lovey.
Lovey's baby sister...
Lovey's sister: Madam Knows Everything from Colorado.
AND...Lovey's niece...the one that wanted me to attend the wedding in Cozumel.
And do you know what they were all doing?
They were oohing....and ahhhing over what I had done to the place. It seems that they had all received reports of what all I was doing and wanted to come and see first hand.
So, there they all were.
I immediately became the gracious and warm host. I greeted them all with hugs and kisses and told them how good it was to see all of them. They talked on and on and on.
It was all very positive....nothing negative.
I wasn't expecting them.
They just showed up.
Unannounced.
Unplanned.
They were just there.
I was sitting in my downstairs rec room enjoying my new large screen high definition television. The voice of #1 drifted down brightly, "Dad, you've got company! C'mon upstairs!"
So, thinking it was some hot male admirer that had just crawled in off the street to offer his homage to me, I scampered up the stairs.
When I got to the top of the stairs, there was Lovey's family! You know...the ones that hadn't invited me to all the family festivities during the week. The people who said that I would always be a part of their family....like a brother!
Yes, them!
There stood Mom O'Lovey.
Lovey's baby sister...
Lovey's sister: Madam Knows Everything from Colorado.
AND...Lovey's niece...the one that wanted me to attend the wedding in Cozumel.
And do you know what they were all doing?
They were oohing....and ahhhing over what I had done to the place. It seems that they had all received reports of what all I was doing and wanted to come and see first hand.
So, there they all were.
I immediately became the gracious and warm host. I greeted them all with hugs and kisses and told them how good it was to see all of them. They talked on and on and on.
It was all very positive....nothing negative.
Thursday, October 26, 2006
Still Waiting
Three weeks ago today was the last time I discussed divorce with Lovey.
She got testy.
She accused me of being difficult simply because I asked some questions about her agreement and pointed out glaring errors. So, I told her to go ahead and send me a final version of her proposed separation agreement.
Still no word.
So, I guess I'm still married.
My silver anniversary is fast approaching.
I'm feeling mighty special...indeed!
It has been a very INTERESTING week. Since I last wrote, another death has occurred in the family. This one wasn't an act of God....or done in his time.... Mom O'Lovey had her cat put down. It was a she, named SPUNKY. She had been around for almost 20 years. Dad O'Lovey loved that cat. I know it was hard on the widow.
I hear that she brought the cat carcass home...in a Meleleuca box. (Yes, the O'Lovey family are fans of Meleleuca!) She was placed on view on the piano bench. Lovey's sister from Colorado....Madam Expert on everything.....was there too. Periodically she would move to the box...look inside and say, "Here Kitty....Here Kitty.....she even picked up it's tail and shook it around and said..."Look, it's alive!")
Mom O'lovey is planning to cremate Spunky....and bury it near Dad O'Lovey. So far she hasn't done it.
Spunky fell out of the Meleleuca box yesterday afternoon....and it the floor. (Madam Expert picked her up and exclaimed...."My this is DEAD weight!")
Now Spunky is in sweet repose in the garage....in a new Meleleuca box.
No word yet on when the deed will be done in terms of cremation.
I assume it should be soon. Don't dead...unembalmed things....begin to emit aromas after a while?
I suppose I will learn soon.
She got testy.
She accused me of being difficult simply because I asked some questions about her agreement and pointed out glaring errors. So, I told her to go ahead and send me a final version of her proposed separation agreement.
Still no word.
So, I guess I'm still married.
My silver anniversary is fast approaching.
I'm feeling mighty special...indeed!
It has been a very INTERESTING week. Since I last wrote, another death has occurred in the family. This one wasn't an act of God....or done in his time.... Mom O'Lovey had her cat put down. It was a she, named SPUNKY. She had been around for almost 20 years. Dad O'Lovey loved that cat. I know it was hard on the widow.
I hear that she brought the cat carcass home...in a Meleleuca box. (Yes, the O'Lovey family are fans of Meleleuca!) She was placed on view on the piano bench. Lovey's sister from Colorado....Madam Expert on everything.....was there too. Periodically she would move to the box...look inside and say, "Here Kitty....Here Kitty.....she even picked up it's tail and shook it around and said..."Look, it's alive!")
Mom O'lovey is planning to cremate Spunky....and bury it near Dad O'Lovey. So far she hasn't done it.
Spunky fell out of the Meleleuca box yesterday afternoon....and it the floor. (Madam Expert picked her up and exclaimed...."My this is DEAD weight!")
Now Spunky is in sweet repose in the garage....in a new Meleleuca box.
No word yet on when the deed will be done in terms of cremation.
I assume it should be soon. Don't dead...unembalmed things....begin to emit aromas after a while?
I suppose I will learn soon.
Monday, October 23, 2006
A Death In The Family
As I've said, I grew up as an only child. I had no brothers and sisters per se, but the one thing I did have were tons and tons of first cousins who were around my age and we got together frequently. We went to visit them, or they would come to us. We'd spend lots of time playing all kinds of games...hide and seek.....tag.....baseball.....kickball.....board games.....watch TV.....just everything.
Sorry to say, as I've grown older....and moved away from the majority of my family to the big metropolitan area over 400 miles away.....and...**Sigh** the gay thing.....all contributed to the fact that I lost that early closeness with a lot of them.
One thing that I did was to place an emphasis on occasional family reunions that occurred. Even though I went to a lot of these gatherings without my wife, I was able to rekindle those relationships...a little.
One of these cousins was a person that I viewed as kind of special. I don't know why...but it just happened. I remember very well when he came to earth. My mom and dad have a picture of me (all dressed in a white shirt with a bow tie....and perfectly coiffed hair...circa 1963) sitting in the grass of our backyard. Beside me was this little baby boy with dark curly hair. He was barely able to sit up....and there I was.....keeping my hand gently planted on his back....keeping him steady for the camera. And there's that picture...over 40 years later....me sitting thoughtfully...looking down....biting my lip.....and working hard to keep the baby from falling over.
That boy grew up in a sad home life. His father was my dad's older brother. The marriage that brought John to the world didn't last a long time. He had a younger sister. Their mother ran off with a wrong element....she divorced the dad.... The dad, with limited education and career prospects struggled to take care of his young charges. They all moved in with his elderly parents.....who by that time were in their mid-70s.
John had learning difficulties....and speech difficulties. He had a very hard life.
His sister grew up and moved away to the horse country of Kentucky.
John married several times....had some kids.....had some step kids.....and always seemed to live hand-to-mouth.
I saw him about 3 or 4 years ago at one of those family reunions. He still had a speech defect...but his eyes danced to life when our eyes met. I knew him....and he knew me. We talked a mile a minute....trying to catch up. Where did all those years go? I told him about that picture I described earlier. He hadn't seen it. As a matter of fact, he told me that he had very few pictures of himself as a boy...because they got lost...or thrown away during the many family moves and tumult in his young life.
Over the next little while, John moved around a whole lot. Folks never could seem to give me an address for me to send him a copy of the picture. He movved so much that no one could keep his roaming ways straight.
John died Sunday morning at 5:30 -- at 45 -- younger than me.
His funeral will be that of a pauper. You see, he had been on disability from whatever employment he was able to have. He had made application to have social security benefits given to him retroactively for several years since his disability.
That application was approved.
The check was set to be issued, with all the back payments to be included, on November 1st.
But he died Sunday...October 22....a few days short.
His funeral will be Wednesday. Another cousin will be the minister in charge. The burial will be that afternoon. His grave will be near to where I will ultimately rest.
This time no one was there to keep him from falling....at such a young age.
Sorry to say, as I've grown older....and moved away from the majority of my family to the big metropolitan area over 400 miles away.....and...**Sigh** the gay thing.....all contributed to the fact that I lost that early closeness with a lot of them.
One thing that I did was to place an emphasis on occasional family reunions that occurred. Even though I went to a lot of these gatherings without my wife, I was able to rekindle those relationships...a little.
One of these cousins was a person that I viewed as kind of special. I don't know why...but it just happened. I remember very well when he came to earth. My mom and dad have a picture of me (all dressed in a white shirt with a bow tie....and perfectly coiffed hair...circa 1963) sitting in the grass of our backyard. Beside me was this little baby boy with dark curly hair. He was barely able to sit up....and there I was.....keeping my hand gently planted on his back....keeping him steady for the camera. And there's that picture...over 40 years later....me sitting thoughtfully...looking down....biting my lip.....and working hard to keep the baby from falling over.
That boy grew up in a sad home life. His father was my dad's older brother. The marriage that brought John to the world didn't last a long time. He had a younger sister. Their mother ran off with a wrong element....she divorced the dad.... The dad, with limited education and career prospects struggled to take care of his young charges. They all moved in with his elderly parents.....who by that time were in their mid-70s.
John had learning difficulties....and speech difficulties. He had a very hard life.
His sister grew up and moved away to the horse country of Kentucky.
John married several times....had some kids.....had some step kids.....and always seemed to live hand-to-mouth.
I saw him about 3 or 4 years ago at one of those family reunions. He still had a speech defect...but his eyes danced to life when our eyes met. I knew him....and he knew me. We talked a mile a minute....trying to catch up. Where did all those years go? I told him about that picture I described earlier. He hadn't seen it. As a matter of fact, he told me that he had very few pictures of himself as a boy...because they got lost...or thrown away during the many family moves and tumult in his young life.
Over the next little while, John moved around a whole lot. Folks never could seem to give me an address for me to send him a copy of the picture. He movved so much that no one could keep his roaming ways straight.
John died Sunday morning at 5:30 -- at 45 -- younger than me.
His funeral will be that of a pauper. You see, he had been on disability from whatever employment he was able to have. He had made application to have social security benefits given to him retroactively for several years since his disability.
That application was approved.
The check was set to be issued, with all the back payments to be included, on November 1st.
But he died Sunday...October 22....a few days short.
His funeral will be Wednesday. Another cousin will be the minister in charge. The burial will be that afternoon. His grave will be near to where I will ultimately rest.
This time no one was there to keep him from falling....at such a young age.
Sunday, October 22, 2006
Families and Divorce
Sunday was another first in the continuing saga of Frank and Lovey.
This time, there was a family gathering....and for the first time in 25 years.....I was not invited to Mom O'Lovey's after church. Mom O'Lovey had me sit with her at church today.... I did.. Nothing mentioned of the festivities planned. She did make a passing mention about a man at our church that is her neighbor...and how she had him at her house for last Thanksgiving. Now when Lovey and her three sisters are all together...as they were at Thanksgiving, there are invariably arguments. I've grown to accept them...and to watch them unfold every year. However, a couple of days later, he called Mom O'Lovey to say, "Do your children always yell and argue at gatheirngs like that?"
Mom O'Lovey thought his comments were awful. "Why they weren't arguing...they were having a lively discussion! It's clear that you were an only child and never had normal interractions with siblings."
He was unphased.
I'm an only child too....but have been around lots of families who gather for meals.....and I've never been to one as lively as the O"lovey's.
Something always outrageous occurs when they get together.
One year, one of the sisters put cat food on her father's plate at Thanksgiving. At another Thanksgiving feast, there was a shrieking match between sisters. Then at another meal, the sisters made fun of their hard of hearing father. Several of the final gatherings I've been part of, the baby sister has been nagging at her husband for the amount of food/sweets, etc. he likes to eat. Her comments are biting.
It really didn't bother me, per se...until after it was all over... I had a very busy day....
But when I got home...it hit me. Since this silly divorce began, this is the first time I was not invited to a family gathering. It was a bit shocking given all their talk of how I had been in the family for so long....they wanted me to be in the family and consider myself as a part of the family....
Even though divorce is looming....
And I believed them.
It was shocking....it felt strange....different.... But even stranger was the fact that I wasn't totally crushed by it. No doubt that Lovey has demonized me to her family. After all I made her life hell. She made this clear to me in our telephone conversation of two weeks ago.
So, if I were on the other side looking at this situation, I wouldn't want to have me at a family gathering either.
But it is still a little strange to not be included....25 year traditions are hard to change.
It's an adjustment.
I enjoy my piece of mind....the peace and quiet....
I will take that over the shrieking...the fights....the "discussions".....the biting comments to spouses......the cat food.....
ANY DAY.
A is for Adultery
This weekend I have been depressed.
Oh, I know what you're thinking....
"Here he goes again....why can't he get it together?"
Well, I've said this repeatedly throughout the writing of this blog....and that is, this writing that I do will not be edited....or sugar coated....or to necessarily make me look my best.
This is who I am.
I do not have all the answers.
AND....I'm not happy all the time.
This weekend was a bummer...
#1 asked me what was going on with me. So I told her...I was struggling with being perceived as something that I'm not...but there is not a thing that I can do about it.
Then, #1 pointed out all my shortcomings....the biggest one was that I committed adultery against her mom.
I listened.
I thought of a million comebacks....explanations....rationalizations. But when you get down to it....
"Yup, I committed adultery."
I sighed, and looked her deeply in the eyes and said, "Do we really have to go here in this conversation right now? I apologized to your mother over a year ago for that.... Do I have to be beat over the head about this until I die?"
She grew silent.
"She new I was gay for 24 years. Not once did she say to not do anything..... She encouraged me to be who I was..."
My voice trailed off.
I just don't know what else to do. I've apologized. I've cried. I've tried to rise above all these horrid feelings of failure. Still they are all right there....hovering just barely above my head....ready fog me in...to paralyze me from doing anything. How do I forgive myself?
God I hate this.
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Was it really a year ago?
Time has a way of marching on and in my nightly time of reflecting before drifting off to sleep, I realized that it has been just over a year since I bought Lovey out of the house!
I then started thinking about all that I have accomplished in that time. It's quite impressive.
Had the house painted.
Had new brick sidewalks installed leading to my house.
Redid the front yard with a nice grass.
Had my bedroom repainted.
Repainted my daughter's room.
Had fence and deck replaced.
Replaced curtains with plantation shutters throughout the house.
Installed new furniture throughout.
Got rid of boxes and boxes of junk.
Got rid of yucky old funiture.
Had new carpet installed.
WOW!
In doing all this, I discovered to my amusement, that I do have taste and a sense of color: qualities Lovey said I never possessed.
I really can't get over how frightened I was of making these types of decisions....and my fear of June 20.
Things do have a way of working themselves out.
I suppose upon further reflection, I was just a bit overwhelmed by all the changes hitting my life at once. I obviously don't like change...and divorce certainly brings it to one's life big time.
BUT...I'm making it....
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
A Book
For years I've loved writing.
It's part of my job. It's one of the few things I tend to do well.
I've always wanted to tell my story to a larger audience.
Almost 19 years ago, I started a manuscript. It had 8 chapters. I lost it. Then, during Lovey's move...the manuscript was found again all neatly typed in a white binder. The paper has yellowed....and it smells kind of musty....but I brought it to work with me.
I photocopied it....so that it wouldn't smell musty. I put it into a bright, new, BIG binder. No, I'm not ambitious, but I have printed out all 133 posts from this blog, along with a lot of writings I have completed during this time of adjustment, pain, and grief.
I think I'm ready to begin pulling it together -- seriously.
I think it will help others.
AND...who knows? Maybe it will do well.
I really don't care how well it does. If it just helps one lonely gay guy out there....then it will be worth it.
My gayness has led me to a number of people -- people who are so much like me -- hurting and alone.
Frightened.
Unsure of the next steps.
Keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I begin this work.
It's part of my job. It's one of the few things I tend to do well.
I've always wanted to tell my story to a larger audience.
Almost 19 years ago, I started a manuscript. It had 8 chapters. I lost it. Then, during Lovey's move...the manuscript was found again all neatly typed in a white binder. The paper has yellowed....and it smells kind of musty....but I brought it to work with me.
I photocopied it....so that it wouldn't smell musty. I put it into a bright, new, BIG binder. No, I'm not ambitious, but I have printed out all 133 posts from this blog, along with a lot of writings I have completed during this time of adjustment, pain, and grief.
I think I'm ready to begin pulling it together -- seriously.
I think it will help others.
AND...who knows? Maybe it will do well.
I really don't care how well it does. If it just helps one lonely gay guy out there....then it will be worth it.
My gayness has led me to a number of people -- people who are so much like me -- hurting and alone.
Frightened.
Unsure of the next steps.
Keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I begin this work.
Monday, October 16, 2006
The Confession
I've just started reading the McGreevey Book...."The Confession"...and something struck me. That's McGreevey and his lover, Golan Cipel in the photograph.
In one of the early passages, he talks about a conversation he had with his lover, Golan Cipel, while McGreevey was still governor of New Jersey. He speaks quite fondly of him ... I guess as we all would about former lovers. But, he did say something that has sort of stuck with me.
He says something to the effect that in conversations with Cipel, he looked around at all the trappings of governorship.....and told Cipel that he would give it all up for him.
Is this commitment or what?
I don't know about you....but most of us who have found ourselves virtually trapped in a marriage....and then we meet our soulmate.....who happens to be another man....most of us are scared out of our wits.
We're consumed by fear.
Many fears actually.....fear of discovery.....fear of inadvertent disclosure to our wives.....fear of the loss of our life as we know it.
But here, McGreevey says that he was willing to kiss it all goodbye...to be with Cipel.
I've never had anyone be willing to do that for me..... My own wife couldn't leave her ministry long enough to focus on me or the kids. So many marriages are driven by the ambitions of one or both parties....and usually neither is willing to sacrifice.
Is this how its supposed to be? Are each of us supposed to have our own agendas in our lives that we can't sacrifice to say...."I'd give all this up for you?" Would I be willing to do that?
Could you?
In the end, McGreevey did give it all up. But his motive changed...he wanted to be a man of integrity.....and he's succeeding.
Good for him!
When it comes down to it.....is living a life of integrity.......without lies......out of the deep darkness of the closet......more important....than staying hidden....staying miserable.....living with the masks....the lies....the deception?
Having suffered my years of drama....lies.....and the like, I think not.
Sunday, October 15, 2006
Plans and Dreams
It has been a great visit to West Virginia this weekend. My parents are doing well.
I especially loved spending quality one-on-one times with my baby girl (pictured above).
She has dreams of becoming a singer....an artist: doing concerts, making CDs, becoming famous...the whole nine yards.
I believe that after graduation, things are going to start happening for her.
BIG TIME!
She graduates on December 15, 2006.
I'm so proud of her. Seeing her and hearing her speak with excitement about the recording sessions she has sat in on. (She's interning her second time for one of the top producers in Nashville.) She also, matter-of-factly, drops the names of some well known artists that she has gotten to know.
She's not star struck in anyway. For her, it's just another day at the office.
She's currently working her demo.
We've made an pact -- she and I. She's going to become a famous singer. I am to become a famous writer.
Wouldn't that be funny?
Look out world....we're on our way!
Saturday, October 14, 2006
House Pictures!
You all have been wanting to see pictures of what I've done to the house.....so here they are.
The other rooms are still in progress....but these two rooms are pretty much complete.
Enjoy!
In my last post I said that I was in a writing mood this weekend. It's amazing what a Peppermint Moca does for one's writing inspiration!
The other rooms are still in progress....but these two rooms are pretty much complete.
Enjoy!
In my last post I said that I was in a writing mood this weekend. It's amazing what a Peppermint Moca does for one's writing inspiration!
A Break from the Autumn Blues
I used to dread the fall.
I hated the colors brown, bright orange, and yellow.
I hated the chill in the air.
I hated going back to school.
Even after 30 or so years out of school, I found that
this time of year was the pits. It was exacerbated 3
years ago, when my wife lowered the boom on me the
first time. Totally unprepared -- I was not expecting
her to say calmly over a breakfast of toast, scrambled
eggs, and bacon, that she wanted a divorce.
I melted down.
Totally.
It probably was the only time in my life that I felt
like I perhaps had a nervous breakdown...or at least
had something very close to one.
Depression added to the bad feelings I had for Autumn.
Well, about 4 months later, my wife changed her mind
and said that she couldn't live without me. She said
that she couldn't divorce me. Blah...blah.
At the same time, her dad became quite ill. He died
the following August.
I was skeptical of my wife....I didn't trust her as
far as I could throw her.
I was on my guard for the "next time" she'd say the D
word.
And I was right.....June 9, 2005....it came!
Last fall was my autumn from hell. That October they
got around to burying my father in law's remains. (He
died in August 2004. He wasn't picked up from the
mortuary until May 2005. He stayed behind our
television, on the floor, during that summer....June,
July, August. Periodically my wife would open the
container and show his ashes to guests....I couldn't
believe it. In late August, he was dispatched to his
wife's home, where she kept him in a hamper in her
walk-in closet.)
The night before he was buried....his wife and four
daughters each scooped out some ashes to keep. Lovey
I think put him in tupperware.
What was left went into a hole int he ground in our
church's cemetery. I didn't go to that.... my wife
in her ultimate wisdom outted me to everyone in her
family just prior to that and I felt naked.
And cold.
It was Autumn.
But this Autumn, I wanted to change my perceptions and
overlay something new and pleasant that would erase my
tendence to suffer from the Autmn blues.
My youngest daughter invited me to meet her at my
parent's....to spend some much needed father/daughter
time. "I need one of your hugs," she said.
So here I sit....on a brisk autumn day in the
mountains...at Starbuck's....watching my daughter work
on a paper on her laptop....and I'm feeling inspired
to write here.
The sun is streaming in brightly..... Eveyrthing
feels different. I'm relaxed. I'm happy.
Yes, I've definitely taken a break from the Autumn
Blues!
Thursday, October 12, 2006
A Total Surprise
I have had a very busy day at the office. In a few moments, I will be locking up for the evening and getting on the road.
A little while ago, I returned to my office from a meeting and on my chair was a blue envelope. It was addressed simply to "Frank".
Here's what the the contents said:
"You know, there's only one thing that separates a GOOD boss from a GREAT boss. FANTASTIC EMPLOYEES (Like us!) Yeah! Happy Boss's Day"
Each of my employees signed the card, and here's what they had to say:
"Frank, Enjoy this day. You've earned it. Keith"
"Have a great day!" Kim"
"Enjoy! Jackie"
"You're the best for sure! Pam"
"Thanks for all your encouragement and support. Happy Boss's Day! Norma"
"Have a wonderful day. Kevin"
"Frank, May you have a wonderful day. It's nice to have you as my boss. Felicia"
I was a bit overwhelmed by this. They've never done this before.
I'm blessed with a group like this to work with!
I had to share.
A little while ago, I returned to my office from a meeting and on my chair was a blue envelope. It was addressed simply to "Frank".
Here's what the the contents said:
"You know, there's only one thing that separates a GOOD boss from a GREAT boss. FANTASTIC EMPLOYEES (Like us!) Yeah! Happy Boss's Day"
Each of my employees signed the card, and here's what they had to say:
"Frank, Enjoy this day. You've earned it. Keith"
"Have a great day!" Kim"
"Enjoy! Jackie"
"You're the best for sure! Pam"
"Thanks for all your encouragement and support. Happy Boss's Day! Norma"
"Have a wonderful day. Kevin"
"Frank, May you have a wonderful day. It's nice to have you as my boss. Felicia"
I was a bit overwhelmed by this. They've never done this before.
I'm blessed with a group like this to work with!
I had to share.
Introspection
I had simply forgotten just how wonderful it is to have alone time.
Time to think.
Time to reflect.
Time to plan.
Time to remember.
Over the years, not only did I forget the art of introspection, but some memories were just too painful to think about. So, I packaged them all away in my memory bank and bannished them from my consciousness.
Now, along with everything else, they are beginning to surface. And now, after so much time, I've found that they aren't nearly as painful memories as I had remembered.
Thank goodness for time.
One of the memories I have come across is one from first grade. Why this should surface at this point in my life, but here it goes.
I had a horror of a teacher, who, upon looking back now was a spinster. In her 60's, she was the epitome of what today would be called BUTCHNESS. And, on top of this, she made it clear that she had no time for boys in her class. I remember at the time, trying to process this in my 6 year old mind: why doesn't she like me?
On the first day of school, she put me in the corner for talking. She made fun of me and taunted me for not having gone to kindergarten. She told me that I was ugly. She told me that I had a big neck.
On and on she would taunt, belittle, and spank...primarily BOYS. Come to think about it....I don't think I ever saw her mistreat a little girl.
It makes one wonder how someone like that could be a teacher. She taught for many years too.
I've since learned that she died finally, circa 1980. From what I learned, she died a very sad and painful death.
All the things I can remember about her could fill a book. But I won't belabor this.
When folks talk about their fondness for their teachers, I never forget to mention my first grade teacher....I say that she was something else....and had to hold down a second job as a test pilot in a broom factory.
"Surrender Dorothy!"
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
A Neglected Spirit
Some of the "old" Frank that appears to be surfacing here and there is the one concerning my spirituality.
I tell my kids that I used to be a nice person.
I went to church everytime the church doors were open.
Heck, I even had keys!
But through the period of my fighting the gay thing....and dealing with my insecurities.......and protecting Lovey from the criticism by her family of her mothering and housekeeping skills and others who criticized her ministry, I somehow lost my direction. Spiritually, I was merely "going through the motions."
I also seemed to spend a lot of time not feeling well, or feeling exhausted. Depression? Perhaps.
But now that I am mentally/emotionally divorced from Lovey, it is such a comfort to find bits and pieces of my spirituality resurfacing intact. AND...I feel that God is my constant companion.
I'm such a perfectionist towards myself. My goal is to have my spirituality back 100%...not bits and pieces. I suspect, it will return 100%. I will not be totally satisfied until I'm back to where I was. I know me.
In time.
In His time.
During my heated exchange with Lovey last week, I mentioned that I am recovering from things fairly nicely. What a change!
Coldly she asked, "How's that?"
Keep in mind that this was after she had laid into me about how her married life was hell. We mustn't forget those wooden spoons....toilet seats....dogs....cats.....
I responded in a very nice way, "I'm getting my spirituality back. I'm feeling like my old self.....pre-YOU."
"Well!! I wish you had been more spiritual when we were married. Why the change NOW?" Daggered icecicles wouldn't have been more sharp.
(This is from the woman, who among other things, puts down on her resume that she was the youth minister at a church....when in fact, I was the one hired...but I digress.)
I thought for a moment and said, "You know. I guess it's because I always felt we were in a contest. I don't like contests. I never enter into them. So, when you made me feel like we were locked into one....I backed away....and let you have your glory."
Lovey grew quiet.
"I never meant to be that way," she said.
"It was still conveyed....loud and clear." I responded.
So, as I am remembering how to listen again to God's leading and direction, I'm feeling that something neat is going to be happening for me. God has let me know that it will be something that will "blow my mind."
He hasn't given me the date.
The time.
The place.
But it's coming.
When I'm ready.
I tell my kids that I used to be a nice person.
I went to church everytime the church doors were open.
Heck, I even had keys!
But through the period of my fighting the gay thing....and dealing with my insecurities.......and protecting Lovey from the criticism by her family of her mothering and housekeeping skills and others who criticized her ministry, I somehow lost my direction. Spiritually, I was merely "going through the motions."
I also seemed to spend a lot of time not feeling well, or feeling exhausted. Depression? Perhaps.
But now that I am mentally/emotionally divorced from Lovey, it is such a comfort to find bits and pieces of my spirituality resurfacing intact. AND...I feel that God is my constant companion.
I'm such a perfectionist towards myself. My goal is to have my spirituality back 100%...not bits and pieces. I suspect, it will return 100%. I will not be totally satisfied until I'm back to where I was. I know me.
In time.
In His time.
During my heated exchange with Lovey last week, I mentioned that I am recovering from things fairly nicely. What a change!
Coldly she asked, "How's that?"
Keep in mind that this was after she had laid into me about how her married life was hell. We mustn't forget those wooden spoons....toilet seats....dogs....cats.....
I responded in a very nice way, "I'm getting my spirituality back. I'm feeling like my old self.....pre-YOU."
"Well!! I wish you had been more spiritual when we were married. Why the change NOW?" Daggered icecicles wouldn't have been more sharp.
(This is from the woman, who among other things, puts down on her resume that she was the youth minister at a church....when in fact, I was the one hired...but I digress.)
I thought for a moment and said, "You know. I guess it's because I always felt we were in a contest. I don't like contests. I never enter into them. So, when you made me feel like we were locked into one....I backed away....and let you have your glory."
Lovey grew quiet.
"I never meant to be that way," she said.
"It was still conveyed....loud and clear." I responded.
So, as I am remembering how to listen again to God's leading and direction, I'm feeling that something neat is going to be happening for me. God has let me know that it will be something that will "blow my mind."
He hasn't given me the date.
The time.
The place.
But it's coming.
When I'm ready.
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
ICK!
My life appears to be settling down.
A lot.
My blood pressure has continued to drop. My doctors are all pleased.
This past Thursday, I went in for an endoscopy and a colonoscopy. I figured that because my mother had waited so long, and nearly paid the ultimate price for her folly, that I wouldn't make the same mistake, and have it all done...2 years early. I'm 48 and they recommend that you have such things beginning at age 50. So, if you're around my age, don't put it off. You'll be glad that you did.
I received some great news. I am all clear. No polyps. Nothing odd or different "there"...so they want to see me back to have another colonoscopy in 5 years.
The endoscopy revealed that I have the H. Pylori bacteria. It's the little varmint they've decided that causes peptic ulcers. In my case, there were numerous "erosions" that indicated that I had had the bacteria in my stomach for many years. The doctor said that it is transmitted through food and water. He did multiple biopsies just to make sure of his diagnosis. However, he was pretty confident of what the culprit was.
Now, I must confess that I have had stomach "issues" for the past 5-7 years. I've had lots of gurgling, bloating, gas, etc. I always attributed it to my diabetes and the resulting metabolism disruptions. I lost my appetite. Food did not taste right. I had heartburn...tomato sauces or rich gravies...and even water would give me heart burn. Diahrrea was fierce. ICK. I felt like older age had dealt me some "unlucky" cards.
The doctor gave me some rather strong antibiotics and other medicines to destroy the bacteria and to allow the erosions to heal. I've now been on those medications for six days and to be totally honest, I have never felt so good. The food feels good going down....and I feel as though I'm getting nourishment. The food even tastes better.
I am amazed at how good I feel....and in turn, how it has affected my overall mood.
That mood helped me a whole lot when Lovey called the evening of my procedure to bitch. She also hurled barbs about how I had made her life hell during our marriage, and how I've not been supporting her. It just goes on and on.
But I was in a much better place, and I challenged her comments. I pointed out that the separation and divorce had been delayed because SHE had not approved the settle agreement in over a year. I also cited the fact that she had lived in my home rent-free and utility free for over a year.
She tried to get nasty...but I just kept my distance emotionally and relaxed. Much like the old Frank of many years ago.
It's funny...but now I'm beginning to see lots of little glimmers of the old Frank of many years ago....pre-Lovey.
I'm hopeful. Stay tuned.
A lot.
My blood pressure has continued to drop. My doctors are all pleased.
This past Thursday, I went in for an endoscopy and a colonoscopy. I figured that because my mother had waited so long, and nearly paid the ultimate price for her folly, that I wouldn't make the same mistake, and have it all done...2 years early. I'm 48 and they recommend that you have such things beginning at age 50. So, if you're around my age, don't put it off. You'll be glad that you did.
I received some great news. I am all clear. No polyps. Nothing odd or different "there"...so they want to see me back to have another colonoscopy in 5 years.
The endoscopy revealed that I have the H. Pylori bacteria. It's the little varmint they've decided that causes peptic ulcers. In my case, there were numerous "erosions" that indicated that I had had the bacteria in my stomach for many years. The doctor said that it is transmitted through food and water. He did multiple biopsies just to make sure of his diagnosis. However, he was pretty confident of what the culprit was.
Now, I must confess that I have had stomach "issues" for the past 5-7 years. I've had lots of gurgling, bloating, gas, etc. I always attributed it to my diabetes and the resulting metabolism disruptions. I lost my appetite. Food did not taste right. I had heartburn...tomato sauces or rich gravies...and even water would give me heart burn. Diahrrea was fierce. ICK. I felt like older age had dealt me some "unlucky" cards.
The doctor gave me some rather strong antibiotics and other medicines to destroy the bacteria and to allow the erosions to heal. I've now been on those medications for six days and to be totally honest, I have never felt so good. The food feels good going down....and I feel as though I'm getting nourishment. The food even tastes better.
I am amazed at how good I feel....and in turn, how it has affected my overall mood.
That mood helped me a whole lot when Lovey called the evening of my procedure to bitch. She also hurled barbs about how I had made her life hell during our marriage, and how I've not been supporting her. It just goes on and on.
But I was in a much better place, and I challenged her comments. I pointed out that the separation and divorce had been delayed because SHE had not approved the settle agreement in over a year. I also cited the fact that she had lived in my home rent-free and utility free for over a year.
She tried to get nasty...but I just kept my distance emotionally and relaxed. Much like the old Frank of many years ago.
It's funny...but now I'm beginning to see lots of little glimmers of the old Frank of many years ago....pre-Lovey.
I'm hopeful. Stay tuned.
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
Settling Dust
I'm back home now after having spent a few days away at the beach with a close friend and #1. #1 and I worked to help him close up his house for the winter.
But it was just good to get away and vary the routine a bit...and not to just be working on the house (will it ever end?). Honestly, to be able to just hang out was really super.
On Saturday we visited some casinos. Now, #1 has never darkened the door of a casino before. But there we were. It was really a good experience for her. Although she and I don't quite understand all the hoopla about casinos. Yeah, we played a little...she lost $5 and I walked out with my original investment intact. So, we visited the casinos and we played a game...not such a big deal really.
When we got home. She and I did our final shopping escapade for the house. It was the large screen TV I always have wanted to have in my rec room. It set me back a small fortune. But, the way I look at things, this is the last stuff I plan on buying for a very long time. Now, my house is basically complete.....and I can sit down and enjoy everything...and start paying the bills.....and putting away money for a rainy day.
The TV arrives on Monday. Once that arrives, I will begin posting pictures of the place.... I look forward to your feedback.
What a journey this summer has been! WHEW!
I sense though that for all the angst...and sadness....and resentment....and hurt...that I have written about.....I seem to be in a much better place overall. My blood pressure is waaay down....migraines are gone......My life just seems to be settling down into a nice peaceful routine.
Gave the separation agreement back to Lovey over a week ago. No word back from her.
My son the marine called day before yesterday to announce that he is being sent to Iraq around Christmas. Bummer. If it happens. He's been told this a number of times, and it just never seems to pan out. So we'll see. If he goes to Iraq....and my daughter is sent to some remote region for the Peace Corps....it's just going to be two new things to worry me about. This will replace all the worry and concern I have had about Lovey and the divorce.
Always something.
But it was just good to get away and vary the routine a bit...and not to just be working on the house (will it ever end?). Honestly, to be able to just hang out was really super.
On Saturday we visited some casinos. Now, #1 has never darkened the door of a casino before. But there we were. It was really a good experience for her. Although she and I don't quite understand all the hoopla about casinos. Yeah, we played a little...she lost $5 and I walked out with my original investment intact. So, we visited the casinos and we played a game...not such a big deal really.
When we got home. She and I did our final shopping escapade for the house. It was the large screen TV I always have wanted to have in my rec room. It set me back a small fortune. But, the way I look at things, this is the last stuff I plan on buying for a very long time. Now, my house is basically complete.....and I can sit down and enjoy everything...and start paying the bills.....and putting away money for a rainy day.
The TV arrives on Monday. Once that arrives, I will begin posting pictures of the place.... I look forward to your feedback.
What a journey this summer has been! WHEW!
I sense though that for all the angst...and sadness....and resentment....and hurt...that I have written about.....I seem to be in a much better place overall. My blood pressure is waaay down....migraines are gone......My life just seems to be settling down into a nice peaceful routine.
Gave the separation agreement back to Lovey over a week ago. No word back from her.
My son the marine called day before yesterday to announce that he is being sent to Iraq around Christmas. Bummer. If it happens. He's been told this a number of times, and it just never seems to pan out. So we'll see. If he goes to Iraq....and my daughter is sent to some remote region for the Peace Corps....it's just going to be two new things to worry me about. This will replace all the worry and concern I have had about Lovey and the divorce.
Always something.
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