Some of the "old" Frank that appears to be surfacing here and there is the one concerning my spirituality.
I tell my kids that I used to be a nice person.
I went to church everytime the church doors were open.
Heck, I even had keys!
But through the period of my fighting the gay thing....and dealing with my insecurities.......and protecting Lovey from the criticism by her family of her mothering and housekeeping skills and others who criticized her ministry, I somehow lost my direction. Spiritually, I was merely "going through the motions."
I also seemed to spend a lot of time not feeling well, or feeling exhausted. Depression? Perhaps.
But now that I am mentally/emotionally divorced from Lovey, it is such a comfort to find bits and pieces of my spirituality resurfacing intact. AND...I feel that God is my constant companion.
I'm such a perfectionist towards myself. My goal is to have my spirituality back 100%...not bits and pieces. I suspect, it will return 100%. I will not be totally satisfied until I'm back to where I was. I know me.
In time.
In His time.
During my heated exchange with Lovey last week, I mentioned that I am recovering from things fairly nicely. What a change!
Coldly she asked, "How's that?"
Keep in mind that this was after she had laid into me about how her married life was hell. We mustn't forget those wooden spoons....toilet seats....dogs....cats.....
I responded in a very nice way, "I'm getting my spirituality back. I'm feeling like my old self.....pre-YOU."
"Well!! I wish you had been more spiritual when we were married. Why the change NOW?" Daggered icecicles wouldn't have been more sharp.
(This is from the woman, who among other things, puts down on her resume that she was the youth minister at a church....when in fact, I was the one hired...but I digress.)
I thought for a moment and said, "You know. I guess it's because I always felt we were in a contest. I don't like contests. I never enter into them. So, when you made me feel like we were locked into one....I backed away....and let you have your glory."
Lovey grew quiet.
"I never meant to be that way," she said.
"It was still conveyed....loud and clear." I responded.
So, as I am remembering how to listen again to God's leading and direction, I'm feeling that something neat is going to be happening for me. God has let me know that it will be something that will "blow my mind."
He hasn't given me the date.
The time.
The place.
But it's coming.
When I'm ready.
2 comments:
Exhausted and not feeling well? Sounds like symptoms of something...it could be your meds but could be something else like a real illness that your immune system is fighting ( and not depression although that is possible too with the weather change.) Keep an eye on that...talk to your doctor if it is still noticeable in a little while...
Spirituality is always a struggle for the religious gay folks I think. I think you will get it back (well at least God will come to you) but it may be slightly different than before, the spirituality will always be there in general I think.
Often I have felt myself avoiding God, fearing to get too close. I think I feared God would tell me the Truth. "Yes, your gay. I made you that way."
When so much energy is spent trying to be someone else, there isn't much left over for the real you. Now you can do that. God loves you in the wonderful image in which you were made.
Now, let it shine!
Cheers, Joe.
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