I'm sorry that I haven't written an update until now. However, I've been going through kind of a rough time emotionally... I'm consumed by guilt over who I am....fear of what I may become.......and I mourn what I may have lost in the process.
You see, I grew up with that Beaver Cleaver role model in my head. There was a family made up of a mommy and a daddy...and the kids... AND...here I sit....almost 25 years to the day from the time I went down the aisle with Lovey, all full of hope.....and excitement of what the future had to offer. I was confident that I could be like Ward Cleaver....the dad....the head of the house....the guy who could save the day....and was always there when needed.
Somewhere along the way, I failed miserably....and here I am....trying to get the pieces of my life back together again...and to move on. Sometimes it is a lot easier said than done.
So bear with me.....
While I try and get my act together.
3 comments:
Frank:
It may not feel that way but I think that your act is together – at least far more together than mine. Together for Ward Cleaver is different than together for Frank and that is as it should be. The first thing about getting your act together is knowing what is real and what is a fantasy. And then working from what is real. You have come out to your family, you are interacting more honestly, and you are the stable support for your children. You were and continue to be there when needed.
It is true that mistakes were made while you discovered intimacy with men. But acknowledging that you are gay was not one of them. I also feel that we married gay men have to give up the fantasy that all our spouses are going to be OK with being married to a person who is not erotically attracted to them. Some are, for a variety of reasons, some are not. All the rest is just symptoms of that underlying issue.
If you and Lovey were, at your cores, the right person for each other to be with, then you would still be together, however, no amount of “trying to act differently” will change who each of you are at your core. That core is what God gives us, we can try to hide it, in an attempt to make people including even our spouses like us, but if our God given cores do not mesh then, like a grinding gear box, we will make a lot of noise, and generally not work. Pushing harder on the shift lever does not help; we have to try a different gear. You are in neutral now, the gear teeth are a little banged up but you are not a miserable failure. I am sure that God made another gear out there that meshes with you at your core. You have stripped away a lot of pretense; congratulate yourself I wish I were as far on the journey as you.
Rick
Frank - we have walked in each other's shoes. "I'm consumed by guilt over who I am....fear of what I may become ...and I mourn what I may have lost in the process."
The mourning is natural. You grieve for what you have lost. I know exactly what you mean by that.
But look at it another way, think about what you have gained. And yes you have gained something. Sometimes it is hard (oh, so incredibly hard) to see what you have gained. But you have gained something.
I have been in that dark place, but I am luckier than many, Mrs BB has been amazing, and we are working something out. How long it lasts, who knows?
Be strong my brother. There are many of us out here and we feel and share and understand your pain. We are here for you - however geographically remote, we are emotionally next to you. You just have to call.
Jas
Frank, who better than us, the guys who have been and are and will be right there in your shoes along with you? If you ever need someone to talk to or a shoulder to cry on, I am as close as my email address -- please don't hesitate to call on me.
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