As I write this I am nearing the end of a very strange weekend.
Not because of anything that has happened.
It's just a feeling that I have.
Of downess.....of gloom......of sadness......of fog........of depression.
It's a feeling akin to claustrophobia.
But why?
I'm blessed with everything. I have 3 wonderful kids. I have a nice house. I have a wonderful, but dumb cocker spaniel.
Where does this gloom and doom eminate from?
When I try to take an inventory of what it is that I am feeling, I guess I feel sadness about the past -- over things I cannot change.
I feel sadness over the feelings of guilt that I have. I should have not taken so much for granted. I should have been more empathetic to my wife and children. Perhaps, even, I shold have put me at the back of the line and forgotten about the gay thing. Perhaps I fixated too much on me and my wants and needs.
Im so very sad about things I should have done......things I could have done.....
I should have been a better man.....a better christian man.....more of a man of faith.......and not allowed myself to be run over.....or to be involved in the contest.
You know the one....about who was the most spiritual in the house.
And yes those god awful scarlett letters-- A is for Adultery; B is for Bad; C is for Coward; D is for Damned.
F is for Failure;
G is for Gay.
H is for Homo.
I is for the I in the sentence "I am" each of these things.
J is for Jerk.
I can't think of what a letter for K is. Give me some time.
L is for Limp-wristed.
M is for Moron.
N is for Not normal.
O is for Old.
P is for Pansy.
Q is for a quitter queer.
R is for a rebel.
S is for a sinner.
T is for troubled.
U is for unnatural.
V is for villain.
W is for Wicked.
X is for X X Gay.
Y is for yielding to temptaion.
Z is simply the end.
It has not been a good weekend.
6 comments:
F is for Frank. And when all the A to Zs are over, F is for Frank is what will remain.
I started to write an alternative A to Z for you - L is for Love, C is for your Children, H is for only Human, D is for don't beat your self up... but it all ended up like a Hallmark card.
Y is for You. You with all your failings and all your strengths. All the dark and all the light.
I know where you are Frank - it's a black place. Sometimes that black place feels like a home of sorts. I have walked behind you Frank, treading in your footsteps.
All I can say is that F is for Friends, H is for Help, T is for Talking, U is for unloading, S is for Sharing, R is for Respect and L is for Love.
Jas
Frank: Thank you for sharing the darks as well as the lights. Yes you have your darks as do I, and everyone around you. They are the flip side of the single coin that is us, and like extended family members they come to call often at inconvenient times. We can get irritated at their uninvited visits or we can accept them as our teachers, inviting them in, set them down and make so tea (they are going to be around for a while no mater how nasty you are to them so you might as well be pleasant). Listen to them; truly hear what they have to say. They are not telling you that you are worthless, but like each of us, you have been human and have done things that were not helpful. And now with your new more honest life you have the opportunity to make different choices in the future. What choice would these teachers have you make right now. Thank your teachers by making that choice and they will be happily on their way. They just want to be heard, and acknowledged.
Rick
Let the mourning and the grief happen. Let them wash over you. They are there, they are sad. But it is not your fault. Yes, you "could" have made other choices. But that's all in the past. Let it be.
It is dark sometimes, for me, too. Very dark; as I am still in the throes of what you've just been through. I know the darkness. But it is only out of struggle and pain that the hope grows.
Tread gently, especially with your self.
We always reflect on our past in sadness I think. It's ok, it's normal (as long as you don't linger too long)...our lives are full of what we might have done, failed to do or could have done better. Some we can avoid, some we may not. Learn to understand this and embrace this because this is part of who you are now. Knowing these things about ourselves can help make us better people and is part of growing.
There are other things that affect this mood too. People feel especially blue around this time of the year too. It's amazing how much our emotions are affected by our environment like the weather. The days have become darker and colder and our feelings and emotions reflect this. You are in control for some of it, seek things that make you happy and laugh to bring balance if you feel especially down. Hang in there!
It seems these things go in cycles - I am in the middle of such a cycle myself. When all else fails, reach for the things that will make you feel at least temporarily better, and wait for the dark clouds to pass. You have all my best wishes.
Frank I care about you and would like you to post something just to let us know that you are still with us.
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