Midnight Thoughts

As I write this, the clock has just hit midnight. My grandfather clock is chiming 12...and you know what my milestone is?

At 2:00 pm, I will have been married exactly 25 years. This is my SILVER anniversary...and it is so exciting. I remember so clearly how my day was then. The night before had been my rehearsal dinner. All of my groomsmen...three of them with their wives/girlfriends, and Lovey's Bridesmaids...three of them were her sisters....and the daughter of the minister who married us was sort of a junior bridesmaid.

The minister had a deep booming voice.....and the service began with his voice resounding through the church..."And there was a marriage at Cana of Gallilee...."

About 125 people watched us recite our vows....before God and everyone else. My mom and dad were there...not quite knowing what to make of the family I was about to connect to.

It was a big moment...one I won't ever forget. I also have the service on audio cassette....in full stereo. You can hear all of our vows....The music.....the minister... About 3 years ago, I transferred the cassette onto CD....and it sounds great. I've played it for the children...and they get a real charge out of it.

I remember my gay feelings then....but I felt that I was following God's will.... I believed that he would save me or deliver me from this awful sin of perversion.

Now as I think about it all....here 25 years later, He has delivered me. You see, I was gay....I was trying to be straight -- something that I clearly wasn't. Now I'm delivered from the perversion of "straightness." I realize now that I wasn't ever destined to be straight. I am what God made me to be....GAY! GAY as a GOOSE!

It just takes a while to get used to all this.... and to figure out how to deal with it. Living gay in a straight-centric world is a challenge...

But, when I think about things....and see how far I have come along in the journey, it literally blows my mind.

Some of you may think I'm preaching...not really. I'm not trying to convert any of you. Each of us must make our own decisions...follow our own path to happiness....and fulfillment. All I'm doing is offering you a glimpse of my journey...to what I hope and believe will be a happy and peaceful new life.

I choose whether to be a victim....or a participant.... I'm learning to cast aside feelings of victimization. A good example of this is the fact that as I write this, I have only received TWO Christmas cards. Last year....as in previous years....by now I had received about 20 of them...and more arriving every passing day. Not this year. Divorce kind of makes people you know behave strangely. I don't know, but maybe they think they're supposed to take sides. I don't think so...but yet....a lot of 'em have gone to pay attention to Lovey....and her ministry....and her "gifts" and her "talents". I find that at my church I am INVISIBLE.

#1 and I have not been to church in over four weeks. We've been busy...with the house...and in my fit of depression...I just wasn't in the mood.

Last night, a member of the church called to say that they had noticed that #1 had not been in church in over four weeks...and they wanted to make sure that she was okay. Not a word was mentioned about the Dad -- me. YAWN.

Just another sign of my lowered status I suppose.... I think my title is "estranged husband."

Remember all that foolishness about my pastor writing to apologize about not ministering to me.....and how he begged me to give him another chance? Well, I did....and I still haven't gotten that face time with him he promised. Smoke and mirrors....

And you know something?

It doesn't bother me like it used to. I don't give a fig actually....

BUT...I'm not going to be a victim. I have a list of 84 people/couples/families, that I am working to send Christmas cards to. I selected a wonderful and elegant card. I've put in a personalized greeting to everyone on the list...and signed it, "Frank, #1 and Davy the Dawg too!!"

I've sent one to Lovey....and her mother....and all three of her sisters..... I'm sending it to my pastor.... I'm sending it to those people who have been concerned about me....who have hugged me when my heart was heavy.....or when I thought my heart would break.

For all the 84 folks on my list, I've included this letter.... It's only appropriate that I include it here for you all...because you are my family...and friends too.

So, consider this my Christmas card to each of you!

The card is a beautiful glossy painting of the Madonna and Child entitled, "Innocence" by William-Adolphe Bouguereau. Inside the card is a simple greeting that reads, "Wishing you many blessings at Christmas and much joy in the new year."

I signed it.

The letter reads:

"To My Family and Dear Friends:

It is a real privilege for me to be able to write you this Christmas letter. The year 2006 is almost a memory and it is a time for celebration and for giving thanks for the many blessings I have received throughout the year. This has been quite a year! A year of concerns. A year of change. A year of new beginning. And, a year of joys.

Lovey moved out on June 20, 2006 to begin pastoring her churches elsewhere in the State of Virginia and to officially begin her new life. I spent the remainder of the year trying to get rid of the remaining junk, and to obtain replacement pieces of furniture that she had taken with her. It was quite a job, but thankfully, everything seems to have come together nicely. With the help of my daughter #1, and a few close friends, I have been able to showcase my sense of style and tastes throughout the house so that it now reflects me. The house has been repainted and certain rooms repainted. New carpet has been laid throughout the house. I have a new deck and back fence, along with a new drainage system and sump pump. We also planted new grass in the front yard! Yes, the place is certainly beginning to take shape.

My children continue to do well. #1 graduated Summa Cum Laude from Old Dominion University in Norfolk on May 6, 2006. She received her degree in International Studies and Spanish. At present, she is scheduled to leave home for El Salvador in February 2007 for a 27-month tour of duty with the Peace Corps. Although I am happy for her opportunity, I am saddened by the fact that I won’t be able to see her for at least 27 months. (No one ever said that being a dad was easy.)

#2 graduates Summa Cum Laude from Belmont University in Nashville, TN on December 15, 2006. She will receive a Bachelor of Music AND a Bachelor of Business Administration degree. She plans to pursue her goal of becoming a performer aggressively at the beginning of the New Year. I am confident that with her talent, her contacts, and her charm, it won’t be much longer before you hear her on a radio station near you!

My son the Marine is now in his third year in the United States Marine Corps and at this writing is still stationed at Camp LeJeune, North Carolina. He just got promoted to the rank of Corporal and appears to be doing well in his work performing Logistics Support. He may be deployed to Iraq in the coming year! He’s excited about the prospect, but I’m a wreck. (Nope, being a dad is downright hard!)

The summer brought bad news for me. My mother was diagnosed with colon cancer. We spent several anxious weeks during July and August as we went through the process of Mom’s surgery to remove a sizeable tumor (a success), biopsies of various surrounding tissues, and awaiting the results. Thankfully the cancer had not metastasized; she was found to be cancer-free and as a result, was not required to go through any follow-up chemotherapy or radiation treatments. Meanwhile, in October, my dad had cataract surgery and came through it with flying colors! He can now see almost 20/20! (Yes, modern medicine is amazing!)

Needless to say, as 2006 draws to a close, I am so very thankful for making it through another year. I’m also so very thankful for each of you – and especially those of you who have taken the time to drop me a card, or to send me an email, or to call with a word of encouragement or to offer a shoulder on which to lean during some of my more trying times or to put a hand on my shoulder or to give me a warm hug. These small acts of kindness and love will not be forgotten.

You are SO loved!

FRANK"

So, I'm gonna send them out. It just feels like something I should do.

Thanks for all YOUR support. It has meant so much.

I'll let you know how the rest of my day goes today.