Reality Check

The end of 2006: THANK GOD!

I made it.

I must confess...this weekend has not been the piece of cake that I had hoped for. I thought that it would be like Christmas, my 25th anniversary, and Thanksgiving....all nonevents.

But this one thus far has been different.

I suppose what hasw made this holiday so different is the fact that I'm spending it alone, with my 3 kids. The only person missing is Lovey and it makes me feel sad. I know that I shouldn't be feeling this way....intelectually....but I do....so I just need to deal with it.

I worked very hard today to cook a wonderful New Year's Eve meal. (Yes, I can cook!) We had baked honey ham, mashed potatoes, fresh veggies, salad, hot rolls, apple sauce and cole slaw. It was delicious...and I sat there and looked into the eyes of my now adult children and asked them what there goals are for the coming year.... #1 says that she wants to arrive in El Salvador safely...and have a good time on her 27 month adventure. #2 said that she wants to find a job (she just graduated from college) and pursue her dream of becoming a peformer. My son the marine just looked at me and said he had no goals....until he leaves the marines in about 16 months.

Then, they all turned to me and asked what my goal was.... After some thought, I said, I just want to be happy.

With those words, I fell apart.....and sobbed.

They all understood why.

#2 looked at me and said.... "Dad...we understand. You're going through mourning....and it will take time. BUT....remember, you have three kids who love you dearly, a dog that loves you, a beautiful home, a wonderful job, your help is continually improving, and YOU are so much better off."

So, this was my reality check.

It's at times like this that I realize I do not have it all together. That I'm still a bit fragile around the edges. My pride has been damaged..... And this whole process....the separation...the upcoming divorce.....my children's imminent departures to parts unknown......have all stripped any facade I had away from me. I live in the nakedness of insecurity...and see how fragile life is. How fragile the world is. How fragile the world I know is. How fragile my parents are.....how fragile I am.

It all is so scary.