My life continues to settle down.
I’m nearing the 3-month point since my divorce was finalized. I’m not feeling as sorry for myself…life is starting to be good. I’m developing a very nice social network with tons of new friends, and the feelings of brokenness and inadequacy are starting to fade. I’m also feeling pretty self-sufficient now and self-confident.
This past week has taught me a few lessons. Right now I am kind of tired of the viciousness and coldness of gay life I have seen of late. I’ve posted a few ads online to meet people. One ad in particular was looking for a special man. A guy responded and we began chatting. We seemed to click and had some really good IM conversations and telephone conversations. We even spoke of friendship if other things didn’t work out.
We made plans to have dinner after I returned from the retreat. However, both of us were eager to meet before then…and we scheduled a time to meet at a coffee shop after work. We met….and things seemed to go nicely.
We visited for over an hour.
We parted ways.
Upon my return to town on Sunday I had an email waiting for me. He went on about not being attracted to me….therefore we would not be going to dinner.
So I guess my “friend” only has friends he’s attracted to…
To me, this shows how shallow the gay life can be. I mean, to cancel dinner plans just because you don’t want to “jump his bones” right there amongst burritos and the taco shells!
C’mon.
AND…
No one asked if I was attracted to my friend or not! (Really, I wasn’t.) But I never rule out a potential friendship…regardless of the attraction. However, my friend does…so the situation is now moot.
I’ve learned a great deal from all this. Yes, it hurt. But I will not be a victim here. I’ve learned so much in fact that I’ve decided not to pursue relationships for a while. I’m tired of making the first move only to be chewed up and spat out.
I know that I have a lot to offer the right man. I’m an excellent catch. I’m willing to be caught. I’m just tired of trying so hard.
2 comments:
I think of it in terms of the early stages of dating being, for better or worse, a flaky process. I'm not convinced that it's any more logical or rational for straight folks.
If you put me in a room with 100 guys with whom I have common interests, all gay, and all single, it wouldn't surprise me if there was true relationship potential with only 1 or 2 of them. Which one or two? That's the messy part of the process to figure out.
The situations which look promising early on but turn out to be flaky are frustrating, but I'd much rather have them peel away early on if that's all that was possible.
So, this guy was shallow, he was lying about any interest in friendship, and he was rude about canceling dinner plans. He's not like the gay friends I've known, and his bad manners don't say anything about you...
Take care, Frank...
Franco:
I am glad to hear that your retreat brought you gladness, and that you are finding that in your [new?] church. I have traveled the opposite road, and much as I am met on all sides with understanding, I am finding myself less and less able to deal with "church." I'm not sure what that means. But it sure as hell does mean that I don't want to be "welcomed," to have it pointed out how "open" a congregation is -- I am sick and tired of being the flavor of the month.
WHat happens next month?
Well, that's my issue.
But I would like to say something about dating. I have made a complete mess of every "dating" situation I have been in. Then I was hit by lightning when I least expected it. I have told people out looking precisely that, for years: you will find someone when you stop looking so hard.
The problem is that not looking seems to condemn you to an eternal loneliness, and even Dr. Isay now says that is statistically the far more likely outcome for gay men who leave a marriage. [see the NYT on that one; the bastard doesn't even bother to apologize for twenty years of trumpeting the need to leave to lead an "authentic life;" now he sees what that life has meant for his patients. Oops. Well, that too is my issue.]
But put your trust in the Lord, and give him time. Yes, it may not happen, but it is just possible that what you give up will be returned to you a hundredfold. That has certainly been my own experience.
Blessings on you.
T@C
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