It’s gotten a whole lot colder and windier here in Washington, D.C.
White puffy clouds are virtually whizzing by underneath the canopy of a briliant blue sky. I’m stuck, sitting inside at my office, trying to get caught up on a zillion projects while my staff is off, still celebrating the holiday.
Just when I think I have made some progress in acclimating to the whole divorce thing and the living alone thing….EEEEEOOOOOOWWWWWW…..it all comes flooding back into my heart, mind and soul.. The pain is not able to be fully described.
My mom and other caring souls have told me that I should “Just get over it.” Some have even suggested that I fall on my sword and ask for Lovey to reconsider a reconciliation!
Can you believe that one?
I can’t.
All I know is that I can’t just flip some internal switch to “get over it.” I am also confident when I say that the answer is definitely not to reconcile with Lovey.
This is just something that I’m going to have to process on my own…and deal with….and then move on.
I’m trying so desperately to figure out why I feel the way that I do. I mean, Why do I, a gay man, feel so miserable at times, about the breakup of a long term marriage, with a woman?
Why can’t I just move on? Turn the page. Shut the door or do whatever other metaphor seems appropriate.
Why do I have to feel like such damaged goods? Why do I feel so broken? So useless? So unloveable?
There is just so much to ponder. So many things to figure out.
1 comment:
Frank;
You are correct; you “can’t just flip some internal switch to ‘get over it’.” These feelings are an integral part of you just like your gender orientation, or your diabetes, or your height, or …
It is not that we have these feelings that are the problem it is how we react to them. Just like our children when they were toddlers and overtired would often over-react to simple hurts that long since they now take in stride, even though they physically feel the same now as they did then.
However, just like some styles of parenting accentuate our children’s reactions, while other minimize them; so how we parent ourselves through these feelings will either accentuate the power of these feelings or will minimize them. For me, feelings that I fear and try to avoid by ignoring or masking have far greater power over me than those that I “sit with”. By “sit with”, I mean apply the meditative practice of sitting quietly, breathing deeply and watching those feelings. They are simply thoughts that we can watch ourselves having – just like a parent can watch the changing behavior of their child. Often the feelings are unpleasant, and we want to escape from those thoughts, but for me that just gives them more power the next time they come up – like a fussy child will not be ignored, so a negative feeling will be felt. If I “sit with” them, trying not to get “caught up” in them (like sitting with the fussy child but not reacting with frustration yourself), but simply watch me having those thoughts and feeling my body respond to them, they, over a period of time, change. For a while, like an over tired but otherwise dry, fed and cuddled child, they will often fuss; but you will notice that eventually they do settle down.
Now those feeling will come back, they are a permanent part of you; just like any other scar. But the next time you can recall that “sitting with them” got you through last time, and you can be sure that it will this time also. You can be a little less freightened, so can more calmly watch. The more calmly you watch and “sit with” your feelings, the faster they change. Again just like a fussy child will more quickly respond to a calm confident parent than to a frightened or nervious one.
Works for me, may for you.
Rick
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