Today is June 9. I can't believe it, but it is here...AGAIN!
For those of you who have been a follower of this blog, you know that this is the fourth anniversary of my former wife announcing that we would be separated. She told me that fateful day that I had made her life hell. She told me how raw she was inside.
Basically, the garden variety type things one says to one's gay husband...and you want to make yourself the victim.
So, this morning when I arose, it was storming horribly. Fiercely is probably a better word for how bad the storm was.
As I write this, it is the end of another long day at the office. I am meeting a close friend for dinner at 7:30...and it has begun to storm. AGAIN. FIERCELY!
This is probablly a nice way to remember this wonderful anniversary.
I have come so very far.
REALLY far.
It felt like I was in mourning forever. Even now when I think of all that I went through....and the mish-mash of feelings I had, well, I tear up. EVEN NOW.
Divorce isn't easy.
Neither is losing your best friend.
In the ex, I lost both. For all the pleasant words she has to say....she really holds me in no special light. Oh, I suppose I take that back. I am her monthly pay check.
It doesn't matter how much I loved her.
It doesn't matter that I am the father of her three children.
It doesn't matter that I spent many years trying to support her in her ministerial endeavors. Hell, I don't even rate an invitation to her ordination next week.
In the end, it came down to my being gay....(which she knew for 24 years). It all made her so raw inside.
So, it's a stormy night in Washington DC. I am remembering the pain associated with June 9, 2005.
It stings a little.
But I am so much better for surviving that.
That chapter of my life is finally closed.
3 comments:
Oh for goodness sake, Frank dear, DO snap out of it. Self-pity is such a destructive emotion. Strangely, it seems to epitomise every gay married man I know...
But only because the pain is real... and we all deal with it in our own ways and in our own time.
Glad to have found your blog. I'm on the same journey
Jim
www.emergingidentity.blogspot.com
While I have never been in the same situation you have been in, I can definitely close my eyes, be still, and imagine it all, especially after knowing Rich and his past troubles with it, too.
It hurt a bit when I talked about the idea with my sister or even found articles about "children/wives of gay men" online that seemed to talk about how "hurtful" the men were towards them just by coming out, when THEIR pain wasn't considered as well! :( Sorry, I know that sounded confusing and maybe one-sided. I will clear it up with you later...
I'm only happy that you are past that now, and can look forward to other things.
"The secret to happiness is having three things to look forward to and nothing to dread." -- Charlie Brown (or Charles Schulz)
*warm hugs* :)
-- Marc
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