Monday

It's Monday once again. I can't believe just how quickly summer is passing -- and I must say this is not the kind of summer I had thought I would have.

The death of both my parents in such a short period of time -- and the impending death of my beloved cocker spaniel -- have taken a tremendous toll on me. Some days when I awaken, I feel as though I am in a fog. The tremendous feelings of sadness....and aloneness......and of overwhelming loss all weigh in and to be honest I feel like the walls of my life are moving in on me -- ready to squeeze what life I have left -- out of me.

Then there are those feelings of feeling truly like an orphan. Truth be told...I am one...albeit and adult one.

All this has put my life on hold as I navigate the sea of grief....

Last week I had one ray of sunshine. It came in the form of another gay man. He contacted me on one of those silly dating sites....and...he and I shared some really good emails. He sent pictures....I sent pictures.

You know the drill.

By the end of the week, he was texting me....and saying how much he was thinking about me.....and how much he enjoyed our telephone conversations and email exchanges.

So, at his insistance, we scheduled a meeting -- last Friday.

Suffice it to say that it turned out to be one of those typical gay meetings that results in all the ground you think you gained last week is now lost this week.

Once again it hurt.

Once again I felt used.

Once again I felt silly for even thinking anything positive would come out of one of those dating sites.

So, here I sit on this beautiful summer day. Tempted to feel sorry for myself in every facet of my life. Date number 4,297 fell through. He has now gone off to his next conquest probably. I'm an orphan. I'm grieving the loss of the two people who have known me the best and the longest.

It sucks.

It's bad.

I've made this comment before about my love life. I look around and see some gay couples who are happily partnered. I look at them and wonder to myself: "Wow. I wonder how they found each other? I would never have put the two of them together!"

Then a portion of me turns resentful....and I think, "What's wrong with me then? If they can do it, why not me?"

The answer never comes.

I grow wistful.

Misty-eyed.

Feeling like this is how my life is going to be....until the day I die.

It's just gonna be me and only me.

Bummer.