Nothing pretty....

This evening has been a mess...for me.

I have had both parents on my mind....and all I seem to be able to do is fight back the tears. I am a mess....a blubbering mess.

This is all new territory for me. I thought going through the separation and divorce were bad....but it is nothing compared to this dull ache that I feel in the center of my chest because of the tremendous loss of those two people who gave me life. I feel so very alone...and there is not one thing that can be done about it to lessen this pain. In the words of one of my counsellors....there is no way to get around it, but to charge right on through the middle of it....meet it head on...and go from there.

So, as I sit and process my feelings....I'm not feeling too victorious...or particularly spiritual... about what I'm feeling. I wish that I could sit here and say..."Ah...I have given it all to the Lord!" Or that "Jesus has made me feel better!"

I can't say any of that.

I wish I could be a spiritual giant. I wish I could laugh and smile again. I wish I could feel that song in my heart...and joy in each footstep.

But....I .... can't.

I want my mom and dad back. I want to be able to scoop them up in my arms and tell them how much I love them....and how much they mean to me...

But I can't.

And it hurts...so bad.

When I started this blog five years ago....I said that it would be unvarnished....not airbrushed....not done in any way to make me look good. Not edited to take out the bad parts. But you'd have the real me.

And here I am -- warts and tears and sobs and all...

Nothing pretty for sure.

I need some sleep....