Frank Has The Blues

Yesterday was a good day until I had a surprise visitor show up on my doorstep.

Mom O'Lovey came by.

As I have said before, I took her to the emergency room a couple of months ago and was with her when they told her she had Stage 4 Metastatic Lung Cancer -- the same exact type that killed my mother.

At that time, it was as if someone had hit me in the gut.  The air had been knocked out of me.

You see, since the divorce, she and I have become quite close -- in spite of the gay thing -- and the way Lovey told it, making her life hell!

Mom O'Lovey lives just three blocks away from me.  So, this has helped to cement our relationship in a very special way.  It also does not hurt to have her favorite granddaughter living with me.

I had just emptied a box of my parents belongings...and had found all of mom's statements from the medical center all during the time she was in chemo.  Seeing all that....and having Mom O'Lovey show up at my door, well it just really moved me.

Mom O'Lovey's daughters have advised her against taking chemo.  Basically they have scared her to death.  I've told them of the recent breakthroughs in cancer treatment by "souping up the patients white blood cells to target leukemia"...and then they want to test it on other cancers.   Mom has nothing to lose at this point...but they poo-pooed the idea.

They are in favor of sending her to Mexico to have coffee colonics.  Eating grass.  Drinking awful smoothies.  Or being scanned by a special machine that does things to you and has cured multitudes in the mid-west.  But they finally found this person up north who has a "cure" that will make it all better.  You see, in their minds, these "real" cures are not broadcast widely because of a vast conspiracy in the medical community.  They want people to die so that they can have these expensive treatments to line their pockets with money.  It's a conspiracy!

In the meantime, Mom has missed the window of time that chemo and radiation could actually help her.  Doctors have told her family she now has two months remaining.  A lot of this is because they did not allow her to choose chemo as an option two months ago.  Valuable time was wasted.  And now...I'm watching her deteriorate.  She is slowing down.  She is feeble.

She is going to spend thousands of dollars to these other "cures."

But watching her yesterday, I ached.  It really hurt me.  Can't tell you how difficult this all is to watch from afar.

All I know to do is to tell her everyday how much I love her.  I reach out and hold her hand.  I give her big hugs.

Then when I am home.  Alone.  I cry.

Always Hopeful -- Always Disappointed

Well, Frank has gotten several new queries from men as a result of one of my postings on those silly dating sites.  Here's an update:

1.  Mike - 69 yo, who works two buildings over from where I do.  He's attractive.  He's kind and gentle.  BUT...just found out he is married to a woman who does not know.  -- Buzzer sounds.  

2.  Mike - 42 yo,works not far from me, cute as can be, affectionate.  BUT...found out he is married to a woman.  His desires are for a man that can host for rip-roaring sex during the day.  Not really looking for a relationship -- Buzzer Sounds

3.  Edward -- 50something, lives just down the street from me.  Is single.  Wants to get to know me better.  He is single and available.  Not sure of his agenda.  Cautious.

4.  Mike - 58, works and lives in Maryland.  He is several counties over from where I am.  He is single  He had a longtime partner (over 20 years), but the partner died a number of years ago.  Mike is ready to date and get to know someone.  He likes my posting.  We've been corresponding for about a week.  He seems like a nice guy.

5.  Tim - early 50s, lives in my hometown.  He and I met in November and we clicked on a profound way.  We talk via telephone regularly.  Just found out that he is married and just now coming to terms with his gay feelings.  He doesn't know what to do about them.  -- Buzzer sounds.

6.  Brian -- early 40s.  This is "I Want to be Your Boyfriend."  Lives in the north end of the metro area in Silver Spring, MD.  Active duty military.  Single.  Comes across as very forward, intense, almost stalker material.  However in my discussions with him, he seems to just want a sex partner.  Someone that will get him off....and then that's it.  -- BUZZER sounds.

7.  Jeff -- 57, lives in NW DC near the Washington Cathedral.  Political celebrities live two houses down from him.  A bit snooty.  Name dropper.  Met on Friday...not truly impressed.  I think this one is dead in the water.  Not looking to hear from him again.

8.  Alex -- 54, lives in Silver Spring.  We dated for two months last fall.  A performer.  A diva.  Got mad because I have friends and had scheduled two back-to-back retreats long before I met him.  Complained of a variety of maladies.  Scheduled to visit his beach house.  Because of his anger about my retreats....offer recinded.  Nothing from him since early November.  Dead in the water.

9.  PDK - 61, lives in DC, been out on a number of occasions.  Seems to click on several levels.  Going through a lot of personal turmoil at present.  Not ready for anything serious.  Going through painful and ugly divorce.

10.  GRINDR DAVID - Attractive much younger man who is in the medical field.  Not sure of agenda there.  We talk frequently.

11.  GRINDR MARK -- 44, attractive, unemployed guy.  Been chatting frequently for about 6 months.  Singer

12.  DADDY HUNT ALLEN - 57, lives in New Jersey.  Opera Singer, nice looking guy.  Wants to come visit for a weekend.  He's even invited me to come see him perform in ROMEO & JULIET.  

None of these men are what I would say are truly serious prospects.  The BUZZER ringers are definitely not on my short list!  

Didn't really know how difficult Gay Male Dating is until I just wrote down the prospects from the last little while.    So, I am approaching the remain prospects cautiously.  

Do you blame me?  

So Frank Goes On Another Date...

Well, I was invited out on another date last night.  I still am getting hits on one of my dating profiles.  So, I met this guy as planned at a restaurant.

It was in the gay area of DC.  Wall-to-wall gay men...and assorted straights.  It was a very comfortable atmosphere.

He and I had much in common.  I did notice that there was an atmosphere of "snootiness" and "snobbery" that appeared briefly at times -- but it wasn't overbearing or obnoxious.  I decided it was something I could deal with/manage.

We talked about all kinds of stuff.  His comments were peppered repeatedly with, "I don't now why I'm telling you all these things."  Curious comment to be used so often.

But there we were.  The meal was ended.

We walked out the door of the restaurant.  Said our goodbyes.  He went one direction.  I went the other.

Because he paid for the meal, I wrote him a note of thanks.  This morning he responded with a note of his own saying that he had a good time.  Kind of felt flat.  No real warmth.

I guess that was that.

On another front...and after I had left the restaurant, I went to another gay establishment not far away.  While seated and sipping my diet soda, a man caught my eye.  I thought nothing of it.   I continued to people-watch, next thing I know, nicely built stranger has saddled up next to me and chats me up.  Turns out he is from out of town, but comes to DC monthly, and is looking for quality friends.  So, we talked a while.  He was catching an early flight out today, but asked for my email address.  So, I gave him mine, he gave me his.

He wrote me a sweet warm note and thanked me for my friendliness.  He thinks I am "cool".  He's going to contact me when he comes back to town in a few weeks.

Life is full of twists and turns.  

"I Want To Be Your Boyfriend" Part 2

Tonight I worked quite late in the office.  While I was there I got two text messages from the man who said that he wanted to seriously be my boyfriend.

They said:

"Hey, I had fun the other night.  I'm aching for you!  What are you doing?"

Aching for me?

He sounds like he needs to take something for that.

I was not overly impressed.

Tired of Being Gay

After all the events of this week -- the drama...the man who wants to be my boyfriend....and the various other sundry flakes, I am sort of at the point of being literally sick of being gay.

Being gay has consumed the majority of my life.  I spent years of trying to conform and be what society totld me was "normal."  Only to find out that I was not "normal" in that sense.  I had to learn what my "normal" meant.  I had to learn how to become authentically me.

In the process I lost a marriage.  I lost a longterm relationship.  I sired three children and I now have a grandson.

I've seen the seamy underside of gay life.   I've explored.  I've found out just how comfortable I am with certain aspects of gay sexuality.  I've found out what parts of it I am not comfortable with.

I've done what is expected of me in that I have put myself into the gay male dating world.  I've met many, many men from all walks of life.  Some of them I would give my right arm to be their partner/mate/what have you.  But either they just don't want me.  Or they live billions of miles away.  Or they are partnered or married.  Or they have issues -- it's them they say...and not me.  Or they like to play games.  Or they are messed up in someway and need time to process.  Or they want to just get in my bed to relieve a bodily need.

The list goes on and on and on.

Why can't I find a mate?

So, today, I find myself just wanting to stop the merry go round, take my cotton candy and go home -- alone.

"I Want To Be Your Boyfriend"

Well, I finally got a hit from one of my dating entries from a younger man who told me "I want to be your boyfriend."

He told me all about himself.  He's divorced. He's military. He just got transferred here to DC and he saw my profile and my picture and he wants to be my man.  He also went to college where I did in my hometown.  

We have lots in common.  

So we had been conversing for several months.  We've also had a number of telephone conversations.  He sounded sane.  

Hmmmm.....could this be the one.

Last night I agreed to meet him.  Our first face-to-face meeting.  

We talked and talked and talked.

Finally, when I said I needed to get going, he said he would walk me outside.  Under the glow of the lights in the parking lot of the restaurant, he proceeded to tell me how "hot" I was.  How he wants to be my boyfriend.  He wants us to live together.  

The clincher, he wanted to take me to the hotel across the street and "bang me" then and there.  

Not the approach to win Frank over for sure.

I told him "No," but thanked him for the interest.  It made him angry.  

He left in a huff and did not look back.

Suppose that was that!

The Beginning of a New Week

The time changed this weekend.  I was off work yesterday.  So I'm sitting here in the dark, savoring my morning coffee and listening to the rain hit my window.  The daughter who lives with me had to be in to her office super early this morning, so I now have some time to reflect and write this post before I head out for the day.

Still can't believe what I did on Friday.  So juvenile.  So downright wreckless.

All in the name and spirit of feeling connected to another guy.  

Apparently I am not alone. 

In a brief moment of quiet exploration, and as I analyze my blog design, I clicked on a number of blogs that I have listed on mine.  Sorry to say, a number of them are no longer active.  This is sad.  

So then I analyzed my stats to see what blogs were referring people over here and I found several that I plan to highlight in my planned revision of my site.  On top of this, I have bookmarked a ton of blogs that I found that were somewhat interesting -- albeit downright scary. 

Trust me!

I never want to use those men as roll models.

A lot of them are into barebacking.  They use their blogs to tell how many unprotected loads of cum they receive in a given week with descriptions of how those loads got there and the men from whom they are acquired.  In my old age, I am shocked at the number of married men out here who gladly do the deed for these men and the ones who are on the receiving ends of these guys' own deposits.

They are not worried in the least, apparently, of HIV or anything else that is lurking in sex play land and in the name of lust, are willing to stick there member into any available hole from any available source.  Or there are the guys who will accept any member from any man that wants to, unsheathed, unprotected -- having multiple partners in rapid succession, dumping loads into their bodies.  

As highlighted on Friday, I am no saint.  

But I am a bit old-fashioned.  I just want one guy.  One guy to grow old with.  One guy to spend the good times with.  One guy to be there for the bad times.  One guy to make passionate love with.  Something that lasts.  Not something that is based on a grunt, a groan, a moan, a jettison of 10 ccs of intimate liquid.....and then off to find still more with God knows who.

In this world of fast hookups....meaningless romps......transmission of killer bugs in ecstasy-filled fits of man lust, is there anyone on the planet like me?  Someone who values a relationship -- in all ways?

Gosh the going is so slow.

Ashamed and Vulnerable

That last post I almost erased.

It isn't me.  I don't go trolling for anonymous sex in public places.

But I am surprised that I did fall into that behavior on Friday.  There are no excuses.

Really.

I suppose I consider myself vulnerable.  I mean, I am not getting any younger and when a hot, young guy expresses interest -- in whatever venue --  I respond.

It scared me.

After all, I'm not THAT desperate.  I don't have to beg for sex.  I know how to find it.  I  have had my fair share.

But I think what I'm looking for is emotional.  I need to feel connected to someone.  I need to know that I am more than "Daddy Warbucks".  That I matter to someone.  I want to be first in line for a change.  I don't like feeling as though I were 6 month old leftovers in the bottom of the freezer nursing freezer burn.

I want a healthy male relationship.

I keep looking...

Something I am Not Proud of!

I did something yesterday that really bothered me.  It's something I have not done in over 20 years.

I feel really guilty about it.

So, I must share it with you.

First, some history:

Midway through my marriage the gay thing was weighing heavily on my mind.  I was lonely for male companionship.  Heck, I was even happy for male touch.  Affirmation.  A hug.  Whatever I could get, I was happy with.

At the time, I was working in an office building over a mall.  The mall had three notorious men's rooms that had lots of gay male action.

During those old days, I met some other very nice closeted gay males, including the son of one famous religious figure.  As a result of that meeting, he invited me to come visit his home -- and as it happened, I did go to his house on the very first official Martin Luther King Birthday Holiday.    We certainly did celebrate while his father's picture looked on.  It was surreal.

Yesterday, curiosity got the best of me.

I found myself having lunch in that mall.  It is in the midst of a massive renovation...and it has a maze of corridors now.

I decided to check out those men's rooms to see if it still is the hot bed of man to man activity that it used to be.  One of the men's rooms have been remodeled and it is not "activity friendly."  The other two have not changed at all.

When I went into the first one, I genuinely had to use the bath room.  So I went into a stall.  All was quiet.  BUT...

The man in the next stall was young and aggressive.  He must have been watching through a crack in the door of his stall as I entered and liked what I looked like.  Next thing I know, he was looking up at me underneath the partition.

He wanted me to kneel down for him to access my equipment.

He wanted to provide me with oral pleasure then and there.

He was no older than his late twenties.  Drop dead gorgeous too.

I was rattled.  But I composed myself enough to shake my head no...  and I flushed.  Stood up.  Pulled up my pants and opened the door and went over to the sink.  At that moment another gentleman entered.  He also gave me the "hungry eye."

Inside I was trembling.

As I stood at the sink, the young man who had made the pass at me left his stall and came over to wash his hands.  He stood right next to me.  He mimicked every move I did.

He left the men's room just before me. When I left, he was standing right in front of me.  As I passed, he said, "Follow me."

With that, he walked down another corridor.

It felt like he was dragging me with invisible chains fastened with handcuffs.  I had no control.  There I was, a well-dressed,  middle aged, fairly attractive, gay gentleman following this well-built, hottie twenty-something, stranger, to god knows where.

He kept turning and smiling.

We wound up at the third of the men's rooms in the mall.  We were alone.  He walked over to the urinal and dropped his sweats.

It revealed that he was indeed well built and happy to see me.

I was shaking like a leaf in a bitter cold north wind.

I couldn't move.

My hormones were affecting my judgment.

Just then, another man entered...and it broke the trance.  I washed my hands at the sink.  My new friend did too  He again left before I did.  This time he stood outside in very close proximity to the door and I had walk right by him...very closely, in order to leave.

He touched me on the shoulder.

"Hi!  I'm Stefan!"  He offered a handshake.

I told him hello.  Told him my name.  "Nice meeting you.  It's a little scary in a place like this."

You think?

He asked if I lived close by.  I told him no.  Turns out he works not far from me  He passed me his email address.  He wants to talk to me more.

Then we both went our separate ways.

Thoughts on the Past

So on this Friday I am being a lazy bum.

I am taking my sweet time about getting ready to go to the office.  This is probably due to the fact that it has been a hellish few weeks at my agency.  Lots of pressure....lots of stress....no successes.

As I wondered the halls of the palace -- my new grand office building in downtown DC -- I was telling one of my employees about how the agency "used to be" many years ago.  Is it because I am older that I keep thinking back how attractive the "good ole days" were?

I remember my parents and my grandparents reminiscing about the past when I was younger.  I also remember thinking they were crazy for not appreciating the present.

Well, I'm on the cusp of turning 55 and I now understand.

My agency has gone from a sleepy, backwater, agency, that quietly did its job.  Where everyone worked for the good of the place.  Everyone was respected for being a colleague regardless of the grade level.  BUT NOW?  The place is cold and sterile.

A caste system has developed and is based on how high your office is in the building....and what side of the office you're on.

It's lost its way.

I could go on and on.

But this is a blog about gayness.

So as a twin thought on the topic of the good ole days, I'm thinking about when it was that I first released my differences -- mainly my attraction to men.

It runs very deep.

I remember the absolute fear I had.  I did not know what was happening.  All I remember as a child was how I liked to look at men....and how I really loved to sneak glimpses of them in the shower....or when they had their shirts off.

I especially remember feeling something strange about the age of six.  I was roughhousing with a cousin in his bedroom.  This cousin was in his late teens...and we were rolling around.  I remember that he was fully clothed, but he had on a t-shirt.  I remember feeling electric shocks (that's all I can liken it to) whenever my bare arms would brush against his biceps.  It made my stomach feel funny.  But I didn't understand it.

My fascination with men spilled over to watching the series, "Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom."  It wasn't the wild animals...or Marlin Perkins.  I loved watching Jim Fowler.  I hungered to see him.  I didn't understand why, other than I thought he was handsome.  I always wondered what he looked like with his shirt off.  That's him on the right.

When puberty hit...and my hormones raced, my face would burn when I was in the presence of a hot man.

My body was changing....lots was happening all at once.  I had feelings I had never experienced before.

I was totally frightened because I also knew that I had no interest in girls.

I remember my dad giving me a talk about not getting girls pregnant.  THE TALK.  In my head I couldn't figure out why I would even contemplating doing that to a girl.

The sad thing most of all is that I had no one to talk to.

So, here at 55...even though the "good ole days" do hold some pleasant memories, from a sexual development point of view, it was filled with fear.  I did not feel normal.  I spent much time trying to be someone I was not intended to be.  I suppose now I am more settled and more content than I have ever been.

I just long to have that special man.

It's never far from me.

Gay Parody of NOM Anti-Gay Marriage Video

I refuse to run the original NOM video because it is plain silly.  Basically it's a bunch of folks who complain about how gay marriage "threatens" them.

So, these good folks have come up with a great parody of the ad and it is tremendously funny.

The Gay Kindle Ad

Here's the gay kindle ad that was just released. Have to say, it is really something to see how much the world has changed.

Then this VW ad really talks to me. I was always the sissy. Didn't know how to play or pitch or do other macho things as a kid. It's also special because I drive the car in the ad.

Finally, here is a music video of a song that I love "Set Fire to the Rain". However it is done with a gay twist. Oh, and "Adele" is not the REAL ADELE but an impersonator!

Unexpected Day Off

With threats of a large winter storm, the federal government closed today. So, I was able to just turn over and sleep in this morning. I had a wonderful time just staying warm and dry. But I did have some interesting moments.

I got a number of telephone calls from men I have come to know through the years. One in particular called me and I called him back last night and we talked for quite sometime. We did FACETIME with our respective IPhones...and it was good to see him.

He has been suffering a lot lately in that he has spent a whole lot of time tending to his sick wife. She knows he is gay and she controls every aspect of his life. She also berates him and seems to be quite controlling.

He is really at his breaking point.

I can understand why.

He called because she was away, and he just had to hear a friendly and understanding voice on the other end of the line.

Well, I have no problems talking.

We talked about everything.

We talked about men. We talked about our past loves. We talked about breakups. We talked about divorce. We talked about kids.

I shared with him some resources -- even showed him some funny gay videos. I actually got the man to laugh and laugh and laugh. Via FACETIME he was even able to meet one of my children.

Here's the note I received this morning from him:

Good Morning!

I am in such a better place this morning. It was great to laugh, relax and be myself. I did want to share with you 2 of the commercials that I mentioned last night. The first is the Volkswagen commercial with the dad throwing the baseball to his son. The second is the Amazon commercial,


I am sitting here replaying our entire conversation through my mind... and something that gave me such joy is to see the relationship you have with your daughter. I am so glad that I got a glimpse... it gives me hope.

So much of my personality and psyche is wired to be the "peacekeeper" that I wonder if I can ever rock the boat to be authentic and last night was a glimpse into how your being true to yourself and those you love, is really peaceful.

Thank-you for being a part of my life and journey. Fondly, B


When I receive messages like this, it helps me see just how far I have come. It also makes me very happy that I was able to brighten someone else's day -- especially when he is traveling a similar road that I have... God knows it isn't easy.

Just One...

I just returned from a wonderful week visiting my daughter in Nashville, TN. She and I have always had a somewhat unique relationship in that we have always been close. We can talk about anything and we generally do when put in the same place together. So it is not a shocker when I tell you we talked about everything under the sun.

We talked about dating – her’s and my lack of it! She has a full fledged boyfriend. I have one man that I am very interested in, but I’m cautious and not sure if it really could develop into something serious.

We talked about her dreams for her career in the music biz. I told her about my career and thoughts of retirement. I even am considering a move to Nashville upon retirement. No decisions on that front yet….but it is certainly fun to think about!

I went to the Country Music Hall of Fame. Toured the Patsy Cline exhibit. Explored antique stores and vinyl record stores. Visited the Grand Ole Opry hotel. Watched my daughter do some recording. Was surprised that she had me join in as back up to her on one of her songs. So, I’m now immortalized on CD!

As I wondered the streets of Nashville and ate dinner out with my daughter, I was totally taken by the beautiful men there – all ages – all types.

But then, there are beautiful men everywhere – even here in the Washington, DC metro area. So, why can’t I just find one to get serious with?  One that I can officially date.  One that I can introduce to my family and to maybe even get serious with.  Ah....