Something I am Not Proud of!

I did something yesterday that really bothered me.  It's something I have not done in over 20 years.

I feel really guilty about it.

So, I must share it with you.

First, some history:

Midway through my marriage the gay thing was weighing heavily on my mind.  I was lonely for male companionship.  Heck, I was even happy for male touch.  Affirmation.  A hug.  Whatever I could get, I was happy with.

At the time, I was working in an office building over a mall.  The mall had three notorious men's rooms that had lots of gay male action.

During those old days, I met some other very nice closeted gay males, including the son of one famous religious figure.  As a result of that meeting, he invited me to come visit his home -- and as it happened, I did go to his house on the very first official Martin Luther King Birthday Holiday.    We certainly did celebrate while his father's picture looked on.  It was surreal.

Yesterday, curiosity got the best of me.

I found myself having lunch in that mall.  It is in the midst of a massive renovation...and it has a maze of corridors now.

I decided to check out those men's rooms to see if it still is the hot bed of man to man activity that it used to be.  One of the men's rooms have been remodeled and it is not "activity friendly."  The other two have not changed at all.

When I went into the first one, I genuinely had to use the bath room.  So I went into a stall.  All was quiet.  BUT...

The man in the next stall was young and aggressive.  He must have been watching through a crack in the door of his stall as I entered and liked what I looked like.  Next thing I know, he was looking up at me underneath the partition.

He wanted me to kneel down for him to access my equipment.

He wanted to provide me with oral pleasure then and there.

He was no older than his late twenties.  Drop dead gorgeous too.

I was rattled.  But I composed myself enough to shake my head no...  and I flushed.  Stood up.  Pulled up my pants and opened the door and went over to the sink.  At that moment another gentleman entered.  He also gave me the "hungry eye."

Inside I was trembling.

As I stood at the sink, the young man who had made the pass at me left his stall and came over to wash his hands.  He stood right next to me.  He mimicked every move I did.

He left the men's room just before me. When I left, he was standing right in front of me.  As I passed, he said, "Follow me."

With that, he walked down another corridor.

It felt like he was dragging me with invisible chains fastened with handcuffs.  I had no control.  There I was, a well-dressed,  middle aged, fairly attractive, gay gentleman following this well-built, hottie twenty-something, stranger, to god knows where.

He kept turning and smiling.

We wound up at the third of the men's rooms in the mall.  We were alone.  He walked over to the urinal and dropped his sweats.

It revealed that he was indeed well built and happy to see me.

I was shaking like a leaf in a bitter cold north wind.

I couldn't move.

My hormones were affecting my judgment.

Just then, another man entered...and it broke the trance.  I washed my hands at the sink.  My new friend did too  He again left before I did.  This time he stood outside in very close proximity to the door and I had walk right by him...very closely, in order to leave.

He touched me on the shoulder.

"Hi!  I'm Stefan!"  He offered a handshake.

I told him hello.  Told him my name.  "Nice meeting you.  It's a little scary in a place like this."

You think?

He asked if I lived close by.  I told him no.  Turns out he works not far from me  He passed me his email address.  He wants to talk to me more.

Then we both went our separate ways.