Tired of Being Gay

After all the events of this week -- the drama...the man who wants to be my boyfriend....and the various other sundry flakes, I am sort of at the point of being literally sick of being gay.

Being gay has consumed the majority of my life.  I spent years of trying to conform and be what society totld me was "normal."  Only to find out that I was not "normal" in that sense.  I had to learn what my "normal" meant.  I had to learn how to become authentically me.

In the process I lost a marriage.  I lost a longterm relationship.  I sired three children and I now have a grandson.

I've seen the seamy underside of gay life.   I've explored.  I've found out just how comfortable I am with certain aspects of gay sexuality.  I've found out what parts of it I am not comfortable with.

I've done what is expected of me in that I have put myself into the gay male dating world.  I've met many, many men from all walks of life.  Some of them I would give my right arm to be their partner/mate/what have you.  But either they just don't want me.  Or they live billions of miles away.  Or they are partnered or married.  Or they have issues -- it's them they say...and not me.  Or they like to play games.  Or they are messed up in someway and need time to process.  Or they want to just get in my bed to relieve a bodily need.

The list goes on and on and on.

Why can't I find a mate?

So, today, I find myself just wanting to stop the merry go round, take my cotton candy and go home -- alone.