A Different Place/Time

I'm a man of fierce independence. This is due to the fact that over all my life, it felt like it was me against the world. I was and still am an only child. All the memories, good and bad, are only remembered by me. My parents are now long gone. Many times in life I felt like an alien from outer space. I couldn't relate well to my peers at school. I couldn't fully relate to women like men are supposed to. Although my father tried hard, for the life of me, I just couldn't ever muster up the masculine pursuits that the other boys in my extended family exhibited: I got no enjoyment skulking around the cold woods in the dark at 4:00 in the morning looking for things to kill like squirrels and deer. The automotive engine held no fascination for me. I was clumsy and awkward. I hated sports. I detested killing chickens. I couldn't farm. Everything I planted died.

And the list goes on...

So as a result of these and other failures, I grew into adulthood as a gay man with lots of deep seated issues. Some of my own making...some thrust upon me like an unwanted snowball making a direct hit on one's nose.

Today, I was in a mood. I refer to these as a fat and ugly day. It was time for a super big pity party about a host of dumb stuff. I'm a worrier...and I spend way too much time worrying about things that have yet to happen...or they may never happen. It's just part of my makeup and wiring.

But today was a bit different. Today I actually allowed my guard down enough to share with my boyfriend. It was kind of scary to make myself that vulnerable to actually let him know what was in my heart....and let him see the fears I have brewing deep within. The biggest worry I currently have concerns my physical health. I don't want to be a drain on him. He needed to know what he's signed up for with me.

But, Chris is a good man. A sincerely wonderful human being with a good heart who is sure of his feelings and is unafraid to express himself. He has the unique way to make me cry. I don't know why this is, but his sentiments are always so loving and so gentle. It's just hard for me to take it all in. At times I feel like a very dry sponge rolling around like a piece of tumbleweed in Death Valley. His genuine care and compassion come at me like a sudden flash flood and I guess I'm just not used to having that lavished upon me.

Last night after I went to sleep, he sent me this text: "I hope you have sweet dreams sweet Man of Mine! I'm so glad you're the man I'm going to end up with for the rest of my life. Love you..."

Well, when I awoke this morning and read the text I welled up. I didn't respond immediately....because it hit me powerfully. Then first thing this morning he texted and said, "I meant what I said in my text last late last night about ending up with you. I'm praying for your health sweet man." I responded by saying that I never want to be a burden for him.

He responded: "Eternal lovers, friends, partners...all of the above in one, carry each other through thick and thin. I'm here for you laying, walking and running right beside you. You're the first man I've felt like that about! Just love it...AWW, I love ya Frank!"

This exchange opened the door to a telephone conversation where I let my guard completely down.....and Chris was able to make it better.

As I hung up the telephone it occurred to me that I've never been in a relationship quite like this one. It exhibits all the hallmarks of going the distance. Yes, I'm in a different place and time.

Chris is most definitely a keeper.