I guess it is because that I feel like I have changed so much over the past several years. However, with Chris now in my life, it is amazing at the deep and quick changes I have sensed about me. There is a deep and profound settling going on in my life right now that is marvelous. However, when I think about it in other ways, it just is so scary.
You see, I have waited so long, now that I have him, I don't want to do anything that blows this opportunity.
He is jut so special....and I've gone through so much stuff to prepare myself to have him cross my path. I have spent such a long time hoping and praying to find my soul-mate. At times I nearly gave up and thought it would never occur. I thought that love was just a figment of some people's imagination. Based on my rather limited experience, I thought it was just not ever going to be for me.
Then WHAM....almost out of no where in he walks. So together. So handsome. So perfect in in so many ways. I just am at a loss for words as to how awesome this truly is.
We talk several times a day. We have discussed a number of topics that are very heavy. We've discussed the kinds of things that you don't discuss with just any person. We've made ourselves vulnerable to each other. We've talked about our hopes and dreams...our failures...our successes....the awful truth of our humanity.
The amazing part of this is that in making ourselves vulnerable to each other, neither of us has felt anything other than authentic and total acceptance from the other. No rejection. No criticism. Just the comfort of unconditional love and respect for the other.
One of the big changes I sense is that my endless search for a partner is over. It's like walking in the desert forever dreaming about consuming a tall glass of water with ice cubes floating about. Then you finally reach that place. You're presented that tall glass filled to the brim with ice cold water. A part of you can hardly believe you're at this place But you are! You don't have to continue dreaming about it. What it tastes like. How satisfying the cold water is in your parched throat.
Get the idea?
My feelings for Chris are passionate and personal. They run very deep. I view him as my beloved. And with all these feelings I now have for him....I want to protect this relationship from any potential assault from external forces. I have quite a feeling of protectiveness for him. It's not something I've ever really had before.
I guess this is all part of the fact that I have literally spent a number of years looking for what I have found. I just don't want to take anything about him for granted. I want him to know how special and dear he is to me.
And from what he says to me...he feels the same way....
In three short weeks, the adventure begins -- up close and personal. He's going to be in my house. He's going to be living there...one of the family -- my family.
I could not be happier!
Yes I have changed....and I continue to do so.
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