Back Home...Late

It has been such a very busy day.

I'm exhausted.

I had a long day at my office. Then left and immediately went to an important church meeting.

I'm finally home.

No words of wisdom. No divine revelations.

Just tired...and a bit blue.

All this stuff that Mom O'Lovey is going through with cancer. For the past three weeks, I have dreamed nonstop of my parents.

I miss them so...

Does this ever get better? The feeling of loss.... The feelings of WHAM! Slap from left field?

Interesting Telephone Conversation

I have made a lot of friends overtime online.

It helps to have something in common. The gay thing tends to really bond men together.

For the past few momths I've been communicating with a brit. He has sent me pictures along the way and he appears to be drop dead gorgeous.

He comes to the states fairly frequently and has expressed the desire to meet me in person. So, I suppose I am open to this.

What can it hurt?

He emailed me on Friday to say he was arriving in Boston tonight for two nights. He wanted to know if he could have my telephone number for us to chat.

I said sure...and gave him my cell phone number.

He called. We spent almost one hour chatting.

The man has a way with words. The british accent is surely a turn on for me.

He really wants to meet soon.

My heart raced at all the things he said.

He seems like he has literally leaped from my dreams into shoe leather. He said stuff that only I have shared with you all in terms of the man I am looking for. The things he likes....the things he wants......the things he doesn't like.....

I am touched.

But as I have said in previous posts, it doesn't take a lot to sweep me off my feet. The two men that I know here....that I dream of....are in this league as well. But, they have not made any moves toward me.

All it takes is an imagination....a dash of romance.....deep affection....and a willingness to put me first for a change...and I can be had.

Sad but true!

Just Overall Weirdness....

I am not sure how to begin this post.  Today there is so much on my mind.  I suppose I will just begin to write and hopefully my thoughts will unfurl as they move from mind to the printed page on the Internet.

Ever since Mom O'Lovey has been diagnosed with lung cancer, I have been greatly troubled.  It just does not seem to be fair for me.  My goodness she has spent the majority of her 82 years on the planet trying to eat healthy, watch her carbs, and get as much excercise as possible -- from swimming....to aerobics.....to walking.....to tennis.

And now this.

She never smoked.

And now this.

And since I have spent so much time thinking about her, I've not been sleeping well at night.  I keep dreaming about my parents.  For some reason lakes or ponds and swans all are a part of these dreams.

I awaken all shook up.  Unsetttled.  Bothered.

I guess the fact that Mom O'Lovey struggling with lung cancer and all her scans and tests and chemo and radiation have dredged up all kinds of buried feelings and thoughts that I was just now beginning to move from.

And so I dream.

Bummer.

On top of this, I find myself pondering my love life, or lack there of.  The two men in my life currently that I am indeed so interested in are not available.  It would not be a good thing for me to jump up and say..."Hey!  I want to date you!"

I don't think either are available emotionally or physically.  Even though either one of these gentlemen could probably use a good romp in the hay.  I just don't feel right about raising my hand and volunteering for the mission.

The friendships I have with these men is indeed important to me.  I genuinely care for both of them.  (I have to be careful about what I write here, because they both know about this blog...and I would hate for them to read about themselves here.)

One of these men is many years younger than me.  The other is significantly older than me.  They both affect me in different ways.

My love for them could be tipped in either direction.

All the younger would have to do is to express interest.  The same is true for the older.

Given each's unique situation, I am in no hurry to get them to commit to me.  I am patient and willing to wait.  But my goodness, it would mean so much to me to be able to reach over and hold either man's hand.  Or to rest my ead upon his shoulder. Or to curl up on a sofa somewhere and just snuggle.

It's not a matter of jumping either man's bones.  Or wanting to get naked with them.

I guess if the truth be told, I am indeed in love.

This all reminds me of how it felt when I first met Zach.  The butterflies...the racing heart rate......the trembling hands.

Then I read I Corinthians 13 about what true love is and what true love is not.

Oh, I'm here.

I guess I am drawn more to one than to the other.  Even to the point of feeling guilty when I have sex with someone else.  It feels like cheating.

Now keep in mind, I've not been intimate with either of my guys.

We've not had the big discussion about monogamy and what that means for "us."

In my head though it feels like I am committed.  Being with anyone else just seems wrong.

But gosh.  I don't even know where I officially stand with these men.

Its frustrating.

I want to get down to business.  I want to help them through their time of sadness and difficulties.

But I am paralyzed by fear.

By fear of rejection.

By fear of failure.

By fear in general.

What do I do to get over this?

Do I throw all caution to the wind and level with these men?  Get the hurt and rejection over with.

What do I do?

Amour

Went to the movies today with a friend.

It was a foreign film entitled "Amour" with Jean-Louis Tringtinant from France. He was that hunk of manhood from the old 1960s film "A Man and A Woman."

Trust me, the years have not been that good to him.

I digress.

The movie centered on an elderly couple. The woman has a stroke. She continually gets worse. It shows how much time he spends with her and his loving care for her.

Have you ever been to one of those films where you just don't understand it.

Well, that's me on this one.

If you've seen it and understand it, feel free to comment on it. Supposedly it is expected to win for Best Picture this year, outshining Lincoln.

ICK!

Layers of an Onion

I've been accused of thinking to much == over analyzing.

Perhaps this is true. However, I find that as I journey through life, who better to ponder stuff with than me -- the guy that I am stuck with, who has sort of become my best friend. After all, I am always there for me. Even when others are gone.

So living this life and being out....and dealing with all things gay, it only makes sense for me to spend a degree of time trying to sort out why I feel the way I do about things.

The gay life, at least for me, seems to ebb and to flow. Sometimes I fixate on the topic of love and loneliness -- as I have for the past couple of weeks. At other times it moves to the backburner of my life while other issues move front and center.

It's sort of like watching the ocean at the beach. Some waves manage to get higher on the beach than others. Each wave is unique. Each has its own strength and affects its surrounding accordingly.

Today I am pondering the residual effects of wanting love.

I've glossed all over the intricacies of having a close partner. I've forgotten all the sleepless nights that Lovey inflicted upon when she was a close partner. Drama, drama and more drama with her.

But I wonder had I been straight...would that have been different.

Now that I am gay...would it all be different with a male partner.

As you can see, I have thought long and hard about all this.

Still, as I wonder through life I have concluded that I will have issues to deal with when that man does arrive on the scene.

Basee on my marriage ending, and that long term think I had with the other married guy (ZACH), I feel a bit protective of my heart. I don't want to open it up to someone so freely, only to have it torn asunder and ripped to shreds.

So my guy will have to be patient with me in the area of trust.

Oh, I can love. I can totally let go and enjoy all that it brings.

But I'm afraid.

I've discovered that I am truly afraid.

For all that I hope for...and all the crushes I have had, I am afraid of what might happen if one of these crushes turns to me and says "I've got a crush on you too...let's go for it and see what happens!"

This was illustrated a few days ago.

There is a man that I currently know that I have very deep feelings for. He does not know. Aw...he might have a clue. But, he doesn't really know the depth of them.

I spent some time with him...and as we visited, I couldn't help but notice his hands......his eyes........his body.....the way he moves..... Gosh, like a girl I sat there wondering what it would be like to hold his hands. To cup his cheeks and plant a little kiss on his beautiful lips. How I wanted to just wrap my arms around him and to let him know that there is a guy in his life that cares for him deeply.

As we parted company, we ended our visit with a big bearhug....and a brief kiss.

Parts of me rumbled to life. My heart raced.

Wet spots appeared in my slacks -- what a mess!

But as I walked away, the apparition of fear hit me.

In the midst of this pleasant experience....of feeling like this man is so right.....and how I could just be so happy with this man....

The fear erupted. Can I truly trust him? Would this be a relationship that I could handle? Can he trust me?

In my heart, I know that I have done a lot of things that the gay world considers normal. I've had more sex partners than the average person. I've tried different things -- more than the average person.

So, would this man forgive? Could I forgive him?

Monogamy....I say I want it. But in the gay world....could I real do it? I mean I have allowed the sex genie to escape from her bottle. Gay men have sex because its fun...and a lot will tell you that it cements friendships.

But really.

What kind of partner/husband would I make?

My psyche is a lot like an onion.....layers....upon layers....upon layers.

The Bad News

Came home early from the office. I had a problem with the old sinuses...but when I got home, I got a telephone call from Lovey.

Her mother got the results back from her PETSCAN from yesterday. The cancer has metastasized and is in her collarbone and a femur (leg). She begins radiation next week...and followed by chemo.

So it brings back a lot of bad memories for me about my own parents.

It makes me realize just how fragile life is and how things can come from left field. Sort of makes my other gay issues pale in comparison.

Interesting People Who Cross My Path

I am always amazed at how many different kinds of people cross my path.  I am just trying to be myself.  Not worry about the dating thing.  Even though there are two men that I have humongous crushes on.  Either of these guys could be the one -- but each has their own set of baggage that prevents them from seeing me in any way of romantic entanglement.

Tonight I have received texts from both.  

So, I am glowing right now.  

Today one of them kissed me even!

WOW!

I also received an email from someone that was captivated by one of my online profiles.  Only problem with him is that he does not know that I keep lists of folks who I have communicated with and who have treated me badly.

He was one of those.

Guess I am not going to pursue that one.

I've found out that a number of the men with whom I have dealings with at my office are gay.

It's just amazing how folks are coming out....right and left.

Sam Champion, the GMA Weatherman recently married his boyfriend.  Jim Nabors just announced that he married his longtime boyfriend recently.

Yes, times are changing.

Perhaps a good guy  will cross my path too.

The Unattainable

What do you do if you find someone that you believe is the perfect match for you....and that you are confident that you are the perfect match for him? AND..from the outset...it all seems so unattainable?

He lights up the room when I see him. He just doesn't know it.

He makes my heart skip a beat. He just doesn't know it.

He means the world to me -- even the universe. He just doesn't know it.

After we have been together, my entire day is brighter. He just doesn't know it.

I have sort of an interesting way of measuring my feelings for people. In the realm of love and relationships, I look at how I'm feeling about someone....and weigh it against I Corinthians 13.

No, I'm not getting all preachy.

But as a man of faith, I weigh things like this to make sure it's not just falling in lust with someone.

Aw...this is so much deeper than that.

Not interested in jumping his bones just for the sake of doing that.

The situation is not perfect. Some storms have the waters all churned up.

But I want to be there for him and only him. I want to be his rock. I want to be his lighthouse. Whenever...

Thinking long term potential here. Not fly by night.

Thinking how much fun it would be to just wrap my arms around him forever and do what I can to brighten his life or let him know just how special he is. Or how contented I could be just curled up somewhere with my head on his chest.

He doesn't have to do one thing to maintain these feelings in me. He doesn't have to do anything special. He doesn't have to earn a boatload of cash. He can be the biggest failure in the world.

All he has to do is to live and draw his breaths.

Aw....he just doesn't know it...

Frank Goes On Another Date

OMG....I was invited on a date last night at a nearby restaurant.

He and I had been corresponding for quite a while and finally, last night, our schedules meshed.

"Would you be free to meet me at 'such and such' for drinks around 6:00pm?"

I said okay....and off I went.

To meet the mystery man who had been married. He has adult kids. He has an elderly mother. He has two dogs and a beach house on the shore.

This man said he was one year younger than me. He said he worked out. He said all kinds of things.

But when we finally met, I immediately got bad vibes. It wasn't a good fit. There were no good feelings. He came across as whiny. He looked older than he said. He was shorter than he said. His clothes made him look like a totally elderly guy.

So I ordered a full meal. I'm diabetic and I'm hungry and I don't drink. He ordered wine. He finished his wine....and he had to leave and cook his supper. He cooks all his meals....EVERY NIGHT he said. Tonight's meal was fresh salmon. So he was going to do that.

I smiled. Told him to call me. Thanked him for meeting me.

I wanted so badly to say, "Be Gone!" But I was nice. I continued my dinner.

Not going to hold my breath for his returned call.

Miscellaneous Thoughts

I'm a member of a number of online discussion groups. All of them concern being gay and male....and yes...gay and married. Over the years I have made a host friends who are married and dealing with the issue. Some are out to their wives. Some are not. They make these decisions based on their own reasons. I am in no position to criticize or advise them of the best way they should handle their journey.

It's just all so very interesting.

It's diverse.

Even though they have a lot in common with me...in terms of being gay. The approach they choose is as vast as the stars in the heavens.

Today a couple of discussions caught my eye.

One in particular advised the men to never trust a single gay man. "Only consort with married gay men." The thinking surrounding this pronouncement is that you only deal with those men who have as much to lose as you do.

HOGWASH I say.

There is nothing magical for one married man to only deal with other married men. Married guys can be broken vessels just like anyone else. They can be psychos. They can out you just as well as anyone else.

They can black mail.

I decided to comment on this post and say all of the above.

My one question to the group was "What's wrong with getting to know someone first before dropping trou? I find that dropping trou is so much better when there is a knowledge and comfort and yes, some emotion behind it...and if you are doing it out of a relationship....whether it be casual friendship...or something deeper."

Well, my comments have not generate much discussion. So, I wait and see.

The second conversation topic that caught my eye today was whether men kiss.

It has always fascinated me that there are some men who refuse to kiss. It's too intimate they say. This is after, of course, they have licked your spleen and your more southern regions.

Why is that?

To me, kissing is a deal breaker. If a guy won't kiss you during the act...why bother. I want to feel that connection...and frankly, kissing is like completing a circuit within me. It gets me going in ways that I can't explain.

There is a right way and a wrong way to kiss old Frank here.

During my experiementation phase after Lovey ditched me, I explored all male sex parties. I always played safe and to be honest, I really enjoyed watching more than participating.

One day in particular, I was lying on a vacant bed enjoying all the activity surrounding me. Men of all shapes and sizes were paired off and enjoying each other. I noticed that there was a lot of mechanical sex happening. This is the kind of stuff that happens when two men are in lust with each other and it is primarily about getting to orgasm. Once its over, they wipe off...go shower....get dressed and leave. Basically without a word.

Still others click in a magical way. I've seen some great relationships/love stories begin at these gatherings. It's amazing. As far as these guys are concerned, they are the only two in attendance. They only have eyes for each other and that's the only people they are there for.

Then there are those who are just willing to pile on....or drop to their knees....or physically connect with someone just to stick themselves into a warm and inviting orifice--just to get off.

This one particular day, I was a mere observer. All of a sudden, one of the latter -- a very tiny asian guy decided to actually hop on me to take me for a spin. No inquiry...not attempt to see if I were interested. In his mind I would be the perfect person to get him off.

He also assumed wrongly that I would be turned on if he were to begin kissing me in a way that Lassie might introduce herself -- with a wet tongue licking my face...my cheeks......my ears......my chest......my underarms.

EWWWWWWWW.

I politely told him that I was "resting" and needed a break. He finally took the hint and attacked some other poor soul.

I was totally grossed out.

At the same party, another man gingerly approached me. He was a few years my junior...and he asked if he could sit on the loveseat with me. He was a cute man....and so my type. I was totally captivated and immesnely touched that he reached over and stroke my hand. Very sweetly....and gently. He then began to gently rub my shoulders....touch my face..... Then he leaned in and kissed me. Warmly....gently.....closed mouth..... He certainly knew what he was doing. As our passions began to rise.....he held me close......the kissing became more intense......and as this happened.....mouths opened in unison....and tongues joined.

It was so intense. So warm. So passionate.

For those few moments, I felt as if I were the only man in the world....and for that few moments I was the center of this man's universe.

As the session continued....we progressed to other stuff that men can do for each other (no need to describe all the gory details)....but suffice it to say that he and I both reached total climaxes in relatively short order.

Instead of him wiping off....jumping up....and leaving....he continued to hold me....to kiss me tenderly....and I eagerly returned the favor. I could have been there entangled with him for hours...but alas he had to leave....and he was married with kids.

Bummer.

But that taught me something. There is something wonderful about taking one's time....and allowing feelings to grow. Allowing passions to rise.

I can't help but long for someone such as this for a partner....or as a bf.....or as a potential mate.

If I could find someone of this calibre, you would see one happy FRANK.

FRANK would be intensely happy. That man, whoever he is, would be on cloud 9.

I am not saying that sex is the only thing I am basing things on. But I'm saying that having those needs fulfilled by one man....who is comfortable with himself....who can let go and not be afraid to express passion and deep affection for another man is well on his way to become my dream guy.

WOW!

Sleeping Alone

So, I'm tired of sleeping alone.  It would be really good to finally settle down and have someone that  would be content with me, and only me and feel like I really matter to someone.

But the going is slow, and I'm not sure why this is the case.

Let me give you some background.

Back in my straight days I NEVER dated.  The gay thing had me petrified of the opposite sex.  The mating dance totally intimidated me -- big time.  This was because of my being gay and I knew that whatever I did with a woman, I would fail.

So, the only woman I ever dated was the woman now known here only as "Lovey."

We all know how that all played out.

Fast forward to the current day.  I have been looking for ages for a good partner.  I've gone on a number of blind dates.  I've met some wonderful men.  We seem to get along.  We talk about all kinds of things.  We've gone to movies.  We've had romantic dinners.

BUT ... something always happens

They never call back.

Or they disappear into the ether of the Internet.

So, I just wish I could find someone sincere who  is not always on the lookout for the next best thing.  Someone who would be content with a regular guy.  A sincere guy.  A guy who has much to offer and who has a lot of love to give.

A guy who is tired of sleeping alone.

Elected!

What a day!  I just got home from church and lunch with a wonderful lesbian couple I know.  It has been totally eventful.

We have been without a full time senior pastor for almost 18 months.  We currently have a great interim pastor.

Today I was elected to the Pastor Search Committee.  Since we are  a primarily lesbian congregation, I am quite amazed that out of seven individuals, I was one of two men put onto the committee.  So, the real work begins and we hope to have a new senior pastor by the first of June.

Ambitious, huh?

So, one more task that I have to do.

Older, but BETTER?

See the guy to my left?  He is the kind of guy that I hope that I can grow into.  He seems confident.  He is well dressed.  He appears relaxed.  He's drinking his coffee and reading his IPAD on his balcony.

Aw...I could probably create his entire backstory jut by looking at him. 

As I have said on a number of occasions, I have cast my net quite broadly.  I've been brutally honest in the type of person I seek. 

I've also indicated that I am a mature man. Haven't really thought about it too hard, bu tgosh....I turn 55 in just a few months.

Today on one of those apps, a young twenty something sent me a message to say how hot he thought I was.  Now, keep in mind you all that this is just based on a picture of me with a coat and tie.  Nothing spectacular, but it's a good rendering of what I am all about.  I'm pretty comfy with just me.and how I am looking these days.

Then he told me I looked like a TV star.

He couldn't remember the name.

I was curious.  I've never been told that I look like anyone famous.

Finally he wrote me back, "I know who you look like!  You look like the old guy that Emmett was with in QUEER AS FOLK!"  (The Actor, Bruce Gray, to my right)

Well gosh....that made me wilt like a dead chicken.  Well not really, Bruce is a great looking guy. 

But isn't he the one that died in the airplane bathroom after he and Emmett had a romantic rendezvous on a transatlantic flight to join the mile-high club?

Well I will be 55 soon.  So, I'm not the pretty young thing I once was.

But, really, I do like how I'm turning out in middle age and at the beginning of my old age!  So I guess I am on my way to looking distinguisehed, happy confident and secure.

No offense taken!

Mindless and Mechanical Sex

I am just so sick of my whining....and my overall frustration at not having someone in my life.  I am so sick of me.

So here is the thing that is so maddening.

Why is it that men will spend forever whining about their bad experiences in the land of gay.....and yet still wallow in the same old ways.

Let me explain.

A man that I went to visit -- to actually meet for the very first time on Monday, whined about the lack of love in his life.

He went on and on and on and on about it. 

He spoke of his former partner....boyfriend....whatever you want to call it....and how that they had barebacked the last time he saw him and how he picked up prostatiis from bacteria from his bf!

Then as we chatted, he was bombarded by 10 or so instant messages from people hitting on him on GROWLR.

Then he talked about his getting drunk and waking up with people in his bed.  How he couldn't remember their names....and how sometimes he is thankful that there are no people in his bed after a night of heavy drinking.

Then how he meets people and how they disappear into the ether.

He then talked about the innagural ball he was attending that night and how he hoped he didn't get so sloshed that he couldn't walk to the metro. 

Spent two hours with him...and decided I needed to leave.

NOPE!  There was not any intimacy....even though he was hunky and former military.

After all that, I don't want to pursue him.  He kind of turned me off.

Today I received a text saying how much he enjoyed meeting me.  I told him that I ennjoyed meeting him too.  But most definitely not headed any place.

Upon reflection, I hope I don't come across like him.  I gave my undivided attention to him.  I turned off the cellphone.  He did turn down his television.    I have to give credit where credit is due.

I answered all his questions.  He answered all mine when he wasn't blabbing on and on and on and pausing to answer texts from men who "wanted him."...

But when I left, I pondered him....and compared him with me.  I now know how I don't want to come across.   Yes, he was quite doable....and I could have just had mindless and mechanical sex with him.  I could have left with my carnal needs satiated....

BUT

As I grow further into deep middle age, I am totally turned off by this kind of sex.

I want something meaningful and lasting.

Not a fast hookup.

Not just a secretion of bodily fluids all over.

But someone who will be there for the longhaul....and even be there when the fluids stop being secreted and the moaning stops.

WHERE ARE THE MEN LIKE THIS IN THE DC AREA?

The Blues.....

Back at work and I have a case of the blues.  It did not help that last night I dreamed of my parents and the house they once lived in...we all lived in...

I miss them so very much.

It just feels so weird to not have them them around. 

At times I feel so strong and so self confident.  Today I just feel alone and needy.  I feel even vulnerable. 

I don't like feeling this way.  But there it is.  Hanging out here for the world to see and to read about. 

I feel so gosh darn fragile.  I don't like feeling this way.  I really must work to shoreup these feelings.  Get my act together and enjoy the life I have. 

I have many blessings to ponder.  God has been great to me.  After all, I could never have survived the massive breakup of my marriage, the kids leaving the nest, the terminal illnesses of my parents, their subsequent deaths, probate, estate liquidation, house renovations, etc. without that presence in my life.

Based on the previous posts, I am gay....and I hunger for a relationship.  Where this hunger comes from, I don't know.  But I feel as though a parrt of me is missing.  I have a hole there that is beyond description.  At times, like now, I am aching for a presence.  I guess it scares me because as I said previously, I don't want to appear to be needy and I don't want to fall for the first thing that shows the least bit of interest.

I have a secret list of qualifications that I am looking for.  I created it to just put out there in the universe what I long for -- up close and personal.
\
I feel like a bloomin' onion....layers and layers and layers of stuff to deal with. 

It never ends. 

Have You Noticed.....?

I have been writing here a lot more in the past few days. I guess this is because that I feel a tad guilty at neglecting you all for months at a time. So, I am striving to really keep you apprised of what I am experiencing...or at least thinking about.

The gay issue is not ever very far away from my mind.

For example, today I actually got to spend some time with a man that I have been corresponding with for several months. It was frustrating to me because although he said that was looking for something more than a hookup...he veered off into a discussion about how he has been used only for sex. He then told me about all his conquests....and then shared pictures of his conquests.....and suggestive pictures of himself.

Once again, I found myself totally turned off.

He was attractive....I could have really been into him...but he would not shut up....and with his discussion of prior conquests in all its gory detail, I'm just turned off.

Another nice guy contacted me as a result of one of my personal ads online....he and I have traded emails. We've traded face pics...we've talked and shared. He sound like a good man. He has been married and has adult kids like me. Planning to meet him this week, but I am not getting my hopes up.

Perhaps it is self defeating....or I am just fulfilling self made prophecies.

So, I am at a loss.

What do I do to meet a good guy?

I do not want to be desperate or to just fall for the first man who shows interest.

So, I just have to take my time....keep my standards and move forward.

It would be so helpful if I had a lot of dating experience. I don't have it. So I don't know what the rules are....I have no way of knowing if I'm committing relationship faux pas.

Gay men can be cruel. The rules appear out of no where generally after you have committed the sin. Gay men are not forgiving.

Then what do I do when I meet someone that I have attraction to? Do I continue to be the one who takes the risk and lay my cards on the proverbial table...or do I hope that he will make the first move.

I know several men who are in this category. All it would take is if they were to suggest that we try something....

I will let you know if something develops....

President Obama

Today was certainly an eventful day for us gay folks.

The President spoke of Stonewall and of marriage and the like. I nearly fell out of my chair. I had to explain to my daughter just exactly what Stonewall was, and why it had such significance for me.

So, liberals like myself loved the speech....and the conservatives will hate it.

Oh my!

None of this changes the fact that I am still here and that I am still gay....

It is amazing to see just how far this issue has progressed through the years. It used to be considered so disgusting...AWFUL....WRONG....but at least here in the Washington, DC area, it is no big deal.

I just went to the grocery store. A gay couple checked out ahead of me. No one batted an eye.

I had dinner at a Chinese Restaurant close to my home and they were all glued to the television watching the parade. As I looked on, a gay and lesbian marching band went by...and the TV commentators mentioned their names.....zoomed in on the banner they were carrying. I watched some of the working class men standing in line.....and expected some snide comments....but it was just business as usual. Nothing bad happened.

WOW!

So, we are realizing I believe that gay people are just like everyone else. We are entitled to be happy just like everyone else. We're not child molesters, perverts...and we're not sending the country to hell....blah....blah...blah.

God has also not sent down fire and brimstone to all the states sanctioning gay marriage either.

In fact, Western Civilization as we know it continues to operate and has not missed a beat.

So, I hope the Bible thumpers will just take a powder...and calm down.....and learn tolerance.

It's time.

I Won't Give Up

This song pretty much sums up my feelings for that special man. Wherever he is...

Church Today

I was in a much better frame of mind today. THANK GOD! It's always good to enjoy church surrounded by your friends. Last week's funk was gone....but I got little twinges of sadness today.

When I got there....my former bf was there (he's coming to church a lot more frequently now that he has a new bf I see). He was seated next to his new man of the hour....and I thought about turning around and going home. It truly pains me. Never thought I would feel that way about a long dead relationship. But it truly hurts. I guess because I remember how he used to sit close to me in church....have his arm around me like he was this morning. Holding close....etc....etc.

Those were good days.

So I found a seat behind two of my best lesbian friends ever. They blocked my view of him and him.

It helped greatly.

I am what is referred to as a communion minister at church. This means that after people have dipped their wafer into the cup of grape juice, they come to us for special prayers and blessings. Today I was asked to serve and I never turn it down.

So there I was at the front of the church. I prayed with a multitude of people....and near the end...who is standing before me for prayer and blessing? YUP...my ex-bf and his bf.

I couldn't run.

I couldn't hide.

Although I was tempted to do both.

So, what did I do?

I opened my arms broadly.......and welcomed them both with a broad smile. I suppose I'm a candidate for a really big gold star when I get to heaven! LOL!

Seriously, it hurt.....and whatever the hurt was....be it pride...or something else, I sucked it all up and prayed for them singly...and as a couple...that God would direct their path. My ex-bf had his head nestled on my right shoulder.....and the bf was at my left shoulder....a little more of a reserved distance between us. When the AMEN was said, I received pecks on the cheek from both.

I made it through!

Shocked...

One of my friends came up to me afterward to say that my grace was showing and it was incredible. The friend did not think that they would have been so graceful at such a moment.

I guess God knows what He is doing...

I certainly don't know.

I Want...

I ran across this on a site for gay men. I've made some editorial changes to remove some of the more graphic passages, but it pretty much sums up what I hunger for...here as I grow older. I turn 55 this year. Will I find this....really?



I WANT

I want to feel a man touch me again, to hold him close in the darkness, head resting against his chest as his heart slows, and his breathing rests and slows......

I want to feel what love is like one more time, and to remember that all consuming passion, I want to look in his eyes as we share intimacy.....

I want to look in his eyes as he shares deep intimacy with me, I want him to hold me tight and passionately and in that moment for us to be one.......

I want him to rub the stubble of his chin across my chest while he whispers a poem or words of Shakespeare to me.....

I want to ache for him in his presence and ache for him in his absence.....

I want to sit on a hill and hold his hand watching the fireflies around us.

I want to know every part of him....

I want him to need me like there is no other. I want to be his lover, his friend,,,,,,,,,,,,

I want to matter...

I want him to smell of his special cologne with his own unique scent that will make me remember him......

I want him to share my bed and entangled sheets, smell magnolia and hear those noises that go bump in the night......

I want his voice to be the last thing I hear before sleep sweeps over me at night and the first thing I hear as I stir awake in the morning......

I want to lay with him under a tin roof and hear the rain, lay in a creek naked and devour him,,,,,and shower together.....

I want him to hold my hand and watch a movie.....

I want to have a fine dinner and look across the table into the eyes of the one that I love totally......

As I grow older....I just want all these things....just once more.....