A Death (cont.)

I went to the funeral this morning.

The mortuary was packed

I sat with my boss and another person from the agency where I work.

Surrounding the tiny casket up front were flowers. Words were spoken, songs were sung, poems were read, and the minister spoke. A woman rose and sang "OVER THE RAINBOW" acapella. I pictured the little girl, free from pain and illness wandering through paradise beyond the rainbow....and how excited she must be.

Then near the end of the service, the congregation sang, "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star".

Finally it was over. Everyone filed out and I greeted the coworker briefly. I then drove to a restaurant for lunch. Drained....sad....and very reflective.

I then received a text message from my daughter in Nashville. It said, "Daddy, have I told you lately how much I love you? Well, I just wanted you to know that I was thinking about you today and wanted you to know it."

I melted.

A Death

The granddaughter of a co-worker of mine has spent the last year or so battling a terribly aggressive form of brain cancer. The little girl, Emily, was just two years old and was being readied to have stem-cell treatment. However, she passed away and her funeral is tomorrow morning.

My thoughts and prayers are with her family.

Trust

One would think that after all the stuff I've experienced in the past few years I would understand the concept of God and Trust.

But, sadly, I haven't.

Oh, there are times where I believe that I have achieved "baby steps" in this, but overall I think I am a miserable failure.

Right now I am working on it.

Tremendously hard.

My first impulse when I enter into new territory or experiences is to not trust, but rather fall into the trap of fear.

Fear of the unknown.

Fear of what could happen.

Fear of what I don't want to happen.

Fear of failure.

So, for what it is worth, I am going to work on my need in trusting in God. In looking back over all the events that have composed my life thus far, God has never let me down.

I've never had to doubt that.

So, why do I worry? Now?

Things That Go Bump In The Night

I consider myself to be a spiritual person.

I have regular times of devotions and meditation.

I read the Bible and try to keep centered spiritually.

I am not one to see visions....or predict the future....or anything out of the ordinary.

But I have to tell you. I had an experience night before last that rattled me a bit. It has stuck with me very profoundly.

So, I am going to share it with all of you and record this experience here so that if something comes of this, we know that I was "warned."

I got into bed very late on Saturday night. It had been a very busy day...and I was exhausted. I went to sleep and slept soundly.

At around 2:30 a.m. on Sunday morning I was awakened.

Fully awakened.

I laid there in the comfort of my bed listening to my dog snore. I wondered if I needed to get up and let him out. I then was trying to figure out whether to go to the bathroom or not....when I heard a voice.

As clear as a bell, the voice said, "Frank, your life is getting ready to change."

It jolted me.

I sat upright.

Clearly my dog had not heard this because he was still snoring. I turned on the light....and sat up....

I breathed a prayer and said, "Oh God...haven't I had enough change in the past 5 or so years? Can't we make this change be something positive -- really positive?"

I sat there for about thirty minutes until I calmed down.

I then turned out the light and went to sleep.

But the words are seared into my mind.

What kind of changes are we talking about? What is God trying to tell me?

Lovey

I have several tales to tell. So I guess I should write them all down before I forget something.

So, there are probably going to be several posts today.

Feast or famine.

Whew...I'm definitely in a writing mood.

There is new drama involving Lovey these days. But this time there is a key difference as far as I'm concerned.

I have reached my life-time capacity of her and her drama. It became readily apparent back in February when she severed my relationship with her on FACEBOOK... It happened as a result of the series of emails we had exchanged over her blessed ordination...and the kids....and how devestated she was at not being able to share Thanksgiving with her children at my parents' home.

Very old history now.

But I am now operating under a "season of silence" with her. I don't wish her any ill will. But, after all this time....enough is enough.

Friendship with her is not going to work.

So, let's stop beating the dead horse.

The latest drama involves her use of my last name.

Back at the time of our divorce she had all the paperwork drawn up to change her last name. She emphasized the fact that she always wanted to keep my name so that her name would always match that of the children.

Well, I hear through the grapevine that she is in fact going to change her name back to her maiden name and she doesn't want me to know it. As I hear it, she wants to be the one to tell me.

Now, this is going to be good since we aren't communicating....at her request.

I can't wait to see how she chooses to communicate this to me.

Do you suppose she thinks I give a fig about her last name?

I mean, she is the one who made the big deal about NOT changing her name to begin with.

The grapevine says that she is doing this in order to be "more independent." I asked the grapevine if this means that she was also going to drop her alimony too? We all laughed at that one!

We know the answer.

You see, for all the talk of independence, she can't live without her financial dependence upon me.

Sad, but true.

Contentment

I know that I have been very bad lately and not written as I should. My life continues to be fast paced, and I must stay, highly enjoyable.

It's hard to believe that I have been writing this thing for three years now. If you are one of the faithful readers, you know that I have had my shares of ups and downs and that the life of a married gay man....going through the trauma of separation and divorce.....is not necessarily an easy one.

You have seen me whine.

You have heard me on the mountain top.

You have seen me in the valley low.

Still, I plod along and keep moving forward -- even when there have been times when I haven't felt like moving...or that I didn't have the energy to move one foot in front of the other.

But here I sit....three years later....and I have survived.

I am thankful. After all, I have learned so very much about myself. I think I am a better man for having gone through all this stuff -- pain and all.

So here is an update of the past few weeks.

First, Frank has a boyfriend. Yes, a full-fledged one. Not one of those fly-by-night varieties. Not the ones who are married.....and are part-time gay. Not the ones that are partnered and only want you to meet their physical needs. Not the ones that start out really hot....only to end in a blaze of glory and to return to a former love.

This is a living and breathing man who is interested in me. Warts, gray hair and all.

He is 36 years old.

He and I met through another friend when he was dating someone else. We became friends...and I found that the relationship he had been in fizzled -- big time. And, "we" just happened. He comes to my church and we sit and hold hands. It's so refreshing to be open and to be honest.

I don't have to hide anything....or feel like I must be ashamed of this relationship we have.

He and I have talked about things. We're not saying we're gonna move in together. We're not saying that we're running up to Massachusetts to get married. We're not even saying we are going to be life partners.....or that we are "in love".

We're just enjoying the time we have when we are together. He and I are very much alike in some ways. We think alike. We also enjoy our alone time. So we do not have to feel like we are joined at the hip. He says that I have the most energy of anyone else he has ever dated....and he struggles at times to keep up with me.

I find this highly amusing.

Me, the old guy, having more energy than the 36 year old!

Life is great.

This morning I got a card from my daughter in Nashville. It read in part,

"Anyway, I was thinking about you and about how content you seem to be these days, and I am so glad for you. Glad you walk regularly with folks on Saturday mornings, glad you are so active in your church and Bible Study, glad you're in a bowling group, and glad that you're challenged professionally! You have so many wonderful things happening in your life and I am so very proud! I love you."

So, I suppose that the word for today is "contentment."

I've become involved in a running club. Oh, don't get the wrong idea. I walk. It's fun. I've joined a bowling league composed of gays and lesbians. It's fun.

I'm active in my church.

A GREAT Day!

I awoke this morning very early and did two loads of laundry, cleaned my kitchen, threw dishes into the dishwasher and ran it. Then, I ran up the stairs to take a shower and get ready for church.

At one point as I was talking to God about the blessings He has bestowed upon me, I began to do that activity that I have become quite proficient at: I beat myself up.

Oh, I use time like today to assess all the stuff that I feel like I screwed up. In today's edition, I gave myself quite a thrashing over the fact that I feel like I haven't been too spiritual lately. I told God that I was sorry....and that I would try to do better. But I also told him how much I appreciate all the good things He has given men and how He has guided the rebuilding of my life following a series of personal traumas.

I told Him that I would not have survived these past few years without Him.

For all His faithfulness and help...I felt totally awful about my shortcomings.

I pledged to do more.

Then I ran off to church.

I am a member of a wonderful church in Fairfax VA. It's a fairly young congregation. Today it celebrated its 28th anniversary of being organized As a part of that celebration, it gave out a series of Anniversary Awards.

I was settled in for a wonderful church service when the first person was called up to present the first award.

It was the "SPIRIT" award.

Imagine my shock when they said that the 2009 SPIRIT award was being presented to me!

I was so shocked.

They gave me a certificate and a t-shirt. The certificate celebrates 28 years of life-changing ministry.

The certificate reads: "The Metropolitan Community Church of Northern Virginia proudly presents this SPIRIT AWARD to Frank in recognition of his spiritual depth and giftedness and in gratitude for the many ways in which he serves and inspires our community. Presented on the 15th of March 2009.""

I was speechless: one of the few times in my half-century of life that I had nothing to say.

They applauded. People smiled and nodded.

I returned to my seat. Folks I sat close to patted me, squeezed my shoulders and told me how much I deserved it.

Then, the tears began to well up in my eyes. I discreetly left the sanctuary and went into the lobby area. I lost it. The tears flowed.

So even when I feel like I am so insiginificant and that I have done very little, apparentlly my perceptions are a bit warped and I am not seeing things so very clearly.

God never ceases to amaze me with the depths of His love.

My church never ceases to amaze me with their unconditional love, support and acceptance.

I could never have come back from the abyss without all of them!

Touchpoint

Internally these past few days I've been silentlly grieving over a couple of broken relationships. These things happen I know, but it doesn't make them any less painful to try and minimize them.

The relationships I am mourning are ones that at one time were critical to my self-image...and they helped me to gauge myself as to how successful I was.

Silly aren't they?

Now I am in a place where I have no contact with these people -- at their insistence. Some of them have misunderstood me....what I've said....what I've written....and away they go.....creating their own reality based on very flawed facts.

I don't know what hurts more....to be misunderstood....or to be disallowed from trying to offer clarification.

Then another part ponders the fact that although I have been known by these individuals for many, many years....clearly they did not KNOW me well enough to know that I am not guilty of what they believe.

So I'm stuck.

We're now in the season of Lent. Yesterday was Ash Wednesday. Our church has adopted a novel approach to Lent this year: instead of giving up something you like or enjoy for the season, give up a burden.

So as I shared with my seat mate at church last night that my burden was "BROKEN RELATIONSHIPS" it was apparent to me that I should probably adopt an approach that Jesus used one time. As he stood before his accusers before he was crucified, He remained silent. He didn't talk back to His accusers. He didn't talk about his accusers. He didn't try to make his accusers look bad. He just let them do their thing...and He remained silent...TOTALLY.

The Holy Spirit gently nudged me last night and told me that in order for me to happily deal with these broken relationships that have bothered me, that Lent would become a SEASON OF SILENCE for me.

No telephone calls to these individuals.

No emails.

NOTHING.

Drama, Drama, DRAMA

For the most part, I have been having such a great week. I am so amazed at how having a special man in one's life just seems to make everything so much better.

BUT...

Why is it that when things finally seem to be going well, something happens that tries to eclipse all the good feelings?

Stuff has been going well. The man in my life is named Patrick. He's a very kind, wonderful and gentle soul in so many ways. He and I are proceeding very slowly and taking it one day at a time. We have no grand goals of being HUZbands....or moving in....or selecting a china patter or silver....or rushing to Massachusetts.

We are just taking it slow and easy.

Patrick's last relationship ended a few weeks ago. We're also concerned about the rebound syndrome.

But we are off to grand start!

Meanwhile, back here at the ranch, Lovey sent me an email to tell me that she didn't want anything to interfere with her ordination. Yup, she got word about two weeks ago that she had passed all the requirements necessary for her to have this wonderful occasion. (She had heard that I am taking my children to the beach....along with my parents this summer, but she was afraid I would do it on HER only day with HER children!) She has directed the children to be there...and it is also the weekend of my twin daughters 25th Birthday. All the plans have been made...but the girls have said that they weren't really asked what they wanted to do.

So Lovey was in fine fashion. The very thought that she thought I would intentionally keep HER children away infuriated me. I wrote back a measured response....non sugar coated that basically said I have not made any plans....not to worry.....and further, you should know better after 25 years that I wouldn't do anything to jeopardize your grand day.

She responsed.....and told me how angry I was...and then she went off on a big tirade about how she was hurting and still in tears that she was not permitted to spend Thanksgiving with my folks and HER children.

I reminded her once more, that she hadn't really had a relationship with my parents...including not being there for them when they had experienced 8 siginificant deaths over the course of the marriage....and no reunions, etc. My parents couldn't understand why she wanted to be friends NOW.

I also asked if she had tried to build bridges to my parents since the separation....blah....blah.

She again responded about how much she loved my parents.....and how much she wanted to reach out to them.......and it goes on and on. She also said she resented the fact that I had not apologized for the divorce.....acceppted the blame......and it turned into a rehash of all the stuff from 4 years ago.

She said I had ripped her to shreds with my email.......and had dumped on her.

I was on my way out the door when I said,"Lovey, I am on my way out...but when I come back, I will write you a response. You are taking these emails totally the wrong way. Try to relax and BREATHE."

A couple of hours I came back....she said, "Don't bother. This isn't helpful."

I remained silent.

Then a couple of days later....she wrote this:

ONE FINAL EMAIL

Frank,
As you a aware, the recent exchange of e-mails, especially the one
written on 2/16 around 10:00 a.m., upset me immensely. Upon
reflection, what bothered me the most was the realization that you
blame the divorce entirely on me and show no indication that you
understand at all my reasons and needs, even though the fault was our
mutual incompatibility due to our very different sexual makeup. While
I was far from perfect, I gave all that I was able of my self to you,
our children, our marriage, etc., and I did my best. What I have
needed from you - the only thing I really would want from you - is an
admission of your own responsibility in the failure of the marriage.
Your e-mails to me do nothing but blame me, they don't acknowledge
that I brought anything positive to our 25-year relationship - it was
ALL negative. This was devastating and has moved me to a course of
action I had never considered having to take. Optimist that I was, I
had thought that friendship with you was both possible and healthy,
but these past several days have destroyed that hope.

Because I can only work on myself and am unwilling to subject myself
to this kind of experience again, I have made a couple of decisions in
order to help me move forward in a more healthy, positive direction.

1. Just for your own information, I will not seek any future
relationship with your parents. (Your mother is too ill to work on it
even if she wanted to, and she doesn't; they will always see me as the
blame. Any acceptance of me would be an admission that you might have
been at least partly to blame for our divorce - you are their son and
they would not see that.). I wish them all the best, I will keep them
in my thoughts and prayers, and I would appreciate being notified of
their eventual passing.

2. I will not accept any further negative communications from you (nor
will I send you any).

3. I expect you to respect me as our children's mother and not make
any disparaging remarks about me to them. (I have not and will not do
so.)

4. I will only contact you regarding matters about our children or any
legal matters (such as salary changes, etc.) as required. I will be
friendly and civil, but I will not seek or expect anything more.

5. Please take me off your list of friends on Face Book.

I wish you all the best,
Lovey



Back when I took her to see our son off to Iraq two years ago, we talked about everything....I apologized for everything I could think of.....the gay thing.....the gay experiences.....the sexless marriage......the wooden spoons in the dishwasher......the raised toilet seats......the dog......EVERYTHING!

But here it is now....and WHAM!

And now she wants off my FACEBOOK as a friend. (I didn't have to do anything...she removed me from her page...which wiped her off my page too!)

The interesting thing about all this...especially the FACEBOOK action was after I had changed my relationship status there that said, "IN A RELATIONSHIP." She also dropped a friend of mine...without reason. My guess is she thinks I am in a relationship with him....she does not know Pat. Also, in the midst of the flurry of emails, I had written on her FACEBOOK wall that said, "Lovey...I feel like a heal for not congratulating you on your ordination. I think it's great. All your dreams are coming true...you GO girl! LOL!"

So, I've remained quiet. I have instructed my children to not provide any information about what is going on in my life....or about me to her. After all, I don't know what constitutes being negative in any communication that I have with her. So, I will just remain silent.

The thing that I find most troubling with this is that after all the email comments about her love for my parents.....she has done a total about face....and only wants to know of their "eventual passing."

So, any potential relationship....or friendship with her going forward....appears finished.

Time to move on....FINALLY!

OMG!!! I Think This Time It Is Really Happening

I am very happy these days.

It happened when I least expected it....and in a very amusing way.

You see, there is now someone very special in my life.
He has chased all my dark clouds (which are many) away.

He makes my heart turn flip flops when he appears....or I receive a text message or email from him.

He has told me that he cares for me very deeply.....and that I make him happy.....that I make him smile......he looks forward to seeing me and to spending time with me.

We have known one another for over 4 months. He was involved with another person, but that ended. I took him to dinner this week to just spend some time with him.....and to be a friend. I suppose the stars must have aligned at the right moment....or the angels sang. At any rate....dinner turned into a 4 hour adventure. I drove him home...and then there was another hour of talking.

Then he leaned over and gave me a kiss.

It was magical.

My week has not been the same....

This guy is cute......he's young..... a lot younger than me.

And it is amazing.

And it is someone that I have known....not the guy who stood me up twice.

**SIGH**

Update

My goodness.

It has been ages since I wrote.

This is especially embarrassing -- given the fact that I had pledged to write more faithfully this year.

I'm sorry.

It has been a very hectic few weeks.

Let me catch you up.

The last time I wrote, I explained how disappointed I was that my blind date cancelled at the very last moment.

Time passed and he spoke to me on a number of times afterwards and said that he was in the bed ill. So, he slowly recovered. We rescheduled for last Thursday, February 5.

And, guess what?

At the last minute, he stood me up AGAIN!

This time it hurt.

Perhaps it shouldn't have, but it did and I have worked to deal with it. Just day before yesterday, he called to apologize. This time he said it was his 10 yo daughter who suffered a seizure that required her to be hospitalized. He was phoning because she had just been released and he asked my forgiveness yet again.

So, I just didn't know what to think. Especially given the fact that he had two plausible excuses...but still we haven't met.

I spent last weekend in Charlottesville with a group of guys who are members of one of my online support groups. It's the group that saw me through the initial separation and early days of divorce talk. One of the men is headed through a very painful divorce. He has good days and bad days. Another guy is on his second marriage which is getting ready to dissolve. The two other guys were married and plan to stay that way.

It gave me time to be with my friends....and to explore places I hadn't ever visited. I also got to hear all these men's stories...and to reflect on mine. I have come such a very long way.... How thankful I am...even with the disappointments of not meeting people for dating purposes.

I cae back from my trip refreshed. I've had a wonderful week full of accomplishment at the office.

And we will see what happens.

Disappointment

Yup.

I am disappointed.

My blind date for this evening cancelled this morning.

He has a terrible stomach bug that has kept him in bed, this, the second day. So we are going to have to reschedule for this week.

The neat thing is that he has been in contact with me pretty steady today...expressing his frustration at feeling so lousy....and how anxious he is to finally meet.

So, this still looks positive.

I just need patience.

Stay tuned.

Frank Has A Date!

Well, it has finally happened!

Frank has a date scheduled for Saturday evening!

This is kind of a first. I've been out with a number of gentlemen, but it was more on a friendship level. Nothing substantive, and it wasn't something that we looked at as a possible long-term, fulltime relationship.

So, about 3 weeks ago, I decided to place an ad on one of those dating sites. It wasn't one of those looking for sex now sites, but rather, it was one of those sites where the people are looking for something more than a quick hookup. So my ad gave the most basic of stats. (Not an emphasis on body part dimensions....or unique body features.) I also gave my true age, a list of my interests, and an invitation to contact me if it piqued anyone's interest.

I didn't expect to get a lot of responses...and I wasn't disappointed. But of the two serious responses I received, the man bared his soul. He is 43 years old and my same height and weight. He had been married for a long time and has one daughter.

He's a mortgage banker, lives in the metro area of where I live. He has never had a serious male relationship and feels that the time is right for him to begin moving in that direction.

His definition of monogamy matches mine.

We've been talking on the telephone and through email and to be honest, I've grown kind of fond of him.

We have not traded pictures and that has not been an issue.

So, on Saturday Evening at 5:00 p.m., he and I are meeting for dinner at a restaurant in downtown Washington, D.C.

Wouldn't it be neat if this works out?

We'll see!

The Joy of Friendship

I am still learning about the joy of friendship!

I have written about friendship a number of times here. A few days ago I wrote on FACEBOOK about how amazed I was that I had reach the 50 friend marker. You see, it wasn't long ago that I felt I had no friends at all. My self-esteem was shattered and I honestly had no idea how to make true and honest friends.

All I knew was that I needed and wanted them desperately.

Well, I have found out through the miracle of FACEBOOK that not only do I have friends, but the numbers keep escalating. For this I am very thankful. In just two short weeks, the number of friends that I have has swollen to 110.

Now, just to set the record straight, I am not what is known as a FRIEND COLLECTOR. These are people that just sign up friends so that their numbers are impressive. The people on my FACEBOOK page are all listed as my friends because I know them all and they have each, somehow contributed to my life in some way....and that I have a continued relationship with each of them.

Years ago I heard it said that a friend was someone who knew all about you but still loved you anyway. I used to think that this was a neat concept....but that it would be something that I would never experience. In fact, I spent much time wondering just what such a friendship would be like.

I thought this would never happen to me because I spent so much time compartmentalizing myself and erecting walls. I intentionally kept work friends in one compartment; I kept church friends in another compartment; and regular acquaintances in another area.

Now I have comingled everyone....and all my friends are in one big pot of people.

I hadn't really thought about it before, but my friends are from all different walks of life....from different back grounds....different faith traditions.....different heritages. These differences have totally enriched my life so much, it is hard to describe.

I am just so thankful for all of them.

There is, however, a special group within this pot of friends that I will refer to as my gang. They are a group of guys that latched onto me early on when I started going to the church that I am now a member of. I can honestly say that I love each of them more than words can say. Each of them has brought a wonderful unique flavor to my life that is hard to explain. It's sort of like my life is like a boring garden salad with lettuce. These guys are the croutons, the tomatoes, the onion, the mushrooms, the green and red peppers, the dressing, the cheese -- they are what makes the salad so unique and so zesty.

Such are the things they have done for my life.

Aw...I just wish everyone could experience this joy of friendship that I have. These men, all sizes....shapes....ages......backgrounds....heritages.....all love me.....fiercely..... They know everything there is to know about Frank Vance....warts and all....and you know something? They love me. They care for me.

And when I'm sick....or when I'm down.....they want to know. They are there for me.

I just hope that I am that kind of friend to each of them.

What Spark Can You Get From a Photograph?

Oh well.

It's happened yet again.

I decided to post some ads out in cyber space attempting to locate a kindred spirit. Someone who was not looking for a quick hookup, or who was looking for Mr. Right Now.

Nope, I was trying to find someone that was looking for something more. In my own words, "someone open to life's possibilities."

I have been honest with my age.

I have been honest with the fact that I have grown kids.

I have been honest about the fact that I am a pretty regular guy: good job, own home, a dog, etc.

I've had tons of responses. But when I send face pics, one of two things happens:

1. They never respond again or follow through with a picture of themselves.

2. They write back somethhing like: Thank you for your email and picture. Unfortunately the spark is not there for me, but I do appreciate you taking the time to answer my response and send your picture. I want to wish you good luck in finding someone special, and I hope your ad does just that.


The only responses that ever show promise are the ones that are either a minimum of five states away....or they are a little on the "different" side. For example, one guy was into me....but as we continues to correspond he wanted to know what kind of dresses and women's clothes I would buy for him to wear.

So, I guess I will just go back into the holding pattern of not looking.

At least I'm consistent in that the photographs of myself never seem to elicit any of those mystical "sparks".

AAARGH!

REFLECTIONS

Yesterday I received something very special in the mail.

My mom who is quietly battling lung and bone cancer, has a best friend namede Barbara who has always seemed like a second mom to me. She's a nurse, and has worked in many exciting locations and has always kept in touch with our family. I call her Bobbie....and she has been a very dear presence in my life.....especially now with mother's illness.

She now lives in El Paso, TX and calls mom every day and in her words, is like "Chatty Cathy". She has also made several visits and spent significant quality time with my parents as they shuttle back and forth to a variety of chemo and radiation treatments.

So far in the past 3 months, Bobbie has given two treasures that I will cherish until I croak.

One was left at my mother's house for me to pick up this past fall. It was a framed 5X7 b/w picture of me with my mother that was taken during the summer of 1959. (Yes, I had a belly back then too!) I had never seen it before, but it was something! I see my resemblance to my daughters at that age. When one considers resemblances, it can get kind of creepy!

The second treasure arrived yesterday. It was a photograph of both my parents that was taken back in October -- just after one of mother's earliest chemo treatments.... She had just announced that if her hair was gonna fall out as a result of the treatment, it was gonna fall out in style! So she had just returned from the beauty parlor.

It's an awesome picture that will hold a special place in my heart along with the picture from August 1959.

Life is about change. Nothing ever remains the same.

Sometimes it's all so scary.

On One Cold Winter Night

It's cold here tonight.

I just got in from having a wonderful dinner with friends at one of my gay pals' house.

There were a total of six of us: two long term male couples, the host and me. It was a time of great food and lots of laughter.

At one point during the meal, the discussion turned to monogamy. Both couples have been committed and monogamously coupled for many years. Our host said that he was told by a number of gay men, that it is impossible for gay males to have such relationships.

This troubled me....and I think it's why I'm feeling a bit sad this evening now that I've returned home.

If you've read my ramblings here for any great length of time, then you know that one of my main desires...or dreams...is to be in such a committed, loving, monogamous relationship. But I really am beginning to honestly wonder if this will ever happen for me. Sometimes I feel so out of touch. I feel like that I live in some kind of dream world...that just doesn't seem to exist.

I told the couples tonight that they are my role models and that they give me hope. But my exploration of the gay world indicates that this seems more the exception than the rule.

This troubles me.

Am I that off base?

Am I hoping for something that just doesn't exist normally?

Am I being unrealistic?

I am beginning to wonder if maybe I should just concentrate on being alone. Kill the desire to be partnered. Kill the desire to be "in love". Kill the desire for intimacy and concentrate on me being the best person I can be. Focus more on my spiritual journey. Focus on my children.

Focus on my parents.

Several weeks ago I wrote of a man that I work with that I had a big crush on. He was the king of mixed signals...and I could never seem to figure out what his true motives were.

I've since learned that in his short life.....he has has 15 "long-term" relationships. He just entered into some type of a relationship with someone....it was a shocker to me....but he did it anyway and since I never declared my feelings for him, it really isn't about me. Over the holidays, I did have a chance to catch up with him. He proceeded to tell me about the hookups he's made through Craig's List. This was after he began this relationship with this new person and they had been seeing each other for close to two months!

I don't think he was the one for me after all. Thankfully I didn't pursue it.

So, I remain single......

Will it ever happen for me?

A New Year Has Begun!

It has been a very long while since I wrote consistently here. I apologize for this...but I have been so very, very busy. Beginning in November, it seemed that I had nonstop company. Mostly my kids arrived...and then I had other friends to crash here at the Manse. It's good to have people in....but I am finding that it is even better to finally be alone again.

I have been very amused and amazed at how things are working out for me. I mean after all the drama of the past 3-4 years, it is so refreshing to have a somewhat boring life...and to have lots of friends....and to just go about the business of day-to-day living.

I spent exceedingly quality time with all the kids. Each one of them went with me to church...I mean...my church. I didn't make a big deal of it. I didn't beg...or plead or even ask -- come to think of it. I just found that when Sunday morning rolled around, I got up and while I was drinking my coffee, I heard the sound of water running as they took their shower....and before I knew it they came bounding down the stairs to say, "Dad, I'm ready for church."

One thing bothered me during this holiday season....and I guess on some levels it is really none of my business. Still I'm troubled. The kids had very little to do with Lovey. There was great pressure put upon each of them by the O'Lovey's to spend more quality time with their mother, to which they all responded by saying that they were not driving the 90 miles or so to visit her. She would have to come to them. She said that coming to my house made her uncomfortable. Again, that's not my problem. Still in speaking with the kids one on one..I detect a lot of issues....a lot of sadness.....and in one case, total disillusionment with their mom. You see, one of them found out that Lovey was not entirely truthful about her financial standings during the separation and divorce. Approximately 6 months she received a sizeable payment from her dad's estate, and didn't tell anyone about it. Even during the settlement of our divorce, she never disclosed this.

So I got quizzed very thoroughly about the money.....and the child telling me this was shocked to find that I knew nothing about it. Further, that child then apologized for telling me all that and it was not her goal to "hurt me."

My response pretty much sums up the way things are going for me at this point in my life.

I said, "Your mother hurt me really badly during the separation and divorce by her many hostile actions that made no sense. She cannot hurt me anymore. This neither hurts me, nor surprises me."

So, as in most of the actions concerning Lovey...I pledge to take the high road. I have no desire to open old wounds and trying to achieve parity with the sum of money she got...and the fact that she never disclosed any of it...well....she can keep it.

My children also voiced their fears that their mother and I might reconcile. It's a sad state of affairs when your children tell a divorced spouse that they are afraid of and do not want you to reconcile with the other parent! Again, my response was very revealing about where I am now in terms of how I'm handling things. I said, "I have no desire to enter into any relationship with your mother or to remarry her. The only reason I have any contact with her now is because I have to as a result of the fact we had children together. So on family occasions I have to deal with it. But, I don't desire any friendship or anything."

Is this spectacular growth or what?

I am excited about the prospects of a new year. I am no longer worried about whether or not I will have a special person to share it with. Oh, I'd love to spend time with someone, but with my friends and my children's lives....I am quite content.

Happy New Year to each of you! And thanks for taking time out to read my blog.

Hearing Vs. Listening

Life is busy.

Jobs...bills.....responsibility....secret longings.....missed opportunities.....old hurts....new hurts.....the noise of it all...internal and external.

It is just so easy to get sidetracked and to think about the state of one's affairs.

It's kind of like this holiday season when I've been focused on all that I must do -- the shopping -- rushing to the airport -- wrapping -- church -- blah! blah! blah!

Then my children are talking.

Things are on their mind. Lots of things.

And I respond with "uh huh."

Although I heard....I find that I didn't really listen.

Finally, I do a data dump of all that is in my mind. For the next little while I pledge to listen to them -- my children. I will look deeply into their eyes.

I will concentrate on them.

On what they have to say.

Good or bad.

Positive or negative.

Hurtful or uplifting.

I listen.

Intently.

Oh.....and what I hear -- really hear.

We connect on a deep and rich level.

I am so glad that I heard and took the time during the busy-ness of the season to stop and listen.

What a grand Christmas!

My children will never be a missed opportunity!

Happy New Year to all of you!

(I plan to get back on schedule following the holidays.)

Counting my blessings...

Christmas is this Thursday!

I can't believe it.

I am FAR from ready. The Christmas cards need to be finished....and my shopping has not even started! I've just not had the time or energy to do all that. I've been putting in 12-14 hours per day at my office trying to get all the year end stuff done. On top of that, I've been working to get the house all in order for the arrival of the kids.

My son arrived on Wednesday. We have had such a wonderful time together so far. I marvel at the changes and level of maturity I see. He is quite a young man with so much potential. I am sure that he will go very far in life.

His sister arrives from Nashville on Tuesday night. So, we're all going to be having a relatively quiet Christmas here at home. My daughter in El Salvador won't be here....but we'll have her in our thoughts.

The wind is howling outside...it is very late.....and I'm writing this in the glow of my Christmas Tree. I have my house....my health, the love of my children, and my parents are doing well at the moment. Mom is going through yet another round of chemo treatments...her spot on her lung has reduced from 4 centimeters to 1.5 centemeters. The doctors see no other evidence of cancer in any other spot of her body.

Due to the schedule that my children are on....I can't break away to be with my parents. But I do plan to go be with them during the Innauguration weekend when the extra 4 million or so visitors all descend on Washington. YIKES. I don't want to be here for all that. It's gonna be a madhouse.

Yeah....my life is not perfect...but whose is?

The only thing that would make my life better would be if Mr. Wonderful appeared....and he and I both knew that we were the ones for each other.

But for the moment, he is not here. However, my parents are both living. My children are here.

And I sit here typing this message to all of my dear friends in blogdom.

Counting my many blessings...

I've included a picture of my tree for you to see my decorating job. Your comments are always welcome!