FLASHBACK: November 7, 2003

When I'm troubled about something, I write.

I don't know where I picked this up from, but I just do. I don't address it to anyone in particular, I just know that on some levels that writing makes me feel a lot better.

As I've been trying to make room on the computer for more important stuff, I've run across a whole file folder full of such writings. So, since this blog is about the demise of my marriage and rising from the ashes, I think it might be good to share some of this with each of you. Since I had no blog at the time, it will provide a little insight as to what I was feeling at various pre-blog states. There's really no need for it to just exist on my computer -- unread by anyone else.

Keep in mind that the feelings expressed in the following entry are not to be confused with current feelings. I've travelled quite a distance since these words were written.

This entry takes us back to November 7, 2003. This is a week after Lovey nailed me the first time. This is the time where, if I didn't have a nervous breakdown, I came the closest I have ever been to one.

November 7, 2003


Today I am numb. This is all because of the events of the past seven days. It was just one week ago today that my wife announced, at the breakfast table, that she thought we had come to the end of our marriage and that we needed to be heading in that direction within the next 3-4 years. I was simply devastated by these few simple words. So measured….so precise….so clinical.

What to do?

Upon reflection I suppose I also feel quite stupid. I mean, until she mentioned those few words, I had thought we were happy, that we did have something special going for us. Yes, I’m gay…but I thought I was compensating mightily for that. I thought that now since we were going through the pains of empty nesters, we could build on what we have going for us.

I was wrong.

She says that she feels like she and the rest of the family are in the closet because of me.

She is afraid that I wll jeopardize her ministry….especially if I come out….or I’m discovered while she is pastoring a church somewhere.

She feels as though she is a fifth wheel in her family even though she’s the mother. I made a boo-boo when I told the girls about her feelings…..and when I told my mother.

She doesn’t see that her feelings about being like a fifth wheel are self-driven.

She’s the one who has chosen to be busy with church work….with her degree…..etc……and not to totally focus of building relationships with the kids

She’s the one who has been doing things with the kids and then saying, “I could have been home studying, etc.” in order to make the kids be aware of the total sacrifice she is making in order to spend some time with them.

She’s the one who has been outing me to everyone. She’s the one who is adding additional strain to the relationship with my parents by her not developing any type of relationship with them. She has not darkened the door of their house in 5 years!

Yes, I’m to be blamed for all that has gone wrong in all these years. I guess this is okay!

Our pastor asked yesterday for each of us to decide if we are happy in the marriage.

Funny, until Friday last week, I thought I was.