Mother’s Day was certainly “different” this year.
Since 1984, I have always tried to honor my wife because of her exalted role of being a mother. I’d get a card, some flowers, maybe some of her favorite candy, and even take her to dinner with the kids.
It was odd this year.
After much thinking, I decided not to do anything special for that day. I guess part of me wanted to see what would happen. I wanted to see if anything I used to do would be missed. I don't think it was.
At the last possible moment on the Saturday before Mother’s Day, I was informed that I was in fact invited to the family gathering to honor “Lovey’s” mother. It would be at one of “Lovey’s” sisters’ palaces.
I didn’t’ want to go and spend time with those people. #1 informed me that I HAD to go…if nothing else to be there with HER. So, since #1 had said she wanted to go to church wherever I chose to go that morning, we could leave for the palace afterwards.
So, this is what we did.
Earlier in the week I had given Mom O’Lovey a pot of mums and a special card from me. It contained a refrigerator magnet that was styled after an old magazine cover from the 1960s. Something I thought she’d like…and her refrigerator always can use another magnet. She was pleased.
Lucky me! I got to spend time with all these people.
How do I refer to them now? Ex-family? Former family? Old family? Family?
Who knows?
I felt like a stranger anyway. This was probably because of my own thinking. It’s probably because I was continuing to think in terms of “I wonder which of these people know that I’m gay?”
Our hostess – the palace owner – is a fundamentalist Christian, so she blessed the food. In her blessing she talked thanked God for the “pain of her loins” or the “fruit of her loins”. Whatever. I wasn’t paying attention. My daughter nudged me and asked if I thought her blessing was appropriate. For the life of me, I didn’t want to think of palace’s owner’s loins in the first place – and before a meal? Ewwwww.
Dinner passed. Dessert was served. Then cards and gifts were opened by Mom O’Lovey. The first card she opened was from the hostess – the palace owner. The card she had gotten Mom was the exact same one I had given her 3 days ago! I chuckled.
We also got a chance to meet my niece’s (or former niece…or ex-niece….or old niece). (Whatever) fiancé. They marry in October.
He’s 29, she’s 23. He still lives with his mother. He brought a fruit concoction on a hot pink plate. He was very warm and outgoing. He then talked about his flair for being dramatic! And did I mention the very AVANT GUARDE glasses he wore?
Was that a blip on my gaydar? Surely not!
In the midst of all this was “Lovey.”
I truly wish her well in her future endeavors at the two churches she will be in charge of shortly.
But I still worry…
4 comments:
Hi Frank,
I have been working my way through your blog (so strange reading these flowing backwards as I currently am) and am touched by your situation.
We celebrated mothers day but the "orientation" issues as we sometimes call them do put a damper on them.
I think what struck me most in the reading so far is Lovey's relationship, or lack thereof, with your parents.
It seems that as much as TGT is at play, there is more to it.
If I may ask, how long have you been out to your wife - does that go back the five years she has not "darkened" their door (love the phrasing) and to when she announced she saw the marriage ending when you achieved empty nest status?
Hi Nate! Thanks for your comment.
"Lovey" has known about TGT since our first anniversary, almost 24 years ago. In the beginning she was "supportive" to a point. It was the elephant in the living room for the first few years, as I went about doing the ex-gay ministry route, being prayed for, fasted, "delivered" and having demons cast out of me.
Then a chill of acceptance descended...
But, through almost 25 years of marriage, not once did she go to a funeral where I had a significant relative pass away. She never bothered to develop any type of close relationship with my parents.
When they came to visit, she would either go "study" elsewhere...or run to her parents.
In discussing all of this stuff with her recently, she said, "I didn't know that my appearance at family events was so important to you!" Duh....
I guess if there is something to be bitter about it is these things...and her detachment from her children. There's just no real warmth...or joy. It borders on being cold and prickly. Everything always seems to revolve around her.
The thing that really causes me to worry is the fact that as she leaves to pastor her 2 little churches...she won't have me to be a buffer between her and problem members. She's already made the comment that people at the churches have stated that the churches are "without problems"...which really raises warning flags to me. Human beings are human beings. Conflict inevitably happens!
However, I now can state, these are no longer my problems.
But, it's jut my 24+ years of being protector, confidant, friend, and mate the makes me worry.
Am I screwed up or what?
Frank:
This post reminds me of a comment a pastor of mine once made to the effect that once we marry, we are a part of that family for ever, divorce may set aside the legal bonds, but there will be a relationship of some kind with these people for as long as you live. Of course the quality of the relationship changes, but the fact that you do have a relationship with them does not disappear – you can not “unknown” them and they you, you will doubtless learn new things about each, as they are learning new things about you. And changes in relationships can often be uncomfortable. Both you and your “family” have to find out where you are going to fit in each other’s lives now. How strong you and they want each of these relationships to be. Some people have said that finding out which of your former friends are there for you when you come out and which ones leave when they find the true you is one of the great, though sometimes painful, “blessing” of coming out. If the relationship survives coming out, it will probably survive anything else that comes your way.
Rick
A side note to Rick's comment about knowing your friends - KA nad I being together is the product of two divorces and you do learn who sticks wit you in those times.
So why am I terrified of telling my best friend who was there 1000% for the divorce? Somehow this seems to go to a different level.
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