Living a Lie?

A reader of this blog writes:

My dear Frank
Where was the love/acceptance/willingness to learn and understand?
Lovey stayed with you, essentially living a lie, for 25 years!! THAT was the measure of her enormous love for you.
Finally, as most of us do, she had enough and got out. Like us, she probably yearns for an intimate relationship with a straight man; she may be grieving for 25 'lost' years trying to fight tgt (a fight she could never win because as you know tgt never goes away - it's not a choice).

BTW has it occurred to you that your friend's 'accepting' wife may not have a choice? Women in their 60s don't usually have the financial resources to leave.

Don't continue to be 'friends' with Lovey & her family. Let her go. Let her move on. In this way you will be able to move on too.

*******************

Whatever happened to the concept of the marriage vows that state: "...for better and for worse"?

As I read the above post to my blog, I couldn't help but feel like this reader thinks that I was out every night of the week having indescriminate sex and ignoring my wife! or maybe somehow the very fact that I was a living and breathing gay man, I was somehow mistreating my wife. She thinks that by the fact that Lovey stuck by me for 25 years that it was a sign of great love......that all we had was a 25 year old lie.

I then ask, where's the lie? What was the lie?

Was the lie the fact that I couldn't have an intimate relationship with her?

Was the lie the fact that I did my best to compensate for that in all other ways?

Was the lie the fact that I denied myself in order to make her happy?

Was the lie the fact that there were 8 siginificant deaths in my family during those 25 years, and not once did she go with me to a funeral.....or attend a family reunion......or spend time with the kids........or go on family vacations.......was that the lie?

Was the lie the fact that she always put her ministry first? To always be doing something else when the kids needed her....or wanted her....and now...she is paying the price by having adult children who don't want to have anything to do with her? They avoid contact with her....and her family if possible.

In the end....is sex all that defines a marriage? Is that THE lie?

If so, then God help the straight man that becomes paralyzed and is unable to perform from the neck down!

I loved my wife deeply for 25 years. In spite of the gay thing......in spite of my secret longings......in spite of the secret wishes I had to have made other choices in my younger days...... I supported her totally as she struggled through her ministry.....through her many different positions......when she threw away a lucrative career.......took extensive paycuts......overspent.....etc..... I loved her unconditionally.

Some straight folks don't seem to "get it"....that although we may be gay....we still love....and have feelings for our wives.... those we have committed to. Some of us are willing to sacrifice a great deal to stay in a marriage to a woman.

So, did Lovey suffer in all those 25 years? I don't think so.

I sacrificed willingly.... I struggled to make ends meet. I struggled harder to keep the kids close to their mom.

In the end, I failed.

I'm gay. I couldn't have sex with my wife.

Where's the lie?