This weekend I have been depressed.
Oh, I know what you're thinking....
"Here he goes again....why can't he get it together?"
Well, I've said this repeatedly throughout the writing of this blog....and that is, this writing that I do will not be edited....or sugar coated....or to necessarily make me look my best.
This is who I am.
I do not have all the answers.
AND....I'm not happy all the time.
This weekend was a bummer...
#1 asked me what was going on with me. So I told her...I was struggling with being perceived as something that I'm not...but there is not a thing that I can do about it.
Then, #1 pointed out all my shortcomings....the biggest one was that I committed adultery against her mom.
I listened.
I thought of a million comebacks....explanations....rationalizations. But when you get down to it....
"Yup, I committed adultery."
I sighed, and looked her deeply in the eyes and said, "Do we really have to go here in this conversation right now? I apologized to your mother over a year ago for that.... Do I have to be beat over the head about this until I die?"
She grew silent.
"She new I was gay for 24 years. Not once did she say to not do anything..... She encouraged me to be who I was..."
My voice trailed off.
I just don't know what else to do. I've apologized. I've cried. I've tried to rise above all these horrid feelings of failure. Still they are all right there....hovering just barely above my head....ready fog me in...to paralyze me from doing anything. How do I forgive myself?
God I hate this.
3 comments:
Forgiveness and acceptance are hard things. Much harder in some ways to make for yourself
especially if it seems there is no way to feel forgiven if the people who you hurt, won't...
The point is that there is no justification for adultary; but there is not justification for all the other things that we do that hurt others either. We can not atone, all we can do is try to learn, ask for forgiveness for the unjustifiable, and look to grace. I find it hard to forgive myself when I am still trying to justify the wrong I know I have done. Until I stop trying to compare my guilt with others I keep carrying it around and am defensive about it.
This is an item that causes some gay-and-married men to come out, or to push them further into the closet. It's sad to say (from personal experience) how mind warping the closet can be, and how quickly one can break his integrity and principles. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I had to tell my wife. However, the motive wasn't sexual - I actually fell in love.
You are wonderfully honest about this issue, which is perhaps the foundation for forgiving oneself. At least that's what it says on the Oprah Website.
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